An original fanfic script by Christopher Huang.
And finished by: Niki
Intro Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is on the couch, totally engrossed in an Agatha Christie novel. Rachel is in the background, serving drinks. Chandler enters and sees Phoebe.
Chandler: (Sneaking up on Phoebe) Boo!
Phoebe: (Jumping and dropping the book) AHH! Oh, oh!
Chandler: Whatcha reading, Phoebs?
Phoebe: What? Oh, its like this Agatha Christie thing, you know. About people getting poisoned or hanged or shot or hacked to death with hatchets, but they all live happily ever after in the end.
Chandler: (Picking up the book) I didnt know you were interested in this sort of thing.
Phoebe: Its just that I want to get a feel of the thing, you know? I wanna know what its all about. You remember my friend Ryan?
Chandler: Yeah, the submarine guy. What, he got himself murdered and now they want you to solve it?
Phoebe: Ooh, that would be fun.... No, no, thats not it. Oh yeah, he left this thing behind. (She gestures at the table, and we see for the first time that theres boardgame box on it. The name, "Cluedo" is prominently displayed.)
Phoebe: He picked it up in England or something. I think its what they call "Clue" over there. You know, with Miss Scarlet and Mr Green and all the rest. Oh, but instead of Mr Green, hes Rev Green here. Anyway, I wanted to get a feel of the thing....
Rachel: (Stopping behind them) Phoebs, its just a board game.
Phoebe: AHH! (Startled again, she jumps and hits her head on Rachels coffee pot. Cut to Chandler, who is opening the box. As he does so, a weird golden light comes pouring out. He stares, open-mouthed.)
Chandler: Or maybe not....
Opening Credits: "Ill Be There For You". The camera seems to have gone haywire and is zooming around everybody like an inebriated bumblebee. We catch glimpses of the Friends fiddling around with various objects. Rachel is holding up a tray containing coffee cups and a large revolver; Monica is polishing an ornate looking dagger; Phoebe has set an incense candle in a candlestick and is trying unsuccessfully to light it; Joey is knocking at a radiator with a wrench; Chandler is holding on to some girls skipping rope and looking puzzled; and Ross seems to have found a bit of lead pipe in a pile of dinosaur bones. All of them seem to be dressed in the style of the late 1920s or early 1930s. As the song fades out, we see them all on the couch in a park as usual. They turn out the lamp, and the lights go completely out: the whole scene goes dark, and someone screams.
Scene: Central Perk(?). Close up on Phoebe, on the couch, rubbing her head.
Phoebe: Ow... Oh, that smarts.
Rachel: (We dont see her, we only hear her voice) Oh, oh, you know what, I am so sorry.
Phoebe: No, no, Im fine, its just that.... (she sees Rachel and stops. The camera zooms back and we see the whole scene. No, it is not Central Perk, but a nicely-done Victorian drawing room. Rachel is dressed in a peacock-blue evening dress from the 30s, with sapphires, and shes holding a large silver teapot. Phoebe looks down at herself. She is wearing a similar dress, except that its red and has lots more frills and stuff. Sitting nearby is Chandler, wearing a worn green jacket over a clerical collar. Phoebe stares at the whole scene, and we wait with bated breath for her reaction.)
Phoebe: (Reacting) Wow. Cool.
Chandler: Phoebs, you alright?
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, Im fine. Oh wow. Is this like one of those like really far-out fan-fiction things where we get to do all kinds of weird stuff?
Rachel: (putting down the teapot) Oh my god, its worse than I thought.
Chandler: Rache, this is Phoebe were talking about here. (The doorbell rings)
Phoebe: Okay, so if were all still Rachel and Chandler and, umm, me, then I guess Im alright. (Enter Monica, looking decidedly chic in a well-starched white chefs outfit.)
Monica: Oh, Rache? Ross and the Colonel are here. (She notices that teapot is set down crooked, and straightens it out.) You touched the teapot, didnt you? (Exit)
Phoebe: Wha...? The Colonel? Who?
Chandler: Joey? Remember? Colonel Joseph Mustard, who once had this thing for your sister? (Enter Ross and Joey. Ross clothes are colour-coded in plum, Joeys in yellow. Rachel goes to greet Ross with a kiss.)
Rachel: Professor Ross Plum.
Ross: Mrs Rachel Peacock. (They kiss.)
Phoebe: Ooh, I guess Im not all right.
Chandler: Thats an understatement.
Phoebe: Oh, wait wait wait.... If shes MRS Peacock, then, like, wheres Mr Peacock?
