The One With The Cracker Jack -- Part 1


Fanfic by: Laura Barnett


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is there fluffing pillows on the couch. Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey, where's Rach?

Monica: Out with Ross.

Chandler: Really?

Monica: Yeah, he needed a date for this big museum thing.

Chandler: Good. Did'ya miss me?

Monica: Yeah, but um, we need to talk.

Chandler: Wha - What's going on?

(Monica sits down and then Chandler follows. )

Monica: I want to talk about us.

Chandler: Us? You and me, us?

(Chandler stands up and starts pacing.)

Monica: Chandler

Chandler: Or you and then me?

Monica: Chandler.

Chandler: Because, I'd rather talk about you and then me.

(Monica gets up and stops him. She sits him back down on the couch.)

Monica: Y'know what? Maybe we can talk about us later, okay? (She starts kissing him.)

Chandler: Okay. (Muffled.)

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Front Foyer, by the mailboxes. Ross and Rachel step enter the foyer. Rachel struggles to open her mailbox. It seems stuck.]

Ross: Thanks for coming with me to the exhibition opening, especially since it was kinda at the last minute.

Rachel: Sure.

Ross: It was nice. Like old times.

(Rachel's trying to pry open the mailbox with her key.)

Rachel: Not quite. (Distractedly)

Ross: Anyway, I thought maybe we could go out to dinner sometime this week?

(Rachel turns to face Ross.)

Rachel: I'm sorry Ross, I don't think I can do that.

Ross: Any night would be fine with me.

Rachel: No, I meant, I don't think it would be a good idea.

Ross: Why? Didn't you have a good time tonight?

Rachel: No Ross, I didn't.

Ross: Why?

Rachel: I got really sick of hearing how sorry everyone was about you and Emily.

(Danny walks into the foyer to check his mail. Ross is blocking his box.)

Ross: She was my wife and we divorced. That's what they're supposed to say. The important thing is that I'm ready to move on. I want to be with you.

Rachel: Look Ross, I still have feelings for you. They didn't just evaporate overnight. (BEAT) And to tell you the truth, I'm NOT sorry it didn't work out for you and Emily. I mean, I am, but.

Danny: You don't want to be someone's consolation prize?

Rachel: YES!

(Rachel gives up on the mailbox. She exits. Ross exits angry and frustrated.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica and Rachel: Hey!

Phoebe: (To Monica) So, how is the secret boyfriend?

Monica: Fine.

Rachel: I was hoping to bust you guys last night.

Monica: Well, you nearly did.

Rachel: No! Why do I always miss him?

Monica: I don't know. It's a freakin' miracle.

Rachel: You only have sex with this guy 100 million times a week. Half of those times are in this apartment. You'd think I'd catch you in the act at least once. I mean. You know what I mean.

Phoebe: I know, he's like the pink bunny. He keeps going and = going. And you're like Mrs. Pink Bunny.

Monica: Hmmmm, yeah.

Rachel: Okay, at least tell me this. Is it just the sex or is = there something more?

(Monica bites her lip and looks uncomfortable.)

Phoebe: You're blushing.

Rachel: Oh my God! You're in love?

Monica: Yeah. (Dreamily)

Phoebe: He feels the same way?

(Monica nods but looks hesitant.)

Phoebe: Oh that's great!

Rachel: Uh oh, there's a but.

Monica: But, he's kind of afraid of the commitment thing. I don't want to push too hard. You guys are always telling me I push too hard.

(Phoebe and Rachel agree.)

Rachel: Have you talked with him about it?

Monica: I tried to last night, but he got all freaked out.

(Ross enters the apartment.)

Ross: Hey!

Girls: Hey.

(It is very quiet. An uncomfortable silence.)

Phoebe: Monica and... Somebody sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.

Monica: Ha ha.

Ross: You're in love?

Rachel and Phoebe: Uh huh.

Ross: Oh.

Monica: You don't seem enthused.

Ross: No, that's great! So when are we going to meet this guy?

Monica: Soon I hope.

[Scene: Joey and Chandler's apartment. Chandler is in the kitchen area pouring a glass of juice. Joey walks out of his bedroom.]

Joey: Good morning!

Chandler: Morning. (Chandler sounds like he is down in the dumps.)

