Written by: L.Howard
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
[Scene One: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: (not happy) Hi..
Phoebe: Hi, whats up?
Ross: I've just come from seeing Ben, he wants to know why, if Mummy has a wife haw come Daddy hasn't?
Rachel: Huh, did you tell him you've actually had three?
Ross: Ha, real funny don't forget you were one of them!
Rachel: Sorry just trying to help.
Ross: I don't know what to tell him. I don't want him to think only girls have wives. I need to show him boys also like girls. What can I do?
Phoebe: Why don't you take him to a Strip Club?
Ross: Yeah, I don't think they let 5 year old boys in Pheebs.
Phoebe: Oh, ok why don't you have him stay with Monica and Chandler for a few days? You know let him see a man and woman living together?
Ross: Huh, I want to educate him not scare the hell out of him! Thanks anyway, I guess I'll just have to work something out. Maybe I could tell him that Mummy was Daddy's wife, (starts to get upset) but then she decided she wanted a wife of her own and .
Rachel: Ah Ross, don't you think you kind of missing the point?
Ross: Yeah you're right, I guess I better go discuss this with Carole. (Gets up to go)
Rachel: Best idea you've had yet. Seeya.
(Ross exits Central Perk)
Phoebe: So what are you doing now, want to go see a movie or something?
Rachel: No I can't I have to go home and finish off some work I bought home.
Phoebe: Ok, hey maybe I can help?
Rachel:I don't know Pheebs, do you know anything about stock control?
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Yeeesss, I used to sort out the clothes in the donation bins when I lived on the street so I could get some sleep without all the blood rushing to my head.
Rachel: ummm I don't think that kind of experience would actually help Sweetie, I have to buy clothes for the store, not sort them. Sorry.
Phoebe: Oh, well fine, just don't ask to help me with my work.
Rachel: Pheebs, you don't have any work at the moment.
Phoebe: Yeah well, I play guitar here and if you ever want to sing with me you can't.
[Scene Two: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Monica are on the couch]
Chandler: So what's to eat?
Monica: (annoyed) I don't know, why don't you have a look?
Chandler: Ok sorry, I just thought you might have made some cookies or something.
Monica: (going into her high squeal) Well I haven't, I have been at work all day and I don't necessarily have to come home and make more food just to satisfy you!
Chandler: Geez relax, I just asked a question.
Monica: (apologetic) Oh, I'm sorry, I had the worst day. The waiters stuck a dead fish in my bag and when I went out at lunch-time people were screwing up their noses at me and walking away. This one sales girl actually told me to go take a shower.
Chandler: I wondered what that smell was, but well you know, I didn't like to ask.
Joey: Hey lovebirds, whatcha doing?
Monica: Hi Joe.
Joey: What's that smell?
(Monica gets up takes out some stuff from her bag and then throws the bag in the bin)
Joey: So you up for a game of Hockey tonight?
Chandler: I'm in! How did you get tickets the game has been sold out for weeks?
Joey: This girl I'm partnered with in my acting class is dating one of the players and gave them to me.
Monica: I'm in too!
Joey: Ah sorry Mon, I only have two tickets.
Chandler: You don't even like hockey anyway. You always make me turn it off when I try to watch it on TV.
Joey: Ha Ha, you are so under the thumb man!
Chandler: I am not.
Joey: You are so under the thumb, you've probably even got a bald spot on top of your head.
Chandler: I am not, Monica tell him I'm not under your thumb!
Joey: Oh sure like getting your girlfriend to tell me makes it true!
Chandler: Oh (searching for something to say) Shut-up!!
[Scene Three: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters]
Monica: Hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: Hi. Where's Chandler?
Monica: Not here, (getting annoyed again) why, can't I go out with out him sometimes?
Phoebe: OK breathe. Sorry just asking, what's up?
Monica: Nothing, he's just gone out without me as usual. I think her prefers to spend time with Joey more than me sometimes.
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sure thats not true, he's usually ALWAYS with you.
Monica: What do you mean by that?
Phoebe: Um just that you are um..?
