The One With Ross & Rachel’s Wedding – Part III

Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

Previously on Friends


Minister: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today to join Rachel Green and Ross Geller in matrimony. Marriage is a very important insititution. One built on trust and love. We are here to celebrate their love for one another and have asked you in the audience to share in their display of their love for each other. If there is anyone here who has any reason why these two shouldn't wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. (Pause)

Man: I object!

(Ross and Rachel turn around to find Gunther standing)

Rachel: Gunther, what the hell are you doing?!

Minister: Um, if the bride and groom and you sir would follow me, we have some things to talk about.

Ross: I’m gonna kick his ass!

Rachel: This is all your fault, you never have normal weddings!

Opening Credits

PARK AVENUE HOTEL (Continued from before- Ross, Rachel, Gunther and the Minister have gone off to discuss the situation. The rest of the audience is sitting talking)

Monica: You know what would make this day perfect?

Phoebe: What?

Monica: If Emily was here to object. Rachel ruined her wedding after all.

Phoebe: Don’t count your eggs before the chicken hatches, it still might happen.

Monica: Don’t you mean don’t count your chickens before they hatch?

Phoebe: Whatever. (to Chandler) Hey gay boy, any sign of them?

Chandler: Don’t call me that anymore, I’m married now. And no, I don’t see them.

Phoebe: You’ll always be gay boy to me.

(Cut to the side room)

Rachel: Gunther, what the hell is the matter with you? Are you insane or something?

Gunther: I love you. You can’t marry him, he’s not good enough for you.

Ross: (going after Gunther but stopped by the minister) I’ll give you something to love.

Rachel: Ross! Stop it!

Ross: (protesting) He’s ruined our wedding!

Rachel: Go outside and wait for me, I’ll handle this.

Ross: But….

Rachel: Go!

Ross: Fine. (to Gunther) Don’t bother coming to the reception. Consider yourself uninvited.

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: I’m leaving, I’m leaving.

Minister: We’ll wait for you outside. Take all the time you need.

Rachel: Thanks. (The minister leaves and closes the door) Gunther, I’m gonna wipe that smile off your face with my fist!

(Cut to the ballroom – Ross has returned to reassure the guests)

Ross: We’ll be resuming the ceremony in a couple of minutes, thanks for your patience.

Monica: Are you ok?

Ross: I am gonna kill Gunther. I can’t believe this.

Phoebe: I knew this was gonna happen. Gunther’s been in love with Rachel for a long time.

Ross: What?!

Phoebe: Nothing.

(Jennifer and Brad walk up)

Jennifer: I must say this is the most interesting wedding I’ve ever been to.

Joey: You obviously didn’t come to Ross’s wedding when he married Emily.

Brad: Right, the one where he said Rachel’s name instead of Emily’s.

Ross: (to Joey) Thanks for bringing that up.

Phoebe: My guitar’s in the limo. Do you want me to entertain the guests?

Chandler: We want the guests to stay, not leave Phoebe.

(Dr. and Mrs. Green and Mr. and Mrs. Geller approach)

Dr. Green: Dr. Wethead, what’s going on?

Ross: Just a minor delay, Rachel will be right out.

Dr. Green: (pointing to Jennifer) That’s Rachel right there, let’s get on with it.

Sandra: That’s Jennifer Aniston Leonard. Geez, you can’t even recognize your own daughter.

Judy: Are you ok Ross?

Ross: No mom, I’m not ok. A coffee shop manager has ruined my wedding.

Jack: It wouldn’t be the first wedding of yours ruined son. You’ve got to roll with the punches. (Ross glares at his father) I’m just saying, you could’ve said someone else’s name again.

(Cut to the side room – Rachel and Gunther, who’s holding a napkin to his nose, are talking)

Rachel: Gunther, you are, or after this, were my friend. But you’ve got to understand something, I’m in love with Ross. I’ve always loved Ross and always will.

Gunther: But he slept with Chloe. He broke your heart.

Rachel: And I forgave him. That’s what love is all about. I don’t love you Gunther and I never will.

Gunther: Never’s a strong word.

Rachel: Do you want me to hit you in the face again?

Gunther: No.

Rachel: Then listen to me closely, I love Ross and Ross is the one for me. You and me, never gonna happen. Besides, I didn’t date Ross for three years after he cheated on me, you had your chance to ask me out but you never seized it. Face it, you blew it.

Gunther: Would you have gone out with me if I had asked?

Rachel: Truthfully?

Gunther: Truthfully.

Rachel: No. (Gunther is crushed) You’re just not my type. I am sorry. But somebody will love you Gunther, you’re a good person.

Gunther: But not you.

Rachel: Ok, how many different ways do I have to say it?

Gunther: Sorry.

Rachel: What about the girl you brought to the wedding? Do you like her?

Gunther: Yeah.

Rachel: Well there you go, that’s half the battle. She’s obviously interested in you or she wouldn’t be here with you.

Gunther: You think?