Joey: Hey, what's the matter with you? It's afternoon.

(Chandler just shrugs.)

Joey: Why so glum?

Chandler: Monica wanted to have a talk last night about us.

Joey: Oooooh, not one of those!

Chandler: I'm serious.

Joey: So am I.

Chandler: I think she wants to break up with me.

Joey: Why?!

Chandler: I don't know! I thought everything was going fine!

Joey: She can't break up with you! (BEAT) What did she say?

Chandler: Nothing. We started making out and it kinda got dropped.

Joey: Good move. (BEAT) So what are you going to do?

Chandler: (Sighs) I don't know!

Joey: Maybe you just haven't been romantic enough.

Chandler: Well, she didn't seem to mind.

Joey: They never come out and tell you that.

[Scene: Foyer of the Apartment Building. Phoebe enters the foyer followed by a delivery person. Phoebe rings the apartment buzzer.]

Monica (O.S.): Who is it?

Phoebe: Phoebe Buffay.

(The buzzer to release the door goes off. Phoebe opens the door.)

Delivery Person: Hey, could you do me a favor? You're going to Gellar-Green's?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Delivery Person: Can you take this up there? I'm really behind schedule.

Phoebe: Sure, okay.

(The delivery person gives her the flowers. Phoebe's hands are full. He tries to hand her the accompanying card, but can't. He sticks it one of her pockets.)

Delivery Person: Thanks!

(Delivery Person exits.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen fixing the perfect sandwich. Rachel is sitting on the couch reading a magazine.]

Rachel: Oh hey, test time!

Monica: I hate those things. They always make me feel like the biggest loser.

Rachel: Aw c'mon..

Monica: I'm really not in the mood.

(Phoebe enters with the flowers.)

Phoebe: Flowers for Rachel. (BEAT) These must have cost Ross a fortune.

Rachel: Wow!

Monica: Oh my God. Those are the most beautiful flowers I've ever seen.

Rachel: They are beautiful, aren't they?

Monica: Yeah. (Sigh)

(Phoebe gives Monica a squeeze.)

Phoebe: Oh, sweetie. If I had my choice between great sex and great presents, I'd take the great sex.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's. Chandler is watching TV. Monica enters dressed in sweats and hair up in a ponytail.]

Monica: Anybody else here?

Chandler: No, just me. (BEAT) Wow! You look beautiful.

Monica: Uh, thanks.

(Monica sits in his lap. Chandler starts kissing her. She kisses him back. She stops him.)

Monica: Hey, um, do you think you're ready?

Chandler: Hmmm, yes. Very ready.

Monica: Well, I can tell that. (Smirking.) But do you think you might be ready to go public?

Chandler: Kinda risky and illegal in most states. (Monica swats him.) Oh, you mean us! (BEAT) Is that what you wanted to talk about last night?

Monica: Yeah, I don't know that we're going to be able to keep it a secret much longer. And, I'm kinda tired of sneaking around. Aren't you?

(Chandler laughs.)

Monica: What's so funny?

Chandler: I thought you were going to break up with me.

Monica: Break up with you? Why would I do that? Things are going great. At least I think so. Don't you? (Nervously)

Chandler: Well, yeah.

Monica: Okay, good. I'd like for us to move to the next level.

Chandler: (BEAT) Okay, good.

Monica: Good.

Chandler: Great!

Monica: Soon?

Chandler: The sooner the better!

(She starts to kiss him slowly.)

Monica: You're really tense.

Chandler: Well, That's because I was just so worried you were going to break up with me.

(Joey walks in carrying huge box. He sets down the box. He sees Monica kissing Chandler and gives him a thumbs up sign. Monica looks up and sees Joey. She misses the thumbs up sign.)

Monica: Oh, hey Joey. Don't worry, I'm leaving. (To Chandler) See you later.

(Chandler nods. Monica exits. Chandler sags in his seat. Joey looks at him confused.)

Joey: Now what's the matter?

Chandler: Monica wants to move to next level.

Joey: Oh. Who's going to move in with Rachel?

Chandler: Huh?

Joey: If Monica's moving upstairs, is Rachel staying here or moving with her?

Chandler: Well, she's kinda hoping you'll move in with her. She's secretly had her eye on you.

Joey: Really?

