The One With A Baby


Written by: The Teenage Friends Freak

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

Note:  This fanfic takes place a few days after my last fanfic, The One Where Phoebe's In Trouble


Scene:  Central Perk. Everyone except Rachel is there. Stella enters.

Stella:  (out of breath) Rachel...having...contractions...get...hospital...(runs back out the door)

[everyone looks at each other]

Ross:  (after a pause) Oh my God!

Credits

Scene:  Chandler and Monica's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Stella is playing on a laptop computer. The others come rushing in.

Ross:  OK honey, don't worry, I've called a cab, it should be here any minute.

Phoebe:  Don't worry, we're all here.

Ross:  Here, let me help you up.

Rachel:  Guys, what's going on?!

Monica:  Stella came down to-

[Stella starts snickering]

Monica:  (realizes) Noooo...

Stella:  (laughing) You guys are so gullible!

Ross:  Joey, could you cancel the cabs? (sits down on the couch) Stella, you should not have done that.

Stella:  Oh come on, it's just a bit of fun!

Joey:  (on phone) Yeah, we don't need them anymore.

Monica:  Uh-oh.

Chandler:  What?

Monica:  Let's put it this way: we do need the cabs.

Joey:  But Rachel's not- (pause) Ohhh...

Scene:  The hospital. Stella comes rushing in and goes to the desk.

Stella:  Hi.

Nurse:  Hello.

Stella:  My cousin's husband's sister is having a baby.

[the others come round the corner]

Stella:  And here they are.

Ross:  Well?

Nurse:  (sees that there are two pregnant women {you can't tell that Phoebe's pregnant yet}) Which one is the husband's...sister's...cousin?

Monica:  Owowowowowowowowowow!

Nurse:  Ah. Through there.

Stella:  Thanks.

[they all go into a delivery room except Stella, who stays to give Monica's details. Monica sits on the bed]

Monica:  Do I have to lie down?! Oh, oh, another one! (goes all tense)

[everyone waits for the contraction to pass]

Monica:  OK, I do.

[Monica's doctor enters]

Doctor:  Well, how are we doing?

Monica:  I don't know, you're the doctor aren't you?

Doctor:  How far apart are the contractions?

Chandler:  They're every four and a half minutes and last 57 seconds.

Doctor:  OK then.

[Stella enters]

Stella:  My teacher wants to know how long this is gonna take. Hi Scott!

Doctor:  Hi Stella. It'll take a few hours at least.

Stella:  Cool, no school! (exits)

Rachel:  You know her?!

Doctor:  Yeah, everyone knows Stella.

Rachel:  Figures.

Doctor:  (to Monica) Well, I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing. (leaves)

Monica:  Oh my God, I'm gonna have a baby!

Chandler:  Hey, it's mine too!

Rachel:  Are you nervous?

Monica:  I am now, thanks to you!

Rachel:  Why, what did I do?

Monica:  You asked me if I was nervous!

Rachel:  Um, I'm gonna see what Stella's doing.

Ross&Joey&Phoebe:  Yeah/me too/etc.

[everyone except Chandler and Monica leaves]

Chandler:  So, are you nervous?

Monica:  Most nervous I've ever been in my life. You?

Chandler:  Scared as hell.

Scene:  The waiting room. Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe and Stella are there.

Stella:  I'm bored.

Joey:  Yeah, me too.

Stella:  What are we supposed to be doing during all these hours, anyway?

Ross:  Waiting.

Stella:  Why? There should be something for us to do!

Rachel:  There's the television...

Stella:  (sarcastically) Yeah, I love watching the cooking channel!

Phoebe:  I could play us a song.

Stella:  You don't have your guitar.

Phoebe:  Oh yeah.

Stella:  I'm going to that Burger King across the street. Joey, d'you wanna come?

Joey:  Ya-huh!

Rachel:  Stella, you can't just leave!

Stella:  I'm only going across the street.

Rachel:  But, but what if Monica wants to see you?

Stella:  Me? I don't think so. Anyway I've got my cellphone. Call me when it's over.

[Stella and Joey leave. There is a long pause]

Rachel:  So, what are we gonna do?

Ross:  Wait?

Phoebe:  Waiting's boring.

Ross:  There's not much else we can do.

Rachel:  There's a foosball table over there...

[Rachel and Phoebe look at each other]

Cut to:  The foosball table. Rachel and Phoebe are...playing. Sort of. They're both trying to lift the table up so that the ball rolls down. Ross is trying to stop them.

Phoebe:  You're cheating!

Rachel:  Yeah, well, so are you!

Ross:  Guys, guys, stop it!

