TOW Ross’s Wedding, Part III

Created by: Chris Freestone

Please e-mail me with suggestions and praise, or insults! Just E-mail, okay!

Authors Note:

Here’s my version of what I see should be the first episode of series 5 should be. Of course it won’t be. But I wouldn’t mind seeing this. The reason I’m writing this is mainly due to boredom, and partly due to the other fanfics I’ve been reading. I loved the end of Series four (I definitely didn’t see THAT coming) and I can’t wait for series 5, but the other fanfics seem to settle everything in three scenes, about 10 minutes of material at most, sort of like.....

"I love you Ross!"
"I love you too Rachel!"
"I love you Chandler!"
"I love you Monica!"
"I love you Phoebe!"
"I love you Joey"
(Goodnight JohnBoy)

Big hug etc etc etc. Sort of a cross between Friends and the Teletubbies! I wanted something a little more meaty to get my teeth into, so I decided to write it, and here it is in all it’s glory!

(BTW, I’m not knocking the other fanfics, there are some great ones out there! And I do have to admit taking a few jokes from some of them that I laughed at which I’m gonna give full credit and links to, so u can read them yourself!)

I have to explain one other thing about this script. Namely Raymond. He’s an extra Character I threw into the melting pot, and I know someone will moan about him, but I put him in for three main reasons. You should really read the script first, so if ya don’t wanna know what happens, scroll past this bit now, and go to where it says ‘Start of Script’.

Right, Raymond came about during a conversation with my friend and fellow fan Karl De’Ath, who I will also credit as co-writer of this piece. We were talking about the start of series 5, and how it would be interesting to write in a London Coffee house, like Central Perk (Hyde Perk maybe?). In there, there could be English versions of the Friends Characters, each just like the real friends, but quintessentially English too. Raymond was the English version of Chandler, with more of an English ‘Everything’s against me’ cynicism about him. I was gonna play on the ‘Raymond’ ‘Chandler’ joke. When I came to write this later, I toyed with the Idea of including him in it in a small way, but became a big part for three reasons:

  1. Logistics:
  2. In this script, Just after the Incident, I had Monica and Chandler talking with Rachel, Joey with Felicity, Ross disappearing off with Emily. Monica and Chandler disappear off together, leaving Rachel alone. Joey’s still infatuated with Felicity. Who’s gonna chat with Rachel? So I drag out Raymond!

    Also, when Chandler asks someone for advice on Monica, the only person who he normally goes to for advice IS Monica! He doesn’t want the others to know. Feasibly the only one he can turn to is Raymond. But who turns to a perfect stranger for advice? Therefore I wrote Raymond as part of Chandler’s company, who Chandler knew over the e-mail and had been invited to the wedding as a cousin of Emily, not knowing Chandler was going to be there. (I know it’s far fetched, but Phoebe’s having her brother’s triplets, so as far as I’m concerned this is perfectly okay!)

  3. Lack of Characters:
  4. With Ross off somewhere with Emily, Joey with Felicity, and Phoebe 3,000 miles away, that left a drought of characters in places. Throwing in Raymond means there is another character, making up the whole six to carry the episode.

  5. The Ending

I need someone on the inside for the ending to this episode, but I wouldn’t spoil it by telling you what happens here, but believe me, it’s a shocker, and it would change the whole course of the series!

 

Okay, so that’s out the way. Once I’ve finished this episode fully (add a few more jokes. It’s a bit spartan on the giggles per minute front) I’m going to write more episodes, maybe even a whole little series to myself! I really do enjoy writing these episodes, and I will continue to write them in order from this one. Anyone with any Ideas for episodes is more than welcome to e-mail me with suggestions. Also, anyone who wishes to use my writing as a basis for another fanfic, then as long as I get appropriate credit, and a link to my site (and I wouldn’t say no to Huge Amounts of Royalties made from it wouldn’t go amiss!). You never know. If Marta Kauffman and David Crane are bored one day, looking about on the ‘net, and suddenly stumble over my scripts, and see that raw hidden talent I knew I had for something!

I’d like to thank David Crane and Marta Kauffman for writing such brilliant characters, and Jennifer Aniston, Courtney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer for creating six of the most likable characters to write for!

Finally, I’d like to thank everyone I know, everyone I have known, everyone I will know.

 

Start of Script

Teaser – At the Wedding

(Fade into the last scene of series 4, just before the Incident)

ROSS:

I Ross, take thee Rachel.......uhh, Emily, Emily.

(Everyone looks shocked, stunned, cutting to shots of Emily’s and Rachel’s face)

CHAPLAIN:

Shall I go on?

(Emily looks confused and panicky.)

EMILY:

I don’t know, I don’t........I’ve just got to.......ummm, got to..........

(Emily runs out of the altar, Ross goes after her)

ROSS:

Emily, wait!

(Ross manages to trip off the altar, flying over the small balcony)

ROSS:

Ouch!

(Couple of seconds of stunned silence, shots of all of the friends faces individually, and back to a group shot, all of a sudden you see Joey pick up the phone and say to Phoebe)

JOEY:

Ross just said Rachel instead of Emily. Is this supposed to happen?

(Opening credits)

Scene I – At the Wedding

(Cut back to a shot of the chapel, now everyone is mingling in a stunned state. Rachel still looks shell-shocked, Chandler staring into space with that ‘Oh my God, it’s all gone bad’ look, Monica is getting the usual niggling from her parents, and Joey’s on the pull with Felicity. We see the mobile sitting on the altar, and voiced over we hear Phoebe)

PHOEBE: (V.O.)

Hello? Hello?? You guys, what’s going on? YOU GUYS?? Right I’m gonna kick all your asses!!

(Cut to Chandler, now standing with Rachel and Monica, Rachel still sitting down, Monica standing up)

CHANDLER:

Oh my God! Oh.....My......God!! What are we going to do? (To Rachel) What are you going to do?? Oh......My.....God!

RACHEL: (Suddenly getting very flustered, fanning her face)

Oh, this wasn’t s’posed to happen!! Not like this! I was gonna get here, the wedding would be off, I didn’t want this! Monica, is everyone staring at me?

MONICA: (Suddenly looking uncomfortable..)

No, not everybody......... umm Joey isn’t!

(Cut to shot of Rachel’s P.O.V., Joey chatting up Felicity, but you can see a few people in the foreground staring at her)

RACHEL:

Chandler, quick, do something funny, take the heat off me.

CHANDLER:

I’d like to be able to help, but since my powers are useless here....

(Monica gives Chandler a little hug)

RACHEL:

I have to go talk to Ross, I have to explain.....

MONICA:

Now isn’t the best time Rachel, you don’t ever pick the best times.

RACHEL:

How can I help how I feel? It’s not my fault I can’t get my mind off of Ross? I have to talk with him now.

(Rachel goes to get up, Monica holds Rachel back down in her chair)

MONICA:

NO! He has to sort out this with Emily first, he is still marrying her, and he doesn’t need the confusion....

CHANDLER:

I know. Two beautiful women vying for my affections on my wedding day. I hope that doesn’t happen to ME!

(Monica shoots Chandler a look)

RACHEL:

I miss him Mon. (Start, to get upset) I miss him so much.....

(Monica gives Rachel a hug, and Chandler holds her shoulder)

MONICA:

I know you do, and I always thought you’d get together again.....

(Rachel is weeping, and Chandler hands the hanky from his tux, and Monica and Chandler walk away from Rachel, to have a private discussion by the altar. Unfortunately, if u remember, the mobile is by the altar, exactly under where they are speaking. A shot of the camera panning down from Monica and Chandler’s face onto the mobile ...... Phoebe can hear everything Monica and Chandler say! In short Uh-oh!)

(Cut to a shot of Phoebe in the Girl’s flat, sitting with the phone to her ear, listening in)

PHOEBE:

Ooh! It’s Chandler and Monica!

(She’s about to shout out, but then becomes interested in what she’s hearing)

CHANDLER:

About last night....

MONICA:

What about last night?

CHANDLER:

I didn’t mean to make it sound like a mistake.......I mean, it was a mistake, but it was a good mis......I mean, it wasn’t a mistake ..... I’m going to make again, but,....I mean I would make it ...... again but I don’t...... Is it me or am I breathing too loud?

MONICA:

I know, I didn’t mean to do it either, but we did, so.......

CHANDLER:

So ..... what? Where do we go from here?

MONICA:

I don’t know! I ..... Just don’t know anymore. I don’t even know how it happened? One minute we were comforting each other on our crappy lives, next minute we were having sex!

(Cut to shot of Phoebe in apartment, just a cut shot of Phoebe’s face when she hears on the phone what Monica just said, Jaw dropping stuff. Cut back to Monica and Chandler)

CHANDLER:

I know, and ..... and it was wonderful Mon. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone before. I felt..... I felt we CONNECTED!

(Monica brushes a hand across Chandler’s chest, resisting the urge to hug him)

MONICA:

I know! I know! It was fabulous. (Knowing Look) Believe me, it was fabulous! (Chandler smiles feeling a little proud of himself) But....

CHANDLER:

No,no,no,no,no. No buts, no buts, just leave it there.

MONICA:

But..... (Chandler looks crestfallen) .... your Chandler. Your like my best friend, my closest friend. I don’t think I could handle it, it would be too .......

CHANDLER:

..... Incredible, Sexy, Passionate, Overwhelming?

MONICA:

.....weird! I’m sorry I can’t really see you that way Chandler .... I’m so sorry.

(Chandler and Monica tightly, for a few seconds, then Chandler kisses Monica on the head lightly, then by the looks on their faces you can see they are having second thoughts)

CHANDLER:

Erm, we don’t have to stop straight away do we?

MONICA:

Erm, no not straight away, I mean, we could, make one ...... last ..... mistake .....

CHANDLER:

(Stops hugging Monica), Ok meet you in your room in 5 minutes.

MONICA:

(Monica gets out her keys and throws them to Chandler) Count on it!

(Chandler pauses for a second, and runs out of the room like a madman, with a huge smile on his face)

(Cut to shot of Phoebe, taking the phone from her ear, look of complete shock on her face)

PHOEBE:

Oh my God!! This is too HUGE!!

Scene II – Still at the Reception

(Cut to Rachel, now sitting alone on the same chair she was sitting on at the wedding, just staring into space. Suddenly she realizes that Chandler and Monica are not there. Seeing Joey busy with Felicity, she sneaks out of her seat, and across the reception to out the back where Ross and Emily are. She obviously can’t resist seeing Ross. She sneaks out the back, and looks into a window to Where Ross and Emily are. They are hugging each other tightly. Rachel is Heartbroken. She turns round, visibly upset, and slides down the door and out of shot.)

