The One With Moose And Squirrel


Written by: Firestorm17

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

[This fanfic is meant to follow "TOW The Futile Attractions" but not all that closely. This means that Monica and Chandler have announced their engagement. Monica is three months pregnant. Ross and Rachel are together. Phoebe is in a secret relationship with Gunther, and Joey is out of the closet. The title of this particular fanfic comes from the names of two of the minor characters: Robyn's brother's pet rabbits Rocky and Bullwinkle who will be staying with Robyn while her brother is in Colorado. These little guys are loosely based on my sister's pet rabbits Jack and Blue.]


[The stairway. At first glance, it's empty. But then, people are heard coming up the stairs. It's Robyn and her brother Tyler, and they're in the middle of an argument.]

ROBYN: (off camera) Ty, for the last time, I was not hitting on your boyfriend. (As she talks, Robyn turns a corner and comes into view. She's carrying a large but empty metal cage and a folded tarp.)

TYLER: (He's a couple steps behind Robyn and carrying a cat carrier in each hand.) Oh, please. I know you. (He imitates Robyn's voice.) So, Annie, do you need any help with your (pause) pole?

ROBYN: I do not sound like that. Besides, that was a perfectly innocent question.

TYLER: If it was all so innocent, why is it that when I walked in, you jumped away from him and almost knocked over a lamp?

ROBYN: You know, it might have had something to do with that ice cube you put down my back. And now that you mention it, I really should have knocked over that lamp. Where'd you get that tacky thing anyway, eGay? (At the landing, Tyler and Robyn bump into Monica and Chandler who are on their way down.)

CHAN: Hi Robyn. What are you doing?

ROBYN: I'm pet-sitting for my brother like I told you.

CHAN: (He looks in the empty cage.) Oh, how cute. (He pretends not to notice that Robyn is glaring at him.) You know, I had a pet nothing when I was a kid. Looked just like that. Of course, I was devastated when it ran away.

ROBYN: (Having had enough of this she puts down the cage and takes a step toward Chandler.) Chandler, tell me something. Have you ever been bitch-slapped before?

CHAN: (embarrassed) Well, yeah. (Robyn and Tyler look at him in disbelief.) By George Michael. (This doesn't help. Chandler becomes nearly inaudible.) I rushed the stage at a Wham! concert.

TYLER: (He's trying very hard not to laugh. to Monica) So this guy is Matthew's son, he lives with a gay man, he rushed the stage at a Wham! Concert, and now you're marrying him? Oh, yeah, that can't miss! (Monica gives Tyler a Look.)

ROBYN: Ignore him, Mon. Try to remember that it's coming from someone who spends his spare time trying to out Star Wars characters.

MON: Aren't there a lot of people that do that?

ROBYN: Not with Darth Vader, they don't. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm baby-sitting Tyler's pet rabbits, or as my mom calls them "the closest she'll ever get to grandchildren." Guys, meet Rocky and Bullwinkle. (Tyler holds up the carriers for them to see.)

CHAN: (to Monica, in a really bad Russian accent) Look, Natasha, is Moose and Squirrel.

ROBYN: Right. Tyler's going off to Vail with his boyfriend, so until he gets back, these little guys are bunking with me.

TYLER: (to Robyn, in a resigned way) Go ahead and say it. I know you're going to anyway.

ROBYN: (She grins.) So, tell me about the rabbits, George.

TYLER: Nope, that's still not funny. Remember to give them the alfalfa pellets. Save the yogurt drops for special treats. You've got the number for the ski lodge. Don't call after eight unless it's important. (to the rabbits) I'm going to miss you, babies. I love you. (to Robyn) I've got to go. The cab's waiting.

ROBYN: Bye, Tyler. (Tyler makes his dramatic exit.) I wonder when he's going to realize that he still has Rocky and Bullwinkle. (She gets her answer when Tyler returns and puts the cat carriers onto the empty cage.)

TYLER: Oh, shut up. (He makes another exit, less dramatic this time.)

