THE ONE WITH BRIAN
Before you start......no I dont think any of this could EVER happen. I just thought it would make an interesting story!
SCENE. CHANDLERS OFFICE. CHANDLER HAS BEEN WORKING LATE. BRIAN ENTERS.
Brian : Hey, Chandler. Heres the last numbers for this week.
Chandler : Thanks. Yknow, I just cant sleep unless I know the WENUS is working right.
Brian : Seriously?
Chandler : STARES HARD AT BRIAN No......
Brian : Oh right, joke! So I guess Ill be leaving now. DOESNT MOVE
Chandler : Yknow....for most people that does require using the door!
Brian : Um, would you like to go for a drink or something?.....as friends!
Chandler : Sure...why not?
Brian : Great!
CUT TO LATER AT A BAR. BRIAN SEEMS SOBER WHILE CHANDLER VERY DRUNK
Chandler : Im not drunk......I could walk in a straight line! I never get drunk..... cept at parties. But no one ever invites me. Its so depressing! PAUSE Im gonna drink some more.
Brian : GRABS CHANDLERS ARM I think youve had enough.
Chandler : BEAT One more?
BRIAN LEANS OVER AND KISSES CHANDLER
Chandler : Wo, wo , woah! Im, Im, Im not, n-not gay. Not gay!
BRIAN KISSES HIM AGAIN BUT THIS TIME CHANDLER DOES NOT PULL AWAY
SCENE. CHANDLER AND JOEYS APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SITTING BY THE TABLE. MONICA ENTERS
Monica : Hey Chandler! Where were you last night? We were meant to go and see In&Out, remember?
Chandler : USHERING HER OUT I completely forgot. Im really sorry. Well do it again sometime. Bye!
Monica : What are you doing?
Chandler : I just need some alone time.
Monica : No, really? Did you find someone last night?
Chandler : No! No I didnt!
Monica : Yes you did! I wanna meet her!
Chandler : No you dont! Ill see you later. PUSHES MONICA TOWARDS THE DOOR
Monica : Whats up with you?
CHANDLERS BEDROOM DOOR OPENS. BRIAN WALKS OUT.
Brian : SMILING Morning Chandler! TO MONICA Hi!
MONICA JUST STANDS THERE, MOUTH OPEN
SCENE. MONICAS AND RACHELS APARTMENT. EVERYONE IS THERE EXCEPT CHANDLER AND MONICA.
Phoebe : Hey! Guys, guys! Look what I got!
Rachel: What is it Pheebs?
Joey: SIMULTANEOUSLY What?
Ross: What you got?
PHOEBE PRODUCES A MAGIC 8 BALL
Phoebe : It tells the future.
Rachel : Ohhh. Is that one of those things you ask a question and shake for the answer?
Phoebe : Yeah! Isnt it amazing? Who would think that something as small as this could predict whats going to happen!
Ross : Uh, Phoebe. You do know that it cant actually tell the future?
Phoebe : Of course it can! Why else would people buy it?
Ross : Okayyyy.......lets test it then.
Joey : I gotta go the bathroom. JOEY LEAVES
Phoebe : Fine. Ask it a question.
Ross : LAUGHS. Will Joey use Monicas fancy soap again?.....It says "Definitely."
Joey : Heh. I used Monicas fancy soap again!
Phoebe : GASPS See?
Rachel : Pheebs, it was probably just a coincidence.
Phoebe : Lets try it again then!
Joey : Let me have a go. TAKES BALL. Will Ugly Naked Guy be using his hammock today?......It says "Count On It."
THEY ALL RUSH OVER TO THE WINDOW
All : Ewwwwww!!
Rachel : Well theres something we were all praying it wouldnt get right....
Phoebe : Im telling you! This thing works!
ENTER MONICA LOOKING SHOCKED
Rachel : Whats up Mon?
Monica : Wha...? Uh.....nothing. I, I gotta get ready for work. GOES TO HER ROOM
Joey : What up with her?
Phoebe : Lets ask the ball! Has Monica received a big shock?......It says "YES" in capital letters! That cant be good.
Rachel : Im going to see whats up with her. RACHEL LEAVES
Joey : Hey, you dont think Monica will be mad at me for using the fancy soap do you?
Phoebe : SHAKING BALL "Most Likely!"
SCENE. CHANDLER AND JOEYS APARTMENT.
Brian : So who was that? She left so quickly! LAUGHS Did I scare her or something?
Chandler : Uh.....that was Monica. She, she lives in the apartment across. Shes my best friend.
Brian : Im getting the feeling that youre not to happy she saw me....
Chandler : Well, yes!......Its just....
