The One With Chandler And Monica's Honeymoon






Written by: The Teenage Friends Freak

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


Note: This fanfic takes place after "TOW The Weddings", at the same time as "TOW Ross And Rachel's Honeymoon" and "TOW Joey And Phoebe ALONE"


Scene:  A hotel lobby. Chandler and Monica, who are soaking wet (it's raining outside, you can see it through the door)  enter and go to the desk.

Chandler:  (to the man behind the desk) Hi! We'd like our room please.

Man:  And what room would that be?

Chandler:  The one that's booked under "Bing", between Monica and Chandler.

Man:  Ha. Ha. (checking his computer) That would be the honeymoon suite, room 47, top floor. Here's your keys, enjoy your stay.

Chandler:  Thank you very much. Does anyone carry our luggage? (gestures towards a HUGE pile of suitcases and bags a few feet away)

Man:  Nope. Our manager doesn't believe in luggage carriers. Apparently one offended him once, and he's been terrified of them since.

[Chandler and Monica look at him strangely]

Chandler:  OK, well, whatever. Do you have some string?

Cut to:  A few minutes later. Chandler has fastened all the luggage together with the string, and is pulling it towards the elevator.

Monica:  Um, Chandler?

Chandler:  Yes?

Monica:  Is there an "out of order" sign on the elevator or am I seeing things?

[Chandler looks at the elevator, where there is, indeed, an out of order sign]

Chandler:  Well either there is an "out of order" sign on the elevator, or we've been hanging out with Phoebe so much that we have the same hallucinations.

[they both sigh and head towards the stairs]

                                                               CREDITS
                                  (as with "TOW Ross And Rachel's Honeymoon",
                                      the credits only show scenes of Chandler and
                                      Monica, and only credits Matthew Perry and
                                Courteny Cox-Arquette. Choose the scenes yourself,
                               listen to the theme song, and play it in your head, it's fun!)

Scene:  Chandler and Monica's hotel room. They come in, Chandler lugging the luggage behind him and breathing very hard.

Chandler:  (still breathing hard) Well, (deep breath) that was (another deep breath) fun. (he takes another deep breath and collapses on the bed)

Monica:  (sarcastically) Yeah! Let's do it all again! (a drop of water falls on her head) Wha-! Chandler, the roof is leaking!

Chandler:  Good, I could use a shower.

Monica:  Chandler.

Chandler:  OK, OK, I'll call room service.

Monica:  How?!

Chandler:  With the phone. (off her look) There isn't a phone. Great. Maybe we could put a message in a box and lower it out the window. Or we could shout. Or we could just put a bucket under the hole.

Monica:  Holes.

Chandler:  There's more than one? (the is a big crash and a gallon of water falls on his head) There's more than one.

Monica:  Come on, let's go downstairs and get this sorted out.

[Chandler groans]

Scene:  The lobby. Monica rushes to the desk, Chandler walks wearily behind her.

Monica:  (to the man from earlier)  There are holes in the roof !

Man:  I know.

Monica:  What?!

Man:  But we thought you'd prefer that room to the rat infested one, or the one where that poor woman was murdered.

Monica:   Murdered?! Oh my God! What kind of a hotel is this?!

Man:  Oh, don't worry. That was several years ago.

Monica:  I DON'T CARE! We are leaving here right now! C'mon Chandler. (she starts to pull him away)

Man:  Erm, I'm afraid that won't be possible.

Monica:  Why not?!

Man:  Because all the roads have been closed off due to the flooding.

Monica:  Oh my God. Oh my...

[Chandler comforts her]

Chandler:  (quietly, to the man) Do you have any buckets?

Scene:  Chandler and Monica's hotel room. It's night-time. There are buckets everywhere. The bed has been moved into a corner so that it doesn't get wet. Chandler and Monica are sitting up in bed, Monica is writing in her diary.

Monica:  First day...awful. (she puts down the diary and turns out the light)

Scene:  The dining area, the next morning. Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table looking at a menu.

Monica:  Breakfast: Cornflakes with apple or big red scribble. Drinks: Coffee, orange juice or beer. What shall it be?

