The One with Bob
Originally written by Julian Zabalbeascoa
Converted to HTML by Austin Hedeman
NOTE: This is another fanfic script, which was sent to me by Austin. It is NOT a real Friends episode!
[Scene: Central Perk. All are there]
RACHEL: No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog.
RACHEL: Chunks is my dog...blow Chunks...
[A fat guy sitting at the bar starts laughing, and turns to the gang]
BOB: That was funny.
CHANDLER: Congratulations! You're the first person to ever laugh at one
Rachel's jokes! Phoebes, tell this lucky, neurotic person what he has just
PHOEBE: [picks up a cup of coffee] Well, Chandler, today's winner takes
home this lovely assembly-line, porcelain cup, made in...
[Phoebe looks around the cup to see where the cup was made. As she turns
over, she accidentally spills the coffee into Ross' lap]
PHOEBE: Oh! Ross! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
ROSS: No, no, that's alright. I've always wanted a stain there...
[A guy runs out of the bathroom, followed by Ross]
ROSS: Wait! Come back! It's the truth!
[Everybody stares at Ross]
MONICA: What was that all about?
ROSS: That man had a tough time believing that this stain -- I was trying
to clean it in the bathroom and -- really wasn't caused by the troubles
quit having when I was three.
PHOEBE: I'm so sorry Ross.
[A couple walks by Ross, and starts laughing]
ROSS: Oh it's...alright.
[Bob stairs at Ross for a while]
ROSS: [to Bob] I'm sorry, I don't think I caught your name.
BOB: Oh, it's Bob.
ROSS: I'm Ross, and this is everyone else.
[Bob starts laughing]
BOB: You know, somebody said that same thing in the last issue of Green
Lantern. That's pretty funny.
RACHEL: You still read comic books?
CHANDLER: [defensively] Hey! There is nothing wrong with reading comics?
CHANDLER: [to Bob] Do you read Spider Man?
BOB: It goes without saying!
CHANDLER: Did Spider Man really kill Dr. Octopus in the last issue?
ROSS: [quickly] Well, I'd love to stay and listen to you two talking about
Spider Man, but I must be going.
RACHEL: Where are you going?
ROSS: I've got to talk one of my friends into giving me those tickets I
telling you about.
RACHEL: Which tickets?
ROSS: The one's for the opera.
RACHEL: The opera?
RACHEL: You are going to take me to the opera?
JOEY: Hey, there is nothing wrong with the opera.
[Joey looks at Chandler and they both burst out laughing]
ROSS: You, um, don't want to go to the opera?
RACHEL: Well...no, I wouldn't.
ROSS: Come on! It's a wonderful experience!
MONICA: You have a pretty loose definition of "wonderful" don't
RACHEL: Couldn't have said it better myself.
ROSS: Well, I'm going to go get the tickets anyway. We can talk about this
[Ross leaves. Chandler turns to Bob]
BOB: So, do you read Savage Dragon...
[Scene: Central Perk. It's the evening. Everybody, except Ross and Bob,
MONICA: Is he gone?
PHOEBE: I can still sense his annoyance in the air. Eww.
RACHEL: If anyone else mentions Bob, I'll burst!
JOEY: Ugh, I can still hear his voice in my head.
CHANDLER: Help me. Help me.
RACHEL: What was his problem?
PHOEBE: Was he sent down solely to annoy us?
MONICA: And what was that thing about his eleven toes?
JOEY: Hey, doesn't he kind of remind you of that kid in elementary school
who always used to pee in his pants?
[Chandler looks up at Joey]
JOEY: [whispering, but loud enough to be heard by the group] No, not you,
the other one!
[Ross enters with two tickets in his hand]
ROSS: Hey, look what I got... What's the matter?
JOEY: Bob. Annoying.
ROSS: He didn't seem so bad.
[The gang starts ranting about Bob's problems]
ROSS: Oh, whatever. [To Rachel] Well, do you want to go?
RACHEL: No, I don't think so.
