(Another Season 5 Episode)
(SCENE 1: CHANDLER & JOEYS APARTMENT Chandler is dressed for work, Joey is still wearing his robe, looking very depressed.)
CHAN: (looks at Joey amusingly) Whats the matter, Joe? Too much sex lately? (thinks it over) Wait, I take it back
JOEY: No, my sex life is real good. Didnt you hear me and Cindy last night?
CHAN: (sarcastic) Of course I did. I was up all night waiting to hear the familiar moaning and groaning. (pauses) However, I DO remember you calling her Mary last night.
JOEY: (beat) See how good it is? I get to forget all sorts of things
CHAN: Yeah, yeah. Dont rub it in. (sits on the other recliner) So what IS wrong?
JOEY: I dunno. (whiny) I cant seem to find fulfillment as an actor. Now I may not know a lot of things, but I DO know that there should be some kind of meaning in my job. (looks at Chandler) Youre sooo lucky yours never had one.
CHAN: Yes, I thank my lucky stars every single day.
MON: Hey guys. Breakfast is ready.
JOEY: Great! My stomachs been growling for the past two minutes. (pats Chandler on the shoulder before going out) Thanks for trying man. Im going to have to handle things on my own now.
MON: (looks at Joey as he runs out) What was THAT all about?
CHAN: Oh, Joeys just going an identity crisis.
MON: Which one is it this time?
CHAN: He thinks his profession as an actor isnt fulfilling enough.
MON: (grinning mischievously) Well, at least hes great in other departments
CHAN: Hey! Im gonna get really jealous now (takes her in his arms and bends over to kiss her)
MON: Oooh, I love it when you get all red
(Just as they were about to kiss, Joey barges in)
JOEY: (sheepish look) I forgot to change (gestures over his half open robe)
(SCENE 2: SAME PLACE. Chandler and Monica quickly release each other and try not to look too guilty. Joey doesnt seem to notice this as he was more preoccupied in changing his robe.)
JOEY: (wags his finger at both of them) Now dont start without me! (runs to his bedroom)
CHAN: (sour look) Well I wasnt planning on having a three-party make-out session!
MON: (squeezes Chandlers arm affectionately) Oh, honey. At least he didnt notice that we were about to be heading for some major liplocking!
CHAN: (takes Monica in his arms again) Well, do you know that it takes Joey fifteen minutes to get into a decent pair of pants? Lets say we (Monica pulls back) w.w.w.what?
MON: Nothing. (sighs loudly to say just the opposite)
CHAN: Come on, Mon. You know you can tell me anything. (rubs her shoulders lovingly)
MON: Its just that when are we going to stop hiding, Chandler? I dont think I can say I help you with your laundry every time we want to do stuff. (beat) Phoebes already asking me how many different kinds of underpants you have.
CHAN: (uneasy) Well, you know how it is I want to be able to live longer.
MON: (sighs again) I know. Big Brother Ross.
CHAN: Yes! My best friend and your moldy-oldy brother. I do realize that he has to know about this sometime .Im just not really sure when
MON: Ill find the perfect opportunity, ok?
CHAN: Hey, fine by me! Just say when, and Ill be there. (pauses) With a bullet proof cushion on my butt.
MNCA: (giggles) Just shut up and kiss me, Bing.
(They lean over to kiss again but Joey reenters in jeans and a sports jersey.)
CHAN: (babbling) Oh! OH! Oh, THEREs the big red pimple, Mon! (Monicas eyes widen in surprise and then she shoots dagger looks at him)
JOEY: (wags his fingers at Monica) Eww! Eww! Eww! I thought you looked pretty red. (turns to both of them to display his outfit) Cool, huh? Knicks rule! Yea, baby!
MON: Oh yeah, totally. (points at Joeys pants) Totally open!
(Joey looks shocked as he looks at his zipper. As he quickly turned his back on them to close it, Chandler and Monica steal a quick kiss before he could turn around again.)
CHAN: (in a goofy "Chandler" way) Yeah, ba-a-bee!
(Joey looks at him, disgusted. Monica just smiles proudly.)
(SCENE 3: MONICA & RACHELS APARTMENT Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there, waiting for the others impatiently.)
ROSS: God! How long does it take for Joey to get some decent clothes on?
RACH: Well. How long did it take for you to realize that Carol was a lesbian? PRETTY long! (smiles smugly)
(Ross looks ready to give Rachel his infamous "finger" but Phoebe stops him.)
PHOE: Oh, no no! (gestures to the table) Not in front of the food!
(Chandler, Monica, and Joey enter.)
ROSS: (practically shouting) What the hell took you so long? (in a softer tone) I was worried sick!
MON: We, uh, waited for Joey to get FULLY dressed.
CHAN: Yeah, fully.
JOEY: (whispers to Ross) I forgot to zip my fly.
ROSS: (feigning surprise) Really? I didnt quite get that at first
RACH: Come on guys. Im starving. Lets eat.
(They all start to sit down. Chandler pulls out Monicas chair for her. The gang looks at him in surprise. He murmurs "stupid" under his breath and hurriedly pulls out Rachels and Phoebes chairs.)
PHOE: Oh no. Are you going to start with a new European thing like you did the last time? (Chandler doesnt know what to say.) Well, this is nicer. Get me a glass of water, slave boy.
(Chandlers mouth opens in shock.)
RACH: A man slave? Ive always wanted one for Christmas. Can you sew, Chandler? Ive got this old shirt .
CHAN: (through gritted teeth) I AM NOT A MAN SLAVE!
PHOE: (surprised) No? Then why did you pull our chairs for us slave boy? Huh? ANSWER ME!
CHAN: (trapped) I I (turns to Monica for help)
MON: I won a bet and Chandler has to be my slave for six months. (Chandler gives her a "WHAT??!!" look)
JOEY: (interested) Cool! What kind of a bet?
MON: A REALLY good one.
ROSS: Come on, Mon. What did you bet on?
MON: Well .(turns to Chandler) Chandler, you tell them.
CHAN: (sweating) Uh well I, uh BET that Monica can tell you. (covers his face) Im too ashamed.
(Monicas mouth opened. She kicks Chandler under the table)
CHAN: YAAAGH!!!! (quickly turns the scream to a wail like in TOW the Jellyfish)
RACH: Mon? Tell us! We wanna know right now!
MON: (looks down at her plate of food) We BET that Chandler has Scooby-Doo bed sheets.
( The table is silent for a moment. Then all of them laugh except Chandler and Monica. Chandler does not move from his position. His face is still covered with his hands.)
ROSS: Well, that IS a good bet! (crying from laughing too hard)
RACH: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! (still laughing)
JOEY: Dude, can you BE anymore geeky?
CHAN: (muffled voice) Okay Im going to wait until you guys find the time to BREATHE.
PHOE: Hey, can I give it to the triplets?
MON: No, Phoeebs. Ahhh we bet that he USED to have them when he was twelve.
(Everyone is silent.)
RACH: What a stupid bet.
MON: (trying to be defensive) It was a special kind of bed sheet, ok?
JOEY: God! Everyone has Scooby-Doo bed sheets (silently trying to calculate) .some years ago.
JOEY: Thank you! (turns to Ross) You sure? (Ross nods "yes" then rolls his eyes)
CHAN: Now that thats settled, I have to get to work.
MON: No you dont. You still have to do the dishes, remember? (Chandler gawks at her in shock, but Monica gives him a look that she wanted them to be alone)
CHAN: Ohhh k.."master".
(The gang leaves Chandler and Monica alone. Monica puts on her gloves and gets ready to clean the dishes.)
MON: Chandler, Im sorry. It was the first thing that came in my mind.
CHAN: Its ok. They always laugh at me. (beat) I DO hope they laugh off this thing about us rather than strangling us to death.
MON: Well, thats why Im telling you that we have to let them know soon. And I mean SOON.
(Chandler is silent.)
MON: (takes a deep breath) And, as you know, every Christmas me and Ross go to our parents house for dinner. So I was hoping youd come with us.
CHAN: YOUR PARENTS? Oh no no no!
MON: (getting angry) Why? Whats wrong? Are you afraid of my mother?
CHAN: NO! Well, yes, but thats not the point. They think Im gay and (Monica looks at him in shock) No??!!! Well, in that case, Ill go. (hugs her, and out of Chandlers line of sight, she has the "Oh-no-I-cant-tell-him-the-truth" look)
(SCENE 4: SAME PLACE, LATE AFTERNOON. Chandler and Monica are dusting now, and Chandler has one of Monicas frilly aprons.)
CHAN: (groaning) I cant believe Im skipping work to do THIS.
MON: (gives him a quick peck in the cheek) Oh, come on sweetie. Its not that bad. Theres no one to see us, and Ive always loved a manly man in an apron. (grins mischievously)
CHAN: (eyes light up) Manly man, huh? Well, what if a manly man does this? (does a little girlie dance)
MON: (laughing) All right, this is too much now. Im going to have to pee!
CHAN: Come on, Mon. Dip me. (grabs hold of Monica)
MON: Ok, ok. (tries to dip Chandler)
(Rachel enters. Chandler and Monica are in a silly, compromising position.)
RACH: What is going on?
MON: OH! (Monica lets go of Chandler and he falls to the floor) Uh Chandler has something in his eye.
RACH: Im sure its not a sense for fashion. Have you seen a mirror lately?
(Chandler lets out a yelp as he realized he is still in Monicas apron. Before he could remove it, Ross, Phoebe, and Joey enter.)
ROSS: Uhhh .(stares at Chandler)
MON: Uhm, since Chandlers my slave, I had to get him into some decent work attire for cleaning.
JOEY: Thats decent? From what man-haters planet did you come from?
PHOE: Ooh that is sooo my color! Can I have it?
CHAN: (gives the apron to Phoebe quickly) Here! Take it! Take it!
ROSS: (shaking his head) Now I know what to give both of you on your birthdays. (beat) Psychiatrists.
MON: (quickly tries to change the subject) Hey Phoeebs. Are you going to sing to us a new song today?
PHOE: Oh! Yeah. I mean (puts an arm around Joey) WERE going to perform for you guys.
RACH: WHAT??!! Joey, youre not a singer!
JOEY: (defiant) I am too. I just had a one-hour voice lesson with Phoeebs here.
ROSS: Oh, of course. Youre totally a professional by now.
CHAN: (annoyed) Im supposed to say a wisecrack.
ROSS: Then say it.
CHAN: (looks at the ceiling, thinking) Well, I dont want to anymore. (pause) Its stale.
PHOE: Okay, back to us. Anyway, I taught Joey this new really cool and meaningful song I wrote about lipsticks and hes gonna sing while I play.
MON: (trying not to laugh) L l lipstick?
JOEY: Yeah. Its a very serious song. Get your hankies ready.
CHAN: Joe, why did you suddenly develop this really weird desire to sing?
JOEY: Well, remember when I said I needed a certain sense of fulfillment? Ive been doing a LOT of thinking and I realized that all I ever really wanted to be was this total performer, you know? I know I can already dance (does his wacky dance like in TOW the Jealousy) and so all I need to learn now is to sing. What if Days of Our Lives suddenly had this one special musical episode? Id feel so left out if Dr. Drake Ramoray couldnt even sing one chorus of "Heal the World".
RACH: oh no. We wouldnt want THAT to happen.
CHAN: I know Im going to regret this but lets hear it.
(Joey and Phoebe excitedly sit in front of the t.v., facing the gang who were sitting on the couch. Phoebe strums a few strings of her guitar, and Joey suddenly makes this kind of gargling sounds.)
MON: What was that?
