The One With All The Ex-Lovers


Written by: Kat

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.


(SCENE: Phoebe & Joey's hotel room in London. There are two beds, don't worry. I can't handle another relationship. Rachel has just rushed in, with her suitcases outside the door)

RACH: We've gotta leave London!

PHOE: Look, I know you're upset about the whole Hugh thing, but-

RACH: What? No! Mon just went into labour!

JOEY: Cool! Where's Ross?

RACH: Can you believe this? He can't come. The producers of the documentary won't let him!


PHOE: I can believe that.

RACH: Anyway, you guys! Pack your stuff! Our flight leaves in an hour!

JOEY: I don't remember booking a flight.


RACH: Well, you…No, never mind. Just getting packing!

PHOE: So, did Monica call you?

RACH: No, Chandler did. Although we got cut off towards the end. I hope Mon's okay.

JOEY: Don't worry. I've heard that labour is totally painless.

PHOE: Are you crazy?! Labour is the worst pain I've ever been through. The worst.

JOEY: Really?

PHOE: It's like running your finger down a razor blade, then sticking it in lemonade. (Rachel and Joey wince) But worse of course. More like going down a slide made of razor blades, then falling into a pool of lemonade. (Rachel and Joey wince even more) I think that's it. No, hang o-

RACH: Please. Don't.

JOEY: Yeah. I really liked those fish and chips. I don't wanna see them in reverse.

OPENING CREDITS

(SCENE: A hospital room. Inside are Chandler, Monica on a bed in a hospital gown- not looking very comfortable to say the least, a male midwife and two nurses. Chandler is hovering over Monica and the midwife)

MIDWIFE: Okay, Monica, you've got about twenty minutes till you're at ten centimetres-

CHAN: What does that mean?

MIDWIFE: Well, it means that she has to push hard in about twenty minutes. (he chuckles for no apparent reason). Anyway, Monica, you can try to relax until then, although you'll get some contractions-

CHAN: I've always wondered exactly what a contraction was.

MIDWIFE: Me too. Then I became a midwife. And now I know.

CHAN: Can you tell me?

MIDWIFE: I'm trying to deliver your child here.

CHAN: So you can't?

MIDWIFE: No!

CHAN: Okay. Whatever. (he looks up) Is that a TV?

MIDWIFE(irritated): Yes.

CHAN: What's it for?

MIDWIFE(irritated): Does it really matter??

CHAN: I guess not.

MON: Owwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

CHAN: Why's she doin that?

MIDWIFE: Please! Get him out of here! I cannot concentrate with him breathing down my neck and asking stupid questions all the time!!

CHAN: No! I have to be here for my baby's birth. Please. One more chance.

MIDWIFE: One. Just one.

(Silence. Monica screams again)

CHAN: Is she gonna be okay?

MIDWIFE(barely letting Chandler finish): Out! Get him out of here!

NURSE1: Sorry, Mr Bing. If you'll come this way…

CHAN: But, I don't wanna…

MON(in pain): Honey…please…just…go. I'll…be…oka…OWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

(Chandler kisses her on the forehead, and lets himself be taken away)

CHAN: I'll phone your mom, okay?

(He leaves)

MIDWIFE: Thank god. Now I can watch my TV in silence. (sees Monica's face) My patient. I can watch my patient! Of course… (under breath) Looks like Grease isn't the word tonight.

(SCENE: The Natural History Museum, London. Ross is standing outside it, with cameras around him)

ROSS: The Natural History Museum is one of the mos…Sorry, can we cut? I just can't get used to all the cameras here. It's unnatural.

PRODUCER: Can I have a word?

ROSS: Sure. (Him and the producer- now know as PROD- walk over to two director's chairs)

PROD: This really isn't working, is it Ross?

ROSS: What isn't?

PROD: This documentary. Well, I'll be honest, it's not the documentary. It’s you.

ROSS: Me?

