The One Where Everyone Thinks It's Over
Written by: Antonella
Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and
NBC and Warner
Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel have just finished cleaning their apartment.]
Rachel: Hey Monica, thanks for helping me out with this. There's no way I could have cleaned this place by myself.
Monica: Don't mention it. After all I live here too remember?
Rachel: Yeah...I know...but I'm the sloppy one. So partener ,will you help me out next time?
Monica: Well, I don't think that's possible.
Rachel: Oh...why-why not?
Monica: I'm moving out ten years from now.
(Rachel glares at Monica as Joey dashes in.)
Joey: Hi guys!
Both: Hey Joey!
Rachel: What's that thing you're carrying?
Joey: That's my bug jar.
Monica: Your what?
Joey: My bug jar...y'know...a jar full of bugs!
Rachel: And why on earth would you carry around a jar full of bugs?
Joey: It's my new hobby...I collect insects!
Monica: Well...that's interesting but couldn't you find something less appalling to collect?
Joey: Umm...well...I used to collect womens' underwear at first but...
Monica: Ok...forget I've asked!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Ross and Phoebe have just entered.]
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Ross is feeling miserable again.
Rachel: What's wrong Ross? Can we help?
Ross: No one can help me. I'm depressed
Monica: Why is that sweetheart?
Ross: (Agressively) I'll tell you why! Imagine this: It's Valentine's day and I'm all alone. What can be worse than that?
Joey: Hey don't look at me. I'm the stupid one!
Phoebe: Umm...I found something!
Phoebe: Imagine this: It's New Year's eve and you're a turkey!
Joey: Good point there Pheebs!
(Chandler enters, kisses Monica and sits on the couch with the others.)
Chandler: So, what's up you guys?
Rachel: Nothing much. Except Ross, he's depressed.
Chandler: Oh... casual then.
Ross: Thanks for your sympathy man.
Chandler: Come on...feeling miserable and worthless won't do you any good!
Ross: Who said I feel worthless? I'm not worthless!
Chandler: Yeah yeah...whatever. I remember an old friend of mine used to say that positive thinking is everything. Never give up...seize the day...
Ross: Wise man this friend of yours!
Chandler: Yeah...we never found out why he killed himself!
Ross: (confused) Anyone else who wants to share his happy thoughts with us?
Monica: So Chandler...have you got any plans for this weekend? Y'know it's Valentine's day!
(Hearing at this, Ross, storms out in tears and all the others have shocked looks on their faces.)
Chandler: Oh Mon, I totally forgot about it. I'd love to spend this weekend with you, but you see...Doug wants me to go to a convention with him.
Monica: (She looks disappointed) That's too bad!
Rachel: So...where's the convention being held?
Chandler: It's in Atlantic city...and I'd better go start packing!
Monica: I'll help you with that.(They both leave.)
Joey: And I have to go feed my new pals!(He also exits.)
Phoebe: Y'know Rach, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Rachel: Sure...go ahead!
Phoebe: Well...umm...I went to my eye specialist and he told me that I've got a major eyesight problem...so...umm...I kinda have to wear these. (She takes a pair of glasses out of her bag.)
Rachel: So...why all the conspiracy?
Phoebe: I was afraid that the others would make fun of me!
Rachel: Honey, don't be silly...no one's gonna make...(pauses)
(Phoebe puts on her glasses, I can't really describe those, and she looks really
Rachel: ...I mean...that's good...keeping this a secret I mean...great decision!
[Scene : Central Perk, later on the same day. Eveyone but Chandler is there.]
Rachel: So Mon, did Chandler call?
Monica: No...(she looks sad)
Phoebe: Well, I'm sorry you won't spend this weekend together Mon.
(The strange thing is that although Phoebe is talking to Monica, she's actually facing Joey, not her.)
Monica: Phoebe honey...I'm over here!
(Phoebe is obviously at a loss for words.. and she tries to cover the mess about.. y'know not seeing clearly.)
Phoebe: I-I knew that. It's-It's just that I...now realise I find Joey... very attractive!
Phoebe: Yeah...in a repulsive kind of way!
[Scene : Atlantic city, Chandler and Doug are having dinner.]
Doug: Ok, Bing...it's settled. I've got us dates for tonight!
(As he's drinking Chandler makes a shocked grimace and wine comes out of his nose.)
Chandler: Date? As in 4th of July date?
Doug: You're funny Bing, y'know that? Anyway, wait to see yours...she's really hot!