ROBYN: All right, anybody want to help me get these guys upstairs?

Opening theme.

[Central Perk. The whole group is there, and they're talking about Monica and Chandler's upcoming wedding.]

ROBYN: So, did you look at that place I was telling you about? The Caldwell Galleries?

MON: Yes, we did, and it was the most romantic place I have ever seen.

ROBYN: Really?

CHAN: It was absolutely beautiful. I could totally see us getting married there.

ROBYN: So then I'm assuming that they've replaced the "Beyond Kama Sutra" exhibit.

MON & CHAN: No.

ROSS: Anyone else want out of this conversation?

ROBYN: Anyone else? More like everyone else.

MON: You guys! They'll have changed the exhibit before the wedding. Your friend Marissa even took us into the store room to show us the "Everlasting Love" collection.

ROBYN: I thought those were the pieces she brought out for February. Why would she show you them?

CHAN: Because she said the July pictures won't be out for Valentine's Day.

RACH: You're getting married on Valentine's Day? That's the most romantic day of the year!

MON: I know!

ROBYN: (She's a lot less enthusiastic.) You're having your wedding on Valentine's Day?

CHAN: Well, we wanted to get married then, and I've heard that's the way people usually do that.

ROBYN: I know that. It's just- You know the way you feel about Thanksgiving?

CHAN: Yeah. (pause) Oh.

ROBYN: My parents got married on Valentine's Day. Coincidentally, they also got divorced on Valentine's Day. Dad forgot their anniversary. (off everyone's looks) Yeah, that's my dad for you.

RACH: Your parents got divorced on Valentine's Day?

ROBYN: Just the first time. Can we talk about anything else now?

ROSS: Your parents have been divorced more than once?

ROBYN: My mom has. I guess it runs in the family or something. Why don't we talk about the wedding now?

MON: Okay. Actually, we could use a little help. Does anyone know what kind of flowers would look good in the gallery. It has sort of beige coloring.

RACH: I don't know. I suppose that you could have pink and yellow roses for the hall, and for the bouquet you could add some white carnations and baby's breath. Of course, if you do that, you're pretty much stuck with pink or yellow for the bridesmaids' dresses. Personally, I think you should go with yellow, because pink kind of makes me look like a giant marshmallow Peep.

ROSS: (He's a little nervous.) Wow, you're really put some thought into this.

RACH: Honey, they've been dating for months. After a while, people just start thinking about these things.

ROSS: They do, do they?

RACH: If they think the relationship's going anywhere, they do. Haven't you been thinking about any of this?

ROSS: (backpedalling) Oh, sure. All the time. You know me. I'm always thinking about weddings and marriage. And everything that has to do with weddings and marriage.

RACH: Oh, that's right. You're the marrying man.

ROSS: Yeah. (very tiny laugh) That's me.

CHAN: I thought that was Alec Baldwin. (Everyone looks at him funny.) What? Somebody was going to say it.

RACH: Oh, would you look at that? I'm late for work.

MON: I thought that you didn't have to be in for another hour.

RACH: It's that late already? I've really got to go. (to Ross) Love you, honey.

ROSS: Okay. Love you too.

ROBYN: All right. Why don't we finish planning this wedding before we start on the next one, 'kay? Now, as far as entertainment's concerned, I have to suggest Danny Reynolds and his band because Danny's my cousin, but I can't recommend them because at my third wedding they played "Another One Bites the Dust". Sure, it was true, but it was still in really bad taste.

ROSS: Wait a minute. Back up. What did you mean "the next wedding"?

ROBYN: Well, I don't have a boyfriend, Phoebe won't let us meet her boyfriend, and Joey doesn't have airfare to Hawaii. You do the math.

ROSS: Sure, now that's true, but what makes you think Rachel and I will be getting married anytime soon? (Everyone looks at Ross for a second, and then they all break out laughing.)

PHOEBE: (She sees that Ross isn't laughing.) Oh. You were serious?

