Written by: The Teenage Friends Freak
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Note: This fanfic takes place a few days after my last fanfic, The One Where Phoebe's In Trouble
Scene: Central Perk. Everyone except Rachel is there. Stella enters.
Stella: (out of breath) Rachel...having...contractions...get...hospital...(runs back out the door)
[everyone looks at each other]
Ross: (after a pause) Oh my God!
Credits
Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Stella is playing on a laptop computer. The others come rushing in.
Ross: OK honey, don't worry, I've called a cab, it should be here any minute.
Phoebe: Don't worry, we're all here.
Ross: Here, let me help you up.
Rachel: Guys, what's going on?!
Monica: Stella came down to-
[Stella starts snickering]
Monica: (realizes) Noooo...
Stella: (laughing) You guys are so gullible!
Ross: Joey, could you cancel the cabs? (sits down on the couch) Stella, you should not have done that.
Stella: Oh come on, it's just a bit of fun!
Joey: (on phone) Yeah, we don't need them anymore.
Monica: Uh-oh.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Let's put it this way: we do need the cabs.
Joey: But Rachel's not- (pause) Ohhh...
Scene: The hospital. Stella comes rushing in and goes to the desk.
Stella: Hi.
Nurse: Hello.
Stella: My cousin's husband's sister is having a baby.
[the others come round the corner]
Stella: And here they are.
Ross: Well?
Nurse: (sees that there are two pregnant women {you can't tell that Phoebe's pregnant yet}) Which one is the husband's...sister's...cousin?
Monica: Owowowowowowowowowow!
Nurse: Ah. Through there.
Stella: Thanks.
[they all go into a delivery room except Stella, who stays to give Monica's details. Monica sits on the bed]
Monica: Do I have to lie down?! Oh, oh, another one! (goes all tense)
[everyone waits for the contraction to pass]
Monica: OK, I do.
[Monica's doctor enters]
Doctor: Well, how are we doing?
Monica: I don't know, you're the doctor aren't you?
Doctor: How far apart are the contractions?
Chandler: They're every four and a half minutes and last 57 seconds.
Doctor: OK then.
[Stella enters]
Stella: My teacher wants to know how long this is gonna take. Hi Scott!
Doctor: Hi Stella. It'll take a few hours at least.
Stella: Cool, no school! (exits)
Rachel: You know her?!
Doctor: Yeah, everyone knows Stella.
Rachel: Figures.
Doctor: (to Monica) Well, I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing. (leaves)
Monica: Oh my God, I'm gonna have a baby!
Chandler: Hey, it's mine too!
Rachel: Are you nervous?
Monica: I am now, thanks to you!
Rachel: Why, what did I do?
Monica: You asked me if I was nervous!
Rachel: Um, I'm gonna see what Stella's doing.
Ross&Joey&Phoebe: Yeah/me too/etc.
[everyone except Chandler and Monica leaves]
Chandler: So, are you nervous?
Monica: Most nervous I've ever been in my life. You?
Chandler: Scared as hell.
Scene: The waiting room. Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe and Stella are there.
Stella: I'm bored.
Joey: Yeah, me too.
Stella: What are we supposed to be doing during all these hours, anyway?
Ross: Waiting.
Stella: Why? There should be something for us to do!
Rachel: There's the television...
Stella: (sarcastically) Yeah, I love watching the cooking channel!
Phoebe: I could play us a song.
Stella: You don't have your guitar.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Stella: I'm going to that Burger King across the street. Joey, d'you wanna come?
Joey: Ya-huh!
Rachel: Stella, you can't just leave!
Stella: I'm only going across the street.
Rachel: But, but what if Monica wants to see you?
Stella: Me? I don't think so. Anyway I've got my cellphone. Call me when it's over.
[Stella and Joey leave. There is a long pause]
Rachel: So, what are we gonna do?
Ross: Wait?
Phoebe: Waiting's boring.
Ross: There's not much else we can do.
Rachel: There's a foosball table over there...
[Rachel and Phoebe look at each other]
Cut to: The foosball table. Rachel and Phoebe are...playing. Sort of. They're both trying to lift the table up so that the ball rolls down. Ross is trying to stop them.
Phoebe: You're cheating!
Rachel: Yeah, well, so are you!
Ross: Guys, guys, stop it!
Rachel: No, I'm winning!
Phoebe: Not if I can help it!