(Cut to a scene in the reception hall, Rachel walking back to her seat, crest-fallen. Head down, not looking around, in her own little world. She doesn’t notice all the staring and bitching that all the people are doing, and she sits down, about to cry. She looks very dejected and very alone. The camera pulls into a shot of just her face, when someone addresses her.)

RAYMOND:

Are you okay?

(Rachel looks up. It’s one of the guests, a young man dressed in a smart suit, holding out a hanky for her. He looks smart but he’s undone his tie and top button.)

RACHEL:

No, Life Sucks! Just lost the one true love of my life, all my friends seem to have disappeared, and now I’m probably the most hated woman in this room.

RAYMOND:

That’s not true!

RACHEL:

Isn’t it?

RAYMOND:

Well, actually it is. I was trying to make you feel better.

(Rachel seems to reach a new low, she hangs her head further)

RACHEL:

Ugh! It wasn’t s’posed to end up like this, I thought I’d get here in time, tell him I loved him, he’d hold me close, and we’d just disappear off together, I thought it would be that easy! I didn’t want this, to be rejected, alone, and shunned by almost everyone in England.

RAYMOND:

Don’t worry about them, there like all Brits, if there’s no-one in a room to hate, then they’ll pick on the one with the funny accent! May I sit down?

RACHEL:

Go ahead, if you can stand being seen with an outcast.

(Raymond sits down next to Rachel, and hands her a glass of wine)

RACHEL:

Thanks.

RAYMOND:

S’ok, looked like you needed it.

RACHEL:

Look, there all staring at me. Do they all really hate me?

RAYMOND:

The women do. The blokes are mainly staring at your breasts.

RACHEL:

Do the women like ANYTHING about me?

RAYMOND:

They like your hair.

RACHEL:

What were you staring at then?

RAYMOND:

I don’t want to answer! Would you believe me if I said you hair?

RACHEL:

No.

RAYMOND:

Oh .....

RACHEL:

But you can’t blame them for hating me! I ruined the wedding!

RAYMOND:

Ruined it? We’re sitting on a building site, dressed in fairy lights, sitting around with England’s most pompous Citizens. To be perfectly honest you’ve made it alot more fun for me.

RACHEL:

I’m glad in my small little way I’ve entertained you! I’m sorry, didn’t mean to snap, what’s your name again?

RAYMOND:

Raymond. Cousin of the Bride. I wouldn’t be here, but I had a hangover when they invited me and I couldn’t think of a good excuse not to be here. Your Rachel right.

RACHEL:

Good. You were obviously listening! (Rachel looks around) God, look at them, their all standing round, whispering about me. I can’t take much more of this!

RAYMOND:

Don’t be intimidated! These people are far from perfect! I’m related to most of them, I know all their nasty little secrets! Take Mrs. Bridge over there.

RACHEL:

Who’s she?

RAYMOND:

The one over there that looks like she’s been embalmed. In the bright pink hat and vomit yellow two piece. She’s very prim, very proper, head of the local church fete committee and rotary club. She also likes a drink, and was found one morning outside a train station stark naked with a bottle of drain cleaner! She’s got no hair by the way, that’s a wig, really she’s bald as a coot! Or that one there, Mrs. Peters. She’s the wife of the local vicar, and the nursery school teacher. (Cut to a very prim, proper woman). She also likes a bit of rough trade, and spends many an evening in truck stops looking for action! She’s thinking of leaving her husband too, because she keeps finding him borrowing her dresses!

(Rachel laughs at the thought...)

RAYMOND:

There, it’s not so bad is it?

RACHEL:

Yes it is, I’m going to lose him, I know it. He’s going to pick Emily, I’ll be left alone, and all because I couldn’t admit how I was feeling. I’ve got to talk to him.....

RAYMOND:

Won’t help. The balls in his court now. You are obviously in his thoughts, I mean, if there’s one time you concentrate on getting someone’s name right, it’s your wedding day! He’s got to decide now. If you rush in with ultimatums, he might pick Emily out of spite, and he’ll hate you for trying to drive them apart! It’s not worth it ...... where have all your mates gone, by the way?

RACHEL:

Well, Ross is with Emily, Joey’s over there with Felicity.....

(Cut to shot of Joey and Felicity canoodling)

RAYMOND:

Felicity? You mean Bridesmaid Felicity? Oh dear..... How old is Joey?

RACHEL:

Twenty – Eight, why?

RAYMOND:

Oh dear!!

RACHEL:

Why? What’s Wrong??

(Raymond leans over to Rachel, and whispers something into Rachel’s ear. Suddenly Rachel pulls away with shock, jaw dropped, it’s obviously pretty bad. Rachel begins to shake her head in disbelief, mouthing No. Raymond nods head slowly. Rachel whispers into Raymond’s ear, as if to say ‘Are you sure?’. Raymond nods again, and motions with his fingers, and his mouth ‘ 1 ..... 5 ‘. Rachel covers her mouth in shock.)

RACHEL:

But he .........

(Raymond suddenly turns round shaking his head, mouthing ‘No’, and Rachel Nods slowly)

RAYMOND:

Oh Dear!!! Hope her Dad don’t find out!

RACHEL:

Why? Which one’s her Dad?

RAYMOND:

The one over there bench pressing the altar!

(Rachel is shocked and covers her mouth again)

RAYMOND:

Well, apart from Joey and Lolita over there, where are the others? They disappeared ages ago.

RACHEL:

I dunno, Monica and Chandler have been disappearing alot since I got here.

(Raymond suddenly turns round, in recognition)

RAYMOND:

Chandler, as in ‘Bing’ Chandler?

RACHEL:

Erm,...... well yeah, but there may be two, you can’t possibly know him.....

RAYMOND:

Bing. Chandler Bing, works in Data processing. Strange around women, uses humor as a defense mechanism, lives with an over-sexed Italian actor called....... (Raymond turns round to look at Joey, still with Felicity. Cuts back to Raymond, who points and says) ..... Joey?

RACHEL:

Yah, you know him!

RAYMOND:

He said he was coming over for a wedding, I didn’t know he meant the SAME ONE!

RACHEL:

How do you know him?

RAYMOND:

Over e-mail mainly. I work in the UK division of his company. We once spent 3 weeks e-mailing each other having a huge disagreement over Which one was the sexiest Spice Girl....

RACHEL:

Emailing each-other? Doesn’t anyone ever work at your company?

RAYMOND:

Well, you know how it is ...... you’re bored, you’re waiting for the WENUS .....

RACHEL:

But he never told us about you .....

RAYMOND:

So? Name one person who works with Chandler!

RACHEL:

Well, there’s ............................... Okay you win!

RAYMOND:

I’m not surprised I s’pose. How long did it take you to find out he had three nipples?

RACHEL:

Hmmmmm, true!

(Cut to a sudden realization from Raymond)

RAYMOND:

That makes you Rachel Green then. God, I’m honored!

(Rachel turns round interested)

RACHEL:

Oh, why’s that??

RAYMOND:

Well, it’s a long story.....

(Rachel’s even more interested, grabbing his knee to shake it out of him)

RACHEL:

No! Come on! Tell.....

RAYMOND:

Well, you’re kind of a legend in our company, everyone knows about the mysterious woman Rachel Green. Remember when Chandler was looking for a date for you?

RACHEL:

(Interrupts) Can’t Forget That!

RAYMOND:

Right, well, he scanned a picture of you into his computer and e-mailed it to a few prospective men in the NY Office. Well the picture has kind of (motions with hands) ..... spread. You know, one friend mailed to another, it’s pretty much gone all over the globe now. Pictures of you are on wallpapers and hard disks all over the world. The New York Office got about 75 requests by blokes to relocate there. I know for a fact people in the Paris office now judge women by the Green index....

RACHEL:

(Interrupting again) I didn’t need to know that.....

RAYMOND:

No you didn’t. I think there’s even a shrine to you in the Tokyo office! You even have your own website!

(Rachel gives Raymond a hug for making her feel better)

RACHEL:

Oh your good! Thanx for making me feel alot better.

RAYMOND:

S’ok, I should be thanking you....

RACHEL:

Why?

RAYMOND:

I’ve met Rachel Green, I never have to buy my own lunch ever again!

(Ross walks into shot, obviously a little shocked to see Rachel hugging a strange bloke.)

ROSS:

Umm, Rachel, can I talk to you?

(Raymond motions to Rachel, as if to say ‘Go on’, and Rachel stands up and walks off with Ross to have a private chat. The camera pans across them, and onto Felicity and Joey. Joey and Felicity are canoodling, blissfully unaware.)

JOEY:

Hang on Felicity, just gotta (kiss) do (kiss) something (kiss)

FELICITY:

Ok, don’t be long, sexy!

JOEY:

Okay (As he turns away he pulls an exciting happy face, rubbing his hands. Joey walks over to the mobile and picks it up) Hey, Pheebs, Phoebes? Hello??

(There’s a voice over of Phoebe snoring lightly, and then a cut to see her asleep on the sofa, phone still on her ear.)

JOEY:

Shhhhh, okay, sleep tight Phoebe, bye (Joey hangs up the Mobile) Hey Felicity, How you doin’?

Scene III – Private Room

(Cut to a small Private room, the same room that Emily and Ross were in earlier, and now Ross and Rachel are in there, Rachel is led in, and Ross closes the door behind them. They both try and talk over each other for a few seconds, they try again, and again. Until Ross lets Rachel talk first.)

RACHEL:

Look, I’m sorry about your wedding Ross, I didn’t mean to..... I wouldn’t have come if ..... I just had to tell you that .....

ROSS:

That you wish me luck, is that what you came to say?? (Ross sounds angry, he’s got a mad look in his eye. This isn’t the conversation Rachel was hoping for)

RACHEL:

No, I came to say..... came to say ...... I love you!

(Cut to Ross’s face, a mixture of shock, and relief. Complete silence for a few seconds, shots of both their faces)

ROSS:

Rachel ..... I love you too (Rachel gets all excited, and starts going all squeaky, saying how great it is and how happy she is. She goes to hug Ross, but Ross flinches away.) But, (she stops dead) I’m not in love with you anymore.

(Silence, shock, horror!)

RACHEL:

What? Wha ... wha .... what??

ROSS:

I don’t think I’m in love with you any more Rachel.

(Fade Out – Fade In)

RACHEL:

What do ya mean you don’t love me anymore. What about what happened up there (pointing at the altar). I know you love me too, stop fighting it. We’re s’posed to be together!

ROSS:

No, no Rachel! You always do this, you did this with Julie, you did this with Bonnie, now your doing it with Emily. You don’t want me, you just don’t want anyone else to have me, YOU JUST DON’T WANT ME TO BE HAPPY!

RACHEL:

THAT’S A LIE!

(They both really begin to shout now)

ROSS:

WHAT! Any time I’ve reached just a tiny little piece of happiness since we’ve been out, you’ve manipulated me into coming back to you! You’ve lied, begged and cheated me, and when like a fool I did come back, you’ve demanded so much and set out your own little set of Rachel Rules, and for some reason I have to play along!!