Commercial.

[It's pretty much the same as before but fifteen minutes later.]

MON: All right, we'll see you guys later. We're going to go pick out our wedding cake.

ROBYN: Are you going to H.M.S. Petit Four?

CHAN: Yeah, why?

ROBYN: (She gets to her feet.) Want to share a cab? Ty's apartment is only a block away, and I have to pick up Rocky and Bullwinkle's Bugs Bunny videos.

CHAN: Rocky and Bullwinkle have Bugs Bunny videos? Isn't that a conflict of interest or something?

ROBYN: Tell me about it. (Robyn, Monica and Chandler all leave.)

ROSS: So you guys really think that Rachel and I are going to get married next?

JOEY: It's not really important what we think.

PHOEBE: Yeah, the important thing is what Rachel thinks.

ROSS: Great. For a minute there, I was worried.

JOEY: So you don't want to get married again?

ROSS: Not right now. I just got out of a bad marriage. It's going to take a while before I'm ready to try again.

PHOEBE: Oh, no.

ROSS: (He's now close to panic.) What?

PHOEBE: Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you just tell Rachel that you're always thinking about commitment and marriage?

ROSS: I might have.

JOEY: And didn't you propose to Emily after you'd been dating her for, like, five minutes?

PHOEBE: Oh! And didn't she just call you the marrying man?

ROSS: Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean she wants to get married right now. Does it? (Before anyone can answer, Jeff, Joey's significant other, comes in the door.)

JEFF: Hi, Joey. (He briefly kisses Joey "hello".) You ready to go shopping with me?

JOEY: Just a minute. We're trying to figure something out. What would you say to a guy who just told his girlfriend he's been thinking about marriage?

JEFF: (He thinks about this for a second.) "You may now kiss the bride."

[The personal shopping department of Bloomingdales. Rachel is the only one there. Her co-workers Kelly and Cassie walk in to chat.]

KELLY: Rachel? Are you in here? You're really early.

RACH: Am I? Oh, well. I was up anyway.

CASS: Why? I wouldn't get up early if you paid me.

RACH: I was helping my best friend plan her wedding.

KELLY: A wedding? That's great! Anyone we know?

RACH: I don't think so. Anyway, we were talking about flowers, I think, and my boyfriend, just out of nowhere, tells me he's been thinking about marriage.

CASS: Get out! You are so lucky it makes me sick.

RACH: What are you talking about?

KELLY: Rachel, when a man says he's been thinking about marriage, it generally means that he's going to ask you to marry him.

RACH: You guys, that's ridiculous. Ross just got divorced. It's way too early for him to want to get married again.

CASS: You're dating a guy who just got divorced? And people think I'm screwed up.

KELLY: Why would you do something like that?

RACH: It's not like that. He's a great guy. The only reason he's divorced again is that he kept thinking about being (slowly realizes what she's saying) married. . . to me. Oh.

KELLY: Make sure you call me when it happens. This is so exciting.

RACH: Don't you two have work you should be doing?

KELLY & CASS: No.

[The H.M.S. Petit Four. It's what one would expect of a pastry shop in the East Village that's named after a Gilbert and Sullivan musical. Monica, Chandler and Robyn walk in the front door.]

MON: So you're saying this place is good, right?

ROBYN: Good? The icing alone is out of this world. It's called Little Buttercream (pause) though I never could tell why. (At this point, Jimmy, the proprietor of the shop notices them. He is played by a suddenly blond Ben Affleck.)

JIM: Robyn? (He comes over for a closer look.) Oh, my God. What the hell are you doing in here?

ROBYN: (She's just thrilled to see him.) Jimmy! Get your ugly mug over here! (She hugs him and then she looks him over.) What happened here? (She indicates Jimmy's hair.) Somebody tell you gentlemen prefer blonds?

JIM: Funny. So what brings you here anyway? Let me guess: another wedding cake?

ROBYN: How'd you know?

JIM: Oh, Robyn. Not again. Well, at least this one's better looking than the last one.