Chandler: Nooooo. Monica wants to take our relationship to the next level, but I don't think I'm ready for the next level. I've never been to the next level. I don't think I'm a next level kinda guy. I'm not even sure what the next level is.

Joey: Slow down. Hmmm. There's the 'I think you're fun level.' You've already past that. (Chandler nods.) Then there's the 'I want you to meet my parents level.' But that doesn't count for you guys.

Chandler: She hasn't met my dad yet. (Joey gives Chandler a look.) Okay, doesn't count.

Joey: Then there's the 'I'm only seeing you' level.

Chandler: I'm just guessing, but doesn't that come before the parents?

Joey: I don't know. I like it just fine at the 'I think you're fun level.'

Chandler: What's next?

Joey: Well, I think there is only one level left. Are you still with me here?

Chandler: Uh, I think so.

Joey: Okay, try to picture you and Monica really old and together.

(Joey and Chandler close their eyes and are quiet a moment. Joey starts laughing.)

Chandler: What?

Joey: Nothing.

Chandler: I can totally see it. Yeah, we're playing shuffle board. I'm kickin' her ass.

Joey: Yeah?

Chandler: It's still a pretty cute one too.

(Joey opens the box. He pulls out a box of Cracker Jack.)

Joey: Want some?

Chandler: You bought a whole case of Cracker Jack?

Joey: Yeah, it was a great deal.

Chandler: Where's the rest of the food? Never mind. Toss me one of those. I'm starving.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are watching Titanic. Ross enters.]

Ross: Hey!

Monica and Phoebe: Shhhh!

Ross: (SOFTLY) Hey, Rach. Can I talk to you for a minute?

(Rachel gets up and walks over to the kitchen area. Ross follows.)

Rachel: Yeah Ross? (She is distracted, still trying to watch the movie.)

Ross: I wanted to apologize for the other night. I assumed that you still felt the same way. It was dumb.

Rachel: You still don't get it, but thanks for the flowers.

Ross: Flowers?

Rachel: Yeah, the roses. (She gestures to the beautiful arrangement on the table.)

Ross: Uh, I didn't send those. Who's sending you flowers?

Phoebe: Hey, pipe down! It's the car scene.

Rachel: I (Confused) I thought they were from you.

Ross: You've been seeing someone else? Danny? Is that why you won't go out with me?

Rachel: No Ross. Trust me, Danny's not interested. (BEAT) Ross, you just got divorced.

Ross: Yeah, I think I remember that!

(Monica throws a pillow at Ross hitting him in the head.)

Ross: Monica!

(Ross exits. Rachel looks at the flowers again thoughtfully. She walks back to her seat and sits down. Chandler and Joey enter.)

Chandler: Hey Monica! I need to talk to you for a second?

(Monica grabs the remote and turns up the volume.)

Chandler: It's important. (Joey pulls Chandler by the ear.) OWWWW!

(Joey pulls Chandler outside to the hall.)

[Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Joey lets go of Chandler's ear.]

Chandler: Why in God's name did you do that?

Joey: Were you or were you not just going to go in there and y'know, propose?

Chandler: Uh noooo!

Joey: What?

Chandler: No one said anything about-about

Joey: Duh, that's the next level!

(Chandler looks at him panicked.)

Chandler: Propose, as in marriage? When we were in there, I didn't hear the M word.

Joey: Oh, and you think she's just gonna waste the best years of her life with some dope who doesn't want to pay for milk?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Y'know. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Chandler: (After a moment) I'll pay, I'll pay. It's just that right now I have 0% financing.

Joey: How long do you think that's going to last? Six months? A year?

Chandler: It's just.

Joey: What? Is it the commitment thing again?

Chandler: No. (Joey gives him a look.) Okay, yes. (BEAT) Look at Ross. He's Mr. Commitment and where has it taken him? Then look at you. No cares whatsoever. A girl in every port. Now let's see, do I want to be like Ross or do I want to be like you? Do I want to be miserable or do I want to have sex? I think sex.

Joey: You want to be like me?

Chandler: Did I say that?

Joey: Look, you're settled with Monica. (BEAT) Not that you're settling with Monica. I mean, you're a one woman guy. (Joey sighs.) You're crazy about her, right?

Chandler: Yeah, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. (BEAT) But, I need time to think about this.