RACHEL:

That’s not true!! I love you, and I can’t stand by and see you marry another woman.....

ROSS:

WHY NOT! You said it was over between us, you said you were happy for me. Now you turn up saying you love me and you want me to drop my life again and come running back to you? No Rachel, not this time!

RACHEL:

What about Carol? How did you feel when Carol left you for Susan. How did you feel when they got married. The woman you were married to for 4 years suddenly she didn’t want you, and she Married Susan instead. HOW DID THAT FEEL!

ROSS:

(Slightly Ashamed) I felt terrible.....

RACHEL:

Yes, Terrible. How do you think it is for me to sit by and see the one man I’ve ever truly loved in my entire life go off and marry someone else? How do you think I feel when I have to sit and smile politely whenever you and Emily are in the room, telling you how wonderful I think it is? How do you think I feel when I see the only man I trust kissing another woman. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL!!

ROSS;

(Begins to weaken, but then strengthens up again) No Rachel, not again! We can sit there and want each other until the day we die, but we can’t be together and make each other sooooo unhappy either!

RACHEL:

We weren’t unhappy together!

ROSS:

We were! We always were! We managed to find some way of making each other suffer. You don’t want me!

RACHEL:

I do!!

ROSS:

No, Rachel, you don’t! You want me there when you’ve had a hard day at work! You want me there to listen to how bad your boyfriends are. You want me there when someone has been mean to you. You only want me there to listen to your problems!! Make YOU feel better!

RACHEL:

No! I want you there because your the one man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and excuse me if I say, it’s not all my fault it didn’t work out! What about you, you spend most of your life fantasizing about me, and do nothing about it, and then you finally get me, and at the first sign of trouble you go sleep with someone else!

ROSS:

WE ..... WERE ..... ON ..... A ..... BREAK!!!

RACHEL:

Yes! Yes we were, and how did you think it made me feel when you did that? I thought we’d spend a couple of days apart, and start again. But you sleep with that woman THREE HOURS after we break up. THREE HOURS ROSS! You got over me after three hours. That’s pretty tough to get over. You spend weeks accusing me of sleeping with Mark, and then you swan off and boff that Xerox Girl! Do you know how stupid that made me feel. You don’t take responsibility Ross. You just thought I’d fall into your arms all those years, and we finally start to make something great, Ross, and it was really great, but you find someone else to blame when it isn’t going your way. You sleep with someone else and yet it’s MY fault?? For once Ross, take responsibility, take what YOU want. (Rachel sees Ross remove something from his pocket) What’s that?

ROSS:

I am taking responsibility Rachel. I know what we had was great, but I’ve moved on. I wish I thought you came here to wish me luck in my new life Rachel, but you didn’t, you came here to confuse me, and break me and Emily up. Emily and me are going through with this marriage, tomorrow, and ..... (Ross begins to choke on his words) ...... and ..... and I don’t want you to be here when I do.

(Shock Horror!!)

(Ross hands Rachel a envelope)

RACHEL:

(with disbelief) What??

ROSS:

In here is a ticket home Rachel. I’ve bought you a ticket back to the US. If you can’t be happy for me, I don’t want you at the wedding. I’ll remember you for the rest of my life, but I want to be with Emily now. I’m sorry.

(Rachel wells up, and runs out of the room, crying, holding the envelope. Ross sees her run out, falls back onto a chair, and breaks down in tears too. Slow fade out)

Scene IV

(Fade up, in time to see Rachel sprint out of the Reception, crying wildly)

RAYMOND:

Rachel, Wait!

(Raymond runs after her)

(Cut to scene in a corridor, Rachel is sitting there sobbing in the corner, when Raymond comes rushing in)

RAYMOND:

Rachel, what’s wrong? What happened?

RACHEL:

He’s sending me home!! SENDING ME HOME! He’s bought me a ticket, and basically said he doesn’t want me anymore! (Continues crying wildly)

(Raymond sits down next to her in the corridor. Puts an arm around her to comfort her)

RAYMOND:

Shhhhhh. It’s ok, It’s ok.

RACHEL:

No! No it’s not! I’ve lost him, for good now, he doesn’t want to see me ever again. Ever Again! That’s a long time!

RAYMOND:

It’s alright, he’s angry, and he doesn’t know why, he’s just looking for a target. Come on, lets go see your friend Monica. You know where she’s staying?

(Cut to Raymond with his arm round Rachel ushering her out.

SCENE V -

(Cut to an outside shot of the hotel, Monica’s hotel. Chandler and Monica are in Bed)

CHANDLER:

Now that was good.

MONICA:

Oh Yeah! That was good!

CHANDLER:

Do you think we could stay like this? Close friends who sleep together occasionally? Okay, frequently then!

MONICA:

Sounds a good idea, but we can’t.....

CHANDLER:

Why not? It’s the best form of exercise, we’re just helping each other stay trim, keep our bodies in tip-top shape!

MONICA:

(Laughs) Yeah, it’s just our own little form of circuit training!

CHANDLER:

Yeah ..... fancy another run around the block?

MONICA:

I’d love to, but I can’t Chandler, I should go and see how Rachel is doing. I’ve been feeling guilty for leaving her there, she’ll be there on her own. (Monica goes to get up, Chandler pulls her back down again.

CHANDLER:

Oh, no no no no no! Please stay Monica, just a little while longer, just a little bit more. Let me hold you for at least a few more minutes. This is the longest I’ve ever stayed in bed with a woman that I didn’t have to pay for!

(Monica looks a little disgusted)

CHANDLER:
And your still the most beautiful woman I know that didn’t have staples in her stomach!

(Monica blushes a little, at Chandler’s attempted compliment.)

CHANDLER:

Fancy a little ....... (Chandler holds up seven fingers)

MONICA:

(Breaking into a smile) Ohhhhh, okay then!

(Chandler’s head dives under the covers, and Monica drapes the duvet over them)

Scene VI – Outside Monica’s Hotel Room

(Cut to a shot of outside Monica’s hotel room door. You can hear Monica’s hyper giggling coming from the door. Suddenly, Joey comes into shot and knocks on the door)

JOEY:

Hey Monica you in there??

Scene VII – Inside Monica’s Hotel Room

(Cut to Monica’s head shooting up from underneath the sheets, panic in her face)

MONICA:

(Calls to Joey) Just a minute! (To Chandler) Oh my God, it’s Joey! Quick Chandler, hide somewhere!

(Chandler jumps out of bed, in his boxers, looking around, jumping about like a mad thing, looking for somewhere to hide)

CHANDLER:

Where, where? (Grabs Monica by the arms) Hey I have a question ...... WHERE!

MONICA:

Emmm .... (Monica looks about too, thinking) .... I got it. On the balcony!!

(Chandler runs to the window, pulling the curtains open, and seeing window cleaners at the window in their cradle. Cut to a shot from outside on the cradle. Chandler stops dead. Looks at the window cleaners, smiles.)

CHANDLER:

Afternoon

CLEANER 1:

Afternoon

(Chandler closes the curtains, and turns to Monica in a panic)

CHANDLER:

You haven’t got a balcony!!

MONICA:

I KNOW!!

(All this time, there’s been knocking at the door, Joey wanting to be let in)

JOEY:

Come on Monica, it’s important!!

MONICA:

(To Chandler) Quick, under the covers!!

CHANDLER:

That’s the stupidest......

MONICA:

(Interrupting) NOW!!

(Chandler doesn’t argue, and dives under the covers. Monica pulls the sheets over him, as Chandler lies as flat as he can. It still looks really obvious. Monica sees the suitcase full of neat clothes on the side, and quickly thinks, and empties the clothes all over the bed, hiding Chandler as well as could be expected, She then slams the suitcase onto the bed)

CHANDLER:

Ow!!

MONICA:

Sorry Chandler!

(Monica then goes to open the door, realizing she’s in a little silk nightie. She can’t open the door like this! She begins to root around the clothes on the bed for a dressing gown. Joey knocks again)

JOEY:
Monica I really need to pee!!

(Monica gives up looking, and just goes over and opens the door, in her little silk Nightie, trying to make herself look composed)

(Cut to a shot from outside the door with Joey, as he sees Monica open the door in her tiny little nightie, Joey can’t help staring at her breasts, nodding with a huge grin on his face)

JOEY:

Hey!!!!

(Monica sees this and folds her arms, covering them. But Joey’s completely lost his train of thought, still staring in that direction for a few seconds)

MONICA:

Joey!

(Joey snaps out of it, and begins saying what he came there for)

JOEY:

Oh, er.... Just wondering where you were Mon, didn’t see you about at the reception, can I come in?

MONICA:

Erm, well.......

(without hearing what Monica says, Joey walks in)

JOEY:

Thanks. Can I go to the Bathroom.

MONICA:

Sure.

(Joey wanders off into the room. From inside the bathroom, he’s still talking to Monica.)

JOEY:

(V.O.) Well, phew, that was a bit of a turn up at the wedding eh ....

MONICA:

Joey?

JOEY:

(V.O.) What?

MONICA:

Can you not talk to me while you pee?

JOEY:

(V.O.) Oh sorry!

(Chandler’s head appears from under some clothes)

CHANDLER:

Can I come out now?

(Monica says nothing and just leans on Chandler’s head, pushing him back under the covers)

CHANDLER:

Hey! Careful!

(Joey hears what Chandler said)

JOEY:

(V.O.) What did you say Mon?

MONICA:

Nothing! (Hitting Chandler’s head as she says it)

(Joey comes back out of the toilet, just finishing doing up his flies, and sees the mess all over Monica’s bed)

JOEY:

What ya doin’?

MONICA:

(Looks at the mess, and takes a couple of moments to think of a good reply) Erm, packing.

JOEY:

Packing?

MONICA:

(Talking a little too fast, sounding like she’s hiding something) Er Yeah. That’s right. I mean there isn’t going to be a wedding, Thought I’d beat the rush!

JOEY:

That’s what I came here to say Mon! Looks like the wedding’s still on! Ross and Emily are making an speech later, saying what happened and what there gonna do now (Joey moves round and sits on the edge of the bed. Chandler squeals as Joey sits on part of his body)

CHANDLER:

Yarghh!

JOEY:

(Joey looks round suddenly) What was that?

MONICA:

(Thinking quickly) Errr, the radio, (quickly leans across to the alarm clock and pretends to turn it off)

JOEY:

(Getting up and moving to the Window) Do you mind if I open a window, it’s a bit stuffy in here.

MONICA:

Err ...

