The One With Molly and Holly
(Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are on the couch and Rachel is sitting on the right-side chair.)
Chandler -- (looking at his coffee cup) Do the mugs here really have to be this big? I mean, who drinks this much coffee?
Monica -- You do.
Chandler -- Only because I feel bad not finishing it.
Rachel -- Well, guys we have officially entered the stimulating conversation zone.
Joey -- (rushing in) Guys, guess who got an audition for a new Broadway play?!
Monica -- I don't know...you?
Joey -- Yea!
Chandler -- Wow, Mon, that was a real toughie.
Rachel -- What's the show?
Joey -- Well, it's called "Antigone". It's about this girl whose parents commit suicide and how she has to cope with it.
Monica -- Wow, Joe, that sounds pretty heavy. Are you sure you can handle that?
Joey -- Hey, I'm an actor.
Chandler -- How hot is the lead girl?
Joey -- Oh, so hot!! (Chandler smiles and nods.) Chandler, she's tall and thin and blond and she's got those lips that just pout out...oh, God. I really want this girl...I mean, this part! I really want this part!!
Rachel -- What's your character?
Joey -- I'd play her therapist, but the two of us get to have this steamy love scene. It's great!
Chandler -- Oh yea, there's nothing I like better than getting naked in front of a person who knows all my deep dark secrets.
Monica -- What deep dark secrets?
Chandler -- (looks nervous) So tell us about this part, Joe.
(Scene: Rachel and Monica's. Rachel is on the couch, going through papers. Ross enters.)
Ross -- Oh, hey.
Rachel -- Hey!
Ross -- Is Monica here?
Rachel -- No, she went to visit the triplets with Phoebe. Did you need something?
Ross -- No, I'm just...I don't know.
Rachel -- Ross? Do you need to talk to someone?
Ross -- (sits down in the chair) I don't know. I just...I just miss Emily, ya know? I really love her, Rach.
Rachel -- I know, honey. I know.
Ross -- But, you know what? I wanna forget her. It's over. I wanna move on. I wanna...let's go out. We should go out, somewhere, us...let's go out.
Rachel -- Umm, you know what, Ross? I'd love to, but (indicating the papers) I really have a lotta stuff here. Any other time, you know I would, but...
Ross -- Oh, sure, I understand. Work comes first for you.
Rachel -- No, Ross, work doesn't come first. I just...I really have an important deadline here and...and I'm seeing Danny tonight.
Ross -- Who's Danny? Danny...the Yeti?! Danny the Yeti?!
Rachel -- He's not a Yeti, Ross. He happens to be a really nice guy. We get along really well.
Ross -- Okay, you know what? That's...that's great. Glad to hear it.
Rachel -- Alright, well, thank you, I guess.
Monica -- (enters, sniffling) Those kids are so cute!
Rachel -- Aww! How did they look?
Monica -- They're so cute!!
Ross -- Mon?
Monica -- Yea?
Ross -- Are you okay?
Monica -- They're so cute!!
(Scene: Joey's Audition. He spots the blond girl (preferably played by Denise Richards) mentioned earlier, standing in the corner, and approaches her.)
Joey -- Excuse me?
Girl -- Yes?
Joey -- Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani. I'm gonna be trying out for the therapist part. You're here for Antigone, right?
Girl -- Right. I'm Holly. You look very familiar to me.
Joey -- Probably cause I played Dr. Drake Remoray on "Days of our Lives".
Holly -- No, I hate soaps. That can't be it. Have you ever been on a PBS telethon?
Joey -- Why would I do that? I'm a serious actor.
Man -- (walking over) Holly!
Holly -- Oh, hi. (She kisses him and Joey rolls his eyes.) Joey, this is my boyfriend, Jeff. He's trying out for Sam, Antigone's brother.
Joey -- Oh. Hey.
Jeff -- Hey, great to meet you. Did you ask him about that party?
Holly -- Oh, I forgot! We're having a little get together after auditions tomorrow, just so everyone can get to know each other before we start. You should come.
Jeff -- Yea, bring your girlfriend too.
Holly -- Jeff! I don't even know if he has a girlfriend.
Joey -- Oh, sure I do!
Holly -- Oh, good.
Joey -- Yea, it's pretty serious.
Jeff -- Well, congratulations. I can't wait to meet her.
(Joey nods and smiles.)
(Cut to: Rachel and Monica's. Joey is following Rachel, who is trying to ignore him.)