Brian : You havent come out yet have you? Thats okay....it took me a long time too. TRYS TO KISS CHANDLER BUT CHANDLER DODGES IT.
Brian : What?
Chandler : Im going to have to be honest with you.....
Brian : I knew it! Im just a one night stand to you arent I?!
Chandler : No! I dont know. Ive never........been with a man before, okay? Now Im not sure if Im gay, or if Im straight, or if Im........Im.......what else is there?!!
Brian : Ah.....well now I feel uncomfortable.
Chandler : Im sorry.....but this has left me really confused.
Brian : Uh......yknow this is something you should work out by yourself. But if you need me....Im here.
Chandler : Gee. Thank you so much for your support in this difficult time but I really need to be alone.
Brian : Okay, Ill go, but I didnt make you do anything you didnt want to do. Remember that. LEAVES
CHANDLER BANGS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL
SCENE. MONICAS ROOM. MONICA AND RACHEL ARE THERE.
Rachel : Come on Mon. Tell me what your upset about.
Monica : Its nothing.
Rachel : For nothing it looks pretty damn serious.
Monica : Okay, okay. But you have to promise you wont say anything to anyone else.
Rachel : I swear.
Monica : SIGHS Right. I went over to Chandlers this morning and......basically......hes gay.
Rachel : WHAT?!!
Monica : I think hes gay.....
Rachel : You think hes gay or he is gay?!
Monica : Let me explain.....when I went to see him he was with another man. He tried to get me out before I saw him, but.....
Rachel : Chandler was with a man?! Last night?
Monica : Yeah....
Rachel : God! I can hardly believe it. I mean.....every conversation I have with him hes always talking to my boobs!
Monica : I know But, I guess it kinda makes sense.....I mean hes smart....
Rachel : Neat....
Monica : Slim....
Both : Bitchy.
Rachel : But why didnt he tell us this?
Monica : I dont know why. But I guess hell have to tell us soon. Hell have too! But in the meantime.....
Rachel : Not a word, I know. SMILES
Monica : Yeah. SMILES BACK AND LOOKS AWAY. WE NOTICE A SLIGHT SADNESS IN HER EXPRESSION.
SCENE. CHANDLER AND JOEYS APARTMENT. JOEY ENTERS
Joey : Hey man!
Chandler : Hey....
Joey : So? Who did you bring back last night?
Chandler : What???
Joey : Come on! I heard ya!
Chandler : I have to go to work.
Joey : What did I say?
Chandler : Bye. LEAVES
Joey : SHOUTING OUT THE DOOR. It wasnt Janice was it?
SCENE. END OF THE DAY. CHANDLERS WORK, BRIANS OFFICE. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
Brian : Yeah?
Chandler : Hey....its me.
Brian : Um....hows it going ?
Chandler : Really? Could this day get any worse?!
Brian : Well, that makes me feel just great.
Chandler : Im sorry, but this is hard for me. Ive been thinking about this all day....its like a freaky scene from Dynasty!
Brian : And?
Chandler : I need to see something. KISSES BRIAN. Thanks.
Brian : Wait....KISSES CHANDLER. THERES A PASSIONATE EMBRACE.
Chandler : What am I doing?!
Brian : You wanted too.
Chandler : I know!
Brian : Take some time to think about this.
Chandler : And what else have I been doing? Thinking about my ANUS?......that came out wrong....
Brian : Take all the time you need, I know its difficult.
Chandler : SIGHS Yeah.....bye.....
SCENE. CENTRAL PERK. EVERYONE IS THERE EXCEPT CHANDLER.
Phoebe : So, Ive been testing the ball all day, and it hasnt got it wrong once!
Rachel : Yknow, Im really stating to believe in this!
Joey : Yeah....me too.
Ross : Give me an example.....
Phoebe : Okay......um......Oh! I asked it if the guy with the hairy back was going to hit on me today, and it said "Yes!" and he did!
Ross : Pheebs.....he always hits on you.
Phoebe : Oh. Okay. Well what about this?.....I asked it if anything suprising would happen to me today, it said "Bet On It" and I got a raise!
Monica : Way to go Phoebe!
Phoebe : Yeah! I know! I didnt even deserve it! But see?......it really works!
Rachel : Gimme a go! SHAKES BALL Uh.....will Chandler arrive soon? "Yes".
CHANDLER WALKS IN.
Joey : Hey!
Ross : Maybe it does work....
Chandler : Hey guys....
Phoebe : Hey, Chandler! Guess what? We have a magic ball!
Chandler : Thats great Phoebe! Im getting coffee.
Ross : Whats up with him?
MONICA AND RACHEL LOOK AT EACH OTHER
Joey : Chandler , whats up man?
