The One With Central Park


Written by: Christian Cornelis


INTRO

Central Perk. The friends are sitting in the couches.

Monica (to Joey): "You mean that? They actually called you 'Little Willie' when you

were at high school?"

Joey: "Yeah, they did! And they were so wrong, 'cause …well, you understand, don't

you?"

Monica: "I'm afraid I do."

Joey: "Didn't you have a nickname?"

Monica: "No, I didn't."

Rachel: "Because you didn't know about it!"

Monica: "So, how did they call me?"

Ross: "Doesn't 'Queen of the Fatlands' ring a bell?"

Chandler: "I was going for something like 'Silly' …you know …from 'Silly Cone'."

Monica: "So, how did they call you, Chandler? Bob Dope?"

Chandler: "Wait ...no, I don't have to laugh."

Phoebe: "You know, when I was a kid, there was this girl living in our street who was

named 'Stone'. Do you know how we called her?"

They all say they have no idea.

Phoebe: "We called her 'Kathy', ...'cause that was her first name, you know."

SCENE 1

Chandler's and Joey's apartment. Joey' s watching the lottery

on t.v.. Chandler's standing at the counter.

Chandler (almost yelling): "Hey Joey, what are the first 3 numbers?"

Joey:"6, 9 and 3."

Chandler: "I've already seen that episode."

At once, Ross enters.

Ross: "I wanna kill myself."

Chandler: "Could one be more sad?"

Joey: "What's wrong, Ross?"

Ross: "I have to do one of these exam-things."

Joey: "What?"

Ross: "Yeah, my boss makes me take part in an exam because he wants to improve

the level of the museum."

Joey: "Couldn't he just introduce talking dinosaurs or something similar?"

Chandler: "Joey, you know your brain?"

Joey: "Yeah."

Chandler: "It can be used for stuff, you know!"

Ross: "I think I'm going to fail this exam!"

Joey: "When is it?"

Ross: "Within 2 days."

Joey (thinking very intensive): "So ...that's the day after tomorrow, right?"

Chandler: "You see, now you're using your brain."

Ross: "Do you guys want to help me studying?"

Joey: "Sure, what do we have to do?"

Ross: "Well, I've brought these books with me...."

Ross takes a bag and takes a few books out of it. He gives them

to Chandler.

Ross: "...So if you guys could ask me a couple of questions, you'd really be a big

help."

Chandler takes a look at the books.

At once, a Playboy-magazine falls on the floor from in between

the books. Chandler takes it.

Chandler: "Don't you know these things yet? I mean, that's not what the exam is

about, right!?"

Ross: "No, it's about ancient history, but I thought ...every good student has one of

these, so..."

Chandler: "Here you go, Joey. Your 'New York Times' has arrived."

Chandler throws the Playboy-magazine at Joey.

Chandler (taking a seat): "O.k., let's see."

Chandler opens one of the books.

Chandler: "O.k., I've got a nice question here. Who's Zeus?"

Ross: "Zeus? ...uh ...he ...should ....be the chief-god of ...the Greek."

Meanwhile, Joey also has taken a book.

Joey: "I've got one!"

Chandler: "And we all are very happy about that."

Joey: "Who's Reuss?" (notice the analogy with 'Ross')

Chandler: "Chief-god of the Geek?"

Chandler and Joey laugh.

Ross: "Very funny, guys."

Joey: "Now I've got a real question. What can you tell me about the Mask of

Tutanchamon?"

Ross starts telling.

Cut to a few hours later. Ross is still telling.

Chandler and Joey are totally exhausted. They lie in the couches

with books on their heads. At once, Chandler wakes up and gets

up.

Chandler: "O.k., that's enough, Ross! You've got a triple A Plus!"

Joey also wakes up.

Joey: "Hey, I've just had this funny dream about mummies and pharaohs and

pyramids."

Chandler: "I've had the same thing going on. And now I can't get the stupid song

'Walk Like An Egyptian' out of my head!"