(Joey does it anyway, and draws the curtains. The window cleaners are still there, there staring intently, looking at Monica as if to say "Two men in as many minutes!" Monica walks up to the window, does the Ross finger to the window cleaners, which shocks them, and she draws the curtains again, as the cleaners winch themselves down. Monica didn’t see what Joey was doing, and is now lying on Monica’s bed, trying to get comfortable, bouncing up and down slightly and wriggling. Chandler must be in agony!)

JOEY:

Hey Mon, your bed’s really lumpy, I’d complain!

MONICA:

Joey, can you get off there? You’ll ruin my system!

(Joey looks down on the obvious mess on the bed)

JOEY:

What system? D’you wanna hand Mon?

(Joey begins to pick up clothes off the bed. Monica panics for a sec, and then knows how to get Joey’s attention. She looks out of the window...)

MONICA:

Look Joey! A British policeman!

JOEY:

Where?! (Joey get all excited and runs to the window)

MONICA:

Over there! (Monica opens the window, and as Joey hangs his head out, Monica leans back and gets Chandlers attention. Knowing what she means, Chandler crawls out from under the bed, and begins to head for the bathroom. Joey looks back into the apartment to say something to Monica. Chandler dives behind the bed quickly to hide.)

JOEY:

Hey Mon, look! He’s running after that mugger!

MONICA:

(Faking Excitement) Oooh, where!

(Joey looks back out the window, and that gives Chandler the chance to slip out of the room into the bathroom)

JOEY:

(Coming in from hanging out of the window, disappointed) Awwwww! They ran round the corner!

Mon, are you coming to see Ross and Emily?

MONICA:

Joey (motioning to how she’s dressed), Not like this! Tell you what, I’ll meet you all down there in half an hour.

JOEY:

(Walking to the door) Oh, and have you seen Chandler?

MONICA:

(Answering a little too fast) No! No, no no No! I haven’t seen him, why should I have seen him?

JOEY:

Okay, I’ll see you later Mon, bye, (Walking out of the door)

(Monica shuts the door and leans on it. Sighing deeply with relief, mouthing "Thank God!". Remembering what Joey was doing, she runs to the Bathroom, just as Chandler stumbles out)

MONICA:

Are you alright Chandler?

CHANDLER:

Ow, ooh , ouch, ouch. I think I’ve broken ... EVERYTHING!!

(Monica runs up to Chandler and kisses him deeply)

MONICA:

Mmmmmmm poor Chandler!

(Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. Monica and Chandler both jump. Monica pushes Chandler back into the bathroom, despite his protests, you hear Chandler trip and fall.)

CHANDLER:

Owww!

(Monica rushes over to the door, and opens it quickly. It’s Raymond and Rachel. Rachel is crying, and Raymond is shepherding her into the room.)

MONICA:

Rachel? What’s wrong? What happened?

RAYMOND:

I dunno, Ross asked her for a chat, and she came out balling her eyes out. I thought I’d better bring her to her friends.

MONICA:

Thank you...... What’s your name?

RACHEL:

(In a high pitch squeaky voice) Ray .... Mond!

MONICA:

Thanks Raymond! You’re a gentleman.

RAYMOND:

S’ok. Do you mind if I stick about to see if everything’s alright?

RACHEL:

(Still Squeaky) O...K...

MONICA:

Ok Rachel. I’d better get you cleaned up. Let’s go into the ...(realizing)... bathroom. Erm, have you seen the view out of my window, it’s brilliant. Have a look.

RAYMOND:

Do I have to, I mean I live here I pretty much know what’s out there!

MONICA:

(Her voice drops and she glares at Raymond.) LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW!

RAYMOND:

(Scared witless) OK Rach, lets both look out of the window. (Raymond shepherds Rachel to the window. He says under his breath...) God you didn’t tell me she was mental!

(While Raymond and Rachel look out of the window, Monica takes Chandler out of the Bathroom and forces him under Monica’s bed)

MONICA:

Ok Rach, lets go in the bathroom and get you cleaned up. We’ll be back in a few minutes Ray, make yourself comfortable.

RAYMOND:

Okay Monica.

(Monica and Rachel disappear out of shot, into the bathroom. Leaving Raymond alone in the room. Raymond strolls around a little, looking about. Raymond winds up standing next to Monica’s bed, looks around the flat whistling lightly.)

RAYMOND:

(In a mocking airy-fairy voice) Chandler?? Chandie-Wandie-Landie-Chandler??

(Raymond then kicks the bottom of the bed hard a couple of times, getting a couple of ouches from Chandler)

CHANDLER:

Oww, Owwwww, god I think I’m bleeding. Who are you?

RAYMOND:

Well, let me just say I wonder what scary spice would say if she saw you in this predicament!

CHANDLER:

Ray? Raymond Slater? What are you doing here?

RAYMOND:

If you weren’t UNDER THE BED, I’d ask you the same question! Seems like we got invites to the same wedding. Small world isn’t it? Rachel was really upset, everyone in the reception were treating her like a leper, so I thought I’d cheer her up. Then she had a bust up with Ross, and came out balling!

CHANDLER:

How did you know I’m here?

RAYMOND:

Well, lets just say I’ve hidden in other people’s girlfriends’ rooms enough to know where I’d hide!

CHANDLER:

Ray, what am I gonna do man. I can’t let my friends see me with Monica. We’ve gotta keep it a secret!

RAYMOND:

Why?

CHANDLER:

BECAUSE IT’S MONICA! MY BEST FRIEND MONICA! We can’t be seen together, they’d be too much pressure!

RAYMOND:

Tell ya what. If I can get you out of here without being rumbled, You owe the UK division a four week extension on the Heidel contract!

CHANDLER:

I can’t give you that!!

RAYMOND:

(Calls out). Oh, RACHEL!!

CHANDLER:

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Okay, Okay, whatever, just get me out of this!

RAYMOND:

Okay, okay. Keep your two remaining nipples on!

(Monica comes back in, with Rachel, who looks alot better but still is very upset.)

MONICA:

What happened Rachel. What did Ross say?

RACHEL:

Well. Ross asked to see me, and I said I loved him, and he said he loved me too, but he was sooo angry with me, and started saying how I’d ruined his day, and I said I was sorry but he wouldn’t listen and he kept saying how I ruined his relationships, and how I didn’t want him to have a girlfriend, and how I was selfish and spoilt and ..... and that’s when he gave me this. (Rachel hands Monica the Envelope)

MONICA:

What’s this? (Monica looks into the envelope). Plane tickets??

RACHEL:

Yah! He doesn’t want me here. He’s going to get married again and he doesn’t want me to be anywhere near him! (Rachel starts to cry again)

MONICA:

That dufus! I’m gonna go there and rip his head off!! He’s way out of line for doing this! Rachel, go get yourself a room here, and then we’ll sort this all out before he gets married again!

RACHEL:

I can’t!! I maxed out my credit card just getting here! I can’t afford the room. I’m going to have to go home Monica...... I’ve lost him (starts crying harder.)

RAYMOND:

Look. They rented me out a room here, it’s a nice single room, I haven’t even been in it yet. Probably even still got the mint on the pillow. (Raymond hands Rachel his key). Here, you can have it. You need somewhere to stay more than I do!

RACHEL:

(Whining, still upset) But where will you stay?

RAYMOND:

Don’t worry, I can stay with a couple of friends (kicks Chandler under the bed) Can’t I?

CHANDLER:

Oww!

RACHEL:

What was that?

RAYMOND:

Nothing!

(Monica stares at Raymond, knowing that he knows Chandler’s here, Raymond puts his finger over his mouth, showing he knows it’s a secret.)

MONICA:

Okay I have to go see Ross, get this dufus sorted out (Monica quickly puts on some more clothes quickly)

RAYMOND:

Monica, take Rachel to my room, get her settled in, and I’ll (stressing the point) clean up here!

(Monica smiles a thank you)

MONICA:

Okay Rachel, lets go get you into your room.

RACHEL:

Thanks Raymond.

RAYMOND:

That’s okay, your welcome

(Monica and Rachel leave, the door slamming behind them. Chandler’s head appears from under the bed)

RAYMOND:

You don’t do things by halves do ya Chandie?

(End scene, fade out and in again)

Scene VIII – Inside Rachel’s Hotel room

(Rachel is asleep on the bed, completely out cold. Monica is sneakily reaching for the phone and dialing out. Suddenly cuts to Phoebe in the apartment, asleep. The phone begins to ring, making Phoebe jump, since the phone was right beside her ear. Phoebe presses a button on the phone and answers, as the two talk, the scene cuts from Monica to Phoebe)

PHOEBE:

Hello??

MONICA:

Hi Pheebs.

PHOEBE:

Monica! What’s going on over there?

MONICA:

Ross and Emily are going ahead with the wedding! We’re gonna be a couple of extra days here while they re-arrange it. But it’s still on! I’m still gonna be a sister-in-law!

PHOEBE:

Uh-huh, and with you and Chandler?

MONICA:

(Shocked) How did you know about that?

PHOEBE:

I not without my sources! I have ways and means! I have connections! Okay, I overheard you on the phone!

MONICA:

Please Phoebe! Don’t tell anyone about it! It was a stupid mistake!

PHOEBE:

Was it?

(Cut over to Chandler and Raymond, talking in Monica’s room)

CHANDLER:

Of course it was a mistake! A silly, stupid, irresponsible ....... silly mistake!

RAYMOND:

You said silly twice!

CHANDLER:

I know!

RAYMOND:

Are you sure Chandler?

CHANDLER:

Yes! (Raymond gives Chandler a knowing look) No!

RAYMOND:

Why not?

CHANDLER:

Being with her felt so good ......

(Cut back to Phoebe and Monica again)

PHOEBE:

How good?

MONICA:

Believe me Pheebs, the windows were rattling!

PHOEBE:

Mmmmmm sounds good, I never saw Chandler as the window rattler kind! Are you going to see him again?

MONICA:

I don’t know Phoebe!

PHOEBE:

Why not?

(Cut back to Raymond and Chandler)

CHANDLER:

She’s Monica. She’s ‘the girl in the next apartment Monica’ I’ve known her since I moved to New York. She’s my best friends sister. I mean that’s nearly incest!!

RAYMOND:

You panic too much Chandler.

CHANDLER:

(Babbling Fast) Oh, do I? Do I, Do I panic Do I? Have you slept with YOUR best friend’s sister recently?

RAYMOND:

Ok, that’s your last coffee! I tell ya, I’ve seen her, in fact I’ve seen quite a bit of her! And I can tell ya she’s quite a woman! Haven’t you ever looked at her in that way?

(Cut to Monica and Phoebe)

MONICA:

Maybe once or twice, when I was feeling really low, he’d come over and give me a hug. It felt really good, but I always thought of him just as a really good friend Pheebs. I didn’t think I thought of him ..... in that way!

PHOEBE:

So? What’s changed?

MONICA:

I dunno Pheebs, at that rehearsal dinner, when we were talking, I just felt something so strong towards him. You know what I mean?