PROD: We've done 25 takes, each one of you being scared of the camera, or not liking the cameras, or not being comfortable with the placing of the cameras. Let me put it this way. You're fired. Gerald will take over.

(The producer waves to Gerald, a geeky guy, who waves back, and then falls over an empty Coke can. We go back to Ross, who looks very disappointed)

ROSS: Gerald? The guy is scared of Lassie!

PROD: That's true. But you know what he's not scared of? (Ross shakes his head) Cameras!! Now, please, I have a documentary to film.

(Ross stands up and leaves. As he does so, we see Gerald running away from a dog that looks a lot like Lassie. Ross turns around, sees it and laughs. Then he looks sad again. A pigeon fly's over and pecks his foot)

ROSS: Ow!

(SCENE: A hospital waiting room. The same one as when Phoebe was giving birth. Chandler is on the phone. Split screen: Chandler and Monica's mother, Judy)

CHAN: Hey, Mrs Gellar? It's Chandler.

JUDY: Oh, hello! What can I do for you?

CHAN: Well, I'm at the hospital and Mon went into labour a couple hours ago, so I thought I'd call-


JUDY: I'll be there as soon as I can.

CHAN: Oh, okay! I didn't think you'd come!

JUDY: Of course I will! I'll be down in about 45 minutes.


CHAN: Okay. Well, I better go. My money's running out. Bye.

JUDY: Goodbye.

(The split screen goes away, leaving just Chandler)

(A nurse walks past)

CHAN: Hi, yeah. (the nurse stops) Can you tell my fiancé that her mom's gonna be here soon?

NURSE: Who's your fiance, sir?

CHAN: Monica Gellar. She's in room 6C.

NURSE: Sure. I'll be sure to tell her.

(The nurse walks off, and a bit later we hear a loud scream from room 6C)

CHAN: I'm sure that wasn't a labour pain.

(SCENE: A dark street in London. Ross is alone, walking down this street when a girl walks past him and bumps into him)

GIRL: Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry!

ROSS: Emily?

EMLY: How do you know my name?

ROSS: It's me. Ross.

EMLY: Oh my god. Well, this is awkward.

(A street lamp comes on, and it becomes apparent that Emily has been crying)

ROSS: Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?

EMLY: I just got made redundant by my boss. It was a great job, and Hugh is going to be so disappointed.

ROSS: Well, why don't you come back to my hotel room? We can be depressed together.

EMLY: What do you have to be depressed about? Why are you even out here?

ROSS: Well, I'm in London because I'm supposed to be filming a documentary. I just got fired. (Emily looks shocked) Well, no, no, it's good in a way. See, now I can go back to New York to see if Mon's okay.

EMLY: What's wrong with Monica?

ROSS: She's in labour.

EMLY: What?! Who's the father?

ROSS: Chandler.

EMLY: What??!

ROSS: I'll explain at the hotel.

EMLY: I think you'd better.

(SCENE: The next day at the hospital, at about 11am. Chandler is sitting in the waiting room nervously. The midwife comes upto him)

MIDWIFE: Mr Bing?

CHAN: Yes?

MIDWIFE: Monica's had her baby. You can see her now.

(Chandler jumps up, and we move to the hospital room. Monica is lying in bed with a little baby- ahhh!- wearing a pink hat thing. Chandler enters smiling. His eyes light up when he sees little Caitlin. Author: Wipe those tears out of your eyes!)

CHAN(quiet): Wow.

MON: I know. Come here. (he does so)

CHAN: Can I hold her? It is a "her", right?


MON: Of course. (she gives the baby to him, and he sits on a seat next to the bed. Author: I can just imagine this scene. I think Chandler would be a natural dad, so that's what you have to imagine too!)

CHAN: She's perfect.

MON: I know. (they smile at eachother)

CHAN: Your mom and dad came, but you were still in labour, so they said they'd come back today.

MON: Okay.