SCENE 2

Central Perk. Joey, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the

couches.

Monica: "Hey, you guys wanna have supper at my place?"

Chandler & Joey: "Yeah! Sure!"

Monica: "So, what do you wanna eat?"

Joey: "I don't know."

Monica: "You like Veal?"

Chandler: "Yeah… but don't tell her I had lunch with Lamb yesterday."

Monica (to Joey): "So, how are things going with Barbara?"

Joey: "Pretty great! …But …uh ...she kind of snores."

Chandler: "That's good! That means there was good sex!"

Joey: "Yeah… well… actually, she snores while …we're having sex."

Monica: "She actually snores or is it like …humming? You know, like …(in crescendo,

as if she's coming)… hummina …hummina …hummina…"

Joey: "No, when we start cuddling, she makes purring noises like a cat; when we go

further, she starts growling like a dog… and when she's reaching the top, it's

like I'm having sex with an icebear!"

Chandler: "Yeah, well, those are stuff which can happen when you're dating the

zoo!"

Phoebe enters.

Phoebe: "Hey guys!"

She takes a seat.

Phoebe: "Oeh! I can smell there's like magic in the air!"

Chandler: "Oh! That's my stomach doing the gas-act!"

Monica (to Phoebe): "How was your day?"

Phoebe: "Just another day, you know. …No excitement, no fun, no interesting auras

to cleans. …Oeh! But I had to massage Tom Cruise's butt!"

Monica (excited): "Oh my god! Really?"

Phoebe: "Yeah! Or it was, you know, …a look-a-like butt."

SCENE 3

Rachel's and Monica's apartment. Monica's taking a nap in one

of the couches. At once, Chandler enters. He's pretty upset.

Chandler: "O.k., I'm getting so sick of this!"

Monica gets up. She's not really happy about Chandler waking

her up.

Monica: "Really? You also don't like it when people wake you up?"

Chandler: "Oh, I'm sorry, Mon! But I really have to talk to you."

Monica: "O.k., come here."

Chandler goes sitting next to Monica.

Monica: "Are you sitting comfortable? O.k., now tell me. What's bothering you?"

Chandler: "It's just, well ...you see, I was talking to this girl on the phone and we

were getting along very well and then I asked her whether she'd like to

go out with me."

Monica: "Yeah! And what did she say?"

Chandler: "She said no. I so don't get it. Do you know why nobody wants to be my

girlfriend?"

Monica: "That's not true! I'm sure there are lots of girls out there who would like to

be your girlfriend."

Chandler: "Yeah, right! Even my imaginary girlfriend doesn't want to take me on a

date."

At once, Phoebe enters. She's holding an envelope in her hand.

Phoebe: "Hey guys, guess what I received! A love letter!"

Chandler: "I received a sample of the latest toilet paper with extra soft pads. God

must love me!"

Phoebe: "Oeh! That's not a happy voice! What happened?"

Monica: "He thinks he'll never ever have a girlfriend."

Phoebe: "Really? Why don't you wanna have a girlfriend?"

Chandler: "You see, Phoebs, I wanna have a girlfriend. They don't want me. Tell me,

Phoebe, what's wrong about me?"

Phoebe: "Well, you always ...nothing!"

Chandler: "Nono, tell me!"

Phoebe: "Nothing!!! You know what? I'm going in your mind. I wanna know what's

wrong in there."

Phoebe takes a seat in the couch.

Phoebe: "O.k., close your eyes."

Chandler closes his eyes. So does Phoebe.

Phoebe: "O.k., I'm going in."

Chandler frowns.

Phoebe: "Oh my god! It's so big and dark in here! Could you make some light,

please? ...Thank you, that's much better!"

Chandler: "What you're seeing?"

Phoebe: "Wait! ...Oh yeah, here it is. You've got some problems with being yourself.

If you really want to make a commitment to a girl, you have to show her

who you really are."

Monica: "That makes sense."

Chandler: "So, you think that's all I have to do?"

Phoebe: "Oh yeah! The rest will come automatically."