[they continue wrestling with the table. It breaks. Rachel and Phoebe quickly turn away and act all innocent]
Rachel: (quietly) Look what you did.
Phoebe: (equally quiet) It was you.
Scene: The Burger King across the street. Joey and Stella enter and go to the counter.
Joey: Hi, I'd like one of everything.
Stella: I'll have two of everything.
Joey: Um, yeah, me too.
Dorky Burger King Guy: What do you mean?
Stella: Two of every kind of food and drink, you dork! {I know no-one actually says that except me, but it is me who's writing this fanfic, after all}
D.B.K.G.: Um, OK then...
Stella: Hey look, it's Chris Carter!
[Joey looks. Chris Carter is sitting at a table eating a burger]
Stella: Chris! Hi!
Chris Carter: Hi Stella.
Joey: Wait, wait, you know Chris Carter?
Stella: Yeah, why?
Joey: He makes TV shows! I act in TV shows! Do you think you could get him to give me a part?
Stella: Probably...
Joey: Please?
Stella: OK, but only if you don't play Scully's boyfriend.
Joey: Why not?
Stella: Cos Mulder's supposed to be her boyfriend, duh!
Joey: (confused) But he's not.
Stella: Exactly!
Joey: OK, whatever.
[they get their food and go over to Chris Carter]
Stella: Hey Chris, mind if we join you?
Chris Carter: What would you do to me if I said no?
Stella: The same thing I did that time you wouldn't let me read the new script.
Chris Carter: Sit down, please!
Joey: (whispering to Stella) What did you do to him?
Stella: Long story. So, Chris, feel like doing a favor for me?
Chris Carter: Of course, I'll do whatever you want! Just, please, don't do anything to me!
[Stella smiles]
Scene: The hospital. Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting in the waiting room again.
Phoebe: (bored) There's nothing to do!
Rachel: (annoyed) Yeah, I wonder why?!
Ross: Guys, please don't fight! Let's, let's take a walk or something OK?
Rachel: (skeptically) In a hospital?
Phoebe: That's a great idea! Maybe we'll see something interesting.
Rachel: What, like, dying people with blood squirting out of them?
Ross: You don't have to come, you could stay here and watch "the ten best ways to cook a carrot".
Rachel: (rushing to get up) Nonononono, I'm coming!
[they all wander off]
Scene: Monica's hospital room. Monica is lying on the bed as Chandler enters.
Chandler: Here's your ice chips.
Monica: Thanks. (gulps them down) These cups are not big enough. (puts the cups on a little table next to half a dozen other cups) Oh, oh, contraction!
[Monica grabs onto Chandler's hand. He grimaces in pain]
Chandler: OK, OK, breathe, breathe, breathe...
Monica: I know what to do!
Chandler: OK.
Monica: I can't believe how much this hurts!
Chandler: Yeah, well, there's gonna be a lot more of it.
Monica: Don't remind me!
Chandler: OK.
[Monica lets go of Chandler as the pain subsides. He massages his hand]
Chandler: Could you try not to squeeze me so tight?
Monica: Don't count on it. What you're feeling is only a tiny fraction of what I'm feeling.
Chandler: I know, but I won't be much use to you with a broken hand.
Monica: OK, I'll try. Oh, why can't humans just lay eggs?!
Scene: The Burger King. Stella and Joey are still talking to Chris Carter.
Stella: No, a guest part in one single episode is not enough.
Chris Carter: But-
[Stella glares at him]
Chris Carter: (reluctantly) Well, there is a recurring role that hasn't been cast yet...
Stella: How many episodes?
Chris Carter: Ten?
Stella: Joey?
Joey: Are you kidding? I'll take it!
Stella: Thank you Chris. So, what's gonna happen in the season finale?
Chris Carter: I'd rather not-
[Stella glares at him]
Chris Carter: Well, Scully finds out she's pregnant...
Stella: By Mulder?
Chris Carter: I haven't decided yet. I was actually thinking of making it Skinner's...
Stella: Make it Mulder's. Please, please, make it Mulder's!
Chris Carter: I'll see what I can do.
Stella: If it's not Mulder's I'll dangle you 2000 feet above New York by your ears.
Chris Carter: OK...
Scene: The hospital. Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are wandering around the hospital.
Rachel: I'm still bored. And now my feet are getting tired.
Phoebe: Yeah, maybe we should head back...
