The One Where Chandler Loses the Plot…and Other Things


Written by: Anne Pascal

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

This takes place in season 7. Chandler and Monica are engaged. Ross and Rachel are together. Joey is living alone. Rachel and Phoebe are at Phoebe’s and Ross across the street.

It follows TOW Where They get the Score. Story so far:- Rachel agreed to be a surrogate for Monica and Chandler after Monica was told she was having a premature menopause. This turns out to be a hospital error and Monica herself becomes pregnant with quintuplets as a result of the fertility drugs Monica was on to farm the eggs for Rachel. Rachel is expecting twins. Chandler coped with this – Rachel explains the rest in the first scene. Confused? You will be!


Central Perk. Ross, Joey and Phoebe are there. Rachel just entering looking flustered. Ross gets up to greet her.

ROSS: (sarcastic) You look happy. Everything go OK at the hospital?

RACHEL: I got stuck in the subway for an hour and a half. An hour and a half of trying not to notice the guy four inches from my nose in preference to the arm pit four inches from my nose if, by some miracle, I managed to move my head around.

PHOEBE: Well just be grateful they invented showers before they invented the subway.

RACHEL: Well I don’t think the people who travel on the subway realize that. They should have a sniffometer before they allow you on that thing.

ROSS: Why didn’t you come back in a cab with Monica and Chandler?

RACHEL: Chandler got taken to the Psychiatric Unit so I figured they might be a while.

JOEY: The Psychiatric Unit! My God so what’s Monica having?

RACHEL: Quintuplets – five Joey, five babies.

JOEY: And Chandler freaked out – I thought he had prepared himself for up to seven?

RACHEL: Yeah well it was the other 11 babies that Chandler has accidentally fathered that really freaked him out. They used his "contribution" to the fertility study for AID treatment for some border line fertility women by mistake… so Chandler threw the Consultant’s chair at a mirror.

PHOEBE: He threw a chair!

RACHEL: Well think what Ross was like when he knew he was going to be a father. Throw in the fact that this is Chandler we are talking about and then multiply that by 18….

ROSS: So in the last few months Chandler has managed to father 18 children!

PHOEBE: You know in a few years time when he does that "Hello children" greeting in here he has a good chance of being accurate.

ROSS: Oh my God – it looks like they took a cab – Chandler?

Chandler enters not really noticing anyone. Monica sits him down.

JOEY: Hi buddy you OK?

MONICA: He stopped talking about half an hour ago. The psychiatric nurse gave him a shot of something to calm him down and he has been like this ever since.

PHOEBE: No jokes even?

MONICA: Do you want some coffee Chandler?

JOEY: Here he can have mine. I haven’t started it.

Chandler takes it puts it half way to his mouth then pours it all down himself still looking straight ahead.

ROSS: Yeah probably a good thing it wasn’t hot or he wouldn’t be needing that vasectomy.

 

…………………………..

Joey’s – all but Chandler

MONICA: Well at least he’s talking again – that came back when the drugs wore off. The humor's pretty black though.

ROSS: Is he eating?

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Sleeping?

MONICA: Briefly.

JOEY: Sex?

MONICA: Functional.

JOEY: What the hell does that mean?

MONICA: Well you know. If you’re hungry you can have a candle lit dinner in an expensive restaurant or you can grab something out of the fridge and eat it as you are doing something else. But then there is the burning thing. That’s a bit freaky

RACHEL: I thought there was a strange smell in your place.

MONICA: He burns the condoms after sex.

ROSS: Why are you even using condoms?

MONICA: He is paranoid about someone else getting hold of his stuff - so he burns them.

ROSS: Oh my God he really has lost the plot.

JOEY: I didn’t know you could burn them not after…

PHOEBE: Oh yes – a little lighter fuel – wham!

The rest look at her strangely.

ROSS: What’s he doing now?

MONICA: Re-building the apartment next door.

RACHEL: You tried talking to him?

