Note: This episode is in a weird way an alternate version of the 504 episode. In a
weird way because, although it takes place after Phoebe had given birth in The One
Hundredth, you must admit the fact that, on the contrary of what happens in the real
show, everybody in the group of the six friends knows about the affair between Monica and
Chandler (as it's revealed in my precedent fanfic, The One Where Phoebe Smokes Pot).
In brief, all you have to know is that Phoebe is not pregnant anymore and that our friends
have found out about what happened between Monica and Chandler... Got it? All right.
Let's begin.
[Intro scene : Rachel and Monica's. Joey is in the kitchen, alