Written by: Toni Adams
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
*** Intro: Hi, okay this is my first fanfic, So it may be good, or complete crap, am I allowed to say that? Anyway, this is how I reckon the season opener should have gone, but several warnings first 1: like I said, first fanfic 2: I'm a Chandler and Monica fan, so I may tend to favour them, almost all of the time, I'll try not to 3: I am NOT a Ross and Rachel fan, so if you think I'm gonna try and get them back together, forget it. Oh, and the story lines might seem a bit similar to the real episode, but the way I see it, the episode could have only gone in the way of those story lines. Now I've finished with boring you to pieces, on with the show.
Scene: End of the one in Vegas. Ross and Rachel burst through the chapel doors, Monica and Chandler look on
Ross: Hello Mrs Ross (throws rice in the air) Rach: Well hello Mr Rachel! (throws rice and bouquet in the air) (they go outside and catch their bearings and go in opposite directions) Rach: OK (shot back to Monica and Chandler) Chan: (puts his hands to his head) No no no no no no no! Mon: Oh my God! What the Hell just happened? Chan: I think, I think, they got married? (Monica glares at him, then in a state of panic) What-do-we-do-what-do-we-do?!!! Mon: Go get them, Come on! (they run out of the chapel, then Chandler comes back in) Chan: (looking up) Thank you! (double takes then runs back out, when he's gone, Phoebe and Joey run in) Phoe: They're not here, they're not here!! (looks around) Joey: Are you sure? Phoe: Do you see them?! It's not too late is it? Joey: Maybe they're not here yet, oh, maybe they're in there already Phoe: We gotta stop them! (they run into the chapel as Chandler and Monica run back in) Mon: Why are we back here? Chan: I told you to go left! (Joey and Phoebe burst through the chapel doors) Oh My God!!!!! Joey: What, what are you doing here? Mon: Well, we... (looks at Chandler for an answer, he shrugs) Phoe: Never mind that (Monica and Chandler breathe a sigh of relief) Where are Ross and Rachel? Mon: Wait, why did you come through those doors? Joey: (looks at them as if to say we already told you) We need to find Ross and Rachel! We have to stop them! Mon: You're too late! Jo/Ph: What? Chan: (resignedly) they got married Jo/Ph: (both shocked, and then they sit down very slowly, Joey puts his head in his hands) Oh my God (they all look at each other, then Phoebe and Joey get up) Joey: It's their life. Ad-lib agreement
Scene: A bar, all the gang are sitting there
Joey: You guys, we should pack, we have to leave in a couple of hours.
Phoe: We've still got time Mon: A couple of hours? Oh my God! (jumps up and runs off) Chan: Women huh? Always have to get ready early Rach: No that's just Monica. (there's an uncomfortable silence, Phoebe takes the hint) Phoe: Come on Rach, lets go get drunk Rach: We're at a bar Phoe: Then lets go to another one. (Drags her away) Ross: What was that? Joey: (suddenly) You got married! Chan: Again! Joey: Which means you have to get divorced! Chan: Again! Ross: What? I didn't get married Chan: Yes you did Ross: No I didn't Chan: Oh so we just dreamed that we saw you coming out of those chapel doors? Ross: Probably, what were you doing in the chapel? Chan: (After a pause) You got married!
Cut to Phoebe and Rachel at another bar
Phoe: We have to come back to Vegas next year. So much happened. Joey and me get kicked out, Chandler and Monica made up, You and Ross- Rach: Me and Ross? What about me and Ross? Phoe: Oh no (that Oh no that only Lisa can do) Rach: Phoebe, what about me and Ross? (tugs on her shirt) Come on... Phoe: Okay, um, you (off the top of her head) won one (triumphantly) hundred dollars! Rach: (Happily) really?! Phoe: (laughing) No but you should've seen your face
Cut back to Ross, Joey and Chandler
Ross: Look, if I got married, I would remember Chan: You were wasted! You wouldn't be able to remember anything Joey: Speaking of which, Do you remember anything? Ross: (sarcastically) Yes! (dejectedly) No, no I don't. Joey: So how would you know if you didn't get married? Ross: (thinks it over) Oh my God! I got married! (Stops panicking) wait, to who? Chan: (resignedly) Well... Ross: (choking) Rachel? Joey: Eh, third time lucky though right?
Cut to Rachel and Phoebe
Phoe: all right, I guess I should tell you, (thinks) Mrs Geller (smiles) Rach: (gives her a questioning look) Mrs Geller..? (realises) ohhhh... (shocked) Oh! ME? and Ross? Me and Ross?! Me and Ross?! (calms down) wait, there's two Gellers, are you sure it wasn't Monica? (thinks about it) Me and Ross?! Phoe: No wait, maybe it was Monica, Maybe you married Monica Rach: It was Ross... Phoebe why didn't you tell me! Phoe: Well, you did it, it was your wedding, I thought you would've known, how could you forget your own wedding? Rach: I was totally past it! How could I remember anything? (holds her head in her hands) Oh man. (Monica runs up to them) Mon: Guys! there's only one and a half hours before we have to leave, lets go already! (drags them away with her)
Scene: The hotel room, Monica and Chandlers actually. They're packing
Chan: Okay, um, now we've got Ross and Rachel talking about last night, don't you think we should talk about what we did last night? Mon: (turns to look at him, and stops packing) I, I guess so. Chan: (sits on the bed and sighs) were we just totally stupid last night? Mon: What do you mean? (joins him on the bed) Chan: Well we've only been going out for a year, we're not even living together, and yet there we were at a chapel waiting to get married Mon: Yeah, I guess I was feeling the same. I don't know (throws her hands up, turns to face him) But, you know I love you don't you? Chan: Yeah, I love you too, but I don't see how that's gonna help us in this talk. Mon: Fair enough Chan: (flops back on the bed) So, what do you wanna do about it? Mon: I guess we could forget about it. (Chandler smiles) I mean, it was a spur of the moment thing. Decisions like that shouldn't be rushed into, like that. (she looks at him and he quickly stops smiling) Chan: (pretending to be upset) okay, that's fair enough Mon: Oh God I've upset you! Chan: No, it's okay (sighs) I can live with it. Mon: Okay, are you sure? Chan: (feigning disappointment) yeah, just fine (Monica kisses him, gets up and resumes packing. Chandler sits up, looks up, and mouths, 'thank you thank you thank you! But then looks at Monica thoughtfully, realises what he is doing, and slaps himself on the face, he recoils and nurses his cheek)
Scene: The airport. Everyone is there with their bags. They're waiting for their flight. Phoebe is talking to Joey, Rachel is watching them, and Chandler and Monica are talking to Ross.
Phoe: Joey, why are you here? Joey: I wanna go home..? Phoe: ugh... (goes to Rachel)
Cut to Rachel, as Phoebe walks up to her
Phoe:It didn't work. He still doesn't realise that he's gotta take my cab back home for me. and it doesn't go on a plane! Rach: Do you want me to talk to him? (she nods) okay (she starts to walk away, but then Phoebe pulls her back) what? I thought you wanted your cab back? Phoe: I've got a better idea!
Cut to: Ross, Chandler and Monica. Ross is looking at Rachel and Phoebe.
Mon: Have you spoken properly? Ross: No (turns to face Monica) but she's more or less said the same thing. (mocks her) I don't wanna be married, marriage is a bad idea, lets get divorced Chan: (claps his hands together) problem solved! Ross: No! Look guys, this is gonna be divorce number three, I can't do this again. Chan: Sure you can, isn't it three for the price of two? Ross: Chandler! (Chandler backs away and hides behind Monica)
Cut to Joey and Phoebe
Phoe: So New York huh? Joey: yup Phoe: Big city, lots of cars Joey: yeah loads Phoe: Loads of cabs Joey: yeah, loads of cabs, Phoebe what are- PA sys: Can all passengers for the B45 flight to New York please board the plane. Phoe: Oh well, no time, lets go! (drags him onto the plane with the others, he's still looking confused)
Scene: M&R's. Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey and Monica are there. Ross and Rachel are on the sofa, Monica is cleaning the oven, and Phoebe is talking to Joey at the kitchen table.
Phoe: So, cabs in New York Joey: Yes, cabs, taxi's, cars, Phoebe, what are you getting at? Phoe: You left my cabin Vegas Joey: No I didn't, your cabs right here in New York. Phoe: Joseph Tribianni, you borrowed my cab to go to Vegas and you never brought it back! Joey: (thinks about it then realises) oh... Well why didn't you tell me before we left, we've been here for three days and now you tell me? Phoe: (successfully) It's punishment for forgetting it in the first place!
Cut over to Ross and Rachel
Rach: have you made the appointment yet? Ross: Um, well... no. Rach: (agitated) Ross! Ross: (defensively) We've only been back three days, would I really have time? With work and all? Rach: (plainly) Ross, you haven't worked in that museum for nearly a year. Ross: okay, I'll give you that, but, oh come on Rach, this is gonna be divorce number three, I can't do that! Rach: Can't we just get it annulled? Ross: (beat) no, something about being together before we married complicating things and stuff. Rach: (stands up) okay Ross, either you get this divorce, or (puts her foot down) I'm gonna tell Carol and Susan about all this Ross: (bolts up) what? Rach: I'm gonna tell Carol and Susan all about this, yeah, give Susan more ammo to bring you down! Ross: (tries to think of something) yeah, well (can't think of anything) okay, I'll make an appointment. Rach: Oh, thank you. (she goes to her room, when the door closes, he makes a face at her)
(Chandler walks in and sees Monicas head in the oven) Chan: Ah! (runs over) Monica! (she bangs her head in the oven) Mon: (getting her head out) What's the matter with you? Chan: (panicking) Your head was in the oven! Mon: (holds up her gloves) I was cleaning it!
Scene: M&R's a little later. Chandler and Ross are there watching TV. Ross is on the sofa, and Chandler is on the couch.
Ross: So where's the people that live here? Chan: Your sister and wife? (catches Ross glare) um, well Monica's asleep, and Rachel's working. Joey's gone back to Vegas to get the cab back. Ross: But Joey doesn't live here Chan: You wouldn't know it would you? So how's the Rachel thing going? Ross: I made an appointment with my lawyer Chan: Don't try to get out of it Ross: What? Chan: You know, don't back out Ross: How do I back out? Chan: Cancel, pretend you already did it. (Ross looks like he has a good idea, Chandler sees he's face) okay, forget I said anything! Ross: You, my friend, might just save this marriage. Chan: What?! Ross: (goes for the phone) One quick call- Chan: (jumps out of his seat and on top of Ross, which makes him sprawl out all over the sofa) No! no no no no you can't do this! (tries to stop him from getting the telephone Ross: (struggling) why not!? I mean, this is going to be my third divorce. I can't do this, this isn't fair on me (he grabs the phone) Chan: (grabs the phone off him and throws it at the door) Ross! (the phone hits the door and they stop struggling, then after a few seconds they carry on) No, Ross! Listen to yourself! (mimics him) me, me, me, I've got to do this for me! (back to self) what about Rachel huh? Have you even considered what she wants? She doesn't want to stay married! Even though you do, a marriage is a two way thing. It doesn't work with just one person putting in the effort- Ross: Well what if- Chan: No! You gotta do this! If not for you, do it for her! (Ross stops struggling) Now face up to it (Monica opens her bedroom door and sees them sprawled on the sofa) Mon: (when they realise that she's looking at them) Well, whatever rocks your boat (shrugs and goes back to her room) I just want you to realise that he's my boyfriend
Ross has gone, Monica walks out of her room. Chandler is in the kitchen
Mon: So what was all that about? (joins Chandler at the table) Chan: Oh, it was this stupid thing, Ross wants to stay married, and stuff, and I had to stop him. Mon: Chandler, where do you see our relationship going? Chan: Um, well I thought it was okay. Mon: Well, you know, what we did in Vegas was a big thing that we can't ignore, even though I said we should. And as we didn't go through with it, I think we should talk about it. Chan: (getting scared) but we did, in Vegas remember? Mon: Okay, well maybe we should talk about that talk. Chan: (getting more scared) Mon..? Mon: Well, it was just something you said, which I've been thinking about since you said it. (Chandler looks even more scared) Chan: What? (backs away from her) What, what did I say? Mon: You said that, we haven't even moved in together yet and yet we were waiting to get married at that chapel. Chan: And...? Mon: Moving in together, what do you think?
Chan: (after that long pause) When, ah, when can I move my stuff in? (he smiles and Monica runs up and hugs and kisses him) Mon: That did mean yes right? (Chandler pushes her away and looks at her sarcastically)
Scene: Central Perk, everyone except for Joey and Phoebe are there. Chandler, Monica and Rachel are on the sofa, and Ross is on the couch. They're all listening to Rachel.
Rach: and then he said, (in a really low voice) you are now divorced All: Wahoo! Ross: So that's divorce number three in the pan, and I'm only thirty one! Mon: and now we've got more stuff to make fun of you with! All: yay! Mon: How's Joey doing? Chan: He rang from Kansas, he says he's picked up a chick (Monica glares at him) a girl... and, that she's coming back with him. Apparently she's really hot (Monica stares at him again) But Joey says she's not a patch on you! Mon: Thank you. (Phoebe runs in) Phoe: Hey guys ad-lib hellos Phoe: (sees Rachel) oh, are you divorced yet? Rach: yes Phoe: So Ross, was the third won free? Ross: oh, ha ha Phoe: Oh Monica, I was up in your apartment and it looks like the free porn's back. (Ross and Chandler look at each other, then run out of the cafe) ugh, men Rach: I can't believe I was married to one. Mon: What is it about them? So attracted to you, then when you mention the big C word, they run a (sees that the other two don't know what she's on about) commitment. R/Ph: Oh! Mon: and they run a mile! Rach: Mon, are you okay? Phoe: yeah, Commitment and Porn have never been used in the same sentence before. Well not by you anyway. Mon: what? I'm fine. Well, actually I'm not Phoe: What? are you and Chandler still mad at each other? Mon: No Rach: Oh I know, You and Chandler got married, but he wants to back out of it. Mon: Not quite, but, okay, we were at the chapel, and we were just about to get married, but when you and Ross ran out of that chapel- Phoe: Wait, you were going to get married? Without us? Rach: Monica! Well, you know what? we're not going to invite you to ours! (they storm out) Mon: Well you never invited me to yours! (sees they're gone, then turns back around)both of them...
Scene: M&R's Chandler and Ross are there, they're watching porn. They're both on the sofa.
Chan: I don't understand what women don't like about porn. Ross: I think it's because they think it makes them look like objects. Chan: yeah (they look at each other, and then crack up) Ross: Oh, hey look, My Gay friends Wedding is starting. (they start watching it, and then they both look confused) did that just say what I thought it said? Chan: (looks at him shocked) quick tape it!(they rush to find a tape and put it in the VCR) Oh this is gonna be fun! (they sit back down and start laughing) (Monica walks in) Mon: Hey! Don't pollute my television with porn (walks over to turn it off) Guys: No! no! no leave etc... Mon: What? Ross: Keep watching! Mon: (looks at the screen) Oh my God! (points at the screen) that's, that's, Chan: I know! Mon: tape it! (looks at the VCR) oh, you are. It's not my Entertainment Tonight tape is it? (the guys look at each other guiltily) My Entertainment Tonight tape!? (looks at the screen) ah, it's worth it. (she sits next to Chandler)
Time lapse: everyone except Joey is there watching My Gay Friends Wedding. Ross, Monica and Chandler are on the sofa, Rachel is on the floor, and Phoebe is on the couch.
Phoe: This movie's kinda long isn't it? We've been watching it for the past two hours. Chan: No, while you were in the bathroom we rewound it to the beginning. Phoe: Oh, and I thought I was getting de-ja vu Rach: What do you think he'll say? Ross: Who knows? (he shrugs) Chan: Who cares? (they all laugh)
M&R's still watching My Gay Friends Wedding
All: (they're laughing) Chan: Shouldn't Joey be home about now? Ross: Isn't he with that girl from Kansas? Chan: (not getting the point) yeah...? (realising) oh yeah... Mon: It's nearly finished again. (Joey and the girl walk in) Phoe: No (looks at her watch) good twenty minutes til the end Joey: Til the end of what? (Rachel jumps up and turns off the TV) Rach: Hey! How was Vegas? (walks over to Joey) Phoe: How's my cab? Ross: Who's the girl? Joey: Oh sorry, Rosie, this is everybody, everybody, this is Rosie! Rosie: Hello, Ad lib hellos Joey: have a seat (he leads Rosie to the sofa and Chandler gets up to make room, she sits in his place) Chan: (stands next to Joey and whispers) she is hot! Joey: (whispers back) told you! (to the others) so why'd you turn off the TV? Rach: erm, (tries to find an explanation, gives up) well (reluctantly turns the TV and VCR back on) that (we can now see the screen of the TV, it shows Joey waking up next to a man) Joey: Oh My God! (runs and turns the TV off) Rosie: You did gay porn? Joey: Well.. (scratches his back and looks anxious) Rosie: I can live with that (kisses him) Chan: Niice