PHOEBE: Sssh! Joeys VOCALIZING. I taught him that. (Joey does a thumbs-up sign, and Phoebe looks very pleased with herself.)
(Phoebe starts playing. Joey stands up with a serious look on his face and starts to sing.)
JOEY: (in a very low voice)
.what shade of lipstick to wear?
Pretty Plum, Racing Red, or Dark Black if I dare?
I must look my best, to stand to the test
To not spend too much buying a dress!
PHOEBE: (ends her playing) Isnt it great? Its really about economizing, but Im sure you guys got that. Want to hear the next seven verses?
ALL: (except, of course, Joey and Phoebe) NO!!!!
MON: Uhm, actually Phoebe. Weve heard just about enough.
RACH: Yeah, Phoeebs. Ive learned that Im gonna be REALLY choosy in buying the right shade of lipstick.
PHOE: (giddy) Oh! Im so glad you understand my music so well.
JOEY: Hey! What did you guys think of my singing? Pretty good, huh?
ROSS: Pretty BITCHIN.
CHAN: Your voice is still ringing in my ears.
(Monica holds up a hanky and covers her face.)
RACH: (abruptly stands up) Im going to have to go to the bathroom now.
JOEY: (smiles proudly) I KNEW IT! Im going to be the next Fred Rogers!
JOEY: You know, the "Singing-in-the-Rain" guy.
PHOE: (thinks hard) Oh, him.
(SCENE 5: IN A CAB Chandler and Monica are inside, looking VERY nervous. They are heading to Mr. & Mrs. Gellers house. )
MON: Well, here we are.
CHAN: (forces a laugh) Yeah. Dont be so nervous, love muffin.
MON: ME??!! Youre the one making a huge hole in the upholstery! (Taxi Driver turns around. They try not to look too obvious.)
CHAN: Well, I guess Im just a teensy weensy, minutely a little bit TERRIFIED.
MON: (looking sad) We can back out if youd like.
CHAN: (hugs Monica tightly) No were not. We can do this. WE .CAN.
MON: (kisses Chandler) Thank you for having so much faith, honey. Of course we can. (turns to look out the window and has on an expression that says otherwise)
CHAN: So uh how do you want to do this?
MON: I dont know. I was hoping youd have something in mind.
CHAN: ME? Hmmmm .no.
MON: (throws up her hands) Great. Thats just great. We cant just go out there without some kind of defense strategy! Theyll eat us alive!
CHAN: (in panic) Oh my God! Oh my God! YOU were always the one with the ideas!
MON: (trying to calm herself) Okay, okay. I got it. We tell them during dessert
CHAN: Shouldnt we tell them before we even START dinner? Thats so we can run out faster when Volcano Ross blows up.
MON: (beat) Oh, thats good.
(SCENE 6: THE GELLERS HOUSE Ross is already there in the den with Mr. Geller. Mrs. Geller is setting out the food on the table.)
MR. GELLER: Whats taking our little Harmonica so long?
ROSS: (clearing her throat) Its uh, MONICA, Dad.
MR. GELLER: (beat) Thats what I said, Ross.
MRS. GELLER: Well, she said she was taking some friend with her. Who is it, Ross? Not another loser, I hope.
ROSS: (surprised) She is? She didnt tell me anything.
MRS. GELLER: Well, she must have wanted it to be some sort of surprise. You know how she always wants to give me and your dad frequent heart attacks.
ROSS: Im sure she doesnt mean to mom.
MRS. GELLER: (doesnt seem to hear him) I bet its another dingaling. Shell never get married if she keeps picking guys who cant even recite the alphabet backwards.
ROSS: (tries not to be too sarcastic) You have such high standards, mom.
ROSS: (looking relieved) Ill get it. (goes to open the door; Monica is standing in the doorway.)
MON: Hi Ross. (hugs him) Hi Mom, hi Dad.
MRS. GELLER: What took you so long, dear? You should have called to tell us you were going to be late.
