The One With All The Men Picking Berries
Written by:Laura Barnett
These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane.
Quick note to the readers: Thank you so much for your support and feedback. You will never know how much it meant to me. I hope you enjoy this story. I am using it as a spec script. :)
INT., MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT -- MORNING
RACHEL, ROSS AND CHANDLER ARE EATING BREAKFAST. PHOEBE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING A MAGAZINE. MONICA IS IN THE KITCHEN CLEANING UP. JOEY ENTERS.
ROSS: How's the new job?
JOEY: Great! This phone sex thing is not so bad. I get to do some acting and I get paid. Oh, and I even had my first shower fantasy last night.
CHANDLER DOES AN IMITATION OF THE FAMOUS PSYCHO SCENE.
MONICA:(TO CHANDLER) If that's your idea of a shower fantasy, we have some things to work on later.
CHANDLER LOOKS HAPPY WITH THAT NEWS BUT THEN NOTICES ROSS SCOWLING
CHANDLER: Or we could be like Joey and just pretend.
JOEY: No, if you were getting paid to fall in love, then you'd be like me.
INT., MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT MOMENTS LATER
THE GANG HAS STOPPED WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND IS LOOKING AT JOEY DUMBFOUNDED.
ROSS: Hold on. Did you say what I think you said?
JOEY: That I'm falling in love? Yeah.
RACHEL: With who?
MONICA: Isn't that the woman who calls you every night?
JOEY: Yeah. She's so cool. She just calls to talk to me. Y'know, regular talk.
RACHEL: How sad is that? (JOEY LOOKS HURT) I mean it's sad that this woman is so lonely that she'd call a 900 number just to talk to someone.
CHANDLER: I'd hate to have her phone bill.
PHOEBE: (LOOKING WORRIED AND DEPRESSED) Yeah, me too.
JOEY: Well I think she's the one.
PHOEBE: She can't be the one.
PHOEBE: Because she's not even real.
JOEY: What do you mean she's not real?
PHOEBE: I mean, you don't even know her. The stuff she tells you could all be lies. What if she's like a seven-foot tall amazon?
JOEY: Actually, that would be kinda cool.
CHANDLER AND ROSS NOD.
MONICA: I think what Phoebe means is that she doesn't want to see you get hurt. None of us do.
JOEY: I know. I just never felt this way before. I mean, c'mon, we're talking about me.
ROSS: Then you should go for it. You should ask her to meet you.
JOEY EXITS. THE OTHERS LOOK AT ROSS LIKE HE'S NUTS. PHOEBE IS GLARING AT HIM.
INT., CHANDLER'S BEDROOM -- DAY
MONICA ENTERS THE ROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR. SHE IS CARRYING FRESH
SHEETS AND A CAN OF LYSOL. THE BED IS UNMADE AND THERE ARE A COUPLE OF ITEMS OF CLOTHES ON
THE FLOOR. MONICA SETS DOWN THE SHEETS ON THE DRESSER AND PULLS THE DIRTY SHEETS OFF THE
BED. EVEN THOSE ARE LOOSELY FOLDED INTO A NEAT PILE. SHE TAKES OFF THE PILLOW CASES AS
WELL. SHE SPRAYS THE BED WITH THE LYSOL AND THEN TIGHTLY FITS THE SHEETS AND MAKES THE
BED. SHE PICKS UP A PAIR OF PANTS OFF THE FLOOR. SHE STARTS TO EMPTY OUT THE POCKETS. SHE
FINDS A PIECE OF PAPER. SHE UNFOLDS IT.
MONICA: Sofia. Who the hell is Sofia?