(Chandler exits to their apartment. Joey exits to the girl's apartment.)

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]

Phoebe: Oh, maybe it was Gunther!

Monica: Naaaah!

Phoebe: Ross, are you sure it wasn't you?

Ross: (Annoyed) I'm sure I would have remembered that.

Phoebe: Oh, you're right R-A-C-H-E-L.

Ross: Could we not talk about this?

Monica: Yeah, whatever.

Phoebe: (To Monica) Hey, did you get to have that talk?

Monica: Yeah! He said okay! I just don't know exactly when. Soon though.

Phoebe: Mystery man's not going to be a mystery anymore!

Ross: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Monica and secret lover man are going the next step.

Ross: So what does that mean?

Phoebe: Well, it means, she introduces him to her friends and he introduces her to his friends.

Ross: Oh, great. (BEAT) Um, now can someone please explain why Rachel won't go out with me?

Monica: (Sighs) It's like this Ross. Let's say you were up for some sort of fellowship. It's something you wanted for so long and it means everything to you. But you have competition. Stiff competition. You with me?

Ross: So far.

Monica: Your work is really, really good, but the board picks your competitor instead. You still with me?

Ross: Yesss.

Monica: Then the board comes back to you and says you can have the fellowship because a stupid error was made which disqualifies your competition. How do you feel?

Ross: Really, really happy. I won!

Phoebe: But you were really runner-up! The board married Emily.

Ross: Oh. (BEAT) Ooooh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Rachel is painting her nails. Monica enters from her bedroom carrying two dresses.]

Monica: Which one?

Rachel: Where are you going?

Monica: Allguer's. Can you believe it?

Rachel: Allguer's?! You need a reservation there way in advance. Is this some kind of special evening?

Monica: (Shrugs) First real date?

Rachel: Let's see what else you have in there.

(Monica and Rachel exit to Monica's bedroom. Shortly after Chandler peeks into the apartment. He enters when he doesn't see anyone. He's dressed very well. Joey enters behind him.)

Joey: How'ya doin'? (Chandler jumps.)

Chandler: Ugh, my stomach feels like your lava lamp.

Joey: So, did you decide anything? C'mon, what about Plan Cracker Jack?

(Chandler shakes his head. Joey looks disappointed.)

Chandler: A simple dinner in a quiet corner of a restaurant is about all I can handle right now. It's just a dinner. Nothing impulsive. (BEAT) But thanks for getting us in there tonight.

Joey: See, it pays to know unemployed actors. Could you remember this the next time I'm short on rent money?

(Chandler nods and then swallows an antacid. Ross and Phoebe enter the apartment.)

Phoebe: Wow! You look great.

Chandler: Uh, uh, thanks. Is it hot in here?

Ross: No. Where are you going?

Chandler: I-

(Rachel comes out of Monica's bedroom. She looks at Chandler then at Monica's bedroom door, then at Chandler.)

Rachel: You, you, you.

Chandler: I, I-

Phoebe: Doesn't he look yummy?

Rachel: Yum, yum, yum?

Ross: Are you okay, Rach?

(Monica enters from her bedroom.)

Rachel: Uh, yeah. Chandler, are, are you here to take Monica to dinner?

(Phoebe and Ross turn and look at Chandler. Their mouths drop open. Chandler doesn't answer. You can see the wheels turning.)

Ross: Ha, I don't think so. That would make him the guy who's been sleeping with my sister.

Chandler: Uh, uh

Joey: They're going out on a date. (Chandler whirls around.) I mean, a double date, right?

Monica: Yeah, that's right. We decided to take pity on dateless Chandler so we set him up.

Ross: See.

Rachel: Hey, how come he gets to meet your boyfriend first? I'm your best friend.

Ross: I'm family.

Phoebe: I'm- I'm Phoebe.

Monica: (Guiltily) Sorry, it just kinda worked out that way. (To Chandler) Let's go.

Ross: Hey Chandler? I'm sorry man.

Chandler: Uh, yeah. Don't worry about it. (Guiltily.)

[Scene: Hallway in front of Danny's Apartment. Rachel knocks on the door. Danny answers it.]

Rachel: Hi!

Danny: Hi.

Rachel: Hi.

Danny: Hi again.