MONICA: (sarcastic) No. Not tried that. I just wish I could somehow make him forget about the AID stuff.

PHOEBE: Well you can.

MONICA: What – how?

PHOEBE: Hypnotism.

MONICA: That’s not such a bad idea Phoebe. I mean it must be worth a try. I wonder if the doctor could recommend someone?

PHOEBE: Me me me – I can do it. I took that class last year and I know more about the mess in Chandler’s head then some stranger. I mean – how many Thanksgiving stories have I sat through?

MONICA: Can you make him remember as well? I mean could you find out where he put the ice trays?

ROSS: Yeah lets focus on the really important issues. Her fiancÚ’s had a break down but let’s find the ice trays!

PHOEBE: With seven children and no husband she is going to need ice!

JOEY: Do you think you could stop him making fun of me?

RACHEL: And you know that word emphasis thing – could it be more annoying

PHOEBE: Why don’t you all do me a list of things you want to change about Chandler, or you want him to remember, or forget, and I’ll see what I can do.

A while later – they are all writing. The lists are very long. Monica has filled an exercise book.

MONICA: Do you think Gunther has any more paper?

 

PHOEBE: Wouldn’t it be simpler to get a new boyfriend?

……………………….

Monica and Chandler’s apartment – a door has now been knocked through from Rachel’s old room to the apartment next door. Chandler is in there decoration – cigarette, sweats, looking wild. Sounds a little drunk. Phoebe enters.

PHOEBE: (looking around for the first time) My God it’s black! Did you really want the entire apartment to be black?

CHANDLER: Well its pretty dark inside Monica so I figured the babies would feel more at home here.

PHOEBE: You know that’s not so crazy. Tell me - why’s the door red?

CHANDLER: Well it’s the entrance to the other apartment – the way to their Mom - and Monica’s entrance is kinda red

PHOEBE: I think that might just have gone over the line to freaky. Chandler I don’t think you should be smoking – I mean the babies. Haven’t you read the warning on the packet?

Chandler looks bemused at the warning on the packet in his pocket.

CHANDLER: Well the Surgeon General says smoking can make you infertile. Are you suggesting I could sue him for getting it wrong or do you think I just need to smoke a lot more?

PHOEBE: Can you just stop painting for a minute – and put the brush down.

CHANDLER: You’re a sniveling useless brush.

PHOEBE: Yep. Not quite what I had in mind.

CHANDLER: (Looks at her for the first time). You wanna talk Pheebs – everyone wants to talk to me? Or take my stuff and make more and more babies. They don’t even want to do it the fun way. Just a little pot with a narrow entrance that you end up…

PHOEBE: Yeah I think I’m with you. Why so upset? I mean millions of men have donated…

CHANDLER: You know Phoebe my dad abandoned me but at least I was born at the time.

PHOEBE: I know – I’ve been there.

CHANDLER: I need to know that they are OK in life. Is that so crazy? The hospital will not even let me know who they are.

Phoebe puts her arms around him and he rests his head on her shoulder.

PHOEBE: No it’s not so crazy. Chandler I want you to go and lie on your bed. We need to get you to be just a little more relaxed.

CHANDLER: (He pulls back from her) Oh no no no. I’m not letting you give me a massage – not now I know you peek….

PHOEBE: I’ll do you a deal – you can keep your clothes on. I thought I’d take you to a happy place.

CHANDLER: You’re taking me to Macdonalds?

PHOEBE: In your present state of mind I don’t think we want you anywhere near Macdonalds.

…………..

Later - Monica and Chandler’s bedroom. Chandler is on the bed already under hypnosis. Phoebe is sitting by him.

PHOEBE: Chandler you have to remember when you were really happy. We are going back to your happiest moment. (she looks down at him startled as he starts to mumble) Chandler what are you doing! Oh my God I said happy not ecstatic!