ROSS: Come on. It'll be fun!
RACHEL: The opera, fun? Isn't that an oxymoron?
ROSS: Fine. Lord knows that I've never gone anywhere for you that I didn't
RACHEL: What's that supposed to mean?
CHANDLER: If you two even start....
ROSS: Well, Phoebe, do you want to go?
PHOEBE: Well, when I was about 4 or 5, my grandmother used to tell me
stories about grotesquely fat women with horns who would kidnap children
while they were playing in their sandboxes, if they weren't good.
[Everyone stares at Phoebe]
PHOEBE: Oh, no, thank you.
MONICA: Well, um, I'm going out with Richard that night.
ROSS: You don't even know what night it is.
MONICA: Ok, what night is it?
MONICA: Wow, if it was any other night... I still wouldn't go.
JOEY: Sorry, I'm going to get some pant's fitted that night.
[Everyone shoots Joey a sharp look]
JOEY: Don't worry! It's a different tailor!
ROSS: Well, Chandler?
CHANDLER: Ok, two guys, the opera? I don't think so.
ROSS: So what am I going to do with this extra ticket?
BOB: Hey everybody! What are we talking about?
ROSS: Oh, nothing.
PHOEBE: Ross can't find anybody to go with him to the opera.
BOB: Really? When is it?
ROSS: To tell you the truth, I don't really know if...
PHOEBE: This Tuesday.
BOB: This Tuesday? I've got a dentist appointment this Tuesday.
ROSS: Oh, really, that's to bad.
BOB: But I can cancel it.
ROSS: No, I couldn't do that to you.
BOB: No, it's ok, I'm good friends with the guy, I could probably get in
Wednesday anyway. [To all] So, what's new?
[Ross mouths to Phoebe "I'm going to kill you."]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is watching TV. Joey and
Chandler enter. Chandler is holding his mouth in pain.
JOEY: Come on. Let me see it.
MONICA: What's the matter?
CHANDLER: I chipped my tooth on a Mars.
MONICA: A candy bar?
CHANDLER: No, strangely enough, the planet.
[Ross walks in in a cheesy 70's sweater]
CHANDLER: What, did Greg Brady have a garage sale?
MONICA: Where did you get that sweater?
ROSS: I got it at a garage sale.
CHANDLER: Quick, what's the theme song to Charlie Brown!?
ROSS: There is nothing wrong with this sweater!
JOEY: Sure there isn't, twenty years ago.
ROSS: Can we get past the sweater already?
JOEY: Something buggin' you Ross?
ROSS: It's Bob, I bet he can't even spell "opera"
JOEY: [serious] No, I'm sure he can.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are talking]
RACHEL: Monica, just forget about it!
MONICA: I want to know what you were going to say!
RACHEL: Fine! But don't get mad!
PHOEBE: What is it?
RACHEL: Well, yesterday, Bob asked me out.
PHOEBE AND MONICA: Ewwww!
PHOEBE: Doesn't he know that you're going out with Ross
RACHEL: Yeah, if fact, I had to remind him several times before he caught
MONICA: So how did he take it?
RACHEL: Pretty good, if fact. He just said...
MONICA: I'll bet he's used to rejection
RACHEL: "Do you think Monica likes me?"
MONICA: WHAT!!?? What did you tell him!?
RACHEL: I said "I don't know, why don't you ask her..."
MONICA: Why'd you tell him that!?
RACHEL: Because I know I crushed his little, over denied heart and I wanted
to show him that there was still hope.
MONICA: Rachel, the man has probably been rejected more times than... than
somebody who's really ugly and smells. He's strong and could have taken
RACHEL: See you!
[Rachel leaves, and Bob walks up to Monica.
BOB: Um, can I ask you something real quick?
MONICA: What is it?
BOB: [visibly nervous] Um... would you like to have dinner with me this
MONICA: I'm sorry, but that's not going to be possible.
BOB: Why not?
MONICA: Because...I'm gay!