Chandler : SIGHS I have something to tell you guys.....
Phoebe : What is it?
Chandler : You guys are like my best friends. Thats why Im telling you this.....and its pretty hard for me okay?
All : CONCERNED Okay.
Chandler : Last night I MUTTERS SO WHAT HES SAYING CAN NOT BE UNDERSTOOD
Ross : What?
Chandler : Last night I slept with MUTTERS AGAIN
Joey : It was Janice wasnt it?
Chandler : No.....
Monica : QUIETLY. Omigod.
Chandler : .....It was another man.
THERE IS A STUNNED SCILENCE
Phoebe : Oh! Its a joke!
Ross : A joke!
Chandler : No it isnt. But Im sorry this is just a big joke to you!
Phoebe : Oh, Im sorry Chandler, really I am.
Joey : Youre gay?!
Chandler : I dont know. I dont know if Im gay or straight, and you have no idea how this feels! Unless any of you are secretly gay then I apologise.....
Rachel : You know were all here for you.
Ross : Whatever you....decide to be, well support you.
Chandler : Yeah.....thanks.
Joey : But what about all those women?
Chandler : Not helping Joe.......Ive been thinking though, maybe it does make sense. I mean everyone always seems to think Im.....gay, and then theres my dad, so maybe I should give it try.
Rachel : You cant just try your sexuality on like a sweater!
Chandler : Where the hell do you shop?
Rachel : What I mean is that your either one thing or the other and youre just going to have to work out what you are.
Chandler : I have to go. LEAVES
All : Bye......
Phoebe : Oh my god! You guys! Can you guys believe that?
Ross : I know!
Rachel : Monica, whats up with you? You havent said a word......
Monica : Its......I just dont like the idea of Chandler with another man.
Ross : Wouldnt you call that being homophobic?!
Monica : No! Im not!
Phoebe : Uh....then whats your problem?
Monica : Excuse me.....LEAVES
Joey : Now.....somethings bothering her.
Phoebe : Well, Im going to see what it is. See you guys later. LEAVES
Ross : Anyone else still in shock? I need an espresso.
Joey : Me too.
WHILE ROSS AND JOEY ARE GETTING COFFEE RACHEL PICKS UP THE MAGIC 8 BALL.
Rachel : Will Ross and I ever get back together? "Yes!" DOES A LITTLE DANCE
Ross : Rach......what are you doing?
Rachel : Uh....just practising!
Ross : For what?
Rachel : Tap lessons!
Ross : You dont have tap lessons......
Rachel : And that means I cant practise? ROSS GIVES HER A WEIRD LOOK.
SCENE. MONICAS AND RACHELS APARTMENT. MONICA AND PHOEBE ARE THERE.
Phoebe : Okay Monnica. Whats up?
Monica : Oh my god! Its nothing!
Phoebe : LOOKS HARD AT HER Ive known you for far too long for you to start lying to me....
Monica : Okay, okay....
Phoebe : Guilt trip works every time!
Monica : The thing is....its that. Okay this is the thing.....
Phoebe : Uh, how long is the "thing" going to take?
Monica : SIGHS I think Im in love with Chandler.
Phoebe : What?! Oh my god! I thought it was just some......some......well, something else!
Monica : I know, I know!
Phoebe : How long have you been......in love with him?
Monica : I think its been for years, I just never realised. But now hes, sort of gay, I know I cant have him! Yesterday he was just Chandler.....and now hes Chandler, you see what I mean?
Phoebe : Nu-uh....
Monica : I mean....whenever my love life went wrong, he was always there! My safety net, and now all I can think about is how I should have realised sooner.....and maybe this whole situation wouldnt have appeared....
Phoebe : Wow! Who needs Ross and Rachel?
Monica : Pheebs.....what am I going to do?
Phoebe : At the moment? Nothing.
Monica : But Ill have to tell him soon!
Phoebe : Listen.....if you tell him now your only going to make his problems worse.
Monica : Why must you be always right?......
Phoebe : Come here.....HUGS MONICA
SCENE. CHANDLER AND JOEYS APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS THERE. THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
Chandler : ANSWERING DOOR. Hey Dad.
CHANDLERS FATHER IS PLAYED BY KEVIN KLINE (Its my story!)
Cs Dad : Hows it going son!?
Chandler : Uh....fine! Its great.
Cs Dad : So.....are you going to tell me why you brought me all the way here from Las Vegas?
Chandler : I had an experience lately that has kinda affected me in a big way, and I thought it would be best to talk to you about it.
Cs Dad : Oh......what sort of experience?
