The One With All The Fortunes


Written by: Kathryn

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.


(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's kitchen. The lights are dimmed and it's late evening. Move across to the living room, where Phoebe is on the floor by the coffee table and Monica is on the sofa, with her palm rested on the coffee)

PHOE: Okay, so-

MON: Sh! Chandler's sleeping, and you know how he feels about all this fortune telling stuff!

PHOE: Yeah, he thinks it's cool! That's what he told me.

MON(disbelief- Chandler was lying!): No, he di- (sees Phoebe's expectant face)…Never mind. Just keep it down, okay?.

PHOE(whispering, but so we can hear her): Okay, well this line here means you're gonna have a pretty long life. This line means you're gonna have a good career and a good family life…

MON(interested): Uh huh…

PHOE: And see this line? (Monica nods) This means that you have to get me a soda.

MON: Really?

PHOE: No, I'm just really thirsty.

(Monica smiles and gets up to go to the fridge)

MON: Diet?

PHOE(laughs): As if!

(Chandler comes out of his and Monica's room, yawning)

CHAN: What's going on? It's 2 in the morning.

MON(struggling): Uh, well, uh, Phoebs came over to, uh-

PHOE: She had my top, and I need it for a date.
 

CHAN: At 2 in the morning?

PHOE: Oh yeah, he's nocturnal. Anyway, thanks for the top, Mon. Bye!

(She runs out)

CHAN: She didn't even take anything with her.

MON: Oh, you know what Phoebs is like. What a weirdo.

CHAN: Who's the soda for?

MON: Uh, you.

CHAN: For me? Aw. (he kisses her) I'm going back to bed, okay?

MON: Okay. (there's a pause)

CHAN: Can I have my soda?

MON: Oh, right. (she hands it to him, and he kisses her again, then goes to bed) (Monica lets out a sigh of relief) Man.
 

(Chandler comes out of his room)

CHAN: Did you say something?

MON(loud, straight away): No!

(SCENE: Chandler & Monica's. The whole gang, minus Joey, are there, eating breakfast, except Rachel)

ROSS(to Rachel): You want a bite of my muffin, sweetie?

RACH: Aw, no. I'm on a diet.

ROSS: You? On a diet? Why?

RACH: That's sweet, but I have to cut down. I've put on 4 pounds, and they won't shift by themselves.

CHAN(laughing): Maybe you're pregnant! (Rachel glares at him warningly) What?

(Joey enters with a script)

JOEY: Hey!

CHAN(referring to script): I keep telling you! I will not sign a contract so that you can eat the duck's food!

PHOE: A contract? Just help yourself, that's what I do.

JOEY(swiftly moving on): Yeah, anyway. This isn't a contract, this is a script for an audition I just did.

MON: That's great! What's the part?

JOEY: It's a lead role, this dentist, right, and he's on a mission.

CHAN: I can see it now. (Puts on deep voice and stands up) A dentist on a mission. Come see the new movie starring Joey Tribbiani, Flossing For Dear Life.

(Monica kisses him)

CHAN: What was that for?

MON: To shut you up.

CHAN: Maybe I'll tell you my joke about the pig in the bar.

RACH: Joey, continue. (looks at Chandler) Please.

JOEY: So, this dentist, Thomas, he's on a mission to find the golden tooth of Nagasaki. The tooth turned gold during World War Two, in the bombings. When he goes to Nagasaki, he finds the girl with the tooth, and they get together but Thomas gets a rare disease and dies. It's a tragic love tale.

CHAN: With such a twist.

ROSS(disbelief, trying to keep a straight face): The golden tooth of Nagasaki? What's the movie called, Jo?

JOEY: It's called The Golden Tooth Of Nagasaki.

PHOE: Well, I think it's great! I mean, you're getting paid, right?

JOEY: Uh huh, half a million bucks.

ALL: Oh my god!

CHAN: That's a fortune! A small one, admittedly, but it's a fortune nonetheless!

JOEY: None the what?

MON: It means anyway.

JOEY: Oh!

CHAN: I can't believe you're getting half a million dollars! I've been in my job for twice as long as you and done twice as much work, and I-

(Monica kisses him)

CHAN: I'm sensing a pattern here…

MON: Next time, I'll just slap you.

CHAN: Hm. Saucy.