ROBYN: Yeah, he is. That's probably because he's not with me.

JIM: He's not? Then why- Oh! Congratulations. I was wondering when you'd come over to our team.

ROBYN: She's not with me, either. It's not my wedding, genius. It's theirs.

JIM: Oh. (to Monica and Chandler) Mazel tov. (to Robyn) So they would be friends of yours, then?

ROBYN: He's Matthew's son.

JIM: He's Matthew's son? (to Monica) And you're marrying him? Lady, you've got b- (Robyn elbows him in the ribs.) guts!

CHAN: Hey!

MON: You can't talk about my fiancÚ that way!

ROBYN: (quietly to Jimmy) I'd drop it if I were you. She could kick your butt in her sleep.

JIM: Okay. This is me minding my own business.

MON: All right then, let's see some cakes.

Commercial.

[Central Perk. Phoebe, Ross, Joey and Jeff are there. The place is pretty empty.]

JEFF: Well, we'd love to stay and chat, but it's starting to cut into our Saks life. Let's go, Joey.

JOEY: See you guys later. (Joey and Jeff leave.)

PHOEBE: He said "Saks", right?

ROSS: That's what I heard. (Gunther comes over and joins them.)

GUN: Hi, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Listen, Ross, I know you're having some problems right now, but could you have them someplace else? We'd really like some privacy here.

ROSS: Fine. I guess I could go home. (desperately depressed) Bye.

GUN: (He joins Phoebe on the couch.) What's with him?

PHOEBE: It's nothing. He just thinks his girlfriend wants to get married.

GUN: (He can't believe what he just heard.) Why would he be upset about that?

PHOEBE: Oh! You're so sweet. (She kisses him.)

JEFF: (off screen. He and Joey are coming back.) Why didn't you tell me I left my credit card on the counter?

JOEY: How was I supposed to know? (They walk in and see Phoebe and Gunther.) Pheebs?

PHOEBE: Oh, no.

JOEY: Are you trying to get a cold again?

[Time lapse. Joey and Phoebe are having a friend-to-friend talk.]

JOEY: You're dating Gunther? How did that happen?

PHOEBE: He was all upset, and I was just trying to cheer him up.

JOEY: I think that would do it. What was he so upset about anyway?

PHOEBE: I don't really know. I think he got dumped or something.

JOEY: Uh-oh.

PHOEBE: No! I don't want there to be an uh-oh.

JOEY: Pheebs, how do you know he's not just using you to get over this other girl?

PHOEBE: That's it? Phew! For a second there, I was really worried.

JOEY: So you think he's serious about you?

PHOEBE: Think it? I know it!

JOEY: Because you're psychic, right?

PHOEBE: Yeah, and I've been getting such committed feelings from him lately,

JOEY: Really?

PHOEBE: Oh, and just today he told me that he's okay with it if his girlfriend wants to get married. (Joey doesn't get it.) And that's me!

JOEY: All right, Pheebs! (They hug. Joey starts thinking.) Oh, man. Everybody's going through the Tunnel but me! (Jeff returns from the restroom.)

JEFF: Joey? (Joey stops hugging Phoebe.) We better get going. You know how I get when I don't get my Saks. (Everybody in the coffee shop looks at him strangely.) Does this concern you?

JOEY: Yeah, why don't we get going? See you later, Pheebs.

PHOEBE: Bye, Joey. (Joey and Jeff leave. Gunther rejoins Phoebe.)

GUN: So, where were we? (They resume kissing, but then Robyn walks in, closely followed by Monica and Chandler.)

ROBYN: (She sees Phoebe and Gunther.) Captain on the bridge! (Phoebe and Gunther pull away from one another.)

PHOEBE: Oh, cool. Where?

ROBYN: (slightly confused) Uh, me?

PHOEBE: (She laughs dismissively.) You're not a captain.

ROBYN: All right, somebody else talk now.

PHOEBE: Oh, did you guys find the cake?

