The One With The Mormon Guy


Written by: John Schoenhals

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.


Central Perk, the gang's all there as Chandler walks in with a guy also dressed in a suit.

Chan: Gunther, two of your finest Colombian Creations please.

Guy: That's Ok, I'll just have a lemonade.

Chan: What, is coffee against your religion or something?

Guy: (In a very serious and obviously false low voice) Yes.

Chan: (Playing along) OK, OK, Lemonade it is.

Guy: Thanks Chandler, how much is it?

Chan: My treat John.

John: Wow, first the doughnuts now the lemonade, you buy me a sandwich and people will say we're dating, which would also be against my religion, by the way.

Chan: Man, you guys don't have any fun, do you?

John: Only after we sacrifice the chickens. (Sees Chandler is shocked) Kidding, kidding!

Chan: Hey guys, this is John Markson, a "consultant" (Makes motions with his fingers) that's working with our company right now. I'm showing him the cool spots of New York.

All: Hey John!

John: Hello to all of the New Yorkers.

Phoe: You have got the brightest aura!

John: Thanks, I floss twice a day.

Ross: Hey, how's Chandler's workplace, they so need help with everything.

John: They so do, but not the secretaries. They are on the ball, when they're not calling their husbands, but I think that behavior is OK.

Rach: Are you married?

John: Was it the comment, the ring, or the gut that gave it away?

Phoe: That was in your aura too.

Mon: Um, Chandler?

Chan: This is my girlfriend Monica. She's the inspiration for my soul!

John: So Monica, is it just me, or is Chandler never serious unless someone is slapping him on the butt? I guess you never do that though.

Joey: Oh you'd be surprised.

John: Huh? Well anyway, what do you all do . . .

 

Next scene, outside Central Perk:

John: You have got some cool friends Chandler. Monica seems to enjoy your company as well. Are you guys engaged yet?

Chan: What, are you crazy? I like things how they are, having separate bedrooms brings variety.

John: How?

Chan: Well, you know . . .(Sees John is oblivious, and shuts up)

John: Oh hey, look: Elders!

Chan: What, old people?

John walks over to two guys in suits with white shirts and ties, riding bicycles, and begins to talk to them.

John: Where are you guys from?

Elder1: Salt Lake City.

Elder2: Manila

John: Which high school?

Elder1: East

John: I went to Skyline! I graduated umpteen years ago though. At tsaka ikaw, Elder, saan sa Maynila?

Elder2: Las Piņas. Marunong ka palang managalog. Itong Kasama ko, ayaw!

John: Ayos lang iyan, Elder, turuan mo pa rin. Basta bibigyan mo siya ng minudo, Matututo siya. Naging Missionary ako dati sa Maynila.

Elder1: We have an appointment. If you'd ever like to. . .

John: It's ok Elder. I was baptized at 8. Sige huh?

Elder2: Ingat.

John: Ingat Sila sa'yo!

Elder2 laughs as the Elders ride away.

Chan: (Flabbergasted) What the heck are you doing? Those guys are dangerous! They are out to make you stop being evil!!!

John: I used to be one of those guys. They are actually out to help you find out the truth.

Chan: And you quit because. . .?

John: You only get 2 years.

Chan: and then what? You just ride the bike and stare at people?

John: No, you go to college and become a consultant.

Chan: Or that.

 

Next scene, Chandler and Joey are talking to Monica and Phoebe in Monica's apartment.

Joey: He was one of those religion geeks?

Chan: You should have seen him! He was speaking Filipino to one of them, and he was from the same place as one.

Mon: Um, it didn't happen to be Utah did it?

Chan: Yes. It was Salt Lake City.

Mon: He's a Mormon. Yep, a full-blooded Mormon.

Joey: Hey Monica, just because he's not very smart doesn't mean we should mock him.

Phoe: No, silly! A Mormon, not a Moron! That's why his aura was so strong. All their men are "priests". I read about it in Time. They help the poor Hurricane victims. They are very cool!

Chan: I had a Mormon neighbor once. She was the only mom in the neighborhood that learned my name and didn't call me "Son of the Gay dancer and the Romance Novel Slut". They are cool. They sure like their Jell-O, though.

Ross: Jell-O? What, is part of some ritual or something?

Chan: No, he just said that he never went to a party in High School that didn't involve some form of Jell-O or the other. When I said, "Wow, girls in Jell-O" he said "NO, to eat. Why would girls be in Jell-O?" It was so weird.

Rach: I'd never be in Jell-O either. It would really itch on your . . . looks up to see Joey Smiling at her.

Joey: What? Your what?

Rach: Never Mind!!!!

Mon: Invite him over for dinner tomorrow! I'll make him the best Jell-O he's ever had!

Ross: I don't know, what if he starts doing some sort of dance?

Everyone looks at him funny

Joey: Ross, not Moron, remember?

 

Next Scene, Chandler's Office

John: So you see, by creating a cross-functional team with finance and marketing, the data you record for this new system's success will actually have meaning.

Chan: That would be a, let me see, a first for our company. Wow. How long did you go to college?

John: Five and a half years for two degrees. With two years off in the middle.

Chan: Two years as the one of the bicycle brigade?