Chandler: Well, Doug-sir-I think I'll pass this one.
Doug: Come on Bing...it'll be fun.
Chandler: I can't do that...I've got a girlfriend y'know!
Doug: So? I've got a wife!
Chandler: Well...there you go...how do you think Kara will feel about that?
Doug: Don't know. Maybe you should ask her gym instructor.(he laughs)
Chandler: You mean Kara and her gym instructor are-are...intimate?
Chandler:...and you're ok with that?
Chandler: Well, I don't think that Monica will be as cool as you are!
Doug: Oh...Bing-Bing...she doesn't have to know...anyway.. I'm not going there by myself...and it's really not the time to make your boss unhappy!
Chandler: Ok, ok...I'll do it. We'll have a couple of drinks but that's it. That's the best I can do.
Doug: Good thinking Chandler! (He's satisfied)
Chandler: So...Kara and her gym instructor? (He's laughing)
Doug: (seriously) It's not funny...and it's Mrs Doug to you Bing!!!
[Scene : Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there with the exception of Chandler of course. They're watching the news as Joey is examining his bug jar.]
Ross: Oh man...I can't stand this anymore. Nothing good ever happens.
Phoebe: Well...did you hear about this terrible accident that happened two blocks away, last night?
Ross: Oh Pheebs...I don't want to hear about this. Why do we always have to talk about bad things?
Phoebe: That's easy...umm...well, it's cause bad things happen more often than good things.
Ross: Yeah...but it makes me sad.
Phoebe: ...but it's the truth..!!
Ross: In that case I prefer lying!
Phoebe: Oh...umm.. ok...ten people didn't die last night in a car crash that never happened two blocks away from here!
Rachel: That's better Pheebs!
Joey: Hey guys...did you know that Rachel and Ross were making out last night?
Rachel ,Ross: No we didn't!!
Joey: I wasn't talking about you guys! I was talking about Rachel and Ross, my two favorite worms!
Rachel: You named your worms after us?
Joey: Yeah...isn't that great or what?
Ross:...but look at them...they are disgusting!
Joey: Yeah...I knew you would find something in common!
Ross: I quit...this is the worst (pauses and thinks)...30 years of my life.
(He joins Monica who's sitting on the couch.)
Monica: Oh Ross, you've got to snap out of it!!
Ross: Do you think that's easy? Even Richard couldn't help me!
Monica: You went to see Richard?...but-but he's an eye specialist!
Ross: I know but it was a GP situation!
Monica: What's a GP anyway?
Ross: It was a Got Panicked situation!
Phoebe: So that's what GP stands for...duhh.. and I thought it was like a pathologist or something...
Monica: So...what did he tell you?(anxiously)
Ross: He said I need vacation.
Ross: He also told me that he's the one taking the vacation. He's going to London...Can you believe this?
Monica: (Really anxious) Did he say anything else?
Ross: Well, he told my breath smells which is kinda weird cause...
Monica: Ross-Ross, you're losing me...did he mention me?
Ross: Nope. Why do you ask anyway? You shouldn't care...you're with Chandler now!
Rachel: Oh Mon honey...don't tell me you're thinking about getting back with Richard again!
Monica: Of course not! It's just...I kinda hopped he didn't get over me!
Rachel: Give the guy a break...It's been three years since you guys broke up!!
Monica: I know it sounds crazy but y'know...Chandler hasn't called yet and I feel lonely and tomorrow it's Valentine's day...
(Hearing at this Ross storms out in tears again!)
Joey: Did you see that? Did you people see that? Wow, It's great ,I'm gonna try it out myself!!
(He rushes after Ross shouting Valentine's day, Valentine's day!!)
[Scene : Atlantic City, Chandler and Doug are sitting in a bar waiting impatiently for their dates to show up.]
Chandler: It's not like we're doing something dirty in here...we're just gonna be having some drinks with two ladies with whom we are eventually gonna end up friends and nothing more, right?
(Their dates finally decide to show up!!)
Doug: (He whispers to Chandler's ear) Stop being jumpy!
Chandler: I'm not jumpy...I'm alert...you never know who's coming in any minute now!
Doug: Relax...we're miles away from New York!(He turns over to the girls) Girls, Girls...glad to see you.(He kisses them on the cheek).Rachel, Monica meet Chandler!
(No, they're not the ones we know.)
Chandler: (looks up to the ceiling)Okay who ever it is up there...PLEASE stop messing with my mind!!!