MON: Yeah, finally. I don't think I've ever eaten that much cake before in my life.

CHAN: Really? I thought-

ROBYN: Chandler, reconsider whatever you're about to say. (Chandler does so and shudders.)

CHAN: Thanks, man. That could have really gotten messy.

ROBYN: Have that conversation three more times, and you'll know how my morning went.

MON: Hey, what did you mean by "messy"?

ROBYN: Don't worry about it. I'm sure you would have known how to get a chalk outline out of the carpet.

PHOEBE: What was that all about?

MON: Nothing, really. I'm just starting to show now.

PHOEBE: And?

CHAN: And the guy at the store said she was looking a little chunky (afraid for his life) which could not be any more wrong.

ROBYN: So then Monica took a mood swing at him.

MON: You know, the sad part is that you thought that was funny.

ROBYN: Well, I'd love to stay here and be mocked, but I'd better go make sure Rocky and Bullwinkle haven't trashed my apartment.

CHAN: Yeah, they're probably up there raiding the fridge and making long distance calls. (Monica laughs.)

ROBYN: Why does she always laugh when you say it?

CHAN: You really don't want to know.

ROBYN: You're right. I really don't. (She leaves.)

MON: I have to go, too. I'm meeting Rachel for lunch.

CHAN: Okay. Bye-bye, sweetie.

MON: Bye-bye, sweetie.

PHOEBE: All right, get a room already! (Monica and Chandler stop kissing. Monica leaves.)

Commercial.

[Central Perk. It's half an hour later. Chandler is sitting between Phoebe and Gunther. He's telling a story, and Phoebe and Gunther really want him to go away.]

CHAN: So Mon says to the guy "How come you have so many Napoleons?" And then I say "Maybe he's got a complex." (Phoebe and Gunther pretend to laugh.) Napoleons, complex. Come on; that's funny. (Ross walks in.)

ROSS: Chandler? Can I talk to you for a second? I've got a big problem.

PHOEBE: You know, that sounds like something you should be talking about (pause) at home.

ROSS: I haven't said what the problem is yet.

PHOEBE: Well, then spit it out! We don't have all day, you know!

ROSS: (He decides he doesn't want to know.) Why don't we talk about this somewhere else?

CHAN: Okay. (He gets up, and he and Ross start to leave.) But if you use the words "We were on a break", I'm out of there.

[Ross, Rachel and Monica's apartment. Ross is filling Chandler in on his problem.]

ROSS: You just don't get it. Rachel wants to get married. Married!

CHAN: Ross, for the fourth time, I get it. I just don't see how I can help you with this.

ROSS: Well, you're getting married, right?

CHAN: (confused) Right.

ROSS: So what did you do about the commitment thing?

CHAN: The commitment thing?

ROSS: Your fear of commitment. What did you do about it?

CHAN: I don't know. It just went away by itself.

ROSS: (His train of thought has just derailed.) So you're telling me you didn't freak out about marrying Monica at all?

CHAN: Yeah. I mean this is the real thing. Why should I be scared?

ROSS: (He gives Chandler a weird look.) I think we're done here. (He starts to leave.) Listen, if you see Chandler, tell him I want to talk to him. (Ross leaves. Chandler starts to get weirded out by all this.)

["Ready, Set, Spaghetti." Monica and Rachel are having lunch. Monica is having a lot more lunch than Rachel is having.]

MON: (to the waiter, with her mouth full) Excuse me, can we get some more breadsticks over here? (The waiter nods.) Thanks.

RACH: Mon, I have not seen you do this since high school.

MON: Well, I am eating for two now.

RACH: And I assume the other person is John Goodman? (Monica gives her a look usually reserved for those who don't use coasters.) Fine, you don't have to bite my head off. I've got my own problems.

MON: Since when do you have problems?

RACH: Okay, why does everybody have to say that? I have problems!

MON: (She's patronizing Rachel.) Sure you do, honey. What is it this time?

