The One With the Arthropod Girl
Written by: Jennifer
(Scene: Chandler and Joey's. Joey enters from bedroom. Chandler is drinking coffee.)
CHANDLER: Hey. Did you ever have a dream that you were the most desirable guy in NY?
JOEY: Are you kidding? I live that dream! Why?
CHANDLER: Last night, I had a dream that all my ex-girlfriends were fighting over me...
JOEY: ALL your ex-girlfriends?
CHANDLER: Well, Janice, Cathy and Leslie from Junior High with the big eyes.
JOEY: Well, who won?
CHANDLER: Well, I woke up just as Cathy was getting ready to throw a right hook, so I think she won.
JOEY: Are you crazy? That was all Janice.
CHANDLER: You think so?
JOEY: Oh, yea. All she'd have to do is laugh. That'd send ME running for the hills!
(Scene: Rachel and Monica's. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are eating breakfast.)
ROSS: (entering, sadly) Hi.
MONICA: Are you still thinking about Emily? (She gets up to the sink.)
ROSS: Is it that obvious? (Collapses into Monica's chair, letting his head smash into the table.) Ow! Oww...
JOEY: Look, Ross, it's over. Remember, grabbing a spoon?
ROSS: Hey, Joe, why don't you grab my...
MONICA: Okay! Look, we all understand how you feel, but it's been three weeks. I mean, maybe you should...(confused, looks at Joey)...grabbing a spoon?
PHOEBE: No, Ross, there is only one way for you to get over Emily.
ROSS: (whining) I don't wanna get over Emily! I love Emily!
PHOEBE: No, that's not it. Look, the key is to imagine she's just the biggest bitch ever, and just keep telling yourself you hate her until you do.
JOEY: Imagine? (laughs, then, when Ross gives him a look, changes the subject)...or, you could just sleep with somebody else.
ROSS: You know, Joe, from my past experience, sleeping with other women hasn't always been the best thing to do.
RACHEL: (entering from bedroom) Good morning.
JOEY: Oh. (to Ross, whispering) The Rachel thing, right? (Ross nods.) Gotcha.
RACHEL: (to Ross) Hi.
ROSS: Uh, hello.
PHOEBE: Hey you know what? Maybe Joey's right. Forget the bitch thing. You should just sleep with Rachel.
(General exclamations of "Phoebe!" "What?!")
RACHEL: Pheebs, there's nothing between me and Ross!
PHOEBE: If you were a good friend, you would sleep with him to help him get over Emily.
RACHEL: Well, if you're such a good friend, why don't you sleep with him?
PHOEBE: (indicating her stomach) Duh! Besides, you already have. It's no big deal.
ROSS: Uh,...I think it is a big deal.
PHOEBE: Fine, I was just trying to help. (She gets up to leave.) But you guys are still lobsters.
JOEY: I could go for lobsters!
(Scene: Museum. Ross is fiddling with a display case and looking depressed.)
A WOMAN: Excuse me?
ROSS: (doesn't turn) Yea?
WOMAN: Could you show me the way to the Arthropod Room?
ROSS: Yea, you make a ri.i.i..(turns and sees her, she is beautiful.)...r.i.i....
ROSS: That would be it. Yes. (She laughs.) At the end of this hall.
WOMAN: Thanks. I've seen you here before. I'm Leslie.
ROSS: Ross. (goes to shake her hand, but instead, extends a dinosaur bone) Oh, my bone. (he throws it down)
(Cut to: Chandler and Joey's)
CHANDLER: "Excuse me, could you show me the way to the ARTHROPOD ROOM?" That
was her line?!
ROSS: Yu huh.
JOEY: What the hell is an arthropod??
ROSS: Well, it's a creature with...
JOEY: Whoa, whoa, didn't ask you to explain!
CHANDLER: So you talked to her after that? She sounds like a total...
CHANDLER: Not exactly the word I was searching for, but thank you, Joe.
ROSS: Not only is she not a "nerdgirl", she's smart, beautiful, funny...
CHANDLER: Someone forgot about Emily pretty fast.
ROSS: Hey, I'm...I'm grabbing a spoon!
CHANDLER: Oh, we're back to that lovely phrase.
ROSS: Look, I'm moving on. I thought that's what you guys wanted.
