Written by Sammy
This takes place on April 1. This would run instead of TOW Rachel's
Inadvertent Kiss, then that would run the next week. Please send me feedback
even if you think it sucked and remember that this is my first fanfic.
Scene: the boys' apartment. There are boxes piled everywhere. Chandler is at his computer with his head down on some forms, sleeping. Monica enters.
Monica: (pokes Chandler) Wake up. Happy April Fool's Day. Hey, what's wrong with you? We were supposed to go out last night. (notices boxes) Oh my God, are you moving?
Chandler: (sleepy) No, not moving. Doing everybody's taxes. It's getting close to the fifteenth again. (author's note-I know Chandler isn't an accountant, but he is a data processor and that's math. besides, he strikes me as the kind of guy who'd be doing his friends' taxes for them)
Monica: Oh, that reminds me. I forgot to give you my receipts for this year. (Goes out the door and comes back with packets of receipts in pristine condition. They are not crumpled or folded or rolled. They also have those binder things around them like you always see around money in movies. She hands them to Chandler one packet at a time.) Ok, these are food, these are clothes, this is miscellaneous, and these receipts are my deductibles.
(author's note-I don't really know what you need to do taxes, so I'm fakin' it)
Chandler: (in all seriousness) I love you. And now I'm going back to sleep. By the way, Ross asked me to tell you that your mother called and wants to have both of you over for lunch today because he has to baby-sit Ben and won't have a chance to tell you himself. And cause he figured you'd take it better coming from me than him. And to get me back for everything I've ever done to him and leave a little left over in case I do anything else.
Monica: Yeah right, Bing. I know what day today is. There's no way Mom wants us both to come over right out of the blue like that. You can't fool me.
Chandler: I guess you're just too smart for me. (Ross enters)
Ross: Oh Chandler, you don't have to tell Mon about Mom today after all, it turns out that Susan and Carol are going out next week. Also, I decided to forgive you. By the way, did you finish my taxes yet? (notices Monica) Oh, hi Monica. So Mom wants us both to come over for lunch, kay? Okay bye.
(makes a hasty retreat)
Chandler: (looks at Monica) Yep, can't fool you. You're too smart for me.
Credits, song, you know the deal.
Scene: Central Perk: Rachel and Phoebe are there. Rachel looks depressed and Phoebe looks silly happy. Chandler, Monica, and Ross enter. Chandler looks like dead man walking. He plods over to the couch and sits down; falls asleep immediately.
Phoebe: God, Rachel, what's wrong with you? Why do you look so sad and sprogey?
Rachel: I don't know, I just feel depressed. Why do you look so happy?
Phoebe: Oh, I was just thinking about Gary. We're going out again tonight.
Rachel: Pheebs that's it! I need a guy! That's why I've been depressed.
Phoebe: Oooh, do you want to go clubbing today? We can get guys for both of us!
Rachel: Honey, you have a boyfriend, remember?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Well, but we can still go clubbing. I just won't pick anybody up. I'll be your moral support.
Joey walks in. And he's completely bald. Imagine the audience's reaction.
Joey: Hey guys.
Monica: (pokes Chandler) Oh my God, wake up! Joey's completely bald!
Chandler: (mutters, with eyes closed) Nope, not fooling me that easily. I'm not getting up.
Monica: Chandler! If I'm not telling the truth, tonight you can (whispers in his ear)
Chandler: (jumps up) And suddenly I'm awake! (Notices Joey) What the hell happened to you? Did you lose a bet?
Joey: Go ahead, laugh, make jokes. This my man, is the new look!
Chandler: Dude, remember when you thought feathers were the new look? Every girl you propositioned got a restraining order against you!
Joey: That's not going to happen this time. I got it all figured out. Woman feel sorry for bald guys. They figure they never get dates, so they give them pity dates. This way, I get more dates and once they get addicted to the Joey love, they'll never want to leave!
Ross: Joey? Uh, what happens when the women find out you're not really bald?
Joey: (looks deep) I don't really know...
Chandler: Joe, would you say that I'm the kinda guy, women look at me and they instinctively know that I don't get many dates?
Joey: Of course not, man! (beat) Well, yeah, yeah ya are.
Chandler: Did the fact that I didn't get dates ever get me any dates?
Phoebe: Duh, silly, that's cause you were doing the pity thing wrong! Joey, me and Rachel are going clubbing today, you can come and I'll teach you how to use the pity.
Chandler: Hey! How come you never taught me how to use the pity?
Phoebe: (says this like it's excruciatingly obvious) Cause you were born in the month of the bongos! And cause you never asked. Oh, and before I forget, did you bring my taxes?
Joey: Yeah, can I have mine?