[Scene : Monica and Rachel's, the gang's there..]
Phoebe: Hey Ross, I bought something for you...y'know since you've been feeling miserable and all!
Ross: Really? What did you get me?...let me see!!!
(He grabs Pheobe's present and opens it just to reveal that Phoebe got him....a Jack Daniel's miniature.)
Ross: (disappointed) Oh thanks Pheebs...great present...I think I'll go drink my ass off with that!!!
Phoebe: (bitterly) So...you didn't like my present!
Ross: No Pheebs, I think it's great...after all it's the thought that counts!!
(Joey stops him before he exits.)
Joey: I thought of buying you a porsche, does that count?
Ross: (calmly) Good, it's nice to know ... (agressively) you actually think every now and then!!
Joey: (Runs after Ross as he exits)Oh Really? So... Joey's thoughts count for nothing. Huhh?
[Scene : Atlantic City, Chandler is just finishing up his fifth drink! He's dancing in a silly way.]
*Monica: Chandler? Are you ok? I think you've had to many of these!
(She grabs his drink.)
Chandler: I'm fine...give that back to me!!
*Monica: No you're not. What's wrong with you?
Chandler: Nothing's wrong!..(she glares at him)...okay okay...god.. I can't even
lie to a Monica...well here goes nothing...I'm going out with this magnificent
person and I'm pretty much in love with her...so it really makes me feel very
uncomfortable when you have your hands all over me...which is great...I mean it would
have been great under other circumstances...(He drains his glass at once)
*Monica: So that's it?
(He nods his head in agreement)
*Monica:...and that's why you did that ridiculous dance?
Chandler: So you've noticed?
*Monica: Yeah... me and fifty other people in here!!!
Chandler: Oh god...I'm sorry!
*Monica: Don't be...look Chandler, you're honest and I respect that...in fact I can
reassure you that we won't sleep together tonight.
Chandler: (bitterly)Boy...that sure is comforting!
(It's playing a George Michael song!)
*Monica: I love this song!
Chandler: Really? I kinda hate it...you see George Michael slapped me once!
*Monica: (excited) You've been slapped by George Michael?
Chandler: Yep...right here on the cheek!
*Monica: You're gonna love this...I've been slapped once too...by Elton John!
Chandler: Get out of here!
*Monica: It's true. I've played the guitar in one of his concerts!
Chandler: That's cool...y'know I used to be in a band too. Well, that was ages ago...
We used to play Beatles's songs!
*Monica: I love Beatles. They're like the best band ever!! Y'know I've got a whole
Beatles's museum set up in my apartment...wanna check it out?
[Scene : Monica and Rachel's, next morning.]
Joey: Can you believe that? Monica ate Chandler's foot! How do you call that?
Monica: Prophetical maybe?
Rachel: Mon honey, what's up?
Monica: Chandler didn't call last night!
Ross: That's probably nothing. Obviously he was busy...that's why they call it
a business travel.
(The phone rings.)
Rachel: Pheww...saved by the bell!!
Monica: I'll get it...that oughta be Chandler! Hello?(pauses) Oh hi Richard.. I'm
doing fine...yeah Ross is here.. wait a sec...nice talking to you too.
(Ross goes to answer the call)
Joey: Oh my god...disaster...total disaster!!!
Rachel: Why? What happened?
Joey: Rachel and Ross are missing...and I can't seem to find Chandler...I think
Monica ate him!!
Monica: Don't tell me there are two bugs wondering around our apartment!
Joey: (painfully) Getta grip Monica...Rachel and Ross's lives are in danger!
Ross: Mon, can I have a word with you? (Joey walks their way) In private?
Monica: Boy, that sure sounded serious!(They both enter Monica's room)
Ross: You remember I told you I dropped by Richard's surgery yesterday?
Ross: Well...he has this friend who's a GP and he's gonna give me a note saying that
I need a couple of days off work.
Monica: That's great...so what does this has to do with me?
Ross: You see...Richard's leaving tonight for London...so I was wondering if you
could go and get that for me!
Monica: Why don't YOU go?
Ross: See? That's why I wanted to talk to you in private!
Ross: Promise me you won't freak out!
Monica: I promise!
Ross: Well, I'm going out with Rachel tonight!
Monica: YOU AND RACHEL? ON A DATE? AGAIN?
Ross: Shhhh! Keep it down....and it's not a date!
Monica: That's great! I mean...
Ross: Yeah...I know, but you have to keep this a secret, ok?