Chandler: "Thanks, Phoebe! You've been a big he... hey, where are you now? I don't

know where you are, but you're certainly not in my mind!"

Phoebe: "I'm in ...hey, Ross was right about the birthmark on your willie!"

Chandler: "O.k., come out of there! Leave my body right now!"

Phoebe: "O.k., o.k., I'm gone!"

Chandler gets up.

Chandler: "Thanks, girls. I'm feeling much better now."

Monica: "Hey, we're here for you, babe!"

Phoebe: "So, what you're going to do now?"

Chandler: "I don't know. I guess I'm going to think about what you've just said."

Monica: "You're so serious, Chand."

Chandler: "Yeah, it's killing me."

Chandler goes to the door and leaves the apartment.

Monica: "So, tell me, who wrote you the love letter?"

Phoebe: "Do you remember Danny?"

Monica: "Let me think ...no ...could you describe him?"

Phoebe: "Well, he's tall; he's got short, blond hair and blue eyes ...oeh, and he's got

a penis."

Monica: "Oh yeah, I remember him! Oh my god, he's a hunk! So, he wrote you the

letter?"

Phoebe: "No, but the guy who wrote the letter also knows Danny."

Monica: "So, what's his name? What does he write?"

Phoebe: "His name is Chris and he writes he's been in love with me for the last 2

months and he wants to talk to me. So, he asks whether I could come to

Montell's at 8 o'clock tonight."

Monica: "That's great! Are you going to do it?"

Phoebe: "I wish I could, but I've got an appointment with Nicky, my spiritual

advisor."

Monica: "Huh!? I thought Nicky has died recently."

Phoebe: "Yeah, that's the sad part about it."

Monica: "You have to go and talk to that guy!"

Phoebe: "You think I should?"

Monica: "No, you have to sit in your couch doing nothing and waiting until Mr. Right

falls into your lap!"

Phoebe: "You think I should?"

Monica: "No, of course not! Go to Montell's!"

Phoebe: "Yeah… maybe."

SCENE 4

Monica's and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are sitting in

the couches. Rachel leaves the bedroom.

Rachel: "Has anyone seen my slippers?"

Ross: "No. Why, are you guys playing Hide 'n Seek again?"

Rachel takes a seat in one of the couches.

Monica: "O.k., Rachel, I bet you don't dare to wear this hat during 1 day."

Monica shows a hat with a lot of colorful, fake flowers on top.

Rachel: "Really!?"

Monica: "Yeah!"

Rachel: "O.k., we'll see that. How much money do you wanna bet?"

Monica: "Let's see ...30 dollars."

Rachel: "Done! Give me the lousy thing!"

Monica gives the hat to Rachel. Rachel puts it on her head.

Ross: "I'm not taking you out tonight!"

Everybody, except for Rachel, starts laughing. Chandler enters at

the very same moment. He sees that everybody is laughing.

Chandler: "O.k., you can tell me whatever you want to, but something funny has just

happened in here!"

At once, Chandler notices Rachel's flower-hat.

Chandler: "Hey Rach, that artificial fertilization is finally paying off!"

Monica: "Hey, Chandler. How are you doing?"

Chandler: "Much better, thank you. In fact, I called this girl back and I asked her why

she doesn't want to go out with me. And it seems you guys were right.

She thought I was playing this kind of a role. So, I promised her not to

hide the real me anymore. ...And the result of all this is that I'm dating

tonight!"

Ross: "Dating as in 'having a date' or dating as in 'dreaming about a date'?"

Chandler: "The first one."

They all react very enthusiastic.

At once, Phoebe enters.

Rachel: "Hey, Phoebe, do you already know it?"

Phoebe (very happy): "Yeah, isn't it great!?"

Strange faces.

Rachel: "Chandler's got a date for tonight!"

Phoebe: "Oh no, why?"

Monica: "So, Phoebs, have you already decided what you're going to do about this

Chris-guy?"

Phoebe: "I'm going to do it."