Monica: What are you trying to say Phoebe?
Phoebe: Well you know, that Chandler may have a slight bald spot on top of his head.
Monica: Chandler is not going bald and what has that got to do with him going out without me anyway?
Phoebe: Well lets just say that you could have some sort of controlling influence over him and he might need a break occasionally?
Monica: Hey.. thats sort of what Joey said earlier. Chandler is not whipped!
Phoebe: Oh no I didn't mean whipped. Yeah no I meant he's under the thumb.
Ross: Hey Mon, Pheebs.
Phoebe: So did you and Carole solve your problem?
Monica: What problem?
Ross: Ben wants to know why his mummy has a wife but daddy doesn't.
Monica: What did you tell him?
Ross: Nothing yet, I went to talk to Carole about it but she wasn't home. So I thought that maybe I could get a date and take Ben with us?
Monica: Ha, you thought you could get a date?
Ross: Ha ha mmdnor (some strange noise)
Phoebe: I still think you should try the strip club, you could sneak him in as a midget?
(Monica & Ross look at her strangely)
Ross: Anyway .Have either of you seen Rachel, I thought I might ask her if she would mind coming out with me and Ben.
Monica: Do you think that's a really good idea? Hey why don't you let Ben stay with me and Chandler?
Ross: Ah thanks, but I really want him to be impressed by a strong male influence not another female in charge.
Monica: I am not in charge of Chandler.. well only sometimes. But I let him make most of his own decisions.
Ross: Yeah right.. thats why I always have to put the TV up to the window when the Hockey is on so he can watch it.
Monica: He does what? Oh I thought he was just being thoughtful and checking for spots on the window for me!
Ross: What? Nothing? I didn't say anything? Pheeb's did you hear anything?
Phoebe: Yeah, you just said
(Ross gets up quickly and starts to leave)
Ross: Anyway got to go, so if you see Rach can you get her to call me. See-ya.
(Ross runs out)
[Scene Four: Joey and Chandler walking down the street, after the Hockey]
Chandler: What a win, it is sooo much better to watch a game live than on TV.
Joey: Yeah especially when you have to stick you face up against the window so you can see Ross's TV when its on.
Chandler: Well.. its just because Monica doesn't like all the hitting and crushing.
Joey: No hitting and violence in Hockey, yeah that would be exciting.. NOT!
Chandler: So Joe, when you said I was under the thumb before, did you really mean it?
Joey: Well yeah!
Chandler: It's not that bad, Monica is just used to being in charge, you know as work.
Joey: Yeah thats why she made you take a packed lunch to take to the Hockey.
Chandler: Well OK that is a little unusual, but its easier than dealing with the looks.
Joey: Don't you think you should have a talk to her about it?
Chandler: Talk.. to Monica? Um yeah, no I don't think so.
Joey: You are so whipped!!
Chandler: Yeah well at least I'm not (thinks for something to say) living alone and doing anything I want . Yeah ok I'll talk to her!!
[Scene Five: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is making cookies in the kitchen. Chandler enters]
Chandler: Hey Mon, whatch doing?
Monica: I felt bad for yelling at you so I'm making you cookies.
Chandler: Aw thanks. (Goes over and kisses her)
Monica: How was the game?
Chandler: Great we won.
Monica: Good, we need to talk.
Chandler: Oh oh, this can't be good.
Chandler: Well, whenever a girl I'm with starts a conversation with "we need to talk" it usually meant she was going to dump me.
Monica: I'm not going to dump you, I love you.
Chandler: Whew, I love you too
(They kiss again)
Chandler: So what do you want to talk about?
Monica: This morning when Joey said you were under the thumb did it bother you?
Chandler: well, yes a little why?
Monica: Well I was talking to Phoebe and Ross and they both said similar things.
Chandler: Ok so do you think I'm under the thumb?
Monica: No! Do you?
Chandler: Nooo . Well yeah actually.
Chandler: Well only sometimes.. (quietly) like now. It gets a little embarrassing taking a packed lunch to the Hockey.