RACH: It's Ross. I think he's going to ask me to marry him.

MON: And what? My brother's not good enough for you?

RACH: No! Of course not. It's just, marriage, commitment. (She screams just like in "TOW Ross Can't Flirt", if that had happened.) You know what I'm talking about.

MON: Actually, I don't.

RACH: Come on. Are you telling me you didn't freak out about getting married at all?

MON: I guess I am.

RACH: Mon, please. I mean you're marrying Chandler, for God's sake. (Monica gives Rachel a Look.)

[Robyn's apartment. Robyn is bent double looking under her computer desk. Someone knocks on her door, and she bangs her head on the underside of her desk.]

ROBYN: Ow! (She rubs the new bump on her head.) Come in. (Chandler enters, looking very upset.)

CHAN: Great, you're here-

ROBYN: Shut that door! (Chandler does so, completely confused.)

CHAN: Look, can we talk?

ROBYN: Okay. Just be very quiet. I'm hunting wabbits. (Chandler looks at her funny.) Bullwinkle's loose in my apartment, and I have to find him before he chews up the phone cord or something.

CHAN: Need any help?

ROBYN: Definitely. Why don't you look over there, and I'll look over here?

CHAN: Okay. (He starts looking.) Do you think Monica and I have a weird relationship?

ROBYN: (She considers this while still looking.) Yes.

CHAN: (He stops looking to look at Robyn.) What?

ROBYN: Well, you have to consider what's "normal" to me. I mean you're talking to someone who eventually had to start numbering her stepfathers.

CHAN: (He's still looking.) When?

ROBYN: I don't know. Somewhere around Henry the eighth.

CHAN: Your eighth stepfather?

ROBYN: No, the eighth Henry. Why are you asking me this anyway?

CHAN: I was just wondering if it was weird that I haven't, you know, freaked out about the whole "getting married" scenario.

ROBYN: Now, hold it right there. If you haven't freaked out, what would you call last month's little "Nightmare on Elm Street"?

CHAN: That doesn't really count.

ROBYN: It didn't? As I recall, you had a torrid affair with the Marlboro Man. Or should I assume you do that on a regular basis?

CHAN: No. You see that wasn't a "marriage" freak-out. That was a "Richard" freak-out. I haven't had a "marriage" freak-out since I asked Monica to marry me, and I have to say it's got me worried.

ROBYN: (overly dramatic) Holy matrimony, Fear-Of-Commitment Man!

CHAN: I'm serious. I used to be the king of fear of commitment. I mean when I was with Janice, I flipped out over chicken piccata. I'm no expert on this, but I'm pretty sure marriage is a little more serious than that.

ROBYN: (still looking) All right, two things: A: I've met Janice. If you hadn't freaked out about her, you would have been committed, and B: maybe it just hasn't hit you that you're really getting married.

CHAN: Let's see: down on one knee, gave her a ring, she said yes. No, that's getting married.

ROBYN: (She sighs, annoyed.) I meant that maybe you haven't been thinking past the big day. Personally, I don't blame you. (At this point, Chandler is distracted by something and goes into another room without Robyn noticing.) With all that's been going on lately, it's been really easy to get distracted by what's happening to everyone else and- (She looks up and realizes that Chandler is no longer in the room.) And I'm talking to myself. Chandler? Are you still here? (Chandler emerges from Robyn's room, bearing a very bad hat, sort of like the one Joey wore in London only with little purple bells on the top.)

CHAN: (as Bullwinkle J. Moose) Hey, Rocky. Watch me pull a rabbit out of a hat. (He extracts Bullwinkle the rabbit from the bad hat.)

ROBYN: Oh, thank you. (She accepts both rabbit and hat from Chandler.) Where did you find him?

CHAN: He was at the bottom of your closet taking a nap in this great hat.

ROBYN: (to the rabbit) So you were in the closet, you wascally wabbit. You're just like your daddy, aren't you? (to Chandler) Anyway, like I was saying-

CHAN: Uh, Robyn?