Clock shows half an hour later

 

PHOEBE: Chandler you’re in a room with lots of cookie jars. You are taking one of those jars down and opening it. There are no cookies in it – oh except one and you give that one to me… right. You’re going to put all your unhappy thoughts in the jar. Except for the children that you and Monica are having you are going to put all your memories about the other children in the jar. Have you done that? Now you are going to close the jar and put it back on the shelf. Now turn around and leave the room. You are now out in the sunshine… It’s OK you have factor 20 on. You’re walking away from the room. When you look back you can’t see where the room is. It’s gone. When you wake up you will be calm and looking forward to the wedding and to your and Monica’s children being born. All the worry will have gone.

There is a loud crash. Phoebe jumps up to see what it is and Chandler opens his eyes confused, but he looks more normal and relaxed. He looks at the clock and closes his eyes again. Phoebe comes back in the room and starts to talk to him again. Chandler’s face just portrays that he is not under hypnosis any more – but he doesn’t let on to Phoebe.

PHOEBE: You’re still out in the sunshine. You are happy and relaxed. You’re holding Monica’s hand. You see your friends. You see Phoebe – what do you really think of Phoebe?

CHANDLER: Very, very sexy, kind and beautiful.

Phoebe looks pleased at first then a little suspicious, Chandler realizes he might have over done it.

CHANDLER: But a little whacky.

Phoebe is reassured.

PHOEBE: Well when you wake up you will think of her as the most intelligent person you know.

PHOEBE: You have great respect for your friends. They are all really intelligent, sensible people. You don’t want to laugh at them any more. You want to listen to what they have to say and respect their views. Nothing they say is silly.

Chandler is fighting not to smile but Phoebe doesn’t notice

PHOEBE: I’ll count to three and on three you wake up. One, two, three.

Chandler opens his eyes.

PHOEBE: How do you feel?

CHANDLER: Good – Pretty tired but really good.

PHOEBE: Well you go back to sleep then.

 

………..

Still in the bedroom. Chandler is asleep now. Phoebe is running her hands through his hair and uses the gel to put it into two devil horns. Smiles to herself.

PHOEBE: Ah you’re quite cute really – just a little boy. Maybe I can see what Monica sees in you and you do love her don’t you?

Kisses his head. Rachel and Monica come in.

MONICA: Did it work?

PHOEBE: Yep – like a dream. He has a really vivid imagination. I think I can give you the new Chandler.

MONICA: Well I kinda liked the old one.

PHOEBE: Yeah…me too.

MONICA: Do you think we did the right thing?

Chandler shifts slightly in his sleep.

RACHEL: Ahhh he looks quite cute asleep doesn’t he? So where was his happy place Phoebe?

PHOEBE: I think he must have been in London…

MONICA: London? – oh! (Looks embarrassed). Phoebe what have you done to his hair!

 

The three girls go out to the sitting area. Ross and Joey come in.

JOEY: Is Chandler OK now?

PHOEBE: He’s sleeping like a baby.

ROSS: So he’s waking up screaming every three hours and wetting himself? This is an improvement?

MONICA: Well come on Phoebe – what will he be like when he wakes up?

PHOEBE: Well I don’t think we will hear the Thanksgiving story any more.

JOEY: Thank God!

PHOEBE: Oh and he’s not gay.

MONICA: Told you.

PHOEBE: In fact he told me all about what happened in London. I was shocked – I mean Monica – on a first night together! Don’t look so disapproving Ross I heard a few stories about you in college too. Do you think the hair gel story in that Cameron Diaz film was based on…

ROSS: Now you’re making it up!

……..

Central Perk. All there - Chandler just entering. They all look curiously at him. But he seems quite normal.

CHANDLER: Hey

ALL: Hey

CHANDLER: (kisses Monica) Hi honey. You should have woken me I feel like I’ve been asleep for days. Glad you’re here Phoebe I need you to help me. My tax forms have come in and I’m not sure how the compensation claim and my savings should be listed. I’m sure you’ll understand what to do.