Rachel -- No, no, no, no, no! Joey, I am not doing this!
Joey -- Why? It's one night.
Rachel -- Because...oh! I am not having this conversation with you. I have a date with Danny. I can't be standing here...
Joey -- Who?
Rachel -- Danny. (Joey looks confused, and Rachel sighs.) The Yeti...
Joey -- Oh! Oh! You're going out with the Yeti?
Rachel -- He's not a Yeti!
Joey -- You just said he was.
Rachel -- I only said that so you would know...look, Joey. I'm sorry, okay? Ask Monica!
Joey -- I can't ask Monica!!
Rachel -- Why not?
Joey -- Cause she's...(thinks about this)...I'll ask her.
(Scene: Chandler and Joey's. Chandler and Monica are sitting on the chair making out.)
Monica -- Mmm....that's nice.
Chandler -- Yea, I know.
Joey -- (entering) Mon...oh, guys, come on!
Monica -- (gets off chair) Sorry, Joe. You should knock.
Joey -- It's my apartment!
Monica -- Yea?
Joey -- (looks confused but forgets it) Anyway, Mon, I have to ask you this really, really, really, REALLY big favor.
Monica -- Joey, I'm not massaging your feet again.
Joey -- Well, that wasn't it but maybe you could do that again soon.
Monica -- Well? What was it?
Joey -- Well, I sort of have this party tonight and the girl that I liked has a boyfriend and...
Chandler -- Oh, I know where this is headed...(Joey looks hopeful.) My answer would be: No.
Joey -- Come on!
Monica -- What?
Chandler -- He wants you to pretend to be his girlfriend so he can look good in front of this girl.
Joey -- Come on, Mon. It's one night. I really have to look good.
Monica -- Did you ask Rachel?
Joey -- She said no.
Monica -- Phoebe?
Joey -- Well, I kinda figured she was a brunette.
Monica -- Who?
Joey -- My fake girlfriend.
Monica -- What's the difference?
Joey -- Listen, Mon...(starts getting emotional)...I never ask you for anything!! Just this one night can't you do me a favor!?!
Monica -- (to Chandler) What do you think?
Chandler -- (standing up) Rule #1: No touching. Rule#2: No groping. Rule#3: No contact at all!!
Joey -- Who do you think I am?
Chandler -- Joey Tribbiani!! (Joey looks offended, then smiles and nods in agreement.)
(Scene: Central Perk. Ross is in the chair. Phoebe is playing a song for Ben on the couch.)
Phoebe -- "With a fftt, fftt here and a fftt, fftt there, here a fftt, there a fftt, everywhere a fftt, fftt."
Ross -- Pheebs, what animal is that?
Phoebe -- A goldfish, duh!
(Ross starts to answer that and decides not to waste his time. Rachel and Danny enter.)
Danny -- So this is the famous coffee shop.
Ross -- (standing up) And I'm the famous Ross.
Danny -- Not so famous.
Rachel -- Danny, this is my friend, Ross. Ross, this is Danny.
Ross -- Right the Ye...young man Rachel met in the storage room.
Danny -- Yea that's me. Rach, where's the phone?
(She points to the back and he walks back there.)
Phoebe -- Well, Rachel, the Yeti is yummy.
Rachel -- Pheebs, I didn't even see ya there. Why didn't you say something? I would've introduced you.
Phoebe -- Sorry. I was just teaching Ben some really cool kidnergarten songs.(Ben is half-asleep on the couch.)
Rachel -- Well, Pheebs, he really looks intrigued.
Ross -- So where are you two kids headed?
Rachel -- Just to a movie. First date kinda stuff.
Ross -- Remember mine and Emily's first date, when we went to Vermont and...(He trails off, about to cry.)
Rachel -- Ross, look, it's gonna be okay. You'll get through this. We're all here for you.
Ross -- Sure, you say that now but Monica and Chandler are always working, Joey's got his auditions, Phoebe's either massaging old men or singing to 3 year olds and you're out with the Yeti all the time.
Rachel -- All the time?!? Ross, it's our first date.
Ross -- I'm sorry. You know what? I'm just...I'm gonna take Ben and we're gonna go home. (He picks up Ben.) I'll see ya later. Bye, Pheebs.
Phoebe -- Okay, Ben, just practice those songs and we'll go over them soon, okay? (Shot of Ben, sleeping as Ross exits)
Danny -- (entering from back) You ready to go?
Rachel -- Danny, you know what? I have to take a raincheck this time. (Phoebe gasps.)