Rachel: What? Oh, you mean Barry? Uh.....
Joey: He died.
Rachel: (acting somewhat guilty) You can put it that way. (Explaining) Phoebe just had a rather nasty knock to the head.
Ross: Oh, is she, is she concussed? Because you never can tell with knocks to the head.
Joey: Nah, shell be fine. I got plenty of knocks to the head during the war, and Im fine.
Chandler: Now, you know, that explains a lot. (Suddenly, a scream rips through the air. Everybody looks at each other in shock before hurrying out to...)
Scene: The Kitchen. Monica is here, looking not-as-chic-as-before. In fact, she looks decidedly distraught. The others rush in.
Joey: Hey, hey, what is it? (Monica gestures at the floor. We now see some
guy lying there with a rope tightly knotted around his neck) Whoa. That looks
Chandler: Really? Remind me not to try it. (Ross goes over to investigate)
Monica: Ross, what, what are you doing? Dont! Its... its... icky.
Ross: (Examining the body) Well, hes been dead quite a while. (Moves the head) Oh. Oh oh oh.
Ross: Its Roger. (Thunderclap.)
Phoebe: What? Roger?
Chandler: Remember? Your creepy psychiatrist ex-boyfriend whom we all hated? (Everybody except Joey turns to stare at him) But who was really quite a nice guy. Really.
Joey: Nah. He was a creep and we all hated him.
Rachel: Shouldnt we call the police? (As she picks up the phone, the doorbell rings)
Monica: Oh my god oh my god, thatll be Mom and Dad! If they see this in the kitchen oh my god what will they say weve got to hide the body...
Ross: Mon! Youre going hyper-sonic again.
Monica: Okay, okay.... breathing deeply (breathes deeply) Okay, heres what well do. Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, you find some place to hide the body. Now.
Rachel: (replacing the phone) Or we can do that. (The doorbell rings again)
Monica: Ross, weve got to go open the front door.
Chandler: Right, we get to risk our necks disturbing a crime scene, and you get to open a door.
Phoebe: Oh, but shouldnt we leave him here for the police?
Monica: Phoebe, Ill die if my folks see this! Do you want me to die? Is that what you want?! Do you WANT to see me die?!
Phoebe: Sir! No, sir! Ooh, oh, deja vu....
Monica: Good. Now move it. (Taking a deep breath) Okay, Ross.... (She and Ross leave the kitchen as the others wonder what to do with Rogers body.)
Scene: The Hall. Ross has his hand on the door and Monica is straightening her uniform.
Monica: Okay. Im ready. (Ross opens the door. Jack and Judy Geller are
there, though for the sake of this script they shall be referred to as Jack and Judy
Judy: What a charming place. Why is your brother opening the door, Monica dear, after all, youre practically one of the help now.
Monica: Mom, I do the cooking because Im a trained chef. I know its not what you wanted me to be, but....
Judy: (interrupting) Oh, and youll never guess who we met in the driveway.... (Carol and Susan appear in the doorway. Susan is carrying Ben.)
Ross: Carol! Susan! Hi....
Susan: We thought wed drop in, since we were in the neighbourhood.
Ross: Isnt this, isnt this just, just a great Plum family reunion.
Carol: Ross, Im not a Plum anymore.
Judy: Yes.... (to Monica:) And you knew about this?
Monica: (To herself) Sometimes I think I could just kill her....
Scene: The Kitchen. Joey is carrying the body, while the others try to decide where to put it.
Phoebe: Okay, and what would you do with the body?
Chandler: I dont know! Moving dead bodies isnt exactly my line of work!
Joey: So, could you decide already? This guys heavy!
Rachel: (Looking through the door) Well, we cant take him out now. The Plums are out there. Oh my god, theyre coming this way!
Phoebe: Okay, okay. Lets just dump him in this cupboard thingy here.
Chandler: (Opening it and reading the plaque on the door) "Meat Freezer". How oddly appropriate. (Joey struggles to push the body in and, with Chandlers help, finally manages to get it in. They slam the door shut, leaning against it, just as Judy and Monica come in. Joey and Chandler smile "innocently".)
Monica: ...I really think this is not a good time....
Chandler, Joey, Phoebe & Rachel: (grinning inanely) Hi!
Judy: Well, hi!
Joey: Were just....
Chandler: Just leaving! (Chandler and Joey scuttle out of the kitchen.)
Monica: (Under her breath) Like rats deserting a sinking ship.