Ross: "Who's the Chris-guy?"

Phoebe: "He wrote me a love letter."

Ross: "What a jerk!"

Rachel: "And what you're going to do?"

Phoebe: "I'm meeting him tonight at Montell's."

Ross: "So, there actually are 2 people in this very livingroom who have a date

tonight? I'm feeling left out!"

Rachel: "Honey, we could also..."

Ross: "No! I'm not going out with someone who's doing Central Park!"

 

 

SCENE 5

Central Perk. Ross, Joey, Monica and Rachel are sitting in the

couches.

Joey: "Listen to this! Last night, I had this dream Nicole Eggert was pregnant!"

Monica: "That's a nice dream!"

Joey: "Yeah! I know! It must have been one of these 'to-be-continued-dreams',

'cause the night before I dreamt I got her pregnant."

Ross: "That's an even nicer dream!"

At once, Chandler and a girl enter. They come to the rest of the

guys.

Chandler: "Hey, guys! I'd like you to meet Patricia Carter. Patricia, these are the

people I have to put up with every day. That's Ross, Joey, Monica and

Rachel."

Patricia: "Hey, all of you."

They all welcome her.

Joey: "So, you're the girl who's crazy enough to go out with him, right!?"

Chandler: "Yes, that's Joey, but not for long anymore!"

Meanwhile, Patricia and Chandler have taken a seat.

Rachel (reading in a magazine): "Oh hey, the Dodgers are playing the Chicago Bulls

tonight! You know what, we should do one of these

prognostics!"

Monica: "What!?"

Rachel: "You know ...a prognostic, where people put in..."

Monica:"I know what a prognostic is! I'm not dumb, you know!"

Chandler: "I'm glad that's clarified now!"

Rachel: "I'm going to get something to write with ...I'll be back in a sec!"

Monica: "That's one of the most favorite lines of dates of mine. ...Actually I still

expect 5 guys to arrive every moment."

Rachel leaves.

Patricia (whispering): "Could one of you explain to me why she's wearing that hat?"

Chandler (also whispering): "That's Rachel Green."

Patricia laughs.

Chandler (whispering): "No, she really is".

Monica (whispering): "We've bet she wouldn't dare to wear this hat during 1 day."

Patricia: "Oh!"

Rachel returns. She notices the other guys whispering.

Rachel: "What are you guys whispering about?"

Chandler: "About what you shouldn't hear."

Rachel: "That's an acceptable explanation.

Rachel takes her seat back. She takes the pen and a piece

of paper.

Rachel: "O.k., what do you say, Ross? Who's going to win?"

Ross: "Dodgers!"

Rachel: "Monica?"

Ross: "No, the Dodgers!"

Rachel: "I mean, 'What do you think, Monica?'."

Monica: "Bulls!"

Rachel: "Joey?"

Joey: "Bulls!"

Rachel: "Chandler?"

Chandler: "Dodgers!"

Rachel (to Patricia):"And ...uh ...I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name very well. What is

your name again?"

Patricia: "I'm not so fond of prognostics and that kind of stuff, so I'm passing here!"

Rachel: "O.k., is that spelled with an 'i' or a 'y'?"

At once, Phoebe enters. She's coming from her date with Chris.

Monica: "Oh, hey Phoebe! How did it go with Chris?"

Phoebe: "Oh ...uh ....not that well ...uhuh!"

Rachel: "Why not? What happened?"

Phoebe takes a seat.

Phoebe: "Well, you know that when you have a date with someone at a certain place

you also come to that place, right?"

Rachel: "Yeah!"

Phoebe: "Well, I think he doesn't know that!"

Monica: "Oh my god! He didn't show up?"

Phoebe: "Yeah, he didn't ...or else he was just very quiet and, you know, ...invisible."

 

 

 

SCENE 6

Monica's and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Chandler are sitting

in the couches. Monica's mopping the floor.

Chandler: "I'm having a breast-problem."

Rachel: "What do you mean?"

Chandler: "I haven't seen any for about 2 months."