MONICA: (whispering) Why does he think you can complete his tax forms?

PHOEBE: I have no idea!

ROSS: Chandler I was just telling the others – One of my lectures, you know the one on erosion theories and the possibility that…

RACHEL: Hell Ross do we have to hear this again?

CHANDLER: Well I’m really interested.

MONICA: You are!

Phoebe chews quietly on her cookie.

Later at Central Perk- Ross is still telling them about his lecture. Joey is asleep – the girls are all gazing into space very bored.

ROSS: So that was why the soil was so different - despite the fact that the chemical composition was actually identical.

CHANDLER: Fascinating. Really fascinating. So tell me that part about the role of the earth worm in this. This is so interesting.

The rest get up to leave.

CHANDLER: Sorry Ross (To Monica) So do you want me to come with you to get baby stuff?

MONICA: OK honey. If you can drag yourself away.

CHANDLER: You know, after we have the quins, do you think we could try again? I like the idea of a big family.

ROSS: And seven is a small family? Are you going for a full ice hockey team there Chandler?

JOEY: That’d be so cool.

MONICA: Well let’s just see how we go with this lot Chandler. I kinda think we may need to rent the Empire State Building just to house the children if we tried for another pregnancy.

RACHEL: Oh I need to get some maternity clothes too – can I come?

CHANDLER: Why do you need maternity stuff? Are you pregnant too? Ross you didn’t say – congratulations!

Everyone looks very awkward.

RACHEL: No I just wanted to get some things for… Monica.

PHOEBE: (whispering) Monica we might want to do a bit of tweaking on the hypnosis….

MONICA: (sarcastic) Ya think?

…………………..

Monica and Chandler’s. All but Ross.

CHANDLER: So what was the name of the girl you were with last night Joey?

JOEY: (thinks) No - can’t remember.

CHANDLER: Well it shows what a really great guy you must be to have all these women so interested in you.

RACHEL: Oh please! – It’s not something to be admired.

CHANDLER: Well I understand your point of view Rachel but I admire all my friends and Joey is one of the most intelligent people I know, aside from Phoebe of course.

RACHEL: Yeah and Bill Clinton "did not have sex with that woman".

CHANDLER: You think he was lying? You are so well informed Rachel. You must read all the papers.

MONICA: If Vogue counts as all the papers.

Chandler picks up his brushes and goes into the new apartment, we just catch a smirk as he leaves. The others all stare after him.

RACHEL: He’s having us on right –that so interested in Ross and mega admiration for us – he must be messing with us. That is not Chandler!

JOEY: I find it creepy. He’s so agreeable the whole time.

MONICA: I miss his jokes. Pheebs can we have the jokes back please?

PHOEBE: What do you think this is computer programming?

RACHEL: Do you know I managed to have a half-hour conversation with him about whether a woman should wear pants with boots or shoes. Not one crack about whips or which was easier to get off – nothing.

MONICA: Yeah. I think we might actually need him to make fun of some of us.

PHOEBE: I agree with Rach. I think he’s messing with us.

MONICA: You mean he was never under hypnosis? He must have been. There’s no way he knows about Rachel and he’s changed, he’s relaxed and happy and boy is he horny.

PHEOBE: Oh I’m certain I got him under. There were things he did and said that he wouldn’t have done… but there’s no guarantee he stayed under. If it’s not genuine he’ll crack.

JOEY: Or we will. So what else did he do and say Phoebe?

………

Monica and Chandler’s. Phoebe sitting at the table with a magazine. Joey enters.

JOEY: Where’s Chandler? I’ve got tickets for tonight’s game.

PHOEBE: I’ve only just got here but from the noise, and the fact the door is shut, I’d guess he’s in the bath with Monica.

JOEY: My God do they never stop?

PHOEBE: Tell me about it. I only came over here to get away from Ross and Rachel doing it. I mean its half past two in the afternoon!