ROBYN: (She notices that she is still holding both hat and rabbit.) Oh, sorry. (She puts the hat down and puts the rabbit into its cage.) Anyway, I was saying that you're eventually going to have realize what you're getting yourself into.

CHAN: What do you mean? Give me an example.

ROBYN: All right, but if Monica asks, I did not do this. Did you think about how Monica is going to be there, every day, for the rest of your life?

CHAN: (He smiles.) Yeah.

ROBYN: Okay, let's try again. Do you realize that if Yasmine Bleeth came here and said "I want you, Chandler Bing," you'd have to say "No, thanks, I'm married."

CHAN: Yeah, why?

ROBYN: Hmm. That always works when it's me and David Duchovny. All right, I've got it. What about that in two short months, Chandler Bing will only be an extension of Monica Geller?

CHAN: (Now, he's weirded out.) What? That's not how it works.

ROBYN: It's not? My mom always used to say it. Is it really that weird?

CHAN: How many times have you been divorced again? Marriage isn't supposed to be a hostile takeover. It's supposed to be about two people deciding to share the rest of their lives, because they love each other.

ROBYN: Let's see: Chandler Bing is telling me about sharing his life with someone. Forget weird. This is the Twilight Zone. (Chandler gives her an annoyed look.)

Commercial.

[Central Perk. Phoebe and Gunther are making out on the couch. Rachel walks in, and Gunther stops kissing Phoebe.]

GUN: This isn't what it looks like.

PHOEBE: Gunther, we don't have to stop. It's just Rachel.

RACH: Hey, just because I know doesn't mean I want to watch.

GUN: (shy) Sorry, Rachel.

PHOEBE: Oh, my God, what's wrong?

RACH: What? There's nothing wrong.

PHOEBE: You can say there's nothing wrong all you want, but that black mark in your aura speaks for itself.

RACH: Oh, you're right. It's Ross. I just don't know if I really want to marry him.

GUN: Yes! (Rachel looks at him strangely.) I mean yes?

RACH: Anyway, I don't know what to do about it. Pheebs, what do you think I should do?

PHOEBE: Leave me out of this, okay? If you'd listened to me, Ross would still be married to Emily.

GUN: (to Phoebe) I love you.

PHOEBE: Oh! I love you, too. (She starts kissing Gunther again.)

RACH: (sarcastic) Well, thanks for all you help. (She leaves, while Phoebe and Gunther continue to make out.)

[Robyn's apartment. Robyn is working at her computer with her back to the door. Joey walks in.]

JOEY: All right, I'm here.

ROBYN: (She and her chair rotate to face Joey, revealing that she is holding Rocky the fluffy white rabbit in her lap.) So, we meet again, Mr. Bond.

JOEY: No, it's me, Joey.

ROBYN: (She rolls her eyes at Joey and then gets to her feet.) Anyway, thanks again for doing this. I could really use the help. (She hands Rocky to Joey and gets Bullwinkle from the cage.)

JOEY: Don't mention it. It'll be fun having a sleepover at your place.

ROBYN: All right, why is it that straight guys can never say that?

JOEY: I don't know. I just didn't want to be there for Monica and Chandler's "private party".

ROBYN: Hmm. They must be having a wake for his fear of commitment.

JOEY: What do you mean?

ROBYN: You know Chandler's whole marriage anxiety thing? Gone. Either this is the real thing or we've wandered onto the set of "The Stepford Bings".

JOEY: He's a really lucky guy, you know.

ROBYN: I guess he is.

[Time lapse. Pizza has arrived. Robyn and Joey are alternating between feeding carrots to the rabbits and feeding pizza to themselves.]

JOEY: All right, the third floor women's room of the NYC public library.

ROBYN: In a library? Didn't anyone come in and shush you?

JOEY: (quite proud of himself) Yeah, twice. Okay, now what's your weirdest place?

ROBYN: I'm not telling you that.

JOEY: Come on, I told you mine.