[suddenly Gunther walks round the corner. They crash into him]
Gunther: Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Gunther! What are you doing here?
Gunther: Donating blood. I need the money to pay for my cat food. Goodbye. (leaves)
Rachel: Oh. Bye...
Phoebe: Hey Ross, maybe you should donate some blood.
Ross: Oh...I dunno...
Rachel: Oh, come on Ross, what're you afraid of?
Ross: Um, the needle?
Rachel: A big boy like you, scared of a needle?
Ross: It'll hurt.
Rachel: Ross, you are gonna go in there and you are gonna donate some blood or I am gonna divorce you!
[Rachel and Phoebe pull Ross into the blood donation room and up to the counter]
Rachel: Hi. My husband would like to donate some blood.
Woman at Counter: OK, fill out this form and go wait over there.
[they take the form and go over to a waiting area]
Phoebe: Great, more waiting!
Ross: Rach, I really don't wanna do this.
Rachel: You don't wanna help your fellow human beings?
Ross: No, but-
A Female Voice: Ross?
[they turn around. It's Julie]
Rachel: Julie?! Hi! (tries to indiscreetly make her wedding ring visible)
Julie: What are you guys doing here?
Rachel: Ross is gonna donate some blood.
Phoebe: He doesn't want to.
Rachel: But that's not gonna stop him. Right, honey?
Ross: (grumpily) I guess.
Phoebe: He's scared.
Julie: There's nothing to be scared of! Just a little prick, that's all.
Cut to: The blood donation room. Ross is sitting on a bed, holding his arm out to a nurse. He's also holding onto Rachel's hand very tight.
Ross: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Cut to: Monica's hospital room.
Monica: (sitting up in bed) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Chandler: (whose hand is being crushed to death) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Monica: They're getting worse!
Chandler: I can tell!
Scene: The hospital waiting room. Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are returning.
Ross: I feel faint.
Rachel: They didn't take that much blood.
Ross: Well it sure feels like they did!
[Joey and Stella arrive]
Joey: Guys, guys, guess what!
Phoebe: What?
Joey: I got a recurring guest role!
Rachel: What?!
Ross: How?!
Joey: Well, we were in Burger King, and we saw Chris Carter!
Ross: The Chris Carter?!
Joey: Yeah! Anyway, it turns out that he knows Stella-
Rachel: (to Stella) You know Chris Carter?
Stella: (shrugging) I know a lot of people.
Joey: So then she-
Monica: (off screen) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Chandler: (off screen) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Stella: Is that Monica?
[they all go into Monica's room]
Monica: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Joey: Guess what, guess what!
Chandler: What?
Rachel: Joey got a-
Monica: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Chandler: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Doctor: OK, that's enough, we're trying to get a baby out here, so everyone non-essential, out!
[everyone except Chandler (and Monica, obviously) leaves]
Doctor: OK, OK...push!
[Monica pushes]
Doctor: OK...and again!
[Monica pushes again]
Doctor: I can see the head...and push!
[and Monica pushes again]
Doctor: OK...once more!
[so Monica pushes once more. And we hear the baby crying]
Doctor: (to Chandler) Would you like to cut the cord?
[so Chandler does]
Nurse: Congratulations, you have a beautiful, healthy, baby boy. (wraps the baby up and hands it to Monica)
Monica: (breaking up) I can't believe it! I have a son!
Chandler: I know!
[they just stare at him for a while]
Monica: I can't believe something so small can cause so much pain...
[Chandler just smiles and kisses her on the forehead]
Credits
Scene: Monica's hospital room, a while later. The rest of the gang (including Stella) enters.
Rachel: Hi.
Monica: Come on in guys.
Phoebe: So is it a boy or a girl?
Chandler: He's a boy.
Ross: And what did you decide on if it was a boy?
Monica: Sam. His name is Sam. {don't ask me, I don't know why. I know what Ross and Rachel's baby is gonna be called but "Sam" just came into my head and I took it. At least I didn't call him Terrence}
All: Hi Sam!
[they all stare at him for a while]
Stella: (thoughtfully) I know a transvestite named Sam.
[everyone stares at her]
Stella: What?!
The End
Well, that turned out better than I thought it would, I must say. It was really hard to
find things for them all to do in a hospital. But it was still a bit short. What do you
guys think of it? Feedback is always welcome, even if it's negative!