Monica: Why don't you just throw it out in the bin downstairs then?
Chandler: You say that huh?
Monica: Yes. Anyway I just like to make sure you are eating the five food groups at each meal.
Chandler: I know you do and I love you for it, I would just like to be able to help you make some decisions and also watch Hockey occassionly?
Monica: Oh, OK from now on I promise to talk to you before I make any decisions that concern both of us, and even though I don't like the violence in Hockey, you can watch it at Ross's from now on without having to look through the window.
Chandler: You know about that too? Is there anything you don't know. How about that I go over to Joeys to watch porn?
Monica: I did not know that!
Chandler: Oh.. well I don't really, we just . talk and read books.
Monica: Ha, yes I'm sure!
(They hug as Rachel enters)
Rachel: Have you guys seen Ross? I had some garbled message on my machine. It sounded like he was either asking me out or to come and live with him?
Monica: That may have something to do with Ben.
Rachel: Oh the whole, why has mummy got a wife thing?
Chandler: OK fill me in?
Rachel: Apparently Ben wanted to know why mummy has a wife and daddy doesn't. So Ross is trying to find a way to show him a 'normal' relationship.
Chandler: Of course his father is the perfect role model for that, Mr Three Divorces.
Monica: I asked Ross if he wanted Ben to stay here next weekend. That way he can see that men and women do living together is also normal.
Rachel: Are you sure you two are the ones to show him a 'normal relationship'?
Chandler/Monica: (together) Hey, what does that mean?
Rachel: Oh un, I just thought that Ross would prefer a strong male role model, not Chandler.
Chandler: OK thats it, I am not under the thumb. Monica get me a beer!
(Monica just stares at him) (Ross enters)
Ross: Hi guys.
Rachel: So you still looking for a date tonight?
Ross: No I talked to Carole and she doesn't think you and me on a date is going to help. Can't see why? Anyway thats why I'm here, Monica can Ben stay over next weekend?
Monica: Yes, sure he can, I'm sure we can show him something that resembles a so called normal relationship.
Rachel: (laughs then stops) Oh sorry you were serious.
Chandler: (to Monica) Hey, I thought we were going to make these decisions together?
Monica: OK, it is ok with you if Ben stays next weekend?
Chandler: Well let me think about it and I'll get back to you.
Chandler: OK, he can stay.
Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah, this going to work out just fine!
Ross: (to Rachel - hoping shes says no) So I guess the big date is off then?
Rachel: Looks that way. Oh well I'm going to get a coffee and watch Phoebe, anyone coming?
Monica: (Looks at Chandler) Ah no thanks we have some washing to do!
Ross: No, I have to go and tell Carole that Ben can stay here. Seeya.
[Scene Six: Central Perk, Joey's on the couch having a coffee and Phoebe is on stage finishing of a song, Rachel walks in]
(In the background) Phoebe: and thats why I like to swing in the trees, so I can see what a monkey sees.
Rachel: Hi Joey.
Joey: Hey Rach.
Rachel: What have you been doing?
Joey: Went to the Hockey and teased Chandler about being under the thumb!
Rachel: Huh me too, fun isn't it?
Joey: Yep, ssshh, Pheebs is on, I just requested Smelly Cat.
Phoebe: And now for my final number and one of my most requested (smiles at Joey) Smelly Cat.
(Phoebe starts to sing Smelly Cat Smelly Cat )
(Rachel starts to quietly sing along to the song - Phoebe notices this)
Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry everyone. Rachel Karen Green, did I see you lips moving along with my song?
Rachel: (embarrassed) Yeesss..I'm sorry its my favourite song.
Phoebe: Really?.. Well too bad, didn't I tell you that you can't sing with me?
Rachel: (meekly) Yes Pheebs.
Phoebe: OK now everyone except Rachel Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat what are they feeding you..
(Phoebe sees how sad Rachel is)
Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, and now just Rachel.
Rachel: (cheering up) Smelly Cat Smelly cat its not your fault.
Phoebe: Now everyone.
(Everyone sings along to the end of the song)