SHE LOOKS SHAKY AND UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO. SHE THEN PLACES THE SLIP
OF PAPER BACK INTO HIS PANTS POCKET. SHE FOLDS THE PAIR OF PANTS AND PLACES THEM ON THE
BED. SHE GOES TO PICK UP THE SHIRT AND THEN LEAVES IT. SHE TAKES THE PANTS AND THEN THROWS
THEM ON THE FLOOR. SHE EXITS THE ROOM. THEN SHE ENTERS THE ROOM. SHE MESSES UP THE BED
TRYING TO GET IT TO LOOK THE WAY IT DID BEFORE SHE MADE IT. SHE EXITS THE ROOM. SHE ENTERS
THE ROOM SIGHING AND MAKES THE BED AND FOLDS THE CLOTHES AND PLACES THEM ON THE BED.
INT., MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT -- DAY
RACHEL IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING COSMO. MONICA ENTERS FROM HER ROOM. MONICA WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND GRABS A GALLON OF ICE CREAM OUT OF THE FREEZER AND A SPOON. MONICA SITS ON THE COUCH.
MONICA: Hey, Rach, can I talk to you about something?
RACHEL: Yeah, sure.
RACHEL LOOKS UP FROM HER MAGAZINE. MONICA DIGS INTO THE ICE CREAM.
MONICA: I found a woman's name and phone number in Chandler's pants pocket.
RACHEL LOOKS SHOCKED BUT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING FOR A MOMENT.
RACHEL: Well, that could be innocent. Couldn't it?
MONICA: I suppose.
RACHEL: Did you call the number?
MONICA: No. I put it back, but I remember the name. Sofia.
RACHEL: Sofia's never come up before in conversation?
MONICA: Nope. What do I do? Do I ask him about it?
RACHEL GETS UP AND PACES.
RACHEL: I don't know. If it's ... if it's not innocent, would he admit it? And, if it is innocent, then he might be angry with you for not trusting him.
MONICA: I know, I know. I mean, I know I should trust him, but he's come home late a couple nights ...
RACHEL: I've got an idea. I read this in Cosmo.
MONICA: Cosmo? My love life might be in the toilet and you want me to take advice from Cosmo?
RACHEL: Just listen. You know that cyber cafe down the street?
RACHEL: We'll go there and set up a fake e-mail address in this woman's name and then send Chandler and e-mail from her.
MONICA: And what's that supposed to prove?
RACHEL: Well, then you'll see how he responds.
MONICA: I don't know.
RACHEL: Would you rather be sitting here wondering?
MONICA STILL LOOKS DOUBTFUL.
INT., CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT -- DAY
CHANDLER AND ROSS ARE MOVING THE RECLINERS OFF TO THE SIDE AND LOOKING AT THE NOW EMPTY SPACE IN FRONT OF THE TV.
CHANDLER: Okay, now lay down in front of the TV.
ROSS GIVES CHANDLER A LOOK. CHANDLER WAVES AT HIM TO DO IT. ROSS LIES DOWN IN FRONT OF THE TV.
ROSS: Is this good?
CHANDLER: No. Back up.
ROSS SCOOTS AWAY FROM THE TV. CHANDLER MOVES ONE OF THE RECLINERS OFF TO THE SIDE OF ROSS'S FEET AT AN ANGLE. HE CHANGES HIS MIND AND MOVES IT BACK. HE STANDS NEXT TO ROSS WHO IS STILL LYING ON THE FLOOR. PHOEBE ENTERS.
PHOEBE: Hey, what are you guys doing?
CHANDLER: Well, we thought if we could get a few more people we could play Light as a Feather, Stiff as A Board. Ross is the board.
PHOEBE: Oh, I love that game, but I don't think anyone else is around.
ROSS STANDS UP AND DUSTS OFF.
ROSS: Actually, Chandler's thinking about buying a sofa, but we don't know if the chairs and the sofa will fit. So I was pretending to be the sofa and Chandler is pretending to be a coffee table.
PHOEBE: Okay, I think I'll go find someone else to help me with my problem.
ROSS: What's the matter Pheebs?
PHOEBE: Joey's going to hate me.
ROSS: Why would Joey hate you? You're one of his best friends.
PHOEBE: I'm also Darcy.
ROSS AND CHANDLER: You're Darcy?
PHOEBE: Yes. I was just trying to make Joey feel comfortable at his new job. And then he started to really look forward to hearing from her. I didn't think he'd fall in love.
CHANDLER: This is not good.
PHOEBE: I know that!
ROSS: Well does Darcy share the same feelings that Joey has?
PHOEBE: Okay, Ross, let me explain something to you. Darcy's not real.
ROSS: So I should take that as a " No " .
CHANDLER: Joey's going to be crushed. I've never seen him in love before.
PHOEBE: I'm looking for solutions here. (SHE SNAPS HER FINGERS AT THE GUYS THREE TIMES, QUICKLY.)
ROSS: Well, isn't it obvious? You have to come clean. Honesty is the best policy.
PHOEBE: Okay, Ross, maybe in your rosy little childhood it was.
CHANDLER: Would she really be lying if Darcy's not real?
ROSS: It's a stretch, but I'll let you run with this.
CHANDLER: Tell him Darcy is married. Happily married.
PHOEBE: Darcy already told him she was single.
CHANDLER: Why don't you tell him you're moving and you can't possibly get together?
ROSS: Good, except the emergency exit to Yemen has already been used. (BEAT) Maybe, Darcy just has some habits that Joey would never go for like like smoking.
CHANDLER: I like it.
PHOEBE: Okay, I'm going to call him.
PHOEBE PICKS UP CHANDLER'S PHONE AND DIALS.
PHOEBE PUTS IT ON SPEAKERPHONE.
JOEY (O.S.): Hello, this is Jake.
PHOEBE: It's me, Darcy. (IN A NON-PHOEBE VOICE)
JOEY (O.S.): How'ya doing?
CHANDLER AND ROSS ROLL THEIR EYES.
JOEY (O.S.): Good. So, when are we going to meet?
PHOEBE: That's what I'm calling about. There are some things you need to know about me before we can meet.
PHOEBE LOOKS TO CHANDLER AND ROSS FOR REASSURANCE. THEY BOTH NOD.
JOEY (O.S.): What is it?
PHOEBE: I, um, I smoke.
JOEY (O.S.): You smoke?
JOEY SOUNDS DISGUSTED. ROSS AND CHANDLER DO SILENT HIGH-FIVES.
PHOEBE: Yes, three packs a day.
JOEY (O.S.): Oh, well, I guess that's okay.
PHOEBE: Why would that be okay? That's like emphysema city. I'm practically a walking corpse.
JOEY (O.S.): It's okay because I'll help you quit. I'm really good at finding my roommate's secret hiding places for his cigarettes. Everybody thinks he quit. I just throw them away.
ROSS AND PHOEBE LOOK AT CHANDLER IN DISBELIEF. CHANDLER MOTIONS THAT JOEY HAS A SCREW LOOSE.
JOEY (O.S.): Are you still there?
PHOEBE: Yes. Where does he hide his cigarettes?
JOEY (O.S.): Uh, well, there's the carton stuffed in the gym bag at the bottom of his closet, but let's talk about you and me. When am I going to meet you?
ROSS EXITS INTO CHANDLER'S ROOM. CHANDLER QUICKLY FOLLOWS HIM. THERE IS THE SOUND OF A STRUGGLE COMING FROM CHANDLER'S ROOM.
PHOEBE: I, um, I don't know.
JOEY (O.S.): How `bout tomorrow at 7pm at Central Perk? Do you know where that is?
ROSS ENTERS FROM CHANDLER'S ROOM WITH A CARTON OF CIGARETTES. CHANDLER QUICKLY FOLLOWS HIM. CHANDLER IS TRYING TO GRAB THE CARTON BUT ROSS KEEPS IT FROM HIM.
PHOEBE: Huh? (BEAT) Yeah.
JOEY (O.S.): Good, I'll see you then.