Danny -- Ok, did I miss something?
Rachel -- No, it's not you. I just really have to be with my friend right now. (Phoebe sighs.)
Danny -- Ok, well, is there anything I can do?
Rachel -- No, but I definitely do wanna do this...eventually, just not tonight.
Danny -- Okay, well, bye then. (He kisses her cheek and walks out.)
Phoebe -- You are too cute!
Rachel -- What?
Phoebe -- After all Ross did to you, you're just ready to give up a date with a really cute Yeti guy to talk to him about the girl he married instead of you. (Rachel thinks about that and looks puzzled.)
(Scene: Joey's party. He and Monica enter.)
Monica -- Joey, do you remember the rules?
Joey -- Sure, I do.
Monica -- Then why is your hand on my butt?
Joey -- Oh, that's YOUR butt?
Holly -- (walking over) Hey, Joey!
Joey -- Hey.
Monica -- (slaps Joey's arm out from behind her) Hey, how are ya?
Joey -- Uhh, Holly, this is my girlfriend...uhh...Molly!
Monica -- Wow, Joey, those names rhyme.
Joey -- They sure do!
Holly -- Okay, well it's nice to meet you, Molly. I'm just gonna go over here now. Joey, I'll talk to you later. (She walks away, with a look like she thinks they're crazy.)
Joey -- (calling after her) Okay, Holly!! I'll see ya! (mumbling sarcastically through a fake smile) Oh, yea, she loves me.
Monica -- Okay, Joe. First rule in dating: Make sure the girl doesn't think you're mentally imbalanced.
(Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is sitting on the couch. Ben is asleep in the chair. Rachel enters.)
Rachel -- Hey! I thought you were going home.
Ross -- I didn't make it.
Rachel -- Well, I'm glad you're here.
Ross -- What happened to Danny?
Rachel -- I cancelled.
Ross -- Why?
Rachel -- (sitting down next to him) Because you need me more than he does tonight.
Ross -- Rach...
Rachel -- No, Ross, look, we're friends. I mean, if we weren't, you'd probably still be with Emily, right? (He nods.) So it's the least I can do to sit here and talk to you while you're upset. I mean, God knows you need someone.
Ross -- You know, I didn't think I could love anyone else as much as I loved you (Rachel looks hurt.) but Emily was almost there.
Rachel -- Almost?
Ross -- Rach, we had something special. Even though we couldn't hold on to that, I'll always feel like we belong together. That's why I couldn't let you out of my life. I could never let you go completely.
Rachel -- (grabs his hand) I'm glad you told me this.
Chandler -- (bursts in) I can't take it. I can't take this anymore!!
Ross -- What? What's the matter??
Chandler -- Oh God, there are people here!
Rachel -- What can't you take?
Chandler -- Uhh,...(grabbing a magazine off the table)...these prices!!
(Scene: Chandler and Joey's. Chandler is sitting up in his chair waiting when Monica and Joey enter. Joey has his hand over his eye.)
Monica -- (to Joey) Okay, Joe. Twenty-second rule in dating: Never push a girl you like's boyfriend up against a wall and threaten to rip his eyes out of the sockets, and then expect her to ever speak to you again.
Chandler -- So, this date sounds like it went well. (Joey uncovers his eye. It is black and swollen.) Oh, my God!! What happened to your eye?
Joey -- I got in a fight with Jeff...(Chandler looks confused.)...Holly's boyfriend!
Chandler -- Oh, what about?
Joey -- He was kissing her!!
Chandler -- And?
Monica -- And Joey found it was his obligation to make sure that that didn't happen, even though she seemed to be enjoying it.
Joey -- Hey, she's doesn't know what she missin' alright!?! She could be kissin' JOEY TRIBBIANI!! (yells as he's walking to his room) I WAS DR. DRAKE REMORAY ON "DAYS OF OUR LIVES"!! I WAS A BIG TV STAR!!
Chandler -- And what are ya now?!
Joey -- A guy with a black eye!! (slams his door)
(Scene: Ross' apartment. Ben is sitting on the couch singing to himself.)
Ben -- "With a fftt, fftt here and a fftt, fftt there..."
Ross -- Ben? What are you singing, buddy?
Ben -- Phoebe taught me.
Ross -- You know, the song is actually better if you use an actual animal noise, like "quack" or "moo".
Ben -- Daddy...I like it like this.
Ross -- Yes, I understand but...(Ben shushes him and he looks puzzled.)