Rachel: I wouldn't mind having mine done early for once in my life. Do you have them?
Ross: Dude, have you got mine?
Chandler: (testily) No.
Rachel: What? No joke? No wisecrack? No, "yeah, I brought the invisible tax returns, everybody grab theirs?" (laughs, and everybody stares at her) Y'know, it just doesn't work when I do it.
Chandler: I'm too exhausted and irritable. If you want to come back after I've taken a nap, I can say something sarcastic for ya.
Rachel: Well, we'll just be on the edge of our seats until then. (looks around) Still nothing, huh?
Monica: Well, I'm not going to be around then. Guess I'll just have to go on without your witty remark.
Chandler: Well, just get something from Rachel, it's basically the same effect.
(everyone laughs and Rachel looks frustrated.)
Joey: Where you going?
Monica: I have to have lunch with Mom and Dad. Ross is coming too. I can't believe I have to waste half my day listening to her bitch about my life.
Phoebe: Mon, you should be looking forward to this!
Rachel: Because! You can tell your mother you have a boyfriend, you have a job, everything is great!
Monica: Yeah! Ross is on sabbatical, and he can't even get a date!
Ross: Thanks, Mon.
Monica: There's nothing she can criticize me for!
Cut to: Ross' and Monica's parents' house. They are all eating and Judy (their mom) is lecturing Monica.
Judy: So all this was happening to Ross, the divorce and his job, and you didn't help him out? What, were you too busy with your boyfriend and your job? Everything's great, and you can't spare a little time to help your own brother? What is the matter with you? Sweetie, don't bite your nails.
Jack: Now, Judy, I'm sure our little Harmonica's been-
They argue back and forth. Finally Monica can't take any more.
Monica: Stop! Everybody, just stop it! Mom, I'm happy. Why can't you be happy for me? I love my job, I love my boyfriend, why do you always have to find something to criticize me about?
Ross: Yeah! I mean, uh, she, she's happy and my problems aren't, uh, aren't her fault. They're my fault. And, uh, and my high-strung co-workers' fault.
Monica: Mom, you told me to find somebody, and I did. You told me to find a job, and I did. What does it take to make you happy for me?
Judy: Honey, I am happy for you! I always have been! I just try to make you happier. I just try to help.
Monica: But when you "help" me you make me miserable! You make me feel like I'm doing something wrong, like there's nothing I can do to make you stop bitching at me all the time! You are just like Nana was to you when you were growing up! Don't you get it? I hate you! You make me feel so...(notices everyone is staring at her)...that is, uh...what I meant to say is...um...April Fool's! (says this with a big smile and her fake laugh)
Judy: Well! I had no idea that you felt this way. I guess I've been making you miserable your whole life. I'm sorry that you had to come here. I just wanted to know what was going on with both of you. I think I'll excuse myself from the table, I've got a sudden headache.
Ross: Mom! Wait don't go...we want you to stay and eat with us, right Mon?
Monica: Yeah! You need to stay, and we'll talk about this, we can talk about this...(trails off as Judy brushes past her with her head held high)
if there were commercials, i'd probably put some herescene: a club/bar somewhere (author's note-I am only 15 and i've never been inside one of these places, so i don't know protocol, or what it's like when it's not night, so I'm faking it.) anyway, Phoebe is teaching Joey how to use the pity (remember, he's bald) and Rachel is out somewhere looking for a guy.
Phoebe: Okay, now, let's see your puppy dog face. (Joey does his puppy dog face, you know what it looks like. It looks really funny, cause he's bald now) No, no, no! All wrong! Open those eyes wider. (she demonstrates, which looks really funny cause she always has her eyes open real wide) Move those eyebrows more! Quiver that lower lip!
Joey: Like this? (He opens his eyes real wide, like he did when he figured out about C&M or when he had that dream about Monica. Then he squinches his eyebrows really close, still keeping his eyes open as wide as he can. Finally, he does the about-to-cry quivering lip thing. He looks very funny. He does not look like he's pouting, however, because of the open eyes thing. Now, go make that face in the mirror and keep the eyes open. It looks very...interesting. If you do it long enough, you'll be glaring. And of course, on Joey it looks even funnier, cause he's bald.)
Phoebe: Oooh, that's perfect!
Joey: Uh, Pheebs? Before my face sticks this way forever, I got to tell you that I'm not really bald. See? (reaches to his head and peels off one of those rubber bald things. they use them on Saturday Night Live, you know what I mean) This whole thing was a joke on Chandler to get him back for last year!
Phoebe: (mad) Why didn't you tell me before I taught you how to use the pity?
Joey: Because Rachel was there, and she scares me. Also, she'd run and tell Monica, and then Monica would tell Chandler!