Rachel:  No, I'm winning!

Phoebe:  Not if I can help it!

[they continue wrestling with the table. It breaks. Rachel and Phoebe quickly turn away and act all innocent]

Rachel:  (quietly) Look what you did.

Phoebe:  (equally quiet) It was you.

Scene:  The Burger King across the street. Joey and Stella enter and go to the counter.

Joey:  Hi, I'd like one of everything.

Stella:  I'll have two of everything.

Joey:  Um, yeah, me too.

Dorky Burger King Guy:  What do you mean?

Stella:  Two of every kind of food and drink, you dork! {I know no-one actually says that except me, but it is me who's writing this fanfic, after all}

D.B.K.G.:  Um, OK then...

Stella:  Hey look, it's Chris Carter!

[Joey looks. Chris Carter is sitting at a table eating a burger]

Stella:  Chris! Hi!

Chris Carter:  Hi Stella.

Joey:  Wait, wait, you know Chris Carter?

Stella:  Yeah, why?

Joey:  He makes TV shows! I act in TV shows! Do you think you could get him to give me a part?

Stella:  Probably...

Joey:  Please?

Stella:  OK, but only if you don't play Scully's boyfriend.

Joey:  Why not?

Stella:  Cos Mulder's supposed to be her boyfriend, duh!

Joey:  (confused) But he's not.

Stella:   Exactly!

Joey:  OK, whatever.

[they get their food and go over to Chris Carter]

Stella:  Hey Chris, mind if we join you?

Chris Carter:  What would you do to me if I said no?

Stella:  The same thing I did that time you wouldn't let me read the new script.

Chris Carter:  Sit down, please!

Joey:  (whispering to Stella) What did you do to him?

Stella:  Long story. So, Chris, feel like doing a favor for me?

Chris Carter:  Of course, I'll do whatever you want! Just, please, don't do anything to me!

[Stella smiles]

Scene:  The hospital. Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting in the waiting room again.

Phoebe:  (bored) There's nothing to do!

Rachel:  (annoyed) Yeah, I wonder why?!

Ross:  Guys, please don't fight! Let's, let's take a walk or something OK?

Rachel:  (skeptically) In a hospital?

Phoebe:  That's a great idea! Maybe we'll see something interesting.

Rachel:  What, like, dying people with blood squirting out of them?

Ross:  You don't have to come, you could stay here and watch "the ten best ways to cook a carrot".

Rachel:  (rushing to get up) Nonononono, I'm coming!

[they all wander off]

Scene:  Monica's hospital room. Monica is lying on the bed as Chandler enters.

Chandler:  Here's your ice chips.

Monica:  Thanks. (gulps them down) These cups are not big enough. (puts the cups on a little table next to half a dozen other cups) Oh, oh, contraction!

[Monica grabs onto Chandler's hand. He grimaces in pain]

Chandler:  OK, OK, breathe, breathe, breathe...

Monica:  I know what to do!

Chandler:  OK.

Monica:  I can't believe how much this hurts!

Chandler:  Yeah, well, there's gonna be a lot more of it.

Monica:  Don't remind me!

Chandler:  OK.

[Monica lets go of Chandler as the pain subsides. He massages his hand]

Chandler:  Could you try not to squeeze me so tight?

Monica:  Don't count on it. What you're feeling is only a tiny fraction of what I'm feeling.

Chandler:  I know, but I won't be much use to you with a broken hand.

Monica:  OK, I'll try. Oh, why can't humans just lay eggs?!

Scene:  The Burger King. Stella and Joey are still talking to Chris Carter.

Stella:  No, a guest part in one single episode is not enough.

Chris Carter:  But-

[Stella glares at him]

Chris Carter:  (reluctantly) Well, there is a recurring role that hasn't been cast yet...

Stella:  How many episodes?

Chris Carter:  Ten?

Stella:  Joey?

Joey:  Are you kidding? I'll take it!

Stella:  Thank you Chris. So, what's gonna happen in the season finale?

Chris Carter:  I'd rather not-

[Stella glares at him]

Chris Carter:  Well, Scully finds out she's pregnant...

Stella:  By Mulder?

Chris Carter:  I haven't decided yet. I was actually thinking of making it Skinner's...

Stella:  Make it Mulder's. Please, please, make it Mulder's!

Chris Carter:  I'll see what I can do.

Stella:  If it's not Mulder's I'll dangle you 2000 feet above New York by your ears.

Chris Carter:  OK...

Scene:  The hospital. Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are wandering around the hospital.

Rachel:  I'm still bored. And now my feet are getting tired.