JOEY AND PHOEBE HANG UP. ROSS CRUSHES THE CARTON BY STOMPING ON IT. HE TOSSES THEM INTO THE GARBAGE.
CHANDLER: C'mon that was my emergency ...
ROSS: What? You're emergency carton? (BEAT) Wait a minute. Pheebs, did you make a date with Joey?
PHOEBE: No, Darcy did.
CHANDLER: Why did Darcy do that?
PHOEBE: She can't hurt Joey.
ROSS: I know I'm stating the obvious, but neither you nor Darcy can meet him. Now what?
CHANDLER: Maybe we could hire someone to show up and claim to be Darcy.
ROSS: Hire someone?
CHANDLER GETS OUT THE YELLOW PAGES.
CHANDLER: Yeah, an escort. Here ... Attractive models for any occasion.
INT., CYBER CAFE -- NIGHT
INSIDE THE CYBER CAFE ARE ABOUT 15 WORKSTATIONS. THERE ARE A
HANDFUL OF CUSTOMERS ALREADY THERE AND USING THE COMPUTERS. MONICA AND RACHEL ARE SITTING
AT TWO OF THE COMPUTERS.
RACHEL: Look Mon. You can shop online! You even get a little shopping cart!
MONICA: Okay, how do I do this?
A GOOD LOOKING MAN WALKS OVER MICHAEL. RACHEL LOOKS SURPRISED AND PLEASED.
MICHAEL: Can I help you?
MONICA: It's my first time.
MICHAEL SMILES AND MONICA ROLLS HER EYES, BUT IS BLUSHING ANYWAYS.
MONICA: Let's forget it.
RACHEL: She needs an e-mail account. Her name is Sofia. Can you help?
MICHAEL IS CLEARLY ENAMORED WITH RACHEL. HE TURNS TO MONICA BUT STILL HAS HIS EYES ON RACHEL.
MICHAEL: Do you want an alias?
RACHEL: No, no. The name on the account has to be Sofia.
MONICA: Just Sofia. S-O-F-I-A.
MICHAEL: No problem.
MICHAEL TYPES A FEW THINGS, CLICKS A FEW THINGS AND THEN HE'S DONE.
MONICA: That's it?
MICHAEL: Yeah, here's the mail button. When you click on it, the mail program opens. Here's how to read mail and how to send it. (TO RACHEL) My name is Michael.
RACHEL: Thanks Michael. You work here?
MICHAEL: I'm the owner. I'll be back.
HE WALKS OVER TO ANOTHER CUSTOMER WHO NEEDS HELP.
MONICA: Okay, I think I'm ready. What should I say?
RACHEL: How about " Hi? " It's simple, direct and doesn't give anything away.
MONICA TYPES AND THEN STOPS.
RACHEL: You have to hit the send button.
MONICA DOES AND THE MESSAGE DISAPPEARS.
MONICA: Let's go.
RACHEL: Oh, look. You can get electronic money. I have to get me some of that!
INT., MONICA AND RACHEL'S APARTMENT - MORNING
CHANDLER AND ROSS ARE EATING BREAKFAST AT THE TABLE. PHOEBE IS READING A BOOK ON THE COUCH. RACHEL IS IN THE KITCHEN MAKING TOAST.
ROSS: (TO CHANDLER) We're gonna go to that cyber cafe later. Wanna go?
RACHEL MOTIONS NO TO ROSS. ROSS LOOKS CONFUSED.
CHANDLER: (SARCASTICALLY) As fun as that sounds, I can't. I'm going in to work. I have a project I need to finish up.
MONICA ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM. JOEY ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY.
JOEY: Today's the day. The first day of the rest of my life.
PHOEBE, CHANDLER AND ROSS EXCHANGE WORRIED LOOKS.
RACHEL: That sounds pretty important.
JOEY: Today's the day I meet Darcy.
RACHEL: Oh, so where are you going to meet her? Somewhere romantic like the top of the Empire State Building?