MON: (trying to cover her irritation) Sorry, mom. I got caught in traffic. Uhm, could you guys just sit on the couch for awhile? Theres someone Id like all of you to meet. Hes a special friend.
MRS. GELLER: (trying to hide her disgust) Sure, dear. For YOU.
MON: (exasperated) Yes. Hes MY special friend, ok?
ROSS: Well, let him in, Mon. I cant wait to meet him.
MON: (under her breath) Im not sure about THAT. (to Chandler, whos still standing outside) Hey special friend. Come on down!
(Chandler enters and nearly trips over the potted plant standing in the doorway. He tries to regain his composure, but well fails.)
ROSS: (completely oblivious) Hey man. You didnt tell me you were coming.
MR. GELLER: (whispers to Monica) Isnt that the gay guy? (Monica puts a finger on his mouth quickly.)
(SCENE 7: AT THE DINNER TABLE Everyone is already sitting down except Chandler and Monica. Monica takes Chandlers hand in hers.)
MNCA: (clearing her throat) Uhm, I have something to announce to everybody.
MRS. GELLER: Monica dear. Cant it wait after dinner?
MNCA: No, Mom. I have to tell you now. You see, Chandler and I share a special kind of relationship.
ROSS: Why do you keep saying special? Its only Chandler.
CHAN: (sarcastic) Thanks, man.
ROSS: You know what I mean, buddy.
MR. GELLER: Judy, youve really outdone yourself with the roast beef.
MON: Uhm, Dad I was just saying something
MRS. GELLER: Ross, eat up. Youre getting so thin. (pinches Ross cheeks and then places heaps of potatoes on his plate.)
(Monica folds her arms in disgust. Chandler, after a moment of silence, abruptly puts both his hands on the table.)
CHAN: WERE SLEEPING TOGETHER! EVERYONE HEAR THAT? (After realizing what he just said, he bangs his head on the dinner table)
MR./MRS. GELLER/ROSS: WHAT???!!!
CHAN: (groaning) Uhhhh .
MON: (grips Chandlers hand tighter) Its true. Isnt it great? (forces a smile)
ROSS: (stands up and grips Chandlers arm a little too tightly) Huh, well, when what uh how did this happen?
CHAN: Well, uh, um uhhhh owww..(squirms as Ross grip tightens)
MON: (slaps Ross hand) Stop that! We did it in London, ok? When you barged in Chandlers room that morning you were supposed to get married, I was in there, hiding under the sheets.
(Ross mouth drops open in shock)
MRS. GELLER: Well, DEAR Were absolutely speechless. Right, Jack?
MR. GELLER: Yes, dear. (continues eating)
MON: Well, Mom, Dad. I just wanted to tell you that I DO have a boyfriend right now and you can stop sending me the find-a-date ads through the mail every other week.
MRS. GELLER: Hmmm at least he looks your age dear. Im happy for you.
MON: (through gritted teeth) Thanks Mom. (looks at Ross) Well, Big Brother? We could leave if you want.
ROSS: Of course not. This is your home too. Whoever you want to invite is none of my business. Lets eat.
(Chandler and Monica look at each other. After a moments hesitation, they sit down reluctantly. As they start eating, Ross remains quiet and distant, looking only at his plate.)
(SCENE 8: THE GELLERS FRONT PORCH Chandler is sitting alone on the doorstep, holding a beer bottle. Ross enters. Seeing how depressed Chandler is, he sighs and sits down beside him.)
CHAN: (sees Ross, and offers his left arm) Here, squeeze the blood out of it too. I deserve it.
ROSS: (holds the arm) You do. (releases the arm and pats Chandler on the shoulder) But I wont.
CHAN: (holds up his half-empty beer bottle) Beer?
ROSS: (shakes his head) Nothing you offer me will ever make me forgive you for what you did to my sister.
(Chandler bows his head)
ROSS: (looks at him, then sighs loudly again) Not unless, you promise to make her VERY happy.
(Chandler looks up at Ross, surprised.)
