Written by: Sky
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment
[Opening scene: coffeehouse. The group are just sat. Ross is on his mobile phone.]
Ross: I can't believe this! (Pause) What? (Pause) Tell her to go back. I'm not interested! (Pause) Bye, then. (Turns off his phone)
Monica: What now?
Ross: Emily's trying to see me.
Chandler: She's not gonna try marrying you again, is she?
Rachel: We all know what happened last time you attempted that.
(The gang laughs)
Ross: It's not funny at all! It almost feels like she's stalking me.
Joey: Oh my. (Joey saucily thumbs up)
[Scene 1: Monica and Chandler's. Joey and phoebe are at the table, Phoebe's with her guitar. Monica is chopping tomatoes at the counter. Rachel is sat reading a book on the couch.]
Monica: Man, I feel sorry for Ross.
Phoebe: Pity me, I lost my mom. That's worse than a stalking Brit.
Joey: Yeah, but you didn't marry three times did you?
Rachel: Just think, he's probably gonna need a restraining order.
Joey: From marrying or from Emily??
(Knock on the door. Monica wipes her hands and answers. It's Emily and a middle-aged fella)
Emily: Hi, is Ross there?
Joey: Oh my!
Monica: No, but come in and sit.
Phoebe: Emily! (Emily turns and faces Phoebe) I've written a welcome song.
Emily: Let me hear.
(Phoebe starts playing)
Phoebe: (Singing) One day you were just a friend/who needed a friend to go to the opera/You found a bloke, you went to Vermont for a joke/and in that room you lost your bra! (She stops, Emily shocked)
Emily: Okay, then. (Looks around, everyone stares as if she has something to say) You go! What has been going on since we last saw you?
Rachel: We? What do you mean by we?
Emily: Oh yeah, this is my husband. (She hugs the middle-aged man) He's called Steve. Steve McFadden. He's from Eastenders. It's like this huge soap opera back home and it has half the country watching every edition!
Steve: I play Phil Mitchell.
Emily: Lisa shot him!
Phoebe: How did you manage to stay alive?
Monica: Pheebs, they use fake guns in television shows.
Steve: I also got to snatch Lisa's baby on Christmas Day's edition.
Monica: You crazy Brits watch TV on Christmas Day!?
Emily: Of course, it's a grand tradition.
(Chandler and Ross enter, clutching tennis rackets)
Chandler: I tell you, I can beat Andre Agassi at his own game.
Ross: Yeah, like that's gonna (Notices Emily) Emily! Nice to see you again. (Looks surprised when he notices Steve) Why, what, who?
Steve: Husband number two. (He shakes Ross' hand. Ross, surprised by this, squirms)
Emily: I'm married again Ross, and I want you to know that I'm here to tell you something.
Emily: You got me pregnant and I have a little girl called Monica.
Monica: What??? You have a kid called Monica? Cooool!
Steve: And I'm here, to kick the father's arse!
Ross: When you say arse, do you mean (Turns around and points to his bum) here?
(Cut to outside M&C's. You hear a punch being thrown and Ross squealing like a pig)
[Scene: central perk. Ross has a black eye.]
Ross: I cannot believe I have a little girl. I can't even remember the sex in the relationship I had with Emily.
Rachel: Well, you got me pregnant, and I have a little child...You do the math Ross, you seem to always forget something.
Ross: Like what?
Phoebe: To spiritually cleanse your soul beforehand?
Joey: Or, you forget that your little soldier is indeed a peasant.
Monica: Shut up! I know what my bro's little buddy is like.
Chandler: Oh really?
Joey: Oh my!
(Steve McFadden walks in)
Ross: Hide me, quick, quick!!
(Rachel pushes him down as Steve walks to the counter)
Ross: (Muffled) Has he gone yet???
Monica: Not a minute sooner.
(Steve gets his coffee and comes over to the gang)
Phoebe: How do you feel after kicking Ross's ass?
Steve: Emily got up and left me. She said in her eyes, violence doesn't solve all problems. (Crying) And she's gone, gone forever!
(Ross gets up)
Ross: I have to go and see her!
Ross: I still love Emily.
Joey: Here comes another ass-whupping...
Steve: Go get her, I'll never do it...
(He runs out the coffeehouse)
[Scene: the airport. Emily is in the departure lounge when Ross arrives.]
Emily: Ross, what, why, how?
Ross: I still love you and I wanna come to live with you and Monica.
Emily: Ross, you shouldn't...
Ross: I should! You dumped the tough cookie, and let's face it, everyone loves me...Right?
Emily: Round about... (They kiss)
Tannoy: Flight 456 to London, this is the final call.
Ross: Let's go...
(They walk arm in arm and board the plane)
[Closing scene: M&C's. Monica gets a phone call.]
Ross: Monica, this is Monica.
Little Monica: Hi Monica.