(Monica's mum enters, on cue)

JUDY: Hi. Oh my goodness! Isn't she beautiful! (she comes over, and who should follow behind her, but Richard! Monica looks totally shocked, Chandler gives Caitlin back to Monica and stands up, looking totally...well how would you feel? Let's just say he's pretty annoyed. Richard looks just as shocked as Monica)

RICH: Monica! I…I had no idea.

JUDY: Sorry, Richard, but I needed a ride and Jack was out. I was late and I forgot to explain.

CHAN(deadpan, no emotion): Richard. Hi.

RICH(friendly): How ya doin Chandler? (he goes to shake his hand, but Chandler doesn't respond) So, Monica, where's the guy that produced this gorgeous baby?

CHAN(deadpan): He's right here.

(Richard looks even more shocked- poor guy)

JUDY: Oh yeah. (to Richard) Monica's sleeping with Chandler. They're getting married in June. Did I not mention that?

RICH: No. No, you didn't.

MON: Richard, I know this could be a little awkward, but it needn't be. Chandler, just calm down, okay? This isn't easy for anyone.

RICH: I, uh, I'm gonna go wait in the car.

CHAN: I think that would be a good idea.

JUDY: I'll be out soon! (Richard leaves)

MON: Mom! What were you thinking?!

JUDY: I forgot. I wanted to see my grand daughter. (she smiles) Monica, she's beautiful. Chandler, I have to admit that when I first found out about you two, I thought she could do better. But you're a great match. Congratulations.

CHAN: Thankyou Mrs Gellar.

JUDY: I should be going. I'm so sorry about Richard.

MON: That's no problem, mom. I'm just glad you came.

JUDY: Well, bye.

(She leaves)

MON: Are you okay?

CHAN: I'm fine. I have the two most important things right here. I'm not gonna let Richard bother me.

(Rachel, Joey and Phoebe rush in)


RACH: Oh…my…god! Monica! She's gorgeous!

(She rushes over, and hugs Chandler, then kisses Monica on the forehead)

PHOE: She's so sweet. (to Monica) I thought labour would kill you. But now, you are a member of the club.

RACH: I wanna be in the club!

CHAN: Well, Ross should get started pretty soon!

(Through this, Joey is looking adoringly at little Caitlin)

JOEY: I think I might cry. (he wipes a tear from his eye)

(SCENE: Ross's London hotel room. Him and Emily are sitting on the bed, talking)

EMLY: So, Chandler and Monica are getting married in June? My god. You've all been rather busy haven't you?

ROSS: Yeah, for example, me and Rach got back together.

EMLY: Oh. Well, I hate to say I told you so, but…

ROSS: It's not like that. We only just started dating. It's…Can I tell you something?

EMLY: Of course.

ROSS: Well, I really fought to get with her, but now I…

EMLY(finishing off his sentence): …don't feel it was quite worth the fight.

ROSS: Yeah. I guess, well, what I'm trying to say is this. Since I've been in London, I've kinda been thinking about you.

EMLY: Ross, I'm engaged.

ROSS: So, you're saying you don't feel the same way?

EMLY: No, I'm not saying that at all. (she smiles at him, and he leans in and kisses her. SHOCK SHOCK HORROR HORROR!)

(END SCENE: Rachel & Phoebe's apartment. Rachel is checking the answer machine.)

MACHINE: You have one new message.

(The machine beeps, and we hear the message)

ROSS(his voice on the machine): Hey, Rach. Hey, Phoebs. I'm just calling to say I'll be flying home in a few days. The filming's going great. Well, bye.

(Rachel thinks it's finished and she smiles. But the message continues)

EMLY(distant): Ross, come on! Come back to bed.

(Rachel stops smiling)

ROSS: Coming! (realises he didn't hang up the phone) Uh oh. Rach, Rach, I was kidding around!

(Rachel turns off the answer machine, and sits down on the sofa)

END

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