BOB: Really? Wow! But didn't I see you talking about your boyfriend the
MONICA: Don't tell anyone, but "he's" a girl.
MONICA: Uh, huh.
[Scene: Outside of some restaurante. Joey is waiting for Chandler. He walks
JOEY: I don't see why you couldn't have waited.
CHANDLER: I couldn't wait! My bladder was going to explode!
JOEY: What took you so long?
CHANDLER: The lights in the bathroom went out.
JOEY: Why's your shirt untucked?
CHANDLER: The lights in the bathroom were out.
JOEY: Want a snickers?
CHANDLER: What, you want to see me toothless?
[Joey starts spitting]
CHANDLER: Do you have to do that?
CHANDLER: Spitting. You're starting to look like my grandmother.
JOEY: I can't help it! Chocolate brings up the mucus and...
CHANDLER: Hold it right there!
JOEY: Hey, do you think I could hit that sign?
[Joey spits, and the faces of the two of them suddenly look very surprised]
[Scene: Central Perk. All are there]
ROSS: What could have possesed you to do that?
JOEY: I thought I could hit it. I barely missed!
PHOEBE: So what did the lady do?
JOEY: But that's just the thing. She really didn't do anything. She just
said "As long as you feel bad aboutit, then it's alright." She
or slap me or kick me in the groin or anything. She took it pretty well,
which makes it all the more worse. I feel like I should get her something.
CHANDLER: How about a helmet?
BOB: Yeah, one with windshield wipers!
CHANDLER: Ok, you just ruined the joke!
RACHEL: [to Joey] Well, whatever it is, I'm sure you can count out chocolates.
[Scene: Monica & Rachel's apartment. Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are sitting
the table in the kitchen. Monica is washing dishes. Chandler enters]
MONICA: Where were you?
CHANDLER: I just got back from the denist.
CHANDLER: It was a chipped tooth, so he filled it up.
ROSS: So the Mars chipped your tooth?
ROSS: Then you should sue Mars.
CHANDLER: The dentist said that my tooth was about ready to get cracked.
just turned out that the Mars was the thing that cracked it.
ROSS: You should still sue them.
ROSS: If you sue Mars, they'd settle it in a heartbeat. They don't want
press. No matter what, you'd be getting some money.
MONICA: What are you telling him? You see, Ross, it's people like you who
have made our society the way it is. People can't even breath these days
without worrying about getting sued.
ROSS: Well if he chipped his tooth on my fork or a piece of my food that
gave him, I'd feel responsible.
MONICA: But you wouldn't want him to sue you.
ROSS: No, but I'd help pay for his dentist bill.
MONICA: Then why doesn't he ask them to pay for some of the bill, but suing
them for thousands of dollars is rediculous!
CHANDLER: No! Don't give up that easy...
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone enters.]
CHANDLER: Yeah, but you'd think the movie would at least have a few monkeys
ROSS: No, it was named after the Army of the Twelve Monkeys.
CHANDLER: The Army of the Twelve Monkeys? They barely had anything to do
with the movie.
ROSS: Hey, I didn't name the movie!
[Rachel comes up tho the group with a notepad]
RACHEL: So, what will you...
PHOEBE: What is it?
RACHEL: Shh, do you hear that?
[Everyone remains silent for a moment]
RACHEL: Know what, guys? I think this is the first time that we've been
here and Bob hasn't.
MONICA: Finally! Some peace and quiet around hear! No more annoyance, no
more vulgar odor, no more Bob!
JOEY: At least for a while.
MONICA: Hey, don't burst my bubble!
[The gang enjoys a few moments without Bob]
CHANDLER: So, what's new?
[Everyone is silent for a moment]
PHOEBE: Oh, oh! Bob asked me out yesterday!
CHANDLER: I wouldn't share that with too many people, Phoebes...
JOEY: [to Ross] You don't think he'll ask us out, do you?
ROSS: Joey, I can honestly say that I don't know.