CHANDLER: We do, but you shouldn't just jump into bed with someone you don't know on the rebound like this, you know? I mean...what am I saying? I have definitely been watching too much Oprah. Go for it, man!
ROSS: Okay, and you know, after our date tonight, I'm going to bring her by the coffee house, so you guys can meet her. (starts to leave)
JOEY: Hey, Ross?
JOEY: Can I call her "Arthropod Girl"? (Ross slams door.)
CHANDLER: I think that means yes!
(Scene: Rachel and Monica's. Rachel is eating ice cream by herself.)
RACHEL: (after a knock on the door) Come in!
FRANK: Oh, hi, is Phoebe here?
RACHEL: No, I think she's downstairs doing laundry with Monica.
FRANK: Oh, ok, thanks. (starts to leave then turns back) What's the matter with you?
RACHEL: Oh, nothing. My life just pretty much sucks is all.
FRANK: Oh, that's too bad. You want one of my babies? I got three coming.
RACHEL: Thanks anyway, but I'm okay.
FRANK: All right, just trying to be generous. (leaves)
RACHEL: I should've taken one. (a beeper goes off on the table) Oh, Ross left his beeper here. (she starts pressing buttons) Oh, that's bad! Where'd you go little numbers?
ROSS: (entering. Rachel throws beeper on table) Hey is my beeper here?
RACHEL: Yup, right...right there. On the table. Untouched.
ROSS: Did it go off...
RACHEL: Nope, not even once.
ROSS: Okay thanks, Rach. See you later. (leaves)
RACHEL: I hope that wasn't important!
FRANK: (poking his head in the door) Phoebe told me to tell you I was only kidding about
RACHEL: I know, sweetie.
FRANK: See, I told ya she knew...(leaves)
(Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are waiting for Ross. Phoebe is singing.)
PHOEBE: "Oh, my babies are coming, but they're not really mine. They belong to my brother..and I don't have a rhyme! La, la la la,la la, la, la la...."
MONICA: So who is this girl?
JOEY: She's nerdier than Ross, likes museums and she's got better boobs than Rachel! She's...(beckons to Chandler)...
CHANDLER AND JOEY: ARTHROPOD GIRL!
RACHEL: Excuse me?
JOEY: Sorry, I needed three things, like Superman!
ROSS: (entering, to Leslie) Well, here we are.
CHANDLER: Oh, my God! (pulls Joey away from the couch)
JOEY: What are you doing?
CHANDLER: That's her!
CHANDLER: No, no. Leslie!
JOEY: But Arthropod girl is more fun!
CHANDLER: No, Leslie, from Junior High. With the big eyes. Remember my dream?
JOEY: Oh, yea...no.
CHANDLER: I went out with her in 8th grade!
JOEY: Oh. So?
CHANDLER: So she cheated on me with Brett Statler, and I'll never forget it. She was making a speech at an assembly and when she finished, she yelled out to the whole school,"CHANDLER BING IS A LOSER!"
JOEY: Tough break, man.
CHANDLER: What if she does the same thing to Ross?
JOEY: When is she gonna be at another assembly?
CHANDLER: No! What if she cheats on Ross?
LESLIE: Is that Chandler Bing?
LESLIE: It is you! Oh my God!
JOEY: (to Chandler) You can't get away from that. How does she laugh?
ROSS: You two know each other?
LESLIE: Know each other? Chandler was the first guy I ever kissed.
LESLIE: We dated in the 8th grade.
CHANDLER: Yea, we did didn't we?
LESLIE: How are you?
CHANDLER: I'm good. You? BRETT??
LESLIE: Oh, Channy, you're not still gonna hold me to that?
JOEY: (to Chandler) Channy?!
CHANDLER: (to Joey) It was Junior High!
LESLIE: Let's let bygones be bygones, okay?
JOEY: You do have big eyes!
ROSS: (beeper goes off) Oh, could you just wait one second? That's work.
LESLIE: Sure. (sits down next to Monica)
MONICA: So, what do you do?
LESLIE: I'm a history teacher.
PHOEBE: Really? I like history!
LESLIE: What kind? American? European?
PHOEBE: Oh, I mean like yesterday, so...not the same.
LESLIE: So, Chandler, where did you end up?
CHANDLER: Umm, right here.
LESLIE: I mean, what do you do?
JOEY: He does the WENUS.
CHANDLER: Thanks, Joe. I can take it from here.