Phoebe enters. She still seems to be pretty sad.

Monica: "Hey hey! Watch out! I'm mopping the floor!"

Phoebe: "And you're very good at it!"

Phoebe goes to the couch and takes a seat.

Chandler: "So, how are you doing, Phoebs?"

Phoebe: "I wish I could say 'fine'."

Rachel: "You shouldn't feel so strongly about this, Phoebe. Maybe it's for the best he

stood you up."

Chandler: "Yeah, love and happiness can be such a pain in the butt ...no, that makes

no sense, Rach."

Phoebe: "I just don't understand it! First, he writes me a letter and then he does

something like this to me! ...You know, yesterday I felt so great and now

...I so don't! What's happening to me?"

Chandler: "Well, your ears are getting out of proportion, you're getting very swollen,

your skin is becoming grey ...and, oh! is that a beard?"

Phoebe: "I mean, it's like I don't have a goal in life anymore."

Monica: "You can't let that happen! You always should have a goal in life!"

Phoebe: "Oh yeah! Tell me Monica, what is your goal in life?"

Monica: "My goal in life is (thinking) ...having a goal ...in life."

Phoebe (to the girls): "It's just ...don't you ever have that feeling of 'oh my god, I

hate being a woman!'?"

Chandler: "Yeah, all the time!"

Monica: "Hey Chandler, could you help me for just a minute here?"

Chandler: "No, I'm very selfish, you know!"

Monica: "Come on!"

Chandler: "No! What the hack! I'm so selfish I even have sex with my self!"

Rachel takes a look at her watch.

Rachel: "Hey Monica, within 2 minutes I can take this hat off. I'll get your purse!"

Rachel gets up and is about to go to the kitchen. But then she

stumbles over a bucket of Monica. The hat falls on the floor.

Monica: "And the winner is ...me!"

Rachel gets up again.

Rachel: "What! I stumbled over your stupid bucket and the hat fell off! I didn't take it

off!"

Monica: "No, but the bet was that you were going to have the hat on your head

during 24 hours ...and the 24 hours haven't passed yet."

Rachel: "That's so unfair! (to Chandler and Phoebe) Come on you guys, help me!"

Chandler: "I'm very selfish, you know!"

Rachel (to Monica): "O.k., you know what? I'll give you the 30 dollars, so you've got

some more money which you're not going to spend!"

Monica: "Listen, let's drop the whole bet, o.k.? I don't owe you, you don't owe me!

Let's forget about it."

Rachel: "So, I've been looking like a dork for the last 23 hours and 58 minutes for

nothing!?"

Monica: "O.k., in that case ...you owe me 30 dollars!"

SCENE 7

Bathroom of Chandler's and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey

are getting ready to go out.

Chandler (looking in the mirror): "I'm looking terrible again!"

Joey: "No, I'm looking good!"

Chandler: "So, what you're doing tonight?"

Joey: "I'm taking my chances for sex. ...And you?"

Chandler: "Definitely sex!"

Joey: "With Patricia?"

Chandler: "No, with Waldo And The Coconuts and a bunch of horny bagpipe players."

Joey: "That's not really something to recommend, 'cause ...oh, you're kidding!"

Chandler: "I just might be!"

Joey: "So, how you're going to do it?"

Chandler: "Is ...there ...more than 1 way ...to do ...it?"

Joey: "I mean, how you're going to approach her?"

Chandler: "I don't know. I'm not going to push it. …Hey! Tell me, should I wear

these boxer shorts or these?"

Chandler shows 2 pairs of boxershorts.

Joey: "Why on earth would you have to choose between 2 pairs of boxer shorts? I

mean ...it's not like you're going to need them!"

SCENE 8

The hall of an apartment-building. Chandler is holding a bouquet

of flowers in his hand. He's looking for a nameplate. Then he

pushes a button. At once, we can hear Patricia's voice through

the intercom.

Voice (of Patricia): "Yes?"