Rachel: Um, this is going to sound a little strange, but did you send me flowers?

Danny: No.

Rachel: Because, someone sent me flowers and it wasn't Ross and there wasn't any card.

Danny: No. It wasn't me.

Rachel: Oh, sorry. (She turns to leave.)

Danny: Wait. It's because I don't believe in flowers. They die.

Rachel: Oh.

Danny: If I believed in flowers, I might send some to you sometime.

Rachel: (Smiles) Thanks. (She turns around and starts to leave.)

Danny: Hey, are you sure Chandler didn't send them to Monica?

Rachel: What?! Chandler and Monica?

Danny: Yeah, Chandler and Monica. Isn't it obvious?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching TV. Rachel enters. Phoebe walks in behind her carrying a bottle of juice.]

Rachel: Pheebs! I need to talk to you.

Phoebe: Oh, sorry. Joey doesn't have anything but beer.

Rachel: Ross didn't send me the flowers. Danny didn't send me the flowers. I think.

Phoebe: Oh, I almost forgot. Here's the card. Oh, it's got Monica's name on it. That's weird.

(Joey looks up. He looks a little worried. Phoebe hands Rachel the card and then sits in the other recliner. Rachel stares at the card. She starts to open it, but then stops. She holds it up to the light but can't see anything. Finally, she goes to opens it. Joey gets up and grabs it away from her.)

Joey: What are you doing? That's not for you.

Rachel: Well, that's not for you either.

Joey: I'll just hold it for safe keeping.

(Rachel goes to grab it, but Joey tucks it in his pants. Rachel makes a face.)

Joey: Before you get any ideas, I'm going commando.

Rachel: Boy, I tell ya, this guy Monica is seeing really must be some sort of a stud.

(Joey starts chuckling quietly.)

Rachel: What's that Joey?

(Joey suddenly looks nervous.)

Joey: Nothing. Nothing.

Rachel: So what do you think Pheebs? Is he the tall, dark and handsome type?

Phoebe: Like Richard? Oh, maybe he's a doctor like Richard, too.

(Again, Joey chuckles.)

Rachel: Or he could be a professional athlete. After all, he'd have to have stamina and athletic grace to be the best sex Monica's ever had.

(Joey is turning red trying to hold in the laughter. Phoebe starts to look suspiciously at Joey.)

Phoebe: You know something!

Joey: Nooo! (Laughing)

Phoebe: Out with it or I'm going to have to forget my peace loving ways and torture you!

Joey: Can't! Made a promise. (Laughing)

(Phoebe gets up and stands in front of Joey. She takes her index finger and gestures that she's going to tickle him. Joey looks panicked..)

Joey: No, no. Not that!

(Phoebe pretends to tickle him without actually touching him. Joey starts to laugh uncontrollably.)

Joey: Rach! Make her stop!

Rachel: I don't think I can.

Phoebe: Spill it Tribiani or else! (Phoebe whips out her other index finger.)

Joey: Chandler! Chandler!

Phoebe: Chandler can't save you now! (Phoebe moves closer with both fingers.)

Joey: No! It's Chandler!

Rachel: (Coyly) You mean Chandler is the secret boyfriend! (Feigns shock.)

Phoebe: Oh my God! Chandler?

(Phoebe drops her hands and Joey sags in his chair but looks relieved.)

Joey: Yeah, Chandler.

Phoebe: That's so great!

Rachel: I know! I know!

Joey: You knew?!

Rachel: Well, I suspected. (BEAT) Hey, why did they tell you and no one else?

Joey: Ha! I figured it out.

Phoebe: How long has this been going on?

Joey: I'm not saying another word!

(Phoebe whips out the fingers.)

Joey: Okay! London, baby!

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Apartment. Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. They are sharing a box of Cracker Jack.]

Phoebe: I love this stuff! I didn't know they still made it.

Joey: Yeah, the best part is the toy surprise though.

(Phoebe starts digging around for the surprise. She pulls it out.)

Phoebe: Just some dumb tattoos. Want them?

Joey: Yeah! Cool!

Phoebe: Y'know before I was homeless, we used to buy Cracker Jack. The rings were the best. Sure they were only plastic, but then you could pretend like you were getting married. That was the best.

Joey: I knew it!

END

Go To Part 2.