JOEY LOOKS DISAPPOINTED.
CHANDLER: What was that movie?
MONICA: (TO CHANDLER) An Affair to Remember.
CHANDLER: No, no. (SUDDENLY REMEMBERING) Sleepless in Seattle.
RACHEL: So are you doing something like that?
JOEY: No, that doesn't seem too original.
ROSS: Instead he's meeting her downstairs at Central Perk.
JOEY: How'd you know?
ROSS: Lucky guess?
JOEY: I'm kinda nervous. I hope you guys will be there.
PHOEBE: I don't think so.
CHANDLER: Isn't this kind of a personal moment? You don't want us there.
JOEY: You all have to be there. This is important to me. 7 pm, okay?
ALL: Sure Joey. Okay.
END OF ACT ONE
INT., THE CYBER CAFE - DAY
RACHEL AND MONICA ARE SEATED AT THE WORKSTATIONS. ROSS SITS IN THE NEXT ROW. THERE ARE SEVERAL OTHER PATRONS THERE.
ROSS: This was a good idea. Thanks for asking me to come.
RACHEL: Ross, I think they have games you can play.
ROSS: Neato. I can play with the others here. It's networked. Hey, what are you guys playing? (TO THE OTHER PATRONS)
NO ONE ANSWERS HIM. ROSS TURNS BACK TO HIS SCREEN.
MONICA: (TO RACHEL) I'm afraid to look. You look.
RACHEL: I'm not going to look.
ROSS: What are you two doing?
MONICA AND RACHEL: Nothing.
ROSS: Oh, cool. I can make my own army.
RACHEL RESTS HER HAND ON MONICA'S SHOULDER. MONICA LOOKS INTENTLY AT THE SCREEN AND THEN SQUEEZES HER EYES SHUT AND CLICKS THE MOUSE.
RACHEL: Oh, there's a message.
MONICA OPENS ONE EYE AND THEN THE OTHER.
RACHEL: Open it.
MONICA: I don't want to.
RACHEL: You have to open it.
MONICA: Nope. Everything's just hunky dorey. I'm leaving. See you later.
SHE STARTS TO GET UP OUT OF HER CHAIR. RACHEL EASES HER BACK DOWN.
RACHEL: Everything is not hunky dorey. You two have hardly spoken since you found that piece of paper.
MONICA: Well, he hasn't noticed. Too busy, too tired or working late. (MONICA SIGHS) Let's just go.
RACHEL: You have to know one way or the other.
ROSS STARTS LAUGHING.
ROSS: We're going to save the princess of Dehryi. She's being held captive by the evil armies of Shandara.
A COUPLE OF THE PATRONS LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SNICKER QUIETLY. ROSS DOESN'T NOTICE.
MONICA: All right. (SHE CLICKS THE MOUSE AND OPENS THE MESSAGE.) It says " Hi. " It says " Hi! " That's it?
RACHEL: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.
MONICA: I'll show him "Hi." (TYPING) Dearest Chandler, Do you think I'm sexy? Sofia.
MONICA CLICKS THE SEND BUTTON AND THE MESSAGE DISAPPEARS.
ROSS: We've loaded up on weapons and armor. Now we need food and then we can join the other armies. (TO THE OTHER PATRONS) We're coming. Wait for us.
MONICA: Rachel, what have I done? What if he wasn't really interested in Sofia? Now he might think twice.
ROSS: Hey Mon, Rach, look at this. I have 500 men picking and eating berries. Isn't this hilarious? Look at them go!
MONICA: Michael, Michael, come here!
MICHAEL RUNS OVER QUICKLY BUT THEN TRIES TO LOOK SUAVE.
ROSS: Wait, what's the matter? What's the matter? Stop it! Stop it! Why are they dying?
PATRON: Dork, everybody knows the zingle berries are poisonous.
MONICA: Michael, I just sent a message and I want it back. I want to get rid of it.
MICHAEL: No problem if it's still in the outbox.