Phoebe: Yeah, and that's great and everything, but now you know how to use the pity! (hits him like she did Frank Jr. in TOW Frank Jr.) The union will never forgive me! Oh, quick put your head back on, Rachel's coming! (Joey scrambles to get his "skin") Hah, April Fool's! Wait, she's really coming now! I swear it! (Joey grabs for it again) God, you are so gullible. Op, wait, she's really and truly coming now! I swear! (repeat performance) I can't believe you fell for it again.
Joey: All right, very funny Pheebs. You-
Phoebe: Hey, here comes Rachel.
Joey: You must think I'm really stupid. There's no way I'm falling for that again.(Rachel walks up to them, natch)
Rachel: Hey guys, I just met this really great guy, and Joey's not really bald and-
Joey: No! It's a wig until my hair grows back, cause the pity wasn't workin'! (Rachel, stares at him hard) All right! I'm doin' this to get Chandler back for last year.
Rachel: Wha'd he do last year?
Joey: He filled all my socks with shaving cream! (beat) and it wasn't even April Fool's Day! Please, please don't tell Monica! She'll tell Chandler! And don't tell Ross either, just for good measure.
Rachel: Okay, don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.
Joey: All right. So, tell us about this guy!
cut to Jack and Judy's house. Monica is pacing back and forth by the table. Ross is sitting at the table. Jack and Judy aren't around.
Monica: Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God! How could I
say things like that to my mother?
Monica: It's a rhetorical question, Ross! I don't hate her, I just wish she could be a little supportive once in a while! I just wish she didn't have to criticize me when I'm not doing anything wrong! I just wish she wasn't such a bitch!
Ross: Oh, no, you don't hate her...
Monica: Shut up, Ross! I'm sorry, I'm just a little...exhausted and irritable right now. I need ice cream.
Ross: No, Mon, no ice cream. You don't wanna regress into your old habits, do you?
Monica: You're right, I don't need ice cream, I need to talk to her, apologize, explain why I got so mad! I'm still mad! She should apologize to me! (pauses, reflects) This could take awhile. (Judy enters) (angrily) Mom, you...you...you...(anger fades)...heard everything I said, didn't you?
Judy: Yes, and, oh sweetie, I'm just so concerned! (Monica smiles)
Judy: Well, of course! I mean, you shouldn't ever eat ice cream, you might have a relapse of your high school years!
(Monica throws her hands up in the air with an exasperated expression. Then she smiles wryly, resigned to putting up with her mother forever yet relieved that she seems to have forgiven and forgotten the episode at dinner)
should commercial breaks be existant, i'd put one here, too.
scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. The whole gang is there except Chandler. Joey is about to reveal the joke he's playing on Chandler.
Joey: ...So, anyway, they were full of shaving cream! And it wasn't even April Fool's Day! But this year, I'm ready for him. I'm about to get my revenge. See? (he removes the top of his head) I'm not really bald! (puts it back on, chorus of "Wow, Joey!" "That's great!" "You're really going to get him!" etcetera, etcetera.)
Chandler: (waltzes in with some forms. oh, and by the by, now he's completely bald!) Hello, all my little ones! Ross, got your taxes done, man! And I'm almost done with everybody else's too! So, y'know, I'm no longer exhausted and irritable. Now, nobody came down after my nap to see what I would have said this morning, and you're all staring at me and I'd like to know why.
Joey: Dude! You're totally bald!
Chandler: Yeah, man it's the new look, right? Anyway, so I thought about it, and I decided on-
Joey: No, it's not the new look! I'm not really bald! Do you think I'd ever shave my head? I was just getting you back for the time you put shaving cream in my socks! Oh, man, I'm really really sorry! I mean, poor Monica! All you had was your hair!
Chandler: What? You're not really bald?
Joey: No! You actually think I'd ever settle for pity dates? Look! (takes off the top of his head) (practically sobs) I've totally got hair, man!
Chandler: Really? That's a coincidence, cause so do I! (rips off the top of his head, he has hair) Nnyaa ha ha ha ha ha! I am the king! Never mess with the king of April Fool's Day jokes!
Chandler has finished with everybody's taxes, and there's still boxes everywhere. Both boys are there.
Joey: Man, now that you're done with everybody's taxes, what are we supposed to do with all these boxes?
Chandler: I think both of us know the answer to that, my friend. (claps Joey on the shoulder)
cut to: later. Obviously, they have built a rather intricate fort.
Joey: (whiny) Dude! We need more boxes! Our fort's still too small.
Chandler: Alright, wait here. (ducks into his room, and comes out carrying a huge stack of boxes)
Joey: Whoa! Where'd you get all those boxes?
Chandler: These are Rachel's reciept boxes. That woman shops way too much!