ROBYN: No way, I never win at this.

JOEY: Please?

ROBYN: All right, all right. 1985, Paris, France, Eiffel Tower elevator. (Joey gives her an odd look.) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator for three hours with a really hot guy?

JOEY: How do you lose with that?

ROBYN: Because nothing can beat my brother with "ballroom of a Chuck E. Cheeze, at his own birthday party, with the guy in the rat suit."

JOEY: Cool.

[Time lapse. Joey and Robyn are still there patting the bunnies.]

JOEY: So you knew about Phoebe and Gunther all this time? How?

ROBYN: I sort of walked in while they were, you know, (air quotes) "percolating". I just couldn't believe it.

JOEY: I know. And now, she says that they're thinking about getting married.

ROBYN: Oh, my God. Are you sure?

JOEY: He told her that he'd be okay if she wanted to get married. I know those words; I've been avoiding them for twenty years.

ROBYN: Oh, that's so (deflated) great.

JOEY: What's wrong?

ROBYN: Nothing. Not a thing. (The oven timer goes off.) Hey, the cookies are done. Want one? (She gets up, puts Bullwinkle on Joey, and goes into the kitchen.)

JOEY: Come on. You can tell Joey.

ROBYN: (off camera) I just realized that of all our friends, we're the only ones who aren't making some big commitment to anyone right now.

JOEY: Well, I wouldn't say that.

ROBYN: Oh? Why not?

JOEY: Because this afternoon, I asked Jeff to move in with me. (There's a huge crash from the kitchen, and Robyn comes back into the living room.)

ROBYN: You what?!

JOEY: Jeff and I are moving in together.

ROBYN: (She looks from Joey to the now-empty pizza box.) I knew there was something funny about those mushrooms.

Commercial.

[Central Perk. It's the next morning. Everyone except Ross is there.]

RACH: For God's sake, will you two just drop it?

MON: Come on, we really need your help here?

CHAN: Have any of you ever been in a relationship where you didn't worry about where it was going?

ROBYN: Well, yeah. My first marriage. But then again, I had proof. (beat) Eighty proof.

CHAN: Anyone else?

JOEY: (dreamy) I can't believe I'm really moving in with Jeff.

ROBYN: (to Chandler) I think you can take that as a big yes.

MON: This isn't funny, you guys. We have a real problem here.

ROBYN: (overly dramatic) Oh, my God. You're right. You have the perfect relationship. You're having a baby. (overly dramatic gasp) You know, if you two won the lottery, you'd be really screwed!

CHAN: Hey, that's my joke!

ROBYN: Oh, my bad. I still think you're overreacting, though.

MON: But all the normal couples get cold feet about marriage!

RACH: Mon, what normal couples do you even know?

MON: Well, there's you and Ross. . .

RACH: Wait a minute. You've been comparing your relationship to Ross's and mine? That's what this is all about?

MON: Well, yeah.

RACH: So, I'm the one dating the guy who married a lesbian, I'm the one you was subjected to the whole "We were on a break" fiasco, I'm the one whose boyfriend just got divorced, like, ten seconds ago, but you are the one in the weird relationship?

CHAN: Sure, when you say it that way. . .

RACH: I mean, me and Ross, we're supposed to freak out. Hell, we've got enough baggage to fill an airport! (Ross, who has just walked in, hears this and stops, unseen by his friends.) You guys, you're in this great place right now. You're ready to make a real commitment here. I'm just not there with Ross yet. (She laughs.) I mean, we'd have to be crazy to want to get married right now.

MON: Yeah, I guess you're right.

CHAN: Thanks, Rachel.

[While Monica and Chandler are talking, the camera pans over to Ross standing at the door, still unnoticed. He looks totally crushed. He looks down at the little box in his hand and opens it, revealing the beautiful engagement ring inside. This causes the tears to start welling up. He closes the box and leaves the coffee shop, sobbing.]

END

No teaser for this one. I'd just go with the theme music over a view of the city.