PHOEBE:

And now?

(Cut back to Chandler and Raymond)

CHANDLER:

I just can’t resist being near her! Whenever I see her I just wanna rip off all her clothes, and do all naughty things with her.

RAYMOND:

That might frown on that at the ceremony! I’d try and control THAT urge in public! To be honest, I can’t see your problem, Chandler. You are sleeping with a beautiful woman who’s obviously attracted to you, that you love and care about, and you know really well, and your really intimate with! I wish I had your moral dilemmas!

CHANDLER:

What if she’s not attracted to me?

(Cut to Phoebe and Monica)

PHOEBE:

Believe me, if someone sleeps with you, that normally a good sign!

MONICA:

What if he isn’t though!

PHOEBE:

I can’t believe it! You two ..... people, have been dancing around each other for too long! I’ve been waiting for you two to stop being so ..... squirly around each other and admit how you feel. He LOVES you Monica, and you love him. So stop being so PARANOID and tell him.

(Cut to Chandler and Raymond)

CHANDLER:

I’m not sure how I feel about her.

RAYMOND:

Oh come on! I can’t believe you are SO in denial! Every time you e-mail me, shall I tell you what it says! It says ‘Rachel’s dizzy, Phoebe’s dizzier, Ross is nerdy, Joey is stupid, and I LOVE MONICA!’.

CHANDLER:

Does it?

RAYMOND:

If you were a caveman, you’d have whacked her on the head and dragged her to your cave by now! Okay, let me put it a different way, who do you go to for relationship advice?

CHANDLER:

Monica?

(Cut to Phoebe and Monica)

PHOEBE:

Who do you go to when you’ve broken up with someone, and you feel really sad?

MONICA:

Chandler!

(Cut to Raymond and Chandler)

RAYMOND:

Who do you spend your spare time with more than anyone?

CHANDLER:

Monica?

(Cut to Monica and Phoebe)

PHOEBE:

Who do you go to make you laugh?

MONICA:

Chandler.

(Cut to Raymond and Chandler)

RAYMOND:

Who do you trust most in the world?

CHANDLER:

(Finally realizing) MONICA!

(Cut to Phoebe and Monica)

PHOEBE:

Who would you want your child to grow up like?

MONICA:

(Missing the point) George Bush? ........(Finally realizing too) Chandler!

(Cut to Raymond and Chandler)

RAYMOND:

WHO DO YOU LOVE?

CHANDLER:

MONICA!

(Cut to Monica and Phoebe)

PHOEBE:

WHO DO YOU LOVE?

MONICA:

CHANDLER!

PHOEBE:

RIGHT! GO GET HIM!!!

(Monica drops the phone down and begins to leg it out of the room, when you hear Phoebe shout out wait from the phone)

PHOEBE:

Tell Raymond he’s yummy!

MONICA:

Err okay.

(Monica puts the phone down. Then cut to an apartment shot, with Phoebe doing a little dance with her hands to celebrate her victory)

PHOEBE:

La la la la la la!!

(All this stuff has woken up Rachel, and she is a bit groggy)

RACHEL:

What’s all this noise? What’s going on?

MONICA:

I’m in love with Chandler!!!

RACHEL:

Oh, as long as it’s not important. (Monica legs it out of the room, and Rachel settles down for a second before she realizes what Monica said. She jumps off the bed and after Monica.)

RACHEL:

WHAT?!! What did you say?

(Cut to Raymond and Chandler. Chandler is all excited, jumping around about what he’s just realized)

CHANDLER:

Oh my God! I mean OH MY GOD I gotta see Monica .....

 

 

(Chandler sprints off after Monica, leaving with a shot of Raymond looking all smug at his success!)

RAYMOND:

The lurve doctor strikes again!

SCENE IX – Montage

(Cut to a montage of Chandler and Monica running through various places, maybe getting into taxis or on tube trains, lasting about 20 seconds, until.....)

SCENE X – Corridor

(Monica turns into one side of the corridor or room, just as Chandler turns into the other. They both stop dead, and see each other)

MONICA:

Hi....

CHANDLER:

Err, Hi.

(then a slow build up of stirring music, as they pause for a few seconds, and then sprint at each other, wrapping their arms around each other and kissing passionately, through all the kisses you hear...)

CHANDLER:

I love you, Monica!

MONICA:

I love you too Chandler!

(We then just see a scene of them holding each other tightly, as the camera pulls away from them, and then fades out, stirring music still playing...)

(Advert Break – Boy! We deserve one!)

SCENE – XI

(Same scene as before, from a slightly different angle, Monica and Chandler are still kissing, completely involved in each other. After a few seconds, Raymond appears from behind them, looking round.)

RAYMOND:

Erm, I know this is a very passionate and romantic moment for you both, but don’t we have to be somewhere else? (No reaction) Ok, I’ll go on ahead then!

(Raymond disappears from shot, and then appears again)

RAYMOND:

Don’t forget to breathe! (Still no reaction)

SCENE XII – Wedding reception

(Cut to the wedding Reception, The crowd from before are there, all nibbling away on the catering. In the background you can still see Ross’s and Emily’s parents still bickering about the bill, waving bits of paper and quibbling. In the foreground, Raymond and Rachel enter the Reception, Chandler and Monica a few steps behind. Monica just doing herself up a little, Chandler slightly tightening his tie. Monica goes up to her Parents, with Chandler, Raymond and Rachel. Rachel feels uncomfortable, and slips away, going to hide away in the toilets.)

JACK GELLER:

My little harmonica, I haven’t seen you all day ... I hope you haven’t been all alone.

(Cut to an embarrassed shot of Monica)

RAYMOND:

(Under his Breath) No chance of that!

JUDY GELLER:

(Reaches over and straightens Monica’s hair) Darling, don’t wear your hair like that, it makes you look dumpy!

MONICA:

Thanks Mom.

JUDY GELLER:

(Spots Raymond) Oooh, I haven’t seen you before. What’s your name?

RAYMOND:

Erm, Raymond, Mrs. Geller.

JUDY GELLER:

Oooh, English too! Please, call me Judy (under her breath) ..... or Mom.

(Monica shoots her Mother with an Evil look)

JUDY GELLER:

So, Raymond ..... are you single? Because my little Monica’s is between men at the moment, maybe you’d like to .....

RAYMOND:

I’m sorry Mrs. Geller, sorry, Judy ..... but I’m attached at the moment. Besides, I think I’d be a little too young for your daughter.

JUDY GELLAR:

Nonsense. It’s getting so bad we’d be glad to see her with anyone!

(Another evil look from Monica to her Mom)

MR WALTHAM:

Excuse me, but we haven’t finished our discussion.....

JACK GELLER:

As far as I’m concerned we’re finished, I refuse to pay for your landscape gardeners!

MR WALTHAM:

But what about our Atrium??

JACK GELLAR:

As far as I’m concerned, you can take your atrium and shove it up your ......

RAYMOND:

(Interrupting) Steven! How are you? Haven’t seen you since last Christmas? How’s Andrea? Still on that all Cabbage diet??

MR WALTHAM:

‘Fraid Not old boy. She has heard that sex is the best form of Exercise. She has become very demanding in bed!

(Raymond physically shudders at the thought)

MR WALTHAM:

Well, you don’t have to be there Raymond!

RAYMOND:

True. Have you seen Emily? I haven’t said hello to her since I arrived.

MR WALTHAM:

Oh, she’s busy with Russ.

JACK GELLAR:

Ross!

MR WALTHAM:

Whatever. Personally I don’t see why she had to marry an American to be perfectly honest. She was perfectly happy with that Colin, and he had prospects. I tell you, he was fourth in line for his father’s salad dressing business.

JACK GELLER:

Excuse me, are you calling Americans stupid.

MR WALTHAM:

Well, not stupid per se, just not at mentally alert at the average Englishman.

(Raymond winces at the comment. Jack Geller pushes Raymond out of the way)

JACK GELLER:

Slow? SLOW! It was us slow Americans that bailed your scrawny English butt out of two world wars. It was us SLOW AMERICANS that paid off all your scrawny English debts after two world wars! If it wasn’t for the greatest fighting force in the world, you’d be having your scrawny English butt kicked up and down the strasse by the Gestapo!!

(While this is going on, Ross and Emily come out, to make an announcement, walking to and standing on a small podium, where the band would have been. As the argument continues, Ross tries to call order)

MR WALTHAM:

You are all a bunch of savages over there. We come and try to install a bit of order, and you throw us all out, and our tea too.

JACK GELLER:

Well! If you petty minded little socialist beurocrats didn’t tax it to hell, maybe we wouldn’t have had to!

MR WALTHAM

Us Brits could still show you a thing or two. We’d show you how to win a war!

JACK GELLER:

America? The greatest fighting force in the world? Against Britain? (Starts to laugh)

MR WALTHAM:

What about Vietnam? The greatest fighting force against a bunch of little men called Kim! Who won that eh?

(Jack Geller goes to throw a punch. Ross shouts up just in time)

ROSS:

(Glaring at the two about to brawl) Could I have everybody’s attention! (The two stop dead) Thank you! I’d just like to make an announcement. I’m sorry about today’s marriage, or lack of one. Only a little mix-up, nothing bad. And I hope you can all come tomorrow, same time, same place, for Ross and Emily’s Marriage, part two! I hope that .... (Cuts to a shot from behind Ross, Rachel has just walked in, and is staring at him, tears down her face looking really sad. Then a shot of Emily’s face, and Raymond's, who looks over his shoulder to Rachel, and back to Ross, who is immediately affected by seeing her crying. It’s obvious that Ross still loves her) ....... er you’ll stay around and have fun. (Ross walks off the stage, clearly shaken. Emily looks worried, trying to make everything look alright.)

(Raymond goes over to Rachel)

RAYMOND:

Are you alright?

RACHEL:

Yeah ...... No. Oh I don’t know anymore!

(Chandler, Monica, Joey and Felicity come over to comfort Rachel.)

RAYMOND:

Erm, I’ve gotta go have a word with Emily. See you in a minute.

Scene XIII – Private Room

(Cut to a shot of Ross and Emily in a room, their both being all touchy feely, but it’s obvious their both not happy. Raymond comes in)

EMILY:

Ray!

RAYMOND:

Hiya cuz! How are ya?

EMILY:

(Glad to have someone else in the room) Fine fine! You?

RAYMOND:

Not good. I’ve got this really serious problem, can I talk to you Em?

EMILY:

Of course!

(A couple of seconds of silence, until Ross gets the hint and leaves in a huff. They both wait until Ross has gone.)

EMILY:

So, what’s up?

(Raymond smiles)

RAYMOND:

So, my big cousin Emily’s getting married! I don’t believe it! My last serious relationship dumped me because I wasn’t allowed to stay out past 10 o clock on a school night!