Phoebe: (Giggling) Oh, Monica, youre not a sinking ship. (Monica gives her a Look) Okay, keeping quiet now.
Judy: (Who has been examining the kitchen) So, this is where you do your cooking. At least it looks clean enough. (Both Rachel and Phoebe make "Yeah, right, youre telling me" faces) And what a big meat freezer you have.
Monica: (relieved at Judys seeming approval) Yes, it is, isnt it? (She moves to open it)
Rachel: (moving to block the freezer) BUT thats not what you came for, is it, Mrs Plum?
Monica: (whispering) Rachel, my mother wants to see the meat freezer.
Rachel: (whispering back) And I think your mother isnt interested in whats inside the freezer.
Judy: Is something wrong, Monica?
Monica: (Suddenly understanding) What? No, nothings wrong! I was just thinking. You know what, Dad and Carol and, and Susan are in the Lounge right now so why dont we go and join them. Right now.
Judy: Well, whatever. (Turning to go) Your father was just saying.... Rachel, dear, you know I dont like to bring up the past, I mean, it was such a short marriage.
Judy: But dont worry. Im sure well catch that horrible, horrible man who killed Mr Peacock in the Study with the Revolver.
Phoebe: Youre kidding!
(SCENE OPENS INTO LIVING ROOM RACHEL LOOKING DISTRAUT AND WORRIED)
Rachel: Ohh! Oh no! There's no need to find out who killed Mr. Peacock. It's over its done with. I'm over it..... anyone for tea???
Judy: (not getting the point) Umm, well yes I'll take some
Others: Ohh ya tea! Tea good for you! Ya! I'll take tea a big cup of tea! Ya, tea.
Phoebe: Ohh, ohh I get it tea like
Others: All look at phoebe like dont say a thing
Phoebe: Umm tea
Rachel: Ya, I'll go get it does someone wanna help me???
Others: No you just go get the tea you'll be fine
Rachel: No! Really does someone want to help me with the tea?!!
Others: (getting the point) Ya, I'll help you! Ya come on! Lets get the tea ( All rise to go help Rachel)
[Scene: The Kitchen, only the gang is there.]
Monica: So what do we do??
Joey: I think were all having fun. What's wrong? What do we do about that?
Chandler: Not about that dummy! About the body!
Rachel: Yeah, so what do we, do, could we umm, pretend he's alive and introduce him to your parents???
Monica: What kind of idiots do you think they are???
Rachel: Well, umm...
Monica: What are you trying to say??
Rachel: Nohting just...
Ross: Ok back to the point, now what are we going to do?
(Cut to living room Judy, Jack, Susan, and Carol are all there)
Judy: Something funny seems to be going on in the other room.
Jack: Ohh Judy! The children have grown up! Why dont you?
Carol: No I agree with Judy something wierd is going on.
Susan: Lets all just forget about it. It'll be fine! Nothing is wrong.
Judy: Well I'm going to check it out anyways.
Susan: I'm going with her.
[Scene: The Kitche, the gang is trying to drag the body out the back door.]
(Cut to living room Carol and Judy rise walking to kitchen door)
Phoebe: No, no, no! How do we do this?
(Carol and Judy appproach the door the door slightly opens)
(All of a sudden as if from no where, "Clap! Clap! Clap!")
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is laying on teh couch with Chandler
perched over her head and with the others standing around watching. Chandler claps
Phoebe: (Sits up) What? Huh? Where am I?
Rachel: Ohh my gosh! I'm so sorry Pheebs, are you alright???
Phoebe: Rachel is that you??
Rachel: Ohh Pheebs, are you ok?
Phoebe: I'm alright now, but I had a dream. A bad dream (looks at each friend) and you were there, and you, and you too, all of you were there.
(Judy and Jack stop in unexpectedly)
Monica and Ross: Mom, dad what are you doing here???
Judy: We just thought we would stop in to see how everything is and look who we ran in to on the way in Carol and Susan.
Phoebe: Ohh my God!
Ross: It's like a big Geller family reunion!!!
Carol: Ross, I am no longer a Geller.
(Phoebe screams and falls back to sleep.)
All: What's her problem?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, the gang is all
there wearing 1930's clothing.]
Rachel: I wonder what's wrong with Phoebe?
Chandler: I know its like she saw a ghost.
Phoebe: (wakes up) Ohh no! It's happening again! (falls back asleep)
Joey: That girl is really wierd.
All: I know.
So write me if you liked it, write me if you didn't, I just want to know either way okay? Thank you. Niki.