MONICA: Is it in the outbox?
MICHAEL: Oh, um, nope. It's in the sent items.
MONICA: Can we unsend it?
MICHAEL: I'm sorry, we can't.
MONICA: But I want it back! I want it back!
MICHAEL STARTS TO BACK AWAY WITH FEAR IN HIS EYES.
MICHAEL: It's gone. It's probably already been delivered.
MONICA: Well, stop that virtual postman.
SHE LOOKS AT ROSS WHO'S STANDING BY CONCERNED.
MONICA (CONT'D): You got a freakin' army, you stop him!
ROSS: My army is dead. I poisoned them.
RACHEL: (TO MICHAEL) They're brother and sister. I hardly know them.
INT., CHANDLER'S OFFICE - DAY
CHANDLER WALKS INTO HIS OFFICE AND OVER TO THE DESK. HE STANDS IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER, TURNS ON THE MONITOR AND LOGS IN. STILL STANDING, BUT BENT OVER SO HE CAN SEE THE MONITOR, CHANDLER OPENS HIS E-MAIL PROGRAM. HE READS THE E-MAIL SENT BY "SOFIA". OBVIOUSLY SHOCKED BY ITS CONTENTS, CHANDLER GOES TO SIT DOWN ON HIS CHAIR. HE CATCHES ONLY THE END OF IT AND IT ROLLS AWAY, LEAVING CHANDLER TO HIT THE FLOOR. HE GETS UP AND PULLS THE CHAIR OVER AND SITS DOWN. HE STARES AT THE SCREEN. HE CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF.
CHANDLER: Okay, I'm game. I'll play.
CHANDLER STARTS TYPING.
INT., CENTRAL PERK. NIGHT
THE GANG IS THERE, EXCEPT JOEY, SEATED IN THEIR USUAL PLACES. JOEY ENTERS.
JOEY: Is she here yet?
RACHEL: How would we know Joey?
PHOEBE: Yeah, how would we?
JOEY: Okay, I was just asking.
JOEY SITS DOWN NEXT TO ROSS. AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN JENNIFER - ENTERS THE COFFEE SHOP. BEHIND JOEY'S BACK, ROSS POINTS TO JOEY AS THE WOMAN LOOKS OVER AT THE GROUP. SHE LOOKS CONFUSED FOR A MOMENT AND THEN WALKS UP WITH A BIG SMILE.
JENNIFER: Joey! I didn't know you were going to be here.
JOEY: Jennifer! Hi!
ROSS, CHANDLER AND PHOEBE LOOK PANICKED.
CHANDLER: I didn't think it was true, but you have dated nearly all the women in New York.
ROSS JUMPS UP AND TAKES JENNIFER'S HAND.
ROSS: Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer. I'm glad you're here.
JENNIFER: You didn't tell me Joey Tribiani was your friend. We did a couple of print ads together.
ROSS: Yes, Joey's my friend. Thanks for meeting me here. Sorry, we gotta run.
PHOEBE: Oh, where are you going? Can I come?
CHANDLER AND ROSS GIVE PHOEBE A LOOK.
ROSS: No, I'm sorry. Jennifer and I have a very special evening planned.
ROSS GUIDES A VERY CONFUSED JENNIFER OUT.
RACHEL: That's weird. I didn't know Ross was dating anyone.
MONICA: I know. He didn't even introduce us.
JOEY: Maybe he was embarrassed.
MONICA: Why would he be embarrassed? She was cute.
JOEY: When she's not modeling she's a model, if you catch my drift.
JOEY: Y'know, hired companion, escort.
RACHEL: She's an escort? Ross hired an escort? I can't believe it.
PHOEBE: Actually, Chandler hired her.
MONICA AND RACHEL GASP.
CHANDLER: (TO PHOEBE) Wha... Why did you do that?
JOEY: You got some explaining to do.
CHANDLER: He's been really depressed about his second failed marriage and I wanted to cheer him up?