Chandler: "Yes, hey, is this the apartment of Mr. Pimm?"

Patricia: "No, it's the apartment of Miss Carter."

Chandler: "O.k., then I'm at the right place. ...It's me, Chandler."

Patricia: "Oh, hey Chandler, come on up."

SCENE 9

Patricia's apartment. The door's half open. Chandler enters.

Chandler: "Is someone in here? (quietly) Or will I be my own date such as every

night?"

Patricia: "I'm coming!"

Patricia comes to Chandler.

Patricia: "Hey, stud!"

Chandler: "Hey, …studess!"

They kiss. At once, Patricia notices the flowers.

Patricia: "Are those for me?"

Chandler: "Yeah! I helped Rachel weeding her head."

Patricia laughs and takes the flowers.

Patricia: "They're beautiful. ...Hey, they are fake flowers!"

Chandler: "Yeah ...but the advantage is that you can put them in fake water."

Patricia: "I'm going to get a vase."

Patricia goes to the livingroom. Chandler follows her while

taking his coat off.

Chandler: "So, what we're going to do tonight? Is it gonna be ...good?"

Patricia: "Sweetie, ask that last question again tomorrow morning."

Chandler: "Oh yeah, it's gonna be good!"

 

SCENE 10

The next morning. Chandler and Patricia are lying in bed in

Patricia's bedroom. As soon as the camera starts taping,

Chandler comes from a lying position to a sitting position in bed.

Chandler: "Oh yeah! It was good!"

Patricia: "I have had the most incredible night of my life!"

Chandler: "Me too! Actually, I'm still feeling a little dizzy and confused ...hey, how

much is 2 again?"

Patricia: "You know what I'd like to do?"

Chandler: "No, but I hope it involves you, me and a bed."

Patricia: "No, I'd like to call my friends."

Chandler: "Because you want to brag about me or because you like having huge

phonebills?"

Patricia: "Because I wanna brag, of course."

Chandler: "Hey, what's the time?"

Patricia takes a look at her watch.

Patricia: "Half past eight."

Chandler: "Oh shit! Please tell me it's Sunday."

Patricia: "No, it's Tuesday."

Chandler: "I'm already late for work. I really have to go."

Patricia: "Nono, don't go."

Patricia takes Chandler's arm.

Chandler: "Well, I could ask my doctor to write me a note."

Patricia: "Well, there you go."

Chandler: "No, my boss would think this is a way too pleasant disease."

Patricia: "O.K.! But you have to promise me one thing."

Chandler: "You name it, I promise."

Patricia: "You have to drive carefully."

Chandler: "Hmm …that's the weirdest thing I've ever had to promise to a girl after

having slept with her."

SCENE 11

Chandler's sitting in his car. The car is standing at the side of the

road. The cardoor is open. Chandler's talking to a cop.

Chandler: "I'm telling you! I wasn't speeding!"

Cop: "Yes you were! Even a fighter jet wouldn't have been able to catch you."

Chandler: "How would you know? You were fining this fine young woman because

her skirt wasn't short enough!"

Cop: "O.k., one more word, and I'm taking you with me to the police office because

of defamation, o.k.!?"

Chandler: "Hey, you've just said the word 'o.k.' twice in the same sentence!....That's

against the law!"

Cop: "I'm getting mad! ...You're acting as if you're the most important person of the

world!"

Chandler: "Hey ...I've just had sex! ...I own the world!"

Cop: "O.k., that's it! Get out of the car now!"

Chandler: "What!? You're giving me a fine because I've had sex? ...Who are you?

...Officer Headache?"

Cop: "No, I'm putting you in jail because you've got absolutely no respect for

your authorities plus you were speeding. ...Believe me, I've been having many

of years of experience with cases like this!"

Chandler: "Oh my god, are you already so old?"

Cop: "Huh!? I even didn't mention how many years!"

Chandler: "Oh my god, are you already so forgetful?"

Cop: "Come out of the car!"

Chandler leaves the car.