RACH(in fridge- don't ask how she got there): Mon, do you guys have any salad?

(Chandler bursts out laughing)

RACH: What?

CHAN: Salad? In this apartment? Please!

RACH: Well, do you have anything low fat?

CHAN(laughing harder): Wow! You really are clueless! I'm gonna go to the bathroom, but keep cracking those jokes, Rach!

(He goes into the bathroom)

MON(discreet, to Rachel): The salad's in the top cupboard at the back. There's low fat yoghurt in a secret compartment in the back of the fridge, along with some other healthy stuff.

RACH: Okay… (she goes into the cupboard, and gets a little ready made salad thing out)

(Chandler comes out of the bathroom- very quick wasn't he!)

CHAN(about salad): Where'd that come from?

PHOE: My bag. Duh. I always carry (looks at the label on the salad) chicken and pasta salad.

CHAN: You don't eat meat.

PHOE(pause): Uh, no, that's Ursula. Do you know me at all?
 

ROSS: Oh, you guys, guess what? I also have great news!

RACH: Really, honey? What is it?
 

ROSS: I, Ross Nathaniel Gell-

CHAN: Nathaniel? (he laughs) Are you kidding me?!

ROSS(embarrassed): Anyway, uh, I got picked by the museum to do a documentary that's gonna be filmed in…wait for it…London!

RACH(clearing throat- she is not happy): L-London?

ROSS: I know! Isn't it great!

JOEY: Who do we know that lives there again? Oh yeah- Emily!

ROSS: Look, I know that Emily lives there, but so what?

RACH: I'll tell you what! That…hussy is in love with you! She could try and steal you from me again!

ROSS: Again?

RACH: I mean, for the first time ever!
 

MON: You're going to London?! Can I come? (Rachel glares at her) To keep an eye on you!

PHOE: Ooh! We could all go! I wanna see London! I've never been there! (pause) Well, except in 1875. But it's probably changed.

CHAN: Group trip to London? Hey, here's an idea. Why don't Ross, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe go?

MON: And Monica and Chandler.

CHAN: Or, Monica and Chandler could join them a few days later…

PHOE: Isn't that weird! You guys know another Monica and Chandler! Are they coming?

CHAN: What I mean is, well, me and Mon don't get a whole lot of time alone, so-

MON: Wait! I'm pregnant!

JOEY: Duh! Even I knew that!

MON: I can't fly!

PHOE: Hah! Now you know how I felt!

CHAN: Well, if you don’t go, neither do I!

RACH: So, it's settled. Me, Ross, Jo and Phoebs can go.

ROSS: I'll have to check with my boss…And, what about Joey and his movie?

JOEY: Oh, the movie doesn't start filming for a couple months.

ROSS: What about the flight fees?

PHOE: Ooh, well I just won $20 on a scratch card. And Ross can pay the rest.

ROSS(slow): Well, Phoebe…thanks…for the…contribution.

PHOE: That's totally okay!

(SCENE: Rachel & Phoebe's. There is a huge suitcase in the living room, and Rachel's clothes are scattered everywhere. Phoebe is watching, barely able to contain herself)

PHOE: So. Is London big?

RACH: Uh, yeah. It's pretty big there.

PHOE: Was it nice when you went?

RACH: Well, not for me. Y'know, cos I was trying to stop a wedding.

PHOE: But forgetting all that…?

RACH: Yeah, it was great. Look, the guys will probably be more useful. Especially Joey and Chandler. I think they went on a sightseeing tour when they were there.

PHOE: Oh. Okay. Well, were there nice guys there?

RACH: Ohhh yeah! Definitely!

PHOE: I so can't wait! I'm going to London! And you guys are coming!

RACH: Except Chandler and Monica.

PHOE: Yeah, well, you win some, you lose some.

RACH: Phoebs!

PHOE: I'm just excited! I've never been to Europe! Well, not in this life. Oh, wait, except Prague.

RACH: Wow! What was that like?

PHOE: Well, I was on the run, so…

(Rachel starts to talk, but stops herself)

(Chandler enters)

CHAN: Hey!

RACH/PHOE: Hey!

PHOE: Ooh! You can tell me about London!

CHAN: Not right now. Look, could you guys do me a favour?

RACH: Sure, honey. What is it?
 

CHAN: Well, I need you to keep Mon busy for about an hour.