RACHEL: With a hooker?
CHANDLER: No, an escort. And, and, at least she's supposed to be prompt, friendly and courteous. (TO MONICA) I'm in big trouble, aren't I?
MONICA: You're just noticing?
CHANDLER LOOKS PUZZLED.
JOEY: So, do you guys think I've been stood up?
RACHEL: It's barely past 7pm. Let's wait a little longer.
MONICA: Maybe something happened and she tried to call. Does she have your home phone number? (LOOKING AT CHANDLER) Did you right it on a little slip of paper for her?
JOEY: No, just my work number.
CHANDLER: Hey, you know, I'm going to check the answering machine upstairs, because, because, we have a listed number. C'mon Phoebe. (PHOEBE LOOKS CONFUSED.) C'mon Phoebe. Maybe Darcy left a message upstairs.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh. Yeah, that could have happened.
JOEY: No, I don't think so. But I think I may have given her my cell phone number.
CHANDLER AND PHOEBE RACE OUT THE DOOR.
INT., CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
CHANDLER AND PHOEBE RACE INTO THE APARTMENT. ROSS IS ALREADY WAITING THERE FOR THEM.
PHOEBE: This isn't working.
CHANDLER: You have to call him and tell him you couldn't come.
ROSS: Yeah, otherwise he's going to be sitting there all night.
PHOEBE: What do I tell him?
CHANDLER: Tell him you can't go outside. You have a phobia.
PHOEBE CALLS JOEY. SHE PUTS IT ON SPEAKERPHONE.
JOEY (O.S.): Hello.
PHOEBE: Joey, I'm sorry I can't make it.
JOEY (O.S.): Are you okay?
PHOEBE: Yeah, I'm okay. I have um, um, Angoraphobia.
CHANDLER AND ROSS EXCHANGE A LOOK.
JOEY (O.S.): Angoraphobia? Phobia means fear, right?
JOEY (O.S.): So do you have a fear of cats or the sweater?
PHOEBE PANICS AND HANGS UP.
ROSS: Cats? Cats? Who's afraid of cats?
CHANDLER: Well, if you're talking
about the Broadway musical, me.
INT., CENTRAL PERK MOMENTS LATER
JOEY HANGS UP THE PHONE. HE STARTS TO LAUGH AND SEES RACHEL AND MONICA STARING AT HIM. THEN HE PRETENDS TO REALLY BE CRYING. BUT THEN HE STARTS LAUGHING AGAIN.
MONICA: Okay, what's going on?
INT., CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT MOMENTS LATER
ROSS, PHOEBE AND CHANDER ARE STILL THERE. JOEY ENTERS.
JOEY: (TO ROSS) Hey, what are you doing here? Didn't you have a special date with Jennifer?
ROSS: It didn't work out.
JOEY SITS DOWN IN ONE OF THE RECLINERS.
PHOEBE: Joey, I have to tell you something.
PHOEBE: I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. (BEAT) I'm Darcy.
JOEY: Yeah, I know.
ROSS AND CHANDLER: You know?
JOEY: About Darcy? Yeah. Whadd'ya think, I'm stupid? Like someone would actually be afraid of those cuddly cute kittens.
CHANDLER: How'd you know?
JOEY: The phones at work show the phone number of the person calling.
PHOEBE: You're mean. You're the meanest meanie there ever was. I was actually afraid I was going to hurt your feelings.
PHOEBE STORMS OUT.
JOEY: How did I get to be the bad guy? I didn't make up Darcy. I just played along.
CHANDLER: Yeah, it's not like you made up Darcy. (BEAT) Uh oh.
CHANDLER SUDDENLY LOOKS UNEASY.
JOEY: What's with you?
CHANDLER: Oh no.
ROSS: What is it?
CHANDLER: I have a sudden feeling of deja vu. What time is it?
CHANDLER RACES OUT OF THE APARTMENT.