EMILY:

Really? You’ve been single all that time?

RAYMOND:

Yeah, I don’t broadcast it though. How can you admit to anyone you lost your last girlfriend to New Kids on the Block?

(Emily laughs)

Ahh, the good old days, the fights, the tears, the tantrums, the constant nagging? And that was just our parents! I still remember you running up and down the streets, just in your little flowery underwear. God, I still remember the looks on the neighbors faces!

EMILY:

Well, I was sixteen at the time!

RAYMOND:

True.....

EMILY:

I don’t think the vicar ever quite recovered to be honest!

(The both laugh nervously)

RAYMOND:

Are you alright?

EMILY:

(Tries, but fails to sound convincing) Fine, Fine! Couldn’t be happier! I mean, I’m getting married! In Montgomery Hall, to Ross! Everything’s perfect!

RAYMOND:

Come on Em, be honest, it’s me your talking to. Little Cousin Ray? (Looks down on himself) Well, maybe not so much of the little, but still your cousin! Come on, if you can’t be honest with someone you changed nappies for, who can you be honest with!

EMILY:

It’s Ross.

RAYMOND:

What about him? Another woman? He’s gay? Too much hair gel?

EMILY:

Well, ..... that and ........... I don’t think he wants to marry me.

RAYMOND:

You saw it didn’t you.

EMILY:

(Pretending not to know) Saw what?

RAYMOND:

The way he looked at her when she walked into the room just now.

EMILY:

(Visibly sighs), yes, that!

RAYMOND:

Ok, you’ve got a choice now, I can be supportive, or honest. Whichever one you want!

EMILY:

Ok, supportive first ......

RAYMOND:

Of course he loves you! How could he look at another woman! Get married to him, you’ll be together forever!

EMILY:

(Sighs again) .... and honest?

RAYMOND:

Don’t do it! He loves Rachel, always has done, always will do. He might marry you Em, but he loves her!

EMILY:

What do you know Raymond? The last serious girlfriend you had had to choose between you and College!

RAYMOND:

I’ve been talking to Ross’s friends. Ross has loved Rachel ever since ....... well, ever since! She’s his fantasy woman. The one he’s always pictured himself being with! You may be a beautiful woman Emily Waltham, but you can’t compete with a fantasy!

EMILY:

(Getting angry) I know your only saying that ‘cause your friends with Chandler! I know your only saying that ‘cause you want to help your friends out instead of me!

RAYMOND:

When have I ever led you on?

EMILY:

What about the time when I was 18 you told me my mum had found my cigarette stubs in the shed? And you said for a bag of sweets you’d tell her you saw cousin Peter smoking in the shed. I bought you the sweets only to find out you’d put the stubs in there in the first place!

RAYMOND:

I WAS ELEVEN! I would have happily sold my mother for a bag of aniseed balls! I’m not saying this to upset you, or make you angry! I’m saying this because I love you and I know it’s true! And I know deep down you know it too!

EMILY:

I love him, I’m marrying Ross! Whether you like it or not!

RAYMOND:

Okay, fine! Do what you want! Just let me say this ..... on your honeymoon night, when your together, in bed, alone ..... who do you think he’ll be thinking about? You? ..... or Rachel? Once you’ve thought about it, come by and see me, I’ll be sleeping in Chandler’s room tonight.

(Raymond turns and walks to the door, opens the door to walk out. Suddenly you hear a huge shouting match, between Mr. Waltham and Jack Geller)

RAYMOND:

Oh God! They’re at it again, come on Emily, we gotta help sort this out!

(Emily and Raymond rush to the door)

SCENE XIV – At the Reception

(Cut back to the wedding reception. This time Mr. Waltham and Jack Geller are really going at it by the buffet. We see the two shouting, just as Emily and Raymond come in. The rest of the crowd have taken a step back. Monica, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, have all stood back too. In the corner, we see Joey still chatting up Felicity)

JACK GELLER:
(Really shouting) OUR SPORTS ARE NOT GIRLY!!!!!

MR WALTHAM:

Oh really, you .... you .... take a game we let 12 year old girls play, such as rounders, built a huge cast iron stadium monstrosity around the pitch, let sweaty overweight men play it for millions of pounds. And then you call it baseball and have the nerve to say you invented it yourself!!

JACK GELLAR:

OH REALLY!!

MR WALTHAM:

Yes. We try and give you a decent and manly game, rugby for instance, and you spoil it by covering yourself in girly padding, and having teams of about 50 a side!

JACK GELLER:

I DON’T NEED 50 A SIDE TO SORT YOU OUT MISTER.......

MR WALTHAM:

..... and the worst thing is you invent all these new games so you can say your the best, and then you have the NERVE to call them WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS!

JACK GELLER:

RIGHT!!!!!!! THAT’S IT, PREPARE FOR A PASTING!

(Jack Geller and Mr. Waltham tussle, pushing and grappling with each other. Jack turns round, and pushes Mr. Waltham over the buffet, food flying everywhere. You hear a disgusting crack from behind the table. Mr. Waltham cries out, but stands up, obviously hurt his leg)

MR WALTHAM

Right, now I’m ... Ow! ... really annoyed!! ... Ow ... Defend yourself!!

(Emily runs to get her dad)

EMILY:

Daddy! Stop it, your hurt!

MR WALTHAM:
NO! Don’t stop me I’ve got him right where I want him! Ow!

EMILY:

Stop it daddy, your leg’s hurt. You can’t walk on it.

MR WALTHAM:

Nonsense! Hardly hurts, just a scratch!

(Cuts away from the mess, to where Joey and Felicity are standing, canooldling. The shot is from above slightly, from behind Joey’s head. It’s Felicity’s dad’s P.O.V. There’s a hand that taps Joey on the shoulder)

FELICITY’S DAD:

Excuse me!

JOEY:

(Without Looking) Hey, get in line buddy!

FELICITY’S DAD:

What do you think your doing, mate?

JOEY:

Hey buddy, I told you to ......... (Joey stops dead, as he sees Felicity’s dad)

(Cut to a shot of Felicity’s dad. He’s HUGE!!! Cut back to a shot of Joey, and Felicity’s dad’s shadow casts over Joey. Joey instantly freezes!)

FELICITY:

Daddy!

FELICITY’S DAD:

(To Felicity) I told you if I found you with a man, I’d break him into little bitty pieces! If you let one man even touch you I’d pound him flat! Your only 15! What would your mum say?!!

JOEY:

(Spinning round in a panic) FIFTEEN!

(Felicity shrugs her shoulders, Joey looks back to her dad)

JOEY:

I didn’t .... didn’t .... didn’t touch her, I .. I .. I was just borrowing some scotch tape! (To Felicity) Do you have any scotch tape?

FELICITY:

(To her dad) Don’t worry daddy, he was very gentle .......

(Felicity’s dad explodes)

FELICITY’S DAD:

WHAT!!!!!!! (Spinning Joey round) RIGHT, I’M GONNA BREAK YOU IN HALF!!

(Everyone turns round watching what is happening, Joey steps back quickly, hands out to calm Felicity’s dad down)

JOEY:

Whoahhh! Hang on man! Just let me take off my jacket first! Okay?

FELICITY’S DAD:

Okay.

(Joey slowly turns round, walks over to a chair at the other side of the room. Joey takes off his jacket slowly, ruffles it flat. Sticks the Jacket under his chin, folds the arms over, and folds it perfectly flat on the chair. Stands up straight, takes a deep breath, and sprints out of the room like lightning!)

(Cut back to the rest of the crowd, who momentarily have forgotten about Mr. Waltham’s leg, until Mr. Waltham tries to put his leg down)

MR WALTHAM:
OWWWW!

EMILY:

Come on daddy! Lets get you to the hospital, get you checked out, shall we?

MR WALTHAM:

Okay darling. (Begins to hobble out, turns to Jack Geller). You won’t be so lucky next time!!

SCENE XV – At the Reception.

(Later on at the same reception, Monica, Chandler, Raymond and Rachel are sitting about. All worried at where Joey has disappeared to. Jack and Judy Geller walk past the group, and as they do we over hear)

JACK GELLER:

Well, Judy, he just pushed me too far ......

MONICA:

D’you think Joey can find his way back to the hotel??

CHANDLER:

No.

MONICA:

Why not?

CHANDLER:

He hasn’t got his map!

RAYMOND:

Right, I’d better go look for him. I’ll round up a few helpers....

CHANDLER:

I’ll give you a hand......

(Rachel sees Ross, who’s presently talking with some of the guests, before walking out to a hallway, Rachel gets up and follows)

SCENE XVI - Hallway

(Cut to a shot of a corridor/hallway. Ross has just been in somewhere, and turns round to come back into the reception, but his way is blocked by Rachel. You can sense the immediate sexual tension)

ROSS:

(With surprise) Rachel!

RACHEL:

Hello Ross. How are you?

ROSS:

Fine! Fine! ..... you?

RACHEL:

Okay .....

ROSS:

Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to .....

RACHEL:

Ross. Look, I came here to say something, and please let me finish what I’m saying before you answer. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to live with, and I know we’ve had our arguments, but I also want to say we’ve had our good times, really good times. And ...... I don’t want to lose those good times. I want to be able to have you by my side all my life Ross. We’ve both done wrong before, but you still are the person I trust most in the entire world ....... What I’m building up to say is ....... I can’t live without you by my side, and I don’t want to ....... so ....... please ....... marry me Ross!

(Shock Horror!)

ROSS:

Oh Rachel (Ross hugs Rachel). You don’t know how long I spent waiting to hear that, how many times I dreamed of this moment. How many times I used to sit awake at night holding you, wondering what you would say if I asked ........ but I can’t Rach, I can’t! I’m Sorry!

RACHEL:

(Beginning to cry) But why not?

ROSS:

I’m marrying Emily now. Please be happy for me, your a true friend Rach, I don’t wanna lose you!

(They hug again, and we get shots of both their faces, their both very unhappy)

Scene XVII – Wedding Reception.

(Cut to a the wedding reception. Monica, Rachel, Raymond, Ross, Chandler are all huddled around Joey’s Pop-up Map, trying to work out where Joey would run to)

CHANDLER:

Right, your Joey, your stuck in London, where would you run to?

RACHEL:

.... and more importantly what the hells going on with this map?

CHANDLER:

It’s Joey’s, finds it easier to navigate with ‘Pop-up’ buildings.

RAYMOND:

Ok, I know where to look, where’s the nearest mental institution?

ROSS:

What’s this, a footprint?

CHANDLER:

Don’t ask!

MONICA:

Where could he be? London’s huge! Did he have any money with him?

CHANDLER:

Don’t know! Knowing Joey he probably has $10 stuffed in his left shoe.

RAYMOND:

Well, that’s a great help in a completely different country!

(Emily walks in, flustered from the trip to the hospital)

ROSS:

Hiya Honey, how’s your father?