JOEY: Yeah the cravings Monica and Rachel seem to be getting are nothing to do with food. Well when he comes out can you tell him? (listening) Do they have a wave machine in there?

PHOEBE: Yeah I think its called Chandler.

OS. MONICA: CHANDLER ! Oh my God where is it? - What have you done?

Joey and Phoebe run to the bath room door wondering what is going on. You only see Joey and Phoebe at the door during this next part. You can imagine their faces.

OS CHANDLER: (panicking) It’s not my fault - it just sort of got sucked up there.

OS MONICA: Well get it out!

OS CHANDLER: I can’t – it’s gone in too… deep – perhaps that was what Phil Collins was really singing about?

OS MONICA: Chandler! What am I supposed to do - wait until the babies are born?

OS CHANDLER: Can’t you just sort of push it back out.

OS MONICA: NO!

OS CHANDLER: Well there’s nothing to get a grip on. I can’t shift it.

OS MONICA: Can’t you break bits off or something?

Joey cringes.

OS CHANDLER: No I need something to really get a grip

JOEY: (Whispering to Phoebe) No chance with Chandler managing that…

MONICA: Well I can’t leave it there.

CHANDLER: Well at least the babies will come out clean… or something more sympathetic and helpful….

Joey and Phoebe run from the door as they hear someone coming out. Monica comes out with her robe around her and realize, in surprise, that they were listening. She is in a bad mood.

MONICA: So is this our apartment or is it a public building?

CHANDLER: We have to take Monica to the hospital now.

JOEY: What the hell did you do to her?

CHANDLER: Soap sort of slipped away from me…

PHOEBE: Well he always was a dropper.

MONICA: Chandler get dressed!

CHANDLER: Coming sweetums..

…….

Monica and Chandler’s. Monica and Chandler are back from the hospital. Joey and Phoebe are still there. Monica is cooking, clearly still angry with Chandler. Chandler is sitting on the couch watching television. Rachel and Ross come rushing in.

ROSS: We just heard that Chandler had to take you to the hospital. Everything OK?

Monica just frowns and continues to cook. Ross looks at the other for information.

PHOEBE: Monica slipped on the soap.

RACHEL: Oh my God - did you bang your head? Are you OK?

JOEY: I don’t think Phoebe explained it very well. It was kinda the other way round.

RACHEL: The soap … (puts her hands to her face) Oh my! (whispers to Monica) Is Chandler still not on form?

MONICA: I wasn’t alone! It was Chandler – he was kinda fooling around and ya know…

JOEY: Perhaps that’s why they make soap on a rope.

RACHEL: And you had to go to hospital to get it removed? God that must have been embarrassing.

MONICA: It could have been worse. The doctor’s last patient had a pool ball.. which proved much more difficult.

RACHEL: How did she get a pool ball…no don’t answer that.

MONICA: He actually.

JOEY and ROSS: ewww

CHANDLER gets up, clearly feeling guilty: You OK now though aren’t you Mon?

MONICA: Still not talking to you.

CHANDLER: Well how was I supposed to know that you would….

MONICA: We’ve been sleeping together more than two years. You would think that you would know by now that at certain moments muscles…. pull in

CHANDLER: I’m away with the clouds at that moment not swatting up on my biology.

RACHEL: Yeah. Ross would have known.

CHANDLER: Can’t we just make it up I mean, if I’m going to be able to sit still, I kinda need to get back to those clouds sometime this evening…and you said I could go to the game with Joey and Ross so…

MONICA: No you don’t – I still sting.

CHANDLER: Well I think I might be able to find some ….medicine to cure that.

MONICA: No Way!

ROSS: Actually Mon – I never thought I would encourage him like this. But he’s right you need to get your acidity levels back to normal. Soap is very alkaline and it would have a dehydrating effect on you so to balance ….

JOEY: Dude - I think he wanted sex not a chemistry experiment.

RACHEL: Well it sure beats peeing on her!