Chandler:  Well, big red scribble sounds appetizing. (getting serious) What is UP with this hotel?!

[A waiter comes up. It's the same man who was at the desk the day before. And I'm getting tired of calling him "Man", so let's call him...Gustav.]

Gustav:  What do you want to eat then?

Chandler:  Do we have much choice? (off his look) We don't, do we. Two bowls of cornflakes with apple, a coffee, and an orange juice then.

[Gustav leaves]

Chandler:  (to Monica) So, what do you think of our honeymoon so far?

Monica:  Predictable.

Chandler:  Erm...oh. In what way?

Monica:  Nothing ever goes as planned for us. Y'know, I bet Ross and Rachel are having the time of their lives! This kind of thing only happens to us.

[Gustav arrives with their breakfast. The cornflakes are served in teacups, the apple is only a little sliver. Chandler and Monica do not look happy]

Monica:  (to Gustav) What's this?!

Gustav:  Your breakfast, ma'am.

Monica:  Don't you ma'am me! This is outrageous! I wouldn't dare sell my customers something like this!

Gustav:  Sorry ma'am. We're rationing cos of the flood. (Monica glares at him) But of course, given your condition...(he gestures at Monica's stomach) we could, possibly, allow you to have more...

Cut to:  Later. Monica and Chandler are still sitting at the table. Monica is surrounded by empty teacups.

Monica:  Now that's what I call a good meal! What shall we do now?

Chandler:  Well, there was supposed to be a swimming pool...

Scene:  The swimming pool. Chandler and Monica are standing next to it, looking at it. It's empty.

Monica:  So predictable. We'll probably be stuck here for the rest of our lives. (sees Gustav walking by) Hey, Gustav! Why isn't there any water in the pool?

Gustav:  It's...erm...broken.

Monica:  Broken how?

Gustav:  It...doesn't work properly.

Chandler:  That usually happens when something's broken. WHY is it broken?

Gustav:  It...malfunctions.

Chandler:  Can you be more specific?

Gustav:  Erm...no. Goodbye.

(he walks off)

Chandler:  So...now what?

Scene:  Chandler and Monica's hotel room.  They are sitting by the window, drawing on the steamy panes.

Monica:  Y'know, somehow this isn't how I pictured my honeymoon.

Chandler:  (sarcastically) Really?  I never would've guessed.

Cut to:  Later. Chandler and Monica are playing cards. The cards fall into a bucket of water.

Cut to:  Even later. Chandler and Monica are playing scissors-paper-stone.

Scene:  The last night. Chandler and Monica are in their bed, sleeping. Suddenly, really loud music starts to play. They both wake up with a start.

Chandler:  Y'know, I'm really glad we're going home tomorrow.

Monica:  Me too, Chandler, me too...

Scene:  Chandler and Monica's apartment. Joey is sitting in the armchair, Phoebe is lying on the couch. Both are sound asleep, until-

Monica:  (bursting in) I can't believe there was a traffic jam! I can't believe we got stopped three times! I can't believe it's over!

Phoebe:  (waking up) Help, the ice is breaking! (wakes up some more) Hi guys.

Monica:  What is it with you and ice, anyway?

Chandler:  It's simple! The land on top of the ice is the land of dreams. The land underneath the ice is the land of, well, non-dreams, or reality. Now, every time she wakes up, Phoebe falls from the land of fluffy bunnies and unicorns, through the ice, and into the land of bad hotels , traffic, and dinner.

[Stella comes out of the spare room (the one that used to be Rachel's room)]

Stella:  HI!

Monica:  (dismally) What's SHE doing here?

Stella:  I've come to stay.

Chandler:  What?!

Monica:  For how long?

Stella:  A year. See, it's Rachel's turn to have me.

Monica:  What?

Stella:  I'll explain when we're all here. Want some coffee?

                                                               CREDITS

Scene:  Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Joey and Stella are there. Chandler and Monica are telling everyone about their honeymoon. Ross and Rachel come in, Phoebe notices them and clears her throat. Stella turns around.

Stella:  Hi Rach!

Rachel:  Oh my God...

                                                               THE END