Chandler : I was abducted by aliens! What sort of experience do you think I would want to talk to you about?!
Cs Dad : PAUSES, THEN REALISES Ah.
Chandler : When did you know that you....preferred men?
Cs Dad : Well I guess I always knew on some level.
Chandler : But how did you work it out?
Cs Dad : It came naturally.....
Chandler : Look. Im going to need an actually answer here!
Cs Dad : You havent exactly told me what you want from me.....
Chandler : SIGHS I got drunk a couple of nights ago, and, I, I slept with a man. LOOKS EMBARRASSED.
Cs Dad : Was he cute?
Chandler : I have no idea if Im gay or straight!
Cs Dad : Well...like father like son!
Chandler : Not helping.
Cs Dad : Okay. Do you find men attractive?
Chandler : Im not sure....
Cs Dad : Is Yasmine Bleeth hot?
Chandler : Yes!
Cs Dad : Is David Hasselhoff hot?
Chandler : Ew. No.
Cs Dad : Romantic Novels.....worth reading?
Chandler : Depends if someone has a gun pointing at my head or not.
Cs Dad : To be honest.....it sounds to me like you made a drunken mistake.
Chandler : Do you think so?!
Cs Dad : You sound so relived......well, thats my opinion anyway. I would never have pegged you to prefer men....you always seemed to me like youd go for someone like.....your friend Monica.
Chandler : Yes. Yes! Youre right! I have a phonecall to makes! DIALS. Answering Machine.......Uh, Hi! Its me! We need to talk. Meet me at Central Perk at seven. Bye. HANGS UP. Excuse me Dad but I have something really important to take care of. RUSHES OUT
Cs Dad : Huh. Glad to help....
SCENE. CENTRAL PERK. THE WHOLE GANG ARE THERE. CHANDLER IS WAITING AT A TABLE.
Chandler : WAVES TO HIM Hey.
Brian : SMILES Hi.
THEY TALK BUT WE DO NOT HEAR THEIR CONVERSATION
Monica : Look! Hes meeting up with a guy! Do you think thats the guy?
Rachel : It might just be a friend.
Ross : Even if it is....hes way out of Chandlers league!
Joey : What guy is this? EVERYONE GIVES HIM "HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?" LOOKS
Ross : Give him a minute......
Joey : Ohhhh.....!
CHANDLER AND BRIAN WALK OVER
Chandler : Guys......I want you to meet Brian. And Im.....
Monica : I dont care if youre gay Chandler! I love you!!!
Chandler : Wha-wha-what?
Monica : I love you.....
Rachel : You what?
Ross : TOGETHER Chandler?!
Joey : What?
Monica : I know I shouldnt have told you, but I couldnt keep it to myself. But youre gay, and it doesnt matter....
Chandler : It does matter.......and Im not gay.
Monica : Youre not?
Chandler : Thats what I was trying to tell you all. I made a mistake but Ive sorted myself out now.
Monica : Oh God.........
Chandler : Did you really mean what you said?
Monica: Yes....I did. Why cant I just keep my mouth shut? CHANDLER KISSES HER Wow.... THEY RESUME KISSING
CHANDLERS FATHER ENTERS
Cs Dad : Well.....Im glad my sons sorted himself out!
Ross : Youre Chandlers father?
Cs Dad : You sound so suprised....
Phoebe : I guess we were just given a different impression.....what with Viva Las Gaygas and all!
Brian : You own Viva Las Gaygas?
Cs Dad : Yes! And you are?
Brian : Uh....the other man.
Cs Dad : Pleased to meet you. THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER
Phoebe : Wow! This is like some kind of soap opera!
Joey : And Im not starring in it......
SCENE. LATER ON IN CENTRAL PERK. PHOEBE, ROSS, JOEY AND RACHEL ARE THERE
Rachel : Wow! What a week!
Phoebe : Oh! I know! Monica and Chandler together!
Ross : And Brian and Chandlers father.
Joey : Isnt that a bit icky?
Ross : I think its best not to bring the subject up......
Phoebe : I asked the ball if all would turn out great. It said "Yes!"
Rachel : Yay!
Ross : GOES TO GET COFFEE BUT TAKES THE BALL WITH HIM. Will me and Rachel ever get back together? "YES!"
Gunther : What?
Ross : Yes.....I would like some coffee.
Gunther : What have you got there?
Ross : Its a ball that tells the future. GIVES HIM THE BALL Here.....go wild. GOES BACK TO THE SOFA
Gunther : Will I ever get together with Rachel? LOOKS AT ANSWER. Oh man! THROWS THE BALL. EVERYONE TURNS TO SEE WHAT THE CRASH WAS.
Gunther : Oops.