INT., THE CYBER CAFE - NIGHT
MONICA AND RACHEL ARE SITTING AT A WORKSTATION.
MONICA: Sofia has a message.
RACHEL: You don't have to open it. We can just delete it.
MONICA: No, you were right before. I have to know one way or the other. If it's bad, well, at least I know.
MONICA CLICKS THE MOUSE AND OPENS THE MESSAGE.
RACHEL: What does it say?
MONICA: Sofia, You know I've always thought you were sexy. Meet me tonight on the deck of the Empire State Building at 9pm. Love, Chandler.
RACHEL: Oh my God! How could he do this? (BEAT) Oh honey, are you okay?
MONICA: No, but I'm going to do what I should have done from the start.
RACHEL: Talk to him?
MONICA: No. No Geller woman takes this. I'm going to go kick some ass.
RACHEL AND MONICA PASS MICHAEL AND SOME OTHER PATRONS ON THE WAY OUT. THE MEN SHRINK IN FEAR.
INT., THE HALLWAY OF PHOEBE'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
JOEY IS STANDING AT PHOEBE'S DOOR. HE KNOCKS. THE DOOR OPENS PHOEBE IS STANDING THERE.
JOEY: Phoebe, I'm really sorry. When I figured out that Darcy was you, I thought you guys were playing a joke on me. I wanted to be the one who had the last laugh except I'm not laughing. See?
JOEY MAKES A SAD FACE. PHOEBE STRUGGLES NOT TO SMILE.
JOEY (CONT'D): Ross told me everything. You mean more to me than Darcy ever did. Will you forgive me?
PHOEBE TURNS AROUND TO THE INSIDE OF THE APARTMENT.
PHOEBE: Phoebe, it's for you. It's Joey.
JOEY: Ursula, is that you?
PHOEBE: Ha, now who's having the last laugh? (BEAT) Okay, yeah, I forgive you if you forgive me.
EXT., DECK OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING - NIGHT
CHANDLER IS STANDING LOOKING AT THE SKYLINE. MONICA ENTERS. SHE LOOKS FURIOUS.
MONICA: How ... How could you?
CHANDLER: I think I made some sort of mistake.
MONICA: Ya think?
CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm not sure what it is.
MONICA: Well, where is she?
MONICA: Where's Sofia?
CHANDLER: Uh, right there. (POINTING TO MONICA)
MONICA: Ha, ha. Not funny!
CHANDLER: I thought you wanted to be Sofia to y'know, kind of spice things up. That's why I asked you to meet me here.
CHANDLER: The e-mails, those were from you, right?
MONICA: Yeah. But who's Sofia?
CHANDLER: I thought you were.
MONICA: Would you stop already? I found that piece of paper with Sofia's phone number in your pants pocket. I sent the e-mails because I wanted to know what Sofia meant to you. What does she mean to you?
CHANDLER: Sofia's phone number? (BEAT) Oh-my-God!
CHANDLER STARTS LAUGHING.
MONICA: This is really not a good time to laugh.
CHANDLER: It said sofa, not Sofia. The paper said sofa. I was thinking about buying a sofa that was posted on the bulletin board at work.
MONICA LOOKS EMBARRASSED.
MONICA: Ohhh. Oh, I am so sorry. (BEAT) I'll make it up to you. Please let me make it up to you.
CHANDLER: `Kay. (BEAT) So, Sofia, did you come here with a date or would you like to join me?
MONICA STILL EMBARRASSED BUT LAUGHING TAKES HIS HAND.
INT., THE CYBER CAFE - DAY
ROSS IS AT A WORKSTATION. THERE ARE SEVERAL OTHER PATRONS AT WORKSTATIONS AS WELL. ROSS IS WORKING A JOYSTICK FURIOUSLY. THE PATRONS ARE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LAUGHING SILENTLY.
ROSS: Aw, c'mon guys! Would you cut it
out? We're supposed to be a team. We're supposed to be united for one cause. We have to
save the princess.