SCENE 12

Prison at the police office. The prison consists of a room that's

separated from the rest of the office by bars. Chandler's wal-

king around. One of the guards comes to the cell.

Guard: "Mr. Bing!?"

Chandler: "That would be me or the exploding guy."

Guard: "I called Miss Geller as you asked me to and she said she'll be here within 10

minutes."

Chandler: "O.k., that's very nice of you. Now, could you also call the pizzeria and

order a Pepperoni? ...I'm really starving."

The guard leaves.

There's another guy sitting on a bench in the cell. He looks like a

real criminal. He's terribly big and fat, he's baldheaded and his

arms are tattooed.

Chandler (to the guy): "Hey, you wanna hear a joke?"

Criminal (with a very low voice): "I hate jokes."

Chandler: "Hey, here's something funny ...I'm going to shut up and take that seat at

the bench against the very opposite wall of you."

Chandler goes to the bench and takes a seat.

Criminal: "Why you're in here?"

Chandler: "Speeding ...and you?"

Criminal: "Just speed."

Chandler: "Oh! ...So ...what's your name?"

Criminal: "Big Tony."

Chandler: "Because you're big and you're actually named Tony...or because your

Mom was short and hated the Oscars?"

Big Tony: "What's your name?"

Chandler: "Chandler Bing. ...And that's so not a joke!"

A few moments of silence.

Chandler: "Damn it! ...God is so lucky I don't believe in him, 'cause otherwise I'd kick

his butt!"

Chandler: "So tell me, Oh Big One, ...are you a believer?"

Big Tony: "Oh yeah, I believe very strongly."

Chandler: "So, what do you believe in?"

Big Tony: "In frogs and stuff ...you know, ...everything that lives in the water but

doesn't drown."

Chandler: "That's a religion I've never heard of. How is it like?"

Big Tony: "Well, I believe that when I kiss a frog, it turns into a princess."

Chandler: "I believe ...that when I kiss a nutcase, it remains a nutcase."

Big Tony (getting mad): "What do you mean by that!?"

Chandler: "Oh ...uh ...nothing. It's a whole belief-system, you know. It's very hard to

explain!"

Big Tony: "Oh! I see!"

Chandler: "Of course you do! (aside) ...You frogkissing maniac!"

SCENE 13

Prison at the police office. Chandler's looking at his watch and

every second he puts a little pin-stripe on the wall with chalk. At

once, Monica and Phoebe come to the cell.

Monica: "Chandler!?"

Chandler: "Girl yelling my name! Can't be bad!"

Chandler turns around.

Chandler: "Monica! Finally!"

Monica: "What you're doing here?"

Chandler: "Well, all the monkeybars at the playground were taken, so I came here!"

While saying this, Chandler points at the bars.

Monica: "Listen, I bailed you out, so you can go with us now."

Chandler: "Thanks, girls."

Phoebe: "Yeah, but before we're going to set you free, I first am going to be very

mad at you ...you know, like a ...uh ...how is it cal..."

Chandler: "Would you move on!"

Phoebe: "O.k. ...a very angry person."

Phoebe places her hands on her sides and is about to teach

Chandler a lesson. But suddenly she starts to laugh really hard.

Phoebe (laughing): "That's a tickling position! (she means her hands being placed on

her sides) ...This is so cool! I even didn't know I have tickles!"

SCENE 14

Chandler's and Joey's apartment. Joey enters.

He carries a painting.

Joey: "Hey, Chand!"

Chandler: "Yeah!?"

Chandler leaves his bedroom.

Joey: "Look what I've bought!"

Joey shows the painting. There are lots of wild colors on it. It's

very ugly.

Chandler: "Oh, hey! ...I think they've saved a spot in Russia where you can hang this

one!"

Joey: "You don't like it?"

Chandler: "Well ...let me think. You always have to think with your emotions when

you criticize art ...no!!!"

Joey: "Why not? Look at the colors."

Chandler: "That's where the 'no' came from."

Joey: "I think it's gonna look nice hanging there above the television."