ROSS: (on phone) Charlie, I never got that beep... Yea, I'm looking at it right now, and it's not here.
RACHEL: Well, that's my cue. (runs to the bathroom)
ROSS: (on phone) Char...well, I'm sorry....What are you saying?...I'm fi...Charlie, how was I...No, I...Hello?...Hello?!
MONICA: What happened?
ROSS: I just got fired.
(Cut to: Central Perk, 10 minutes later)
CHANDLER: Well, what did he say?
ROSS: He said I wasn't responsible. There was a really important meeting and...I didn't get the beep!
RACHEL: (entering from bathroom) What happened?
LESLIE: Ross, if you wanna do this another night...
ROSS: Ok, see ya. (leaves)
RACHEL: (follows him outside) Ross? What happened?!
ROSS: I got fired.
RACHEL: Is it because of...umm, the beeper thing?
ROSS: Yea, why?
RACHEL: Well, I kind of...umm, erased it.
ROSS: What?? Rachel,do you...do you know how important that beep was?
RACHEL: Yes, and I'm...
ROSS: No! No! You don't know! You couldn't possibly know, because you don't know what it's like to go into work everyday and really love what you're doing. And, even though people say you're a nerd and you're a geek, it doesn't matter, because you love it. And now everything is gone! It's all gone!
RACHEL: Ross, I didn't know what it...
ROSS: No...I can't talk to you right now. (leaves)
RACHEL: (crying) Oh, my God.
MONICA: (entering) What happened?
RACHEL: He hates me.
(Scene: Ross'. He is laying on his couch, drinking a beer.)
ROSS: (to a knock at the door) Come on in!
CHANDLER: (enters with Joey) Hey, buddy. What's happening? (thinks about what he said) Oh, God!
ROSS: I'm drunk and unemployed.
JOEY: Hey, (cracking open a beer) I'm halfway there too.
CHANDLER: (sits down next to him) Ross, you gotta stop this. Just go back to the Museum and explain to them that you never got the beep.
ROSS: No, cause you know what? I did get the beep, and if Rachel wasn't so irresponsible, I'd probably be at work right now.
JOEY: Well, maybe if you didn't leave your beeper at her place, this all wouldn't have happened. If you ask me, you're the one who's irresponsible.
ROSS: Hey, Joe? Why don't you get out of my apartment, okay?
CHANDLER: He's right. You can't blame Rachel forever for this.
ROSS: Oh, I can't?
CHANDLER: Well, you can...Joey?
JOEY: Well, who are you gonna hang out with now?
ROSS: Well, you guys, because I know you wouldn't choose Rachel over me, right? (sitting up, very anxious) I am right, aren't I guys?
CHANDLER: Sure, sure. (pats his head) It's ok, honey.
(Scene: Museum. Rachel is coming out of Charlie's office.)
RACHEL: Thank you so much
CHARLIE: No problem. Tell Ross to call me whenever he's got a chance, and he can come back whenever he's ready. (goes back in office)
RACHEL: Hi! I just talked to...
ROSS: What are you doing here?
RACHEL: Well, I...I got you your job back.
ROSS: Rach, I'm...I'm so sorry. I mean, I completely overreacted and...
RACHEL: That's okay, Ross. I understand. I mean, you were right, I never had a job that I really had a passion for.
ROSS: Even so, it was wrong of me to yell at you and I'm sorry.
RACHEL: Well, you can go in and talk to Charlie. He said he's ready to give you your job back.
ROSS: Well, you know what? You wanna...you wanna get some coffee?
ROSS: I have all day to get my job back. We never get to spend time together anymore.
RACHEL: Yea, okay. We should cause...we're lobsters. (They laugh and leave together.)
(Credits Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe and Leslie are talking.)
LESLIE: And then in 6th grade, he wet his pants at his best friends sleepover.
MONICA: (taking notes on a napkin) This stuff is gold!
PHOEBE: What else?
LESLIE: Well, when he was 12, he asked this girl, Jessica Patrick, to go to the movies, and she turned him down because he had a little piece of brownie stuck to his tooth.
PHOEBE: Oh, I hate that!
LESLIE: Then in 8th grade, I called him a loser at a school assembly! (laughs but they just stare at her) What?
MONICA: An assembly?!
PHOEBE: You cold, wicked girl!