CHANDLER: I say we don't give him a chance. There must be some way that
can get rid of him. There mustbe some scheme that we can come up with,
which will allow us to be able to come here in peace without worrying about
RACHEL: Yeah, but what?
JOEY: Oh! I know!
JOEY: Well, um, what's the one thing that prevents two people from ever
being friends again? You break up!
[Rachel and Phoebe get up and run out the door]
MONICA: Yeah, but wouldn't you have to go out with the person first?
[Ross, Joey and Chandler look at Monica]
MONICA: Oh, no. Not me! Why not Rachel or Phoebe?
CHANDLER: Well, they're so much faster than you...
MONICA: But it's so unfair!
ROSS: [completely ignoring Monica] So, Joey, have you decided what to get
that girl yet?
JOEY: No, it's tougher than I thought. What can you get for somebody that
you spat on? There aren't any Hallmark cards out there that say "I'm
I spit on your face, I hope you can forgive it"
ROSS: You can give her my opera tickets if you want.
JOEY: Are you sure? I mean, I know you were looking forward to it.
ROSS: No, you take them. You'd be doing me a big favor.
JOEY: Really? Thanks, I owe you one.
ROSS: No, believe me, I owe you.
[Ross gives Joey the tickets just as Bob enters. The whole group grabs
whatever magazine is closest to them, and Chandler starts writing a letter]
BOB: Whatcha writin'?
CHANDLER: A letter to the Mars company, demanding that they pay for my
BOB: Why aren't you doing it on a computer?
CHANDLER: Because it's a first draft.
BOB: How long's the letter going to be?
CHANDLER: I don't know.
BOB: Who are you writing to again?
CHANDLER: Have you ever been stabbed by a pencil?
BOB: No, does it hurt?
[Chandler barely keeps from stabbing Bob with a pencil. Bob goes over to
BOB: You ready for the opera tomorrow?
ROSS: Um, Bob, about the opera, I kind of gave away the tickets.
BOB: You, you what?
ROSS: Well, you know how Joey spit upon that girl?
ROSS: Well, I kind of gave the tickets to Joey to make up for what he did.
BOB: But I canceled my dentist apointment for it.
ROSS: Yeah, I'm sorry.
BOB: I'm so upset!
CHANDLER: If it'll make you feel better, you can storm out of here and
never come back again.
BOB: [with a smile] I'm not that upset!
[Monica walks up to Bob]
MONICA: Bob, can I talk with you for a minute?
[Bob and Monica walk to the bar, and the first part of the conversation
inaudible to us]
JOEY: Well, I'm going.
PHOEBE: Where're you off to, Saliva Boy?
JOEY: Well, I'm going to go give that lady these opera tickets. You know,
kinda like an "I'm sorry about spitting of you" present.
CHANDLER: And how do you know where Miss Target Practice lives?
JOEY: She told me when I was wiping the spit off of her forehead.
[Joey leaves and the camera pans to Monica and Bob]
BOB: But I thought you were gay...
MONICA: Well, I was, but then I changed my mind.
BOB: Yeah, I've been known to have that effect on women.
BOB: So, where are we going?
MONICA: I don't know. Ryan's?
BOB: I've heard they've got good food there. What time do you want to go?
MONICA: I don't know, eight or something.
BOB: So, tomorrow, eight o'clock, Ryan's?
MONICA: Yeah, sure.
BOB: Well, I'm going to get ready, then. See you tomorrow, honey!
[Bob blows a kiss to Monica, and then leaves. Monica walks back over to
ROSS: So how'd it go?
CHANDLER: [sarcastically] Did he say yes?
ROSS: Not that it matters, but why did Bob leave?
MONICA: He's going to get ready for the date.
PHOEBE: When is it?
ROSS: So are you excited?
CHANDLER: What will you be wearing?
MONICA: I can't believe I have to do this.
[Scene: The exterior of a house. Joey knocks on the door. A lady opens
[The lady covers her head]
JOEY: No, no! I just came over to say I'm sorry, again, for that incident
the other day, and I would like to give you these tickets to the opera,
show you how sorry I am.