Phoebe:  Yeah, maybe we should head back...

[suddenly Gunther walks round the corner. They crash into him]

Gunther:  Hi Rachel.

Rachel:  Gunther! What are you doing here?

Gunther:  Donating blood. I need the money to pay for my cat food. Goodbye. (leaves)

Rachel:  Oh. Bye...

Phoebe:  Hey Ross, maybe you should donate some blood.

Ross:  Oh...I dunno...

Rachel:  Oh, come on Ross, what're you afraid of?

Ross:  Um, the needle?

Rachel:  A big boy like you, scared of a needle?

Ross:  It'll hurt.

Rachel:  Ross, you are gonna go in there and you are gonna donate some blood or I am gonna divorce you!

[Rachel and Phoebe pull Ross into the blood donation room and up to the counter]

Rachel:  Hi. My husband would like to donate some blood.

Woman at Counter:  OK, fill out this form and go wait over there.

[they take the form and go over to a waiting area]

Phoebe:  Great, more waiting!

Ross:  Rach, I really don't wanna do this.

Rachel:  You don't wanna help your fellow human beings?

Ross:  No, but-

A Female Voice:  Ross?

[they turn around. It's Julie]

Rachel:  Julie?! Hi! (tries to indiscreetly make her wedding ring visible)

Julie:  What are you guys doing here?

Rachel:  Ross is gonna donate some blood.

Phoebe:  He doesn't want to.

Rachel:  But that's not gonna stop him. Right, honey?

Ross:  (grumpily) I guess.

Phoebe:  He's scared.

Julie:  There's nothing to be scared of! Just a little prick, that's all.

Cut to:  The blood donation room. Ross is sitting on a bed, holding his arm out to a nurse. He's also holding onto Rachel's hand very tight.

Ross:  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Cut to:  Monica's hospital room.

Monica:  (sitting up in bed) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Chandler:  (whose hand is being crushed to death) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Monica:  They're getting worse!

Chandler:  I can tell!

Scene:  The hospital waiting room. Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are returning.

Ross:  I feel faint.

Rachel:  They didn't take that much blood.

Ross:  Well it sure feels like they did!

[Joey and Stella arrive]

Joey: Guys, guys, guess what!

Phoebe:  What?

Joey:  I got a recurring guest role!

Rachel:  What?!

Ross:  How?!

Joey:  Well, we were in Burger King, and we saw Chris Carter!

Ross:  The Chris Carter?!

Joey:  Yeah! Anyway, it turns out that he knows Stella-

Rachel:  (to Stella) You know Chris Carter?

Stella:  (shrugging) I know a lot of people.

Joey:  So then she-

Monica:  (off screen) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Chandler:  (off screen) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Stella:  Is that Monica?

[they all go into Monica's room]

Monica:  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Joey:  Guess what, guess what!

Chandler:  What?

Rachel:  Joey got a-

Monica:  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Chandler:  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Doctor:  OK, that's enough, we're trying to get a baby out here, so everyone non-essential, out!

[everyone except Chandler (and Monica, obviously) leaves]

Doctor:  OK, OK...push!

[Monica pushes]

Doctor:  OK...and again!

[Monica pushes again]

Doctor:  I can see the head...and push!

[and Monica pushes again]

Doctor:  OK...once more!

[so Monica pushes once more. And we hear the baby crying]

Doctor:  (to Chandler) Would you like to cut the cord?

[so Chandler does]

Nurse:  Congratulations, you have a beautiful, healthy, baby boy. (wraps the baby up and hands it to Monica)

Monica:  (breaking up) I can't believe it! I have a son!

Chandler:  I know!

[they just stare at him for a while]

Monica:  I can't believe something so small can cause so much pain...

[Chandler just smiles and kisses her on the forehead]

Credits

Scene:  Monica's hospital room, a while later. The rest of the gang (including Stella) enters.

Rachel:  Hi.

Monica:  Come on in guys.

Phoebe:  So is it a boy or a girl?

Chandler:  He's a boy.

Ross:  And what did you decide on if it was a boy?

Monica:  Sam. His name is Sam. {don't ask me, I don't know why. I know what Ross and Rachel's baby is gonna be called but "Sam" just came into my head and I took it. At least I didn't call him Terrence}

All:  Hi Sam!

[they all stare at him for a while]

Stella:  (thoughtfully) I know a transvestite named Sam.

[everyone stares at her]

Stella:  What?!

The End

Well, that turned out better than I thought it would, I must say. It was really hard to find things for them all to do in a hospital. But it was still a bit short. What do you guys think of it? Feedback is always welcome, even if it's negative!