EMILY:

Not Good. He’s broken his leg.

(General sympathy)

ROSS:

Is he still in hospital?

EMILY:

No, they discharged him straight away, he’s just upstairs sulking! Always getting himself into arguments. The problem is there’s no-one to give me away....

RAYMOND:

I can give you away, in fact, if I really haggle I might get a good price for ya!

EMILY:

Okay, thanx Ray! What you doing there?

CHANDLER:

Working out where Joey is.

ROSS:

Okay, there is a theory that states anthropologically,

(Everyone pretends to nod off and snore loudly......)

ROSS:

Okay, if ya don’t wanna hear it!

CHANDLER:

Go on Ross, tell us!

ROSS:

Well, it states that a person is naturally attracted to where they feel most safe and secure. If you were Joey, where would you prefer to be in the whole world......

(A couple of seconds in thought, and then everyone says in unison)

ALL:

STRIP CLUB!

RAYMOND:

Well, that’s easy then, if he’s anywhere, he’ll be in Soho!!

MONICA:

Well, lets go then!

EMILY:

Hang on! I’ve got to baby-sit my father. He’s like a little child when he hurts himself, and Andrea isn’t going to lift a finger. She’s too involved looking for a paisley pattern wallpaper!

RAYMOND:

Don’t worry Em. The rest of us can go look, shouldn’t take long, how many Italian Americans can there be in Soho?

Scene XVIII - Soho, outside

(Cut to a shot of everyone Chandler, Monica, Ross, Rachel, and Raymond in a group getting out of a taxi. Raymond pays, and then everyone stands on the corner, deciding what to do)

RAYMOND:

Right, I suggest we split up. Ross and Chandler, you look for him up there, Me, Monica and Rachel will go down here. Okay. We’ll meet back here in ...... half an hour, okay?

ROSS:

Right, lets go Chandler.

CHANDLER:

Okay Ross, If we find a girl I like, can I keep her?

Scene XIX – Soho Street

(Cut to a street in Soho, evening/night. Ross and Chandler are walking down the street. Both are very quiet. As they walk along, we get a shot of each of their faces, and their thoughts are heard via voiceover.)

CHANDLER:

(V.O.) Ross, I’ve been having sex with your sister ....... no, no, no, no! Ross, could you see your sister with a man who’s very lovable but uses humor as a defense mechanism? No! Ross, I’ve been seeing someone in England, I know you’ll love her, because your related to her ......... hey! What are you, ready to die or something?!!

ROSS:

(V.O.) Chandler, what would you do if Rachel asked you to marry you? ........ Chandler, I’ve got a problem, Rachel wants to get back together, what do I do? How can I say this without Chandler making a joke??

(Suddenly, they both pipe up, trying to get out what they want to say, but it both comes out garbled)

ROSS:

After you Chandler

CHANDLER:

No after you!

ROSS:

No you!

CHANDLER:

(Stressing the point) No I insist!

ROSS:

Okay .......... I don’t know how to say this ........

(We overhear Chandler’s thought)

CHANDLER:

(V.O.) Oh God, he knows! HE KNOWS!! Run Chandler, run like the wind, he’s gonna kill you, he’s gonna strangle you in the backstreets of London!!! RUN AWAY CHANDLER!

(Cut back to Ross)

ROSS:

Rachel has asked to marry me!

CHANDLER:

Oh No! (Chandler’s thoughts V.O.) Thank God! (Back to normal) What happened Ross?

ROSS:

She came over to break me and Emily up. At first I was so angry. I bought her a ticket back to the US, and asked her to go home. But every time I see her, hear her cry, I can’t help myself. I can’t stop thinking about her, Chandler. I love her now more than ever!

CHANDLER:

Well, why don’t you call off the wedding?

ROSS:

Call it off?! I can’t do that! It would destroy Emily. I love her too, I can’t bear to hurt her.

CHANDLER:

Well, what are you going to do?

ROSS:

I don’t know Chandler, I don’t know! What were you going to say?

CHANDLER:

(Takes a deep breath) Well, it’s about Monica ....

ROSS:

What about Monica? She hasn’t been hurt by another man has she? I tell ya Chandler, the way men treat my sis at the moment. If one more man hurts her feelings, they’ll have me to answer to! What were you gonna say man?

CHANDLER:

Nothing, she was just thinking of getting her tummybutton pierced, that’s all!

(Chandler has a deep panicky look on his face as Ross turns away)

Scene XX – Soho, Outside.

(Cut to Raymond, Rachel and Monica, walking down a different street, looking at all the strip clubs and various ladies of the night.)

RAYMOND:

God, I hope we find him soon, I don’t like the look of round here.

MONICA:

Why?

RAYMOND:

Let’s just say I’ve become very attached to my wallet! Rachel, will you hurry up?

(We see Rachel talking to one of the girls)

RACHEL:

I’m sorry, but I just loved the shade of her eye shadow!

Scene XXI –

(Cut to a scene of inside a strip club. We can see just inside the doorway, where the bouncer is. Ross and Chandler are at the door.)

ROSS:

Excuse me? Have you seen an American come into here recently, black hair, about so high .......

JOEY:

(From inside) HEY!! How YOU doin’??

ROSS:

Never mind! (Pays money to get in, and Chandler and Ross enter)

(As they enter, you see more of the club, a normal strip club, Joey is sitting there at the front with a handful of coins)

CHANDLER:

Joey! There you are! We’ve been looking all over for you! What happened?

JOEY:

Well, the big man came in, he was gonna hit me. I ran and ran and ran and when I stopped running I remembered I’d forgotten my map. I was lost, and I couldn’t find my way back, so I came in here for .... directions

CHANDLER:

Why here?

JOEY:

There are naked ladies here!!

ROSS:

As good a reason as any!

CHANDLER:

What’s with all the change Joe?

JOEY:

I can’t get rid of it. It keeps falling out of their panties!!

(Ross picks out a mobile from his pocket, and dials)

CHANDLER:

Where did you get that??

ROSS:

Borrowed it from Emily’s step-mum.

CHANDLER:

Does she know?

ROSS:
Well .... no!

CHANDLER:

Good start with your mother-in law!

ROSS:

(Into the Phone) Hello? Ray?

(Cut to Raymond, on his Mobile, and the speech cuts back and forth between the two)

RAYMOND:

Ross?? You found him yet?

ROSS:

Yeah, we’re in a club called The Tower of Fundon

RAYMOND:

Mmmmm sounds classy! We’ll find it as soon as we can. We might be a while though.....

ROSS:

Why?

RAYMOND:

Rachel and Monica are exchanging make-up tips with a woman who openly advertises herself as ‘25 a go, buy one get the second free!". I hope they don’t get onto fashion, this is gonna cost me a fortune!

(Ross hangs up, in disbelief. He stares at the bar, while the legs of an obvious stripper strut up and down the bar. Joey and Chandler stare up with huge child like faces, obviously loving it! Ross still stares at the bar, even when the lady’s bra lands on his head, and he doesn’t even seem to notice... that’s when Joey notices)

JOEY:

Hey man, what's the problem?

ROSS:

Joey, Rachel asked me to marry her!

JOEY:

WHOAH! Talk about your bad timing, just as your about to marry Emily too!

(Ross and Chandler stare at Joey in disbelief)

ROSS:

No Joey, Rachel wants me to marry her INSTEAD of Emily.

JOEY:

(Understanding) Ahhhh, so who are ya gonna marry?

ROSS:

(Protesting too much) Well, Emily of course!

CHANDLER:

Are you sure?

ROSS:

No!

CHANDLER:

Well, you gotta make a choice Ross! You can’t marry Emily if you love Rachel!

ROSS:

Why not? I love Emily too. I can’t just call off a wedding! All the people we flew over! All the money we spent. I can’t just say "Sorry, it’s all been a big mistake!"

JOEY:

Well, compare them! Do the test! Whenever I’m stuck for choice between two women I always do the test!

ROSS:

What?

JOEY:

The Test! Sleep with them both! Give them marks out of ten for skill, speed, dexterity, stamina, and aggressiveness, the one with the most points wins!

ROSS:

Joey, are you suggesting that I make a decision that will affect the rest of my life on which one of them is better in bed?

JOEY:

Yes, any problem with that?

ROSS:

(Thinks for a few seconds) No, none that I can think of! What do I do in case of a tie?

JOEY:

Oh Man, just pray for a tie!

CHANDLER:

Sudden death overtime?

(Joey nods with a huge grin on his face)

CHANDLER:

Cool!

(Suddenly Raymond, Rachel and Monica come bustling in. Raymond storms in, Rachel and Monica bustling behind)

RACHEL:

We didn’t mean to take up THAT much time!

RAYMOND:

That much time? While you were sitting there chatting, I got an offer of 100 for Monica!

MONICA:

Oooh, what doing?

RAYMOND:

You really don’t wanna know!

(Ross sees Rachel and the air instantly Freezes)

RACHEL:

Hi

ROSS:

Uhh, Hi!

JOEY:

(Under his breath) The test, the test!

CHANDLER:

Hey! I have an idea! Ross is having his second wedding tomorrow, he at least deserves his second Stag Night! Who’s with me??

ROSS:

Yeah!

RAYMOND:

Sounds Good!

JOEY:

Hey! Whoah! What about Rachel and Monica. They can’t come on a Stag Night.

MONICA:

Why Not!

JOEY:

Their Girls!! You can’t have girls on a stag night unless their Strippers! Unless Rachel and Monica wanna..... (Monica and Rachel Shoots Joey a look) .... nope, they don’t wanna!

CHANDLER:

Hey! I got it. (Chandler reaches around in his pockets, and picks out a pen) Any of you have a pen? (Ross, Raymond and Joey reach around in their pockets, Raymond pulls out a pen. Chandler presents a pen each to Monica and Rachel ceremoniously) Right, tonight Rachel and Monica, I hearby present you for tonight your honorary penises. Remember to scratch them openly at every opportunity! Hip Hip

ROSS RAYMOND & JOEY:

HOORAY!

RAYMOND:

Right, now that’s sorted, (Motions to the barstaff) Six pints please!

RACHEL:

Can I have a glass of wine instead? I don’t think ....

RAYMOND:

I’m sorry Rachel, but you have to drink pints, your on a stag night!! If you drink girly wine we might be forced to strip you naked and tie you to a lamppost!

RACHEL:

Oh!

(Six Pints of thin fizzy beer appear on the Bar. Monica picks hers up straight away and downs it in one really fast! The rest stare at her in disbelief! Monica is out of breath and wipes her mouth with her sleeve)

MONICA:

Right, let’s go!

CHANDLER:

You heard the honorary man!