………

Monica and Chandler’s bedroom the following morning. Chandler is staring across at Monica in her underwear as she gets dressed.

MONICA: Something wrong? You don’t want to – not again!

CHANDLER: No – though now you mention it. I was just looking at your… you’re getting a bump already.

MONICA: (smiling and holding her tummy) Yeah – I know.

CHANDLER: Just as well we’re getting married soon…

MONICA: Yeah – you really OK with this now?

Chandler bends down and gently kisses her tummy.

CHANDLER: I think it’ll be cool. Who wants to be like normal couples and have only one baby at a time. I mean how boring is that? Do you think I should get a whistle like that guy in the Sound of Music? You know - to bring them all to order.

MONICA: Only if you want me to become a nun.

 

CHANDLER: Don’t put that thought in my head – I’ll be late for work. Though… do you think you could go borrow the costume for when I get back…

………………

Monica and Chandler’s later that morning. Chandler has just left for work. Monica is left talking to Phoebe.

MONICA: Phoebe - when Chandler was under hypnosis did you by any chance mention our sex life?

PHOEBE: Yeah – I told him that he would want you like he did when you were first together.

MONICA: I thought you might have said something like that.

PHOEBE: You’re welcome - Oh – is that a problem?

MONICA: Phoebe I am pregnant with quintuplets and he wants it ALL the time. I mean seven times a night, every night, can be a little tiring.

PHOEBE: So what do you want him like in bed if not the beginning?

MONICA: Well it was nice back in March last year.

PHOEBE: I really don’t think I can get him to remember his performance on specific dates.

MONICA: OK then what about back to how he was before I got pregnant?

PHOEBE: That should work. I’ll come round tonight to sort this and the other things out.

MONICA: Don’t forget the "Phoebe is the most intelligent woman on earth" thing needs sorting too if you don’t want to end up doing all his tax returns.

PHOEBE: I think he’s messing with that – but I can check – right - I have to go and squeeze naked bodies all day. I’ll see you later.

MONICA: Wait - second thoughts - let me have one more night of him like he is now – its kinda of fun. Do it tomorrow - and this time I’m not leaving you alone with him. I don’t want you finding out anything else.

PHOEBE: What else don’t you want me to know then? Well have fun with the nun’s outfit!

MONICA: Do you listen at doors?

PHOEBE: Of course….. not!

 

……………………

Central Perk. All are there except Monica, Phoebe and Chandler who are just entering. Phoebe gives the thumbs up sign behind his back.

CHANDLER: I had the best day. I found out that my company gives a weeks paternity leave which is doubled if you have twins. I’m going to be off work for nearly two months next year!

MONICA: Seven weeks of you at home! (smiles) So you will be able to help me with the babies?

CHANDLER (sarcastic): No I thought I would catch up on my golf.

RACHEL: You get more paternity leave than I get maternity leave. That’s hardly fair.

CHANDLER: Well perhaps the intellectual debate on sleeve lengths would not survive for more than a couple of weeks without your input Rach. I mean if you’re a member of the essential services….

JOEY: Whoah – sounds to me like Captain Von Trapp is feeling more like his old self.

CHANDLER: (Realises they all know about the nun thing by their silly smiles – looks for a diversion and then spots Ross) What have you done to your hair? Is it physically possible to get any more gel on it – were you going for some sort of record?

ROSS: So when do we get to see the new apartment?

CHANDLER: With that hair? You might drip goo all over the place and we would never be able to tell whether it was your goo or baby ….goo.

ROSS: (pleased that Chandler is having a go and anxious to encourage him) You think I should use less gel?

CHANDLER: Ross it looks like an oil slick. I keep expecting to find Friends of the Earth at your place dipping you in detergent.

JOEY and ROSS ( jump up and put their arms around him – knocking him side ways) : Yeeeea. Chandler’s back!

CHANDLER (very bemused and rather worried): OK - Freaky - what did I say?

 

 Continued in TOW the Worst Dates Ever