Chandler: "Oh no, it's so not gonna!"

Joey: "Yes it is!"

Chandler: "No way!"

Joey: "Yes way!"

Chandler: "No way!"

Joey: "Yes way!"

At once, Ross enters.

Ross: "Hey, what's going on in here?"

Chandler: "Oh ...Joey thinks you're a weenie and I don't, so we're having a kind of an

argue here ...but I think, eventually, he (pointing at Joey) is going to win."

Ross: "O.k. ...I really don't like to be the subject of these kind of argues."

Joey: "Tell me, Ross ...what do you think of this painting?"

Ross looks at the painting.

Ross: "O.k. ...I'm going to ask the question that's on the tip of everybody's tongue.

...Who the hell did you kill with it?"

Joey: "I'm sorry, but I think this is great art!"

Chandler: "Yeah, but you even think a stuffed ant is art."

Joey lays the painting on the football table

Ross: "I'm going to this exam now."

Chandler: "Oh yeah, right! Good luck, man!"

Ross: "Yeah, well… I studied all night long, so I'm pretty tired now."

Chandler: "I also studied all night long. …Of course, I've already taken test."

Ross: "Don't you have some instant coffee? I hardly can keep my eyes open."

Chandler (looking for some instant coffee): "No… but I've got instant water."

Ross: "Maybe Mon's got some. …See you, guys."

Ross leaves.

Joey: "Oh! Chandler! I have to tell you something. …Last night, I dreamt I had sex

with Patricia, your girlfriend."

Chandler: "What!?"

Joey: "Yeah… I mean, it's not like I'm proud of it …although, I kind of am. …Anyway,

I had to tell you."

Chandler: "No, you hadn't! You have no right of telling me this!"

Joey: "I'm sorry, but, you know, if it would have been you who dreamt about having

sex with my girlfriend, I wouldn't mad at you."

Chandler: "Hey! Hey! This is about you! You're the one who slept with my girlfriend!"

OUTRO

Central Perk. Chandler, Rachel, Monica & Phoebe are sitting in

the couches.

Phoebe: "Hey Chand! What would you do if you'd be as big and powerful as the ruler

of the world?"

Chandler: "I'd be very mad, 'cause they don't have condoms in that size."

At once, Joey enters. He's holding a newspaper in his hand.

Joey: "I've got the ultimate solution of how to find a job."

Monica: "Really? How?"

Joey gives the newspaper to Monica. He points at a particular

article.

Monica: "Hey, you've put an advertisement in the paper!"

Joey: "Yeah, read it out loud!"

Monica (reading the advertisement out loud): "Wanted: a job."

Joey makes a face as if this is a very good idea.

Chandler: "Hey, I've never done something like this before!"

Phoebe: "You mean you've never put an advertisement in a paper?"

Chandler: "No, I mean I've never done a stupid thing like this before."

At once, Ross enters. He comes from the exam.

Ross: "Hey!"

Monica: "Hey, Ross, how did it go?"

Ross: "I missed just 1 lousy question."

Phoebe: "That's not so bad."

Ross: "Yeah, well ...not if the question was 'What's your name?'."

Joey: "You're such an idiot!"

Ross: "In a ...positive ...way?"

Rachel: "You really couldn't remember your name?"

Ross: "Yeah, I couldn't. I don't know why. It's like I lost all self-control. But when I

came to my senses again, it went pretty well."

Chandler: "You see! There wasn't a thing to worry about."

Rachel: "Oh Monica, before I'd forget ...do you wanna do something for me?"

Monica: "Yeah, sure! What do I have to do?"

Rachel: "Well, I give you 30 dollars ...(meanwhile, she takes a bag) ...if you're going

to wear this ...(she takes a bra with a huge, fake hotdog on each cup out of

the bag and shows it to Monica) ...during the next 24 hours."

Monica gets up and wants to hit Rachel. Rachel runs away from

Monica. Monica tries to catch her. That's when the view freezes.

 

Copyright 1998 Sabam