PHOE: Ooh! I can tell her fortune!

CHAN: What?

PHOE: Nothing.

RACH: Why does she have to be kept busy?

CHAN: Well, I'm going to the mall to pick up some stuff, and she can't be around when I get back.

RACH: What stuff?

CHAN: Promise you'll keep it a secret?

PHOE: Oh yeah! I am so good with secrets! In 1423, I died because I kept a secret! Or was that because I told one?

RACH: Tell us, Chandler!

CHAN: Okay, well, you know I told you about that thing I was gonna do at the millennium?

RACH: Yeah? But you never said what?

CHAN: Well, a couple weeks ago, I went down to this gorgeous old church, and booked a date for the wedding. I'm going down to get invitations, and I'm gonna write her one, and put it under the bed sheet.

PHOE: Oh my god! You booked a date? When for?

CHAN: The 1st of June. I was thinking an outside wedding with pale blues and maybe yellows, none of that old white crap.

RACH: Chandler! I was gonna marry Barry in white!

CHAN: And look what happened.

RACH: Okay, okay. But are you sure Mon's gonna like this?

CHAN: Sure! I mean, she'll have had the baby a few months before, so she'll be okay and she'll have her figure back. And, anyway, I can always cancel it.

RACH: And you'd be okay with that?

CHAN: Why wouldn't I? Look, I gotta go, so can you two go round to my place now?

PHOE: Sure! I'll get my tarot cards?

CHAN: What?

PHOE: Uh, carrot cards.

CHAN: Whatever.

(He walks out, looking confused)

PHOE: Phew. Close one.

(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's. Monica is lying on the couch, watching TV and resting a bowl of popcorn on her quite large bump. Phoebe and Rachel enter)

PHOE/RACH: Hey!

(Monica looks up)

MON: Oh, hey! I wasn't expecting you guys.

PHOE: I came by to do your tarot!
 

MON: And why's Rach here?

RACH: I wanted to watch.

MON: Okay, go ahead.

PHOE: Okay. (she lays out 5 cards on the coffee table, in the shape of a star)

MON(unsure): Are you sure this is right?

PHOE: Of course it is. Okay, the first card (indicating to the top card) is all about your love life. (she turns it over to reveal the Wheel Of Fortune) Wow! You have a great love life!

RACH(smirking): I could of told her that.

PHOE: But you didn't. (she turns over the next card, which is an upside-down Saturn card) Ooh…

MON: What?

PHOE: This is your family card. It means critical… (she stops and pulls a tarot book out of her bag) Okay, here we are. It means critical and depressing and-

(Chandler enters with a large box)

CHAN: Hello children. (to Monica) Hey, honey.

MON: What's in the box?

CHAN: A surprise.

(Monica gets up)

MON: Let me see!

CHAN(not wanting to): Eh…

MON: Come on!

RACH: Honey, you just as well show her. She's gonna know sooner or later.

(Monica swirls around to look at Rachel, who shrugs awkwardly)

CHAN: Okay, okay. Take one card out of the box.

(Monica does so, confused)

MON(reading): You are invited…(she looks at Chandler and opens the card)…to the wedding of (pause) Chandler and Monica, on the 1st of June. (she looks up at Chandler, who suddenly looks very nervous) Wow. You booked a date.

RACH(aside, to Phoebe): Uh oh.

CHAN: What do you think?

MON: I think that…it's perfect.

RACH(loud): Are you kidding me? How are you not mad?

MON: I think it's great. I mean, Caitlin's due in a month, and June seems like a really good month. (she smiles and hugs Chandler, who we see letting out a sigh of relief)

(END SCENE: Ross & Joey's. The two are packing, and Chandler is watching. They've all got beers)

CHAN: You know, I can't believe you're going back to London. What if you see Emily?

ROSS: I won't.

CHAN: How do you know?

ROSS: I don't. I'm just saying that to make myself feel better.

JOEY: Do you think I'll see the hottest woman on earth again?

ROSS: Felicity? I doubt it. Because she's on Emily's side of the family and a-

JOEY: Not Felicity! Fergie!

CHAN: Joey, you aren't gonna see Fergie again!

JOEY: How do you know? I mean, it is…LONDON BABY!

CHAN: Oh god. (he takes a huge gulp of his beer)

END