(They all start drinking their pints)

Scene XXII –

(Fade in from that scene, to a scene later on. All six are very drunk indeed, all of them are absolutely blasted! Chandler is carrying Monica, Ross is carrying Rachel, and Raymond and Joey are pretty much carrying each other! They are all singing something particularly drunkenly.)

ROSS:

Here’s my room guys! (Ross presses his face against his door, trying to read the number) yep! That’s it! Look, thanks guys, this has been a REALLY great bachelor party! REALLY GREAT! Especially the bit with the naked .........

JOEY:

(Really pissed) Oh Yeah! (Face suddenly grimaces, he’s feeling pretty ill) Oh No!

MONICA:

Chandler, can you give me a hand to my room, I don’t know where I am, and I need help with ....... well I dunno but I need help with it!

CHANDLER:

Okay Mon, let’s go help you with your thing.....

MONICA:

Only if I can help with yours first!

(Monica and Chandler stumble off)

RAYMOND:

We’d better go too, before I see what Joey drank in reverse order!

(Joey grimaces with the thought)

JOEY:

Hey Ray, where ya gonna sleep tonight?

RAYMOND:

Don’t Worry Joey, something tells me there’s gonna be a spare bed in your room tonight!

(Raymond and Joey stumble off too leaving Rachel and Ross alone)

RACHEL:

Ross, I know your getting married to Emily tomorrow, I know nothing’s going to stop you from starting your new life with Emily, and I know I am very drunk indeed ..... but Ross, we’re here, we’re in the moment, I want to spend one last night with you.

ROSS:

But Rachel, what about Emily ......

RACHEL:

Please Ross, I don’t want to let you go before I’ve been with you one last time, just one last night together, before we stay apart forever. Just one more .......

(Rachel looks into Ross’s eyes. Ross looks in Rachel’s eyes. And slowly they move in together for a slow, really passionate slow kiss. They keep kissing and kissing, getting closer and more passionate. Suddenly Ross opens the room door, and they both move into Ross’s room and close the door behind them.)

Scene XXIII –

( Cut’s to Ross’s room, Ross is in bed alone, it’s the morning after. Chandler comes in, with a really vicious hangover. He shouts half heatedly, walks in and out again)

CHANDLER:

Woohoo, your getting married, yay yay........

(Once Chandler has walked out again, suddenly, Rachel’s head pops up from under the sheet)

RACHEL:

Do you think he saw us?

ROSS:

No, I don’t think he did, and anyway, who cares (Rubbing his headache)

RACHEL:

Look Ross, thanks for this last night. At least I have some night to remember before we’re split apart forever ... (Rachel gets out of bed, and gets dressed, and before leaving she goes up to Ross, kisses him on the cheek) Thank you Ross. I’m not going to be at the wedding Ross, I can’t see you marry .... (Rachel then runs out, beginning to cry.)

ROSS:

RACHEL!

(Rachel turns round, tears in her eyes)

ROSS:

I love you!

(Rachel runs out crying)

(Once Rachel leaves, we get a close-up of Ross’s face, extremely sad, and sad music plays when it fades into ...)

Scene XXIV –

(Fade into the wedding ceremony, the same as before. Ross’s face is still extremely sad, we get a look over the congregation, we see Mr. Waltham with a big plaster cast on his leg, not talking to the Gellers and we see people walk up the aisle, Firstly Monica and Chandler, and then Joey and Mrs. Waltham. Finally, the Music begins to play, and Raymond leads the bride up the aisle, veil over her head. Exactly the same as the first time)

CHANDLER:

(To Ross) Could you look any more miserable?

ROSS:

I’m not sad!

CHANDLER:

Oh come on Ross! Your face is dragging on the floor!

(Raymond leads the bride to the altar, thick veil over her face. The music stops. We get a shot from behind the bride, so we can see Ross’s Face. He lifts the veil, suddenly we see the shock on his face. There’s a few gasps from the congregation......)

ROSS:

RACHEL!!

(We get a shot from behind Ross’s head, and sure enough, it’s Rachel in the dress! A few shots of the other cast, Monica, Raymond, Chandler, and Joey all smiling. They knew all along!)

ROSS:

RACHEL?? HOW, HOW, WHY??

(Cut to a shot down the aisle, we see Ross on one side, Rachel on the other, and in between them down the other end of the aisle, is Emily. Ross runs down to Emily, wanting an explanation, lost for words)

ROSS:

Wha .......Wha ....... Why?

EMILY:

Ross, You know how much I love you, and I know how much you love me. I would give anything to marry you. But I see the way you look at Rachel, and I see the way Rachel looks at you. I could never make you as happy as Rachel could, and I love you enough to let you go and be with the one person you really want in the world. (Beginning to get upset) I’m going to miss you Ross, miss you so much. (They hug for a few seconds, we see shots of the characters faces, ending with Rachel’s before cutting back) Now. Go marry Rachel Ross, go and be happy!

(We see a shot of Raymond giving a thumbs up to Emily)

Scene XXV – Montage

(We see a montage of shots from the wedding as they go through the ceremony. Starting with Mr. Waltham beginning to complain, before Raymond kicks him in his plastercast, and he falls back into his chair speechless in pain. Then shots of exchanging vows, and exchanging rings, and then finally, the kiss)

Scene XXVI –

(Cut to packing up for the trip home, Ross and Rachel arm in arm, Monica having a fit trying to get everything done.)

MONICA:

Where’s my other case? WHERE’S MY OTHER CASE? Where did I put it? What if’s the plane’s early? What if we can’t get a cab? What if there’s a cue at Check-in? COME ON!!

RACHEL:

Monica ..... Breathe!!

(Chandler and Joey come in, carrying their cases, all packed and ready to go)

CHANDLER:

There, all done, ready to go now!

MONICA:

HOW CAN YOU BE READY?? You’ve only been packing for 10 hours!!!

JOEY:

Can somebody sedate her???

ROSS:

Got everything Joey?

JOEY:

Yep! Towels, soap, shampoo, Bathrobe, shower cap ........

ROSS:

..... Tickets, Money, passport?

(Joey thinks for about 3 seconds, and then sprints out)

JOEY:

DAMN!!

CHANDLER:

He may be slow, but tell him a joke and you can time an egg to perfection!

(Raymond walks in)

RAYMOND:

You lot off then??

RACHEL:

Yep, it’s been quite a couple of days, hasn’t it!

ROSS:

You can say that again! I’ve come away with a different wife than planned! Hey, Mrs. Geller, I’m just going to go call a cab!

RACHEL:

Okay, Mr. Geller!

(They kiss, and Ross leaves)

RACHEL:

Thank you Raymond.

RAYMOND:

Hey, what did I do?

RACHEL:

Set up a whole wedding, changed my life. Given me what I most wanted in the entire world. Is there any way I can thank you?

RAYMOND:

Yes, whatever you do, don’t call your first child Raymond!

RACHEL:

(Laughs) Okay we won’t. (Rachel gives Raymond a hug) I’ll never forget what you did Raymond, thank you.

RAYMOND:

S’ok, here.

RACHEL:

What are these?

(Raymond hands Rachel two envelopes)

RAYMOND:

One of them is the plane ticket, something to show your grandkids! And the second is a note from me. It’s my phone number and E-mail and all that. If you ever need advice or just a friend, I’m just on the other side of the information superhighway!

RACHEL:

Thank you (Hugs Raymond again).

CHANDLER:

Hey man, thanks! For everything!

RAYMOND:

That’s okay too, I’ll hear from you bright and early Monday morning! Tell me how everything goes.

(Chandler hugs Raymond too)

RAYMOND:

Hey! Steady on mate! I’m English remember! Look, I’ve gotta go, I’ve gotta get a lift back with a mate.

(A GEORGEOUS GIRL turns up at the door, calls Raymond)

GORGEOUS GIRL:

Raymond, Coming??

(Raymond turns to Chandler and says)

RAYMOND:

Boy, karma works fast these days!

(Raymond runs out of the room, huge smile on his face)

MONICA:
I’VE FINISHED! COME ON LETS GO GO GO!!

CHANDLER:

Calm down Monica. We’ve got plenty of time! (Chandler walks up to Monica and Hugs her tight)

(Ross walks in with Joey and they quickly unclench when he gets in.)

ROSS:
Come on, I’ve got the cabs, lets get going!!

(Ross turns to walk out, but Monica calls out and stops him)

MONICA:

Ross, erm, I’ve got something to tell you. I’ve met someone.

ROSS:

Oh Great!! Who?

MONICA:

Well, he’s really smart, and funny, and sweet, and I know you’ll really get on with him .... (as she says this, she puts her arm around Chandler’s middle)

ROSS:

You ..... you two?....... together ........ THAT’S GREAT !!!

(Everyone congratulates Chandler and Monica for getting together, except Joey. There’s a few moments, before Joey finally gets it!)

End of Episode

Ending Teaser

[Joey is talking to Phoebe on the phone (!!), he has a cracker with something on it, which he takes a small bite out of, chews it with raised eyebrows, then reaches for another]

PHOEBE - "So, everything worked out?"

JOEY - "Yeah


PHOEBE - "Oh! Oh that is so great, Oh but not for Emily" (Joey nods, cut to Phoebe) "but - oh I cannot believe all this has happened, and, and I'M not there!"

[cut to Joey]

JOEY - "Aww, don't worry Phoebes, we'll tell you all about it when we get back, annndd...." (sing-song voice) "I got you a present too!!"

[cut to Phoebe, surprised]

PHOEBE:

"A PRESENT!?! Oh, thankyou Joey! That's so great of you! Oh! So, so what is it?"

[cut to Joey, who picks up and admires another one of those big London-top-hats like the one he bought on the first day]

JOEY:

(grinning) "Op, no, that's a surprise"

[cut to Phoebe, who is smiling in anticipation of her "present"]

PHOEBE:

"Oh...Hey! You know what else is weird? I've been talking to you ALL day, and we haven't got cut off! It's like the phone fairy doesn't want me to miss anything!! (laughs)....Isn't that weird?......Joey.....Joey?

[cut to Joey]

JOEY:

(triumphant, laughing) "GOTCHA! Ha ha!"

[cut to Phoebe, who is sarcastically mouthing a laugh]

JOEY - (on phone) "I'll bet you though I was really gone, didn't you? I bet you - " (he is cut off as the phone really DOES cut out)

PHOEBE - (pause thinking it is another joke) "Ha Ha, very funny.....Joey, I know you're still there......I can hear you breathing.....Joey? Yeah, well I can wait just as long as you.....who's stupid now?....Joey?"

THE END!

I can not and won’t take credit for the closing teaser. I’d like to thank Sky, for the ending from TOW All Been Waiting For, which I laughed so much at I wanted to use it! And other Fanfic writers for giving me little ideas to add to this mammoth beast, look out for the next episode in my series.

TOW Phoebe’s Litter!

Chris Freestone

E-Mail = freestone@cheerful.com