LADY: Really!? Wow!
[Joey hands her the ticket]
LADY: Wow! The opera! Hey, they're tomorrow, even!
JOEY: Yeah, I'm sorry about that -- it being on a such a short notice and
LADY: Would you like to go with me?
JOEY: What--um--excuse me?
LADY: Would you like to go to the opera tomorrow with me?
JOEY: Um, yeah, sure...I guess.
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone except Joey is there.]
MONICA: I can't believe I have to do this.
PHOEBE: Don't worry, Monica., it's not going to be, like, that bad.
[Monica looks at Phoebe]
PHOEBE: Oh, ok, mabey it is.
[A depressed Joey enters. Rachel sits on the couch next to Ross]
PHOEBE: [to Joey] Hey! Oooh, what's the matter?
RACHEL: Did she spit on you this time?
ROSS: Did she take the tickets?
JOEY: Yeah, she took them.
PHOEBE: Then why so glum, chum?
JOEY: Because she asked me to go with her.
CHANDLER: Dear God, no!
JOEY: Yeah, can you believe it?
RACHEL: Looks like she wanted more of your saliva than you've given her.
ROSS: [to Joey] So, what are you so upset about? You get to go to the opera
for free, and all that you really have to pay for is dinner.
JOEY: No, she said that she would pay for dinner.
CHANDLER: The bitch!
ROSS: So then what did you tell her?
JOEY: What could I tell her? She wore my spit!
ROSS: Yeah, I see what you mean.
[Scene: Monica & Rachel's apartment. Monica enters wearing a black
dress and veil covering her face]
MONICA: How does this look?
RACHEL: It looks like you're going to a funeral.
MONICA: Perfect! I don't want to be giving him any ideas.
RACHEL: You mean you're actually going to wear that!?
MONICA: Sure, why not?
RACHEL: No reason.
[Scene: Joey & Chandler's apartment. Joey enters from his room wearing
JOEY: How does this look?
CHANDLER: You might want to change the pants.
JOEY: Are you sure?
CHANDLER: I thought that you said that you didn't care about this girl.
JOEY: I don't, but--you know--I spat on her. I gotta dress for the occasion.
CHANDLER: Oh, in that case, you may want to switch the vest to a jacket.
It'll give a more "covering up" look.
JOEY: Ok, thanks.
[Joey goes to his room]
CHANDLER: No problem.
[Scene: Central Perk at night. Bob wearing a small tuxedo is sitting on
couch. Monica enters]
BOB: Are you ready to go?
MONICA: Yeah, ok.
BOB: Monica, I must say, that is a very beautiful dress.
MONICA: Um, thanks.
[Scene: The opera. Balcony seats. Joey and Carrie (his date) arewatching
the opera. A fat lady can be heard singing in the backround]
CARRIE: This is so exciting.
JOEY: [trying to figure out the opera] What?
CARRIE: This is exciting, isn't it?
JOEY: Um, yeah.
[Carrie starts to bring up spit]
CARRIE: Do you think I can hit that guy over there?
[Scene:Ryan's. Bob and Monica are sitting at a table. Monica looks like
she's being tortured]
BOB: ...and so the doctors were able to surgically pull it out of my head,
without me suffering much brain damage. Want to hear a good joke?
BOB: Oh, ok.
MONICA: Tell you what, though, why don't we take a look at the menu?
[They both look at the menus]
BOB: Oh, look! They have prawns. That reminds me of a funny story.
MONICA: Waitor! More wine!
[Scene: Monica & Rachel's apartment. Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler
CHANDLER: [Teary-eyed] Oh [sniff] that Jim Carrey.
JIM CARREY: [from TV] Do I have something in my teeth?
[Scene: Outside the opera house. Joey and Carrieare thrown out of the building]
SECURITY GUARD: And don't ever come back again! How would you like it if
spit on you?
[Joey and Carrie sit on the curb. Joey gets up, and walks away.]
[Scene: Outside of Monica's building. Monica and Bob walk up to it.]