ROSS: Well? Will you promise me that?
CHAN: (confused) Sure of course! I DO love her, Ross. Heck, Ive never felt like this even with Kathy!
ROSS: (forces a smile) Thats good to know. (starts to stand up) Now Im not saying I like this, but what can I do? Im at least going to try, and thats MY promise to you, ok?
CHAN: (nods) Thanks, Ross. That will really mean a lot to me.
ROSS: Just dont hurt her, man.
(Chandler looks as Ross reenters the house. He breathes a long sigh of relief, and runs a hand through his hair. Monica enters this time. She sits down beside him, and loops her arm through his.)
MON: What did he say?
CHAN: We just had a you know, man-to-man talk. Its going to be ok. Not that great, but ok. (kisses Monicas forehead)
MON: My brothers pretty stubborn, huh?
CHAN: Not at all. (beat) He just loves you a lot.
MON: I know. (smiles up at him)
(They cuddle more closely. Monica puts her head on Chandlers shoulder, and Chandler rests his head atop hers. They silently stare up at the sky with contentment.)
(SCENE 9: CENTRAL PERK The whole gang is there to see Joey and Phoebes first public performance. Everyone already knows about Chandler and Monica, and they are all happy for them. Well, except for Ross )
PHOE: (taps on the microphone) Uh, hi everyone! Im Phoebe Buffay. You probably know me by now coz I sing here every single day. So, anyway, youre in for a treat today because I have a special guest wholl sing a duet with me. Please welcome, Mr. Joey Tribbianni! (Everyone claps politely. Joey enters in a suit and tie, waving wildly to the audience and blowing kisses at them.)
CHAN: Do we really want to hear this?
RACH: Yes we do. (doesnt really mean it)
MON: Oh, come on guys. It cant be that bad. Phoebe said theyre not singing the lipstick song today.
CHAN: That is a very good idea.
(Joey and Phoebe clear their throats loudly, then they start singing.)
PHOE: Smelly Cat,
JOEY: (echoing in a terrible high-pitched voice) Sme-e-llee Ca-a-at,
TOGETHER: (voices are not blending AT ALL) What are they feeding you-oooo?
PHOEBE: Smelly Cat,
JOEY: (practically shouting now) SMEHELLEEEE CAAAAAT ..
TOGETHER: (both shouting) ITS NOT YOUR FAULTTTTTT .YEAHHHH.
(The gang tries not to cover their ears. A plate crashes from the kitchen.)
(SCENE 10: MONICA & RACHELS APARTMENT. Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen, fooling around a bit. Joey and Phoebe are in the couch with ice packs on both their heads. Ross and Rachel are on the chairs.)
PHOE: I thought we were pretty good. They didnt have to hit us with bagels.
JOEY: Owwww .I knew I hit a wrong note SOMEWHERE.
RACH: Poor baby. Now does this mean youre gonna stop singing? (hopeful look on her face)
JOEY: Hey, I gotta keep practicing, right? (Rachel gives him a stern look. He smiles sheepishly) Kidding. Id better leave that to Phoebe. Who ever heard of a musical soap opera anyway?
PHOE: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Joey. You were my best student.
JOEY: Awww thanks Phoeebs. (they hug)
ROSS: (squeezes beside Joey) Hey man. Tell me what THEYRE (gestures to Chandler and Monica) doing.
RACH: (warningly) Ross .(Ross makes a quick "SHUSH" motion and sinks even deeper in the couch)
JOEY: (turns around for a minute) Theyre hugging and kissing and kissing some more
(Ross starts to turn red. He clenches his fists tightly.)
JOEY: Oh, wait. They stopped kissing. (Ross starts to calm down.) Theyre running to the BEDROOM now. Guess what theyre about to do? (winks at Ross)
ROSS: (tries to really control himself) THAT IS IT! (walks over to the bedroom and bangs the door angrily)
(Monicas head pops out.)
MON: Were taking a BREAK. Do you mind? (slams the door in Ross face.)