Monica: I'll take it to the grave....oh boy...I can't believe this...you and Rachel?
(Rachel overhears her name)
Rachel: So what did Rachel do this time?
Monica:(angrily) Damn Rachel you've missed a spot in here!(She is showing her a dusty spot.)
[Scene : Atlantic City, Chandler wakes up guess where!!]
Chandler: Geez, I have a terrible hangover! Wait a sec...(he realises where he spent the night.) That's not my apartment (looks at a picture in a dresser) That's not my Monica (looks under the sheets)...and sure that's not my underwear!!!
(He quickly gets up and starts to get dressed.)
[Scene : Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Phoebe: Come on everybody...Lunch's ready!
(They start to eat.)
Ross: Hey you guys... I think my food is moving!!
Rachel: Wait a minute...that's a bug! There's a bug in your soup!!!
Joey: Hey...that's Ross!
Ross: Sorry to hear this from me man but I think that Ross's drowned!!
Phoebe: Ok people...stand back...
(Phoebe sprays Ross's soup with insecticide spray.)
Rachel: What's that?
Phoebe: Done. Bug's dead. Case's closed! So go ahead...eat...eat...eat!!!
Ross: Are you nuts? You've sprayed it with a chemical substance and you expect me to eat this?
Phoebe: (Ironically)Please spare me the details about the hozone layer and the enviromental
[scene : Rachel and Monica's, Monica has just got back from Richard's surgery.]
Monica: Hi Phoebe!!
Monica: Where's everybody?
Phoebe: Well, Joey's next door grieving about his dead bugs and the others...well...umm.. I don't know. And may I ask where have you been young lady?
Monica: I went to Richard's surgery!
Phoebe: You went to see Richard? How come?
Monica: It's a big story!
Phoebe: So...how did it go?
Monica: (She's a little bit nervous.) It went fine!
Phoebe: Come on...it's Pheebs you're talking to...spit it out!
Monica: Oh Phoebe...I'm so confused!! I mean it's Valentine's day, Chandler hasn't called yet...and Richard just asked me to go on a trip to London with him!!
(Shows her the ticket.)
Phoebe: That stupid London again!(I'm not implying anything about London...I love London.).So what did you say?
Monica: Of course I refused! I told him I'm in love with Chandler!!
Phoebe: Well, what did he say?
Monica: You mean after he fainted?
Phoebe: OH god...You made the right decision though!!
Monica: Yeah...I know! Anyway did Chandler call?
Phoebe: Nope...sorry honey!
Monica: No, that's ok...I'll go and ask Joey...Maybe he's heard from him.
(Monica exits and Phoebe is about to turn on the T.V....except she's not facing
the T.V. set; she's facing the wall.)
Phoebe: ...that channel sure is boring!!!
[Scene : Monica is standing outside Chandler and Joey's apartment but before she enters, she overhears Joey talking on the phone with Chandler and she pulls back!]
Joey: So...you'll be back this evening...what? Oh man...how could you do that
to Mon...of course I won't tell her you slept with another woman...although it
does not count cause...y'know...they're both Monicas...
(Hearing at this Monica, rushes into her apartment in tears.)
Phoebe: Oh Mon, I'm sorry too...I know Ross's dead (she's talking about the bugs)
.. but don't cry. Hey, Rachel is still alive...somewhere!!!
Monica: Phoebe...I'm not crying about the stupid bugs...I've just found out that
Chandler cheated on me!!!
Phoebe: Oh my god...that's terrible! I can't believe that weasel did this to you!
I'm gonna kill him!!
Monica: What am I going to do?
Phoebe: You've got to talk to Chandler about it!!
Monica: I'm not sure if I can look at him anymore. Besides...(pauses)...I've got
a better idea....(sadly) I'm going to London.
Phoebe: Forget it...London is not an option...London is bad!
Monica: I'll go pack!
(Phoebe runs after her.)
Phoebe: Mon honey, wait a sec...You're not thinking clearly right now!...you should
stay here and smash Chandler's face...anyway...it's too late...you've missed the flight
...I'm sorry...maybe next time!!
Monica: Phoebe, I didn't lose the flight...and if I do I'll catch the next one!!
Phoebe: Please Mon, don't go to the place where people regret doing things!!!
Monica: I've made up my mind...(She goes straight to her room and starts packing!!)
[Scene : Airport, Monica enters in a hurry just to find out that she has lost the flight
and Richard's gone! She looks despaired. She sits on her luggage and bursts into