BOB: ...and--can you believe it--the lady actually slaped me! Open hand,
BOB: Well, here we are.
BOB: I had a really great time tonight.
MONICA: Bob, um, I don't think this is going to work out.
BOB: What do you mean?
MONICA: I don't think we can continue seeing eachother.
BOB: Seeing? We were...
MONICA: Yes, we were, but not any more.
BOB: What went...
MONICA: A lot. I'm sorry, Bob. Good night.
BOB: Ok, goodnight!
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone except Monica is there]
JOEY: And then the security guardshe spat on threw us out of the opera
ROSS: Then what did you do?
JOEY: [embarrased] I walked away.
ROSS: You walked away!?
CHANDLER: [to Monica] So how did you're date go?
MONICA: I don't even want to think about it.
PHOEBE: So when's your next date with Bob?
MONICA: Next date? I broke up with him.
ROSS: You what?
CHANDLER: You broke up with him?
MONICA: Yeah, wasn't that the plan?
ROSS: Yes, but you can't break up on the first date.
MONICA: And why not?
CHANDLER: Because you're not going out. You're not...a couple on the first
date. The relationship...is not...going anywhere. You're not...Okay,
somebody help me out here.
RACHEL: The first date is like a preliminary date. If you like what you
see, then you can continue the dating game. If you don't then: "Goodbye,
was fun, at least we can still be friends."
MONICA: Do you think Bob knows all of this? I mean, I was like his first
ROSS: Yeah, I'm sure you're right. He's just a big idiot that can't pick
a single hint when you shove it in front of his face!
MONICA: God, relax, he's just-
MONICA: Okay! Okay.
[Monica goes up to Bob]
MONICA: Um, Bob, what are you doing here?
BOB: I came to see what the gang is up to.
MONICA: You know we broke up!
BOB: Yeah, I know. It doesn't mean that we can't still be friends.
MONICA: Yes it does! We broke up! Don't you understand!?
BOB: Oh, you're being silly.
[Bob walks over to the rest of the gang]
BOB: So, what's new? Oh, yesterday-
RACHEL: Hey, look, Monica, Bob's here!
BOB: Oh, dang't, what was I going to say?
BOB: No, really.
CHANDLER: No, really.
[Scene: Monica & Rachel's apartment. Everone except Ross is there.]
MONICA: Well, that does it, we need a FOOLPROOF plan this time.
PHOEBE: I'm usually against violence, but this time I'll make an exception.
RACHEL: I say we kill him.
[Everyone stairs at Rachel]
RACHEL: What? It's foolproof! Who's with me?
CHANDLER: I'm in.
JOEY: Sign me up.
MONICA: Come on guys, let's get serious.
PHOEBE: Hey, Ross, do you have a plan to get rid of Bob?
ROSS: I don't know. Kill him?
RACHEL: Then it's unanimous...
[Chandler pulls a giant spoon out of the drawer]
CHANDLER: Let us slay the beast!
[Scene: Central Perk. Night. Bob is sitting by himself. Joey and Chandler
enter. The three of them stare at eachother. Joey and Chandler take off,
with Bob slightly behind them. Phoebe enters with Ross, Rachel, and Monica
PHOEBE: Thank you. Thank you!
[Scene: New York City streets at night. Joey and Chandler are running down
a fairly quiet street as Bob chases them from behind. Joey accidentally
knocks down a bystander]
[The scene is now viewed from a visibly exhausted Bob chasingJoey and
Chandler. We see the reactions ofthe bystanders he runs over.]
[The scene changes. Chandler and Joeyrin by a dumpster, and then stops.]
CHANDLER: Quick...in...here. You go first.
JOEY: Nuh-uh. You go first.
BYSTANDER(OS): Het, watch it!
CHANDLER: Ok, on the count of three, we both go in. One...two...three.
[They jump in the dumpster and shut the lid. As they close the lid, Bob
runs by. Joey and Chandler slowly raise the lid and look around]