John: I actually never had a bike, except for two weeks, and, well it wasn't pretty. Where did you go to college?

Chan: I went to __________________. That's where I met Ross.

John: Don't take this the wrong way, but is Ross Jewish or did Gellar stop being a Yiddish name at the Statue of Liberty?

Chan: Yeah, he's Jewish, so is Monica then I guess, huh? Wow. I hadn't thought of that. If we ever have kids, that would make them . ? . . . .

John: People. Look Chandler, you're a great guy and all, but have you ever thought there might be something missing in your life besides an Academy Award?

Chan: What do you mean?

John: I mean, look, this isn't the place to discuss this, I get in trouble sometimes because I feel so strongly, but have you given much thought to what God wants for you?

Chan: I don't know (in his mind) Wait, this is the part where I run away or mock him to shame, or just blow ff the whole God thing, but this guy is making me really think . . .

John: I'm sorry, this isn't the place, we shouldn't be talking like this at . .

Chan: It's ok. We'll talk later. Wanna come over to Monica's for dinner? She's making Jell-O!

John: (Feigning Excitement) Oh boy!

 

Next Scene, Monica's apartment, the gang has just sat down to eat.

Mon: There you go John, SUPER Jell-O.

John: Wow, no marshmallows or carrots, how nice! Thanks Mon.

Joey: The girls had carrots too? (Ross then hits him and looks down)

Ross: So John, do you believe in Evolution?

John: What?

Phoe: We had a huge fight once about it, so he tries to convince everybody. He caved though.

Ross: I did not cave!

John: Do you mean evolution of animals and plants, or like man? I believe in Natural Selection, the moths in England and the Galapagos turtles with the seeds and stuff prove that. I just don't believe man came form apes, despite "Australopithecus" and his buddies.

Ross: OK, good call on the Natural Selection, and good examples.

Phoe: Is there anything you don't know?

John: Your shoe size. There, I'm not infallible.

Ross: Wait, the fossil record says . . .

John: I'm sorry Ross, I didn't come here to debate, I came to eat this "great" Jell-O. But I do have 2 words for you: missing, and link.

Ross: I'll shut up now.

Chan: More Jell-O anyone?

Rach: Yeah, sure. Thanks.

Joey: It won't make your "mouth" itch, will it?

Rach: Shut UP Joey!

 

Next Scene, they are all on the couches listening to John tell a story

John: Then the cleft-palate guy said, "No, you guys will fall off, it's too dangerous" To which I replied, I think if anyone is going to fall off this Jeep, it's going to be you. Then he backed down, I got on the top, and had a great ride.

Joey: Did you ever get hit by a tree branch?

John: No, we always looked for those so they wouldn't hit us.

Chan: So, why did you do it? Go on a "mission" I mean?

John: Are you all sure you want to hear this?

Rach: It doesn't involve Jell-O, does it?

Ross: Or missing links?

John: No. OK, growing up a Mormon is a little different than most other religions. From the time you can talk they teach us that the most important thing we can ever do is help other people come to know Christ better. I've known I have the truth for so long, I just felt it was what God wanted me to do. I prayed about it, and I received an answer that I should.

Mon: How does that work, exactly, does God just come down and say, "Hey, John, go ride those bikes!"

John: Laughing, no, it's more of a feeling you get. Like when you help somebody out for no reason, or hear O Holy Night sung by a great singer, or like when you tell your parents you love them.

Phoe: Or like, right now?

John: Yeah. Like right now. I wish I could stay longer, but I have an early meeting with Chandler's boss, then I get to fly home and spend the day with me wife. No Joey, she won't make Jell-O to celebrate.

Chan: I'll e-mail you about that team.

John: I'll be following up. Before I go, I have something for all of you. I wish I had more, but you'll have to share. This is the Book of Mormon. I have three copies. One is for Chandler and Monica, the other two for the rest of you to share until I can send some more. Don't be offended if they're delivered by the Bicycle Brigade. I've written some stuff in the front. Let me know how it goes, ok guys? Chandler has my Email. Laters.

John leaves, and the room is silent. Ross picks up the book,

Ross: OK, let's see what "missing link guy" has to say.

John's voice: Hey guys, I hope you like the Book. It's made me happy and because of it, I am who I am today. Ross, I know that science tells you to test things with tangible variables, but listen to your heart on this one. Joey, be sure to read this on a day when you haven't just said, "How you doin'" to anyone and gotten results. Phoebe, it's not an aura, but a spirit. You have it too, just discover Jesus Christ, and you'll find it. Rachel, Enjoy this book. It will make you happier than 20 shopping trips where everything is 75% off.

Chan: Wow, he remembered stuff from when he talked to you guys. I wonder what he has for me and Monica?

John's voice: Chandler, you may try to ward off any seriousness through your humor, but I can see that you think deeply. This book will help you realize what life is all about. Monica, if you want to be with Chandler forever, and find perfection, it's in this book. God bless all of you.

Rach: Yeah right, better than 75%. (She then starts crying) Start reading!

Mon: The Book of Mormon is a collection of ancient writings about Jesus Christ from the inhabitants of America. .

Tune in Next Time for :

The one where the gang gets baptized.

THE END