Rachel: Yeah. Now can I go back to my wedding?

Gunther: Yeah. I’m sorry Rachel.

Rachel: I’d say it’s ok, but your timing to tell me all this really sucked. You do realize that it’s probably best if you leave the wedding.

Gunther: Yeah. Apologize to Ross for me. He still wants to kick my ass.

Rachel: Don’t worry about Ross, I’ll handle him.

Gunther: How?

Rachel: He lives in fear, he knows I’ll kick his ass.

(Cut to the ballroom – Rachel returns. The guests get very quiet)

Ross: (to the guests) It looks like we’re ready to resume. (to Rachel) Is everything cool?

Rachel: Let’s do it. I love you.

Ross: I love you too.

(everyone returns to their places)

Minister: Ok, where were we?

Joey: The part about objecting.

Chandler: Shut up Joey!

Monica: Would you two knock it off please?

Minister: Ok, let’s try this again. Today we are here to celebrate Rachel and Ross’s love for one another and they have asked you in the audience to share in their display of their love for each other. If there is anyone here who has any reason why these two shouldn't wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. (Pause)

Woman: I object!

Ross: What the hell is going on around here? Who is it this time? (Turns to see Emily at the back of the audience)

Emily: Well isn’t revenge sweet?

Minister: Here we go again.

Rachel: I should have killed her when I had the chance! (to Ross) How’d she get in here?

Ross: I dunno.

Minister: Ladies and gentlemen, we have to take another short break and work out this problem. We’ll be right back. Ross, Rachel and miss, please follow me.

(Ross, Rachel, Emily and the Minister go to the side room)

Monica: How’d she get in here?

Phoebe: Yeah, she called for directions last night so I told her where we’d be.

Chandler: You told Ross’s ex-wife, Emily, where the wedding was gonna be? What are you, stupid or something?

Phoebe: I was just trying to be nice, how was I supposed to know that she’d show up and ruin the wedding?

Monica: Ah, the fact that Rachel ruined hers didn’t clue you in?

Chandler: Apparently not. But that doesn’t explain how she knew it was today. (Joey starts walking away) Joey, where are you going?

Joey: Huh?

Chandler: You told Emily when the wedding was didn’t you?

Joey: Maybe.

Monica: Joey!

Phoebe: And you guys think I’m stupid.

Joey: Look I’m sorry. I bumped into her on the street and I didn’t know what to say.

Chandler: How about hi! Nice to see you! Goodbye!

Monica: (pushing Chandler aside) What did you say?

Joey: She asked what everyone was up to and I mentioned that Ross and Rachel were getting married. She wanted to know when so I told her. Look, I figured she go back to London, how was I supposed to know that she show up here?

(Jennifer and Brad approach again)

Jennifer: Two for two.

Monica: Huh?

Jennifer: Ross and Rachel each have one objection each, I can’t wait to see who the tie breaker is.

Brad: Cut it out Jen. (to Chandler) So that was Emily.

Chandler: Yup, in the flesh.

Brad: One question, what was Ross thinking? She’s, she’s, she’s, well I can’t describe how ugly she is.

Jennifer: That’s not nice Brad. You were ugly once too.

Brad: Yeah, when I was first born and had blood all over me.

(Dr. Green, Mrs. Green, Mr. Geller and Mrs. Geller approach)

Jack: This is worst then when he said Rachel’s name at his last wedding.

Sandra: Jack, his last wedding was to Rachel. They got married in Vegas remember?

Dr. Green: That wasn’t a real wedding. Everyone knows that Vegas weddings are only recognized in Vegas.

Sandra: How did you become a doctor?

Judy: I would’ve expected this at Monica’s wedding, but never Ross’s.

Monica: Ah Mom, I’m standing right here!

Judy: It’s ok sweetie, I didn’t happen now, did it?

Chandler: Come on Mon, let’s go for a walk.

Monica: I hate that woman sometimes.

Phoebe: So Dr. Green, have you met Jennifer and Brad?

Jennifer: It’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m Jennifer and this is my husband Brad.

Brad: Nice to meet you sir.

Dr. Green: Nice to meet you both. (to Brad) Weren’t you in that movie Legends of the Fall?

Brad: Yes, I was.

Dr. Green: (to Jennifer) And you were in The Object of My Affection.

Jennifer: Uh huh.

Dr. Green: You’re both movie stars. What are you doing at my daughter’s wedding?

Jennifer: We’re friends of Ross and Rachel’s.

Brad: Oh by the way, your eldest daughter asked me to sign her fake breasts.

Dr. Green: And I wonder why can’t that one get married?

(Cut to the side room)

Minister: (to Emily) Ok. What’s your problem with these two getting married?

Emily: I don’t have a problem actually. Rachel just ruined my marriage to Ross before it even started, that’s all. Let’s call this revenge.

Rachel: Listen missy, I didn’t ruin your marriage to Ross, you’re the one who couldn’t stand the fact that we were still close friends!

Emily: Well consider us even.

(Camera cuts to Ross who is laughing)

Rachel: What is so funny? This wench has ruined our wedding!

Ross: And Gunther didn’t?

Rachel: Don’t start with me.

Ross: Calm down Rach. I’m just laughing ‘cause I can’t believe that I was once in love with her. Are we done here?

Emily: Let me get this straight, I come here to ruin your wedding to Rachel, and all you do is laugh at me?

Ross: Pretty much. Look Emily, you’re from my past and there you will stay. You can’t do anything to screw up my life anymore than you already have. (to Rachel) I’m really sorry about this Rach, but don’t let a vengeful ex-wife of mine ruin our wedding day. I love you. Hell, I was still in love with you when I married Emily. Why do you think I said your name at the altar?

Emily: What?!

Rachel: You heard him. He was still in love with me. As they say in your country, you are the weakest link, goodbye!

(Ross opens the door and Emily leaves)

Minister: After today, I’m getting out of this business. Are we ready to resume?

Rachel: Yeah and I promise, no more interruptions.

Ross: Just in case, can we skip the objection part?

(Cut to the ballroom – Ross and Rachel return. The guests get very quiet again)

Ross: Can I have your attention please?

Rachel: It’s already quiet.

Ross: Thanks. (pause) I’m gonna do this myself. Is there anybody else here who thinks Rachel and I shouldn’t wed? (long pause) Great. We’re gonna go get married now. Enjoy the show.

Joey: I think they’ve already seen enough of a show. (Rachel and Ross glare at Joey) (Joey to Chandler) I’m just saying.

Chandler: Shut up Joey.

Minister: Ok. Thanks for your patience folks. Ok, let’s get these guys wed, there’s another wedding ceremony in here in ten minutes.

Rachel: (to the Minister) Can we start over? It’d really be better if we could just start over.

Minister: (to Rachel) No time for that dear.

Ross: It’s ok Rach, it’s just great that we’re actually finally gonna be married again.

Minister: You guys have already been married once?

Rachel: Yeah but we were drunk.

Ross: And in Vegas. You know what they say about Vegas….

Minister: That you get married?

Rachel: Exactly. We better get on with the ceremony.

Minister: Right. Where was I?

Joey: Is there any reason why these two shouldn’t wed.

Ross: Shut up Joey!

Joey: (to Chandler) Why does everyone keep telling me to shut up? I’m only trying to help.

Chandler: Shut up Joey!

Minister: We are here to celebrate Rachel and Ross’s love for one another and they have asked you in the audience to share in their display of their love for each other. Ross and Rachel, please stand. (Ross and Rachel stand) May I have the rings please. (Ben approaches and gives the Minister the pillow with the rings on it) Thank you son.

Ben: You’re welcome dude.

Ross: (to Joey, who is laughing) Joey!

Minister: Rachel, while placing this ring on Ross’s hand, repeat after me. I, Rachel, take thee Ross to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Rachel: (who is crying) I, Rachel, take thee Ross to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Minister: Now, Ross, while placing this ring on Rachel’s hand, repeat after me. I, Ross, take thee Rachel to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Ross: (who has a big grin on his face) I, Ross, take thee Rachel to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.

Minister: These rings are a symbol of your love for one another. Wear them always and you will never be without the other. Ladies and Gentlemen, by the power invested in me by the State of New York, I now pronounce Ross and Rachel, Husband and Wife. (to Ross) You may kiss the bride.

(Ross kisses Rachel and the invited guests give them a standing ovation)

Monica: (to Phoebe) I didn’t get a standing ovation at my wedding.

Phoebe: You also didn’t have to people object at your wedding. I think the guests are just happy that the wedding is finally over.

Chandler: And the crowd goes wild. Geez, you think they hit a grand slam or something.

Joey: From the way Ross is grabbing Rachel’s ass, I think they’re about to.

Ross: (breaking the kiss – to Rachel) I love you Mrs. Geller.

Rachel: I love you Dr. Geller.

Ross: One thing, who’s a better kisser? Me or Monica?

Rachel: You know?

Ross: I know. You told me in Vegas.

Rachel: And you’re ok with it?

Ross: No, but I’ll live.

Rachel: This wedding was like our entire history together…..

Ross and Rachel: Full of surprises.

Minister: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to present to you Ross and Rachel Geller. (the guests clap as Ross and Rachel walk down the aisle followed by Chandler and Monica and Joey and Phoebe).

Closing Credits

Rachel: I can’t believe we’re finally married.

Ross: It’s pretty great. I really love you.

Rachel: I love you too. Should we go see our guests?

Ross: Let’s make them wait.

Rachel: Oh, what do you have in mind Dr. Geller?

Ross: How ‘bout a little one on one?

Rachel: Right here?

Ross: We could go out to the limo.

Rachel: Let’s go.

(Ross and Rachel sprint out of the room)

Monica: Where are you guys going?

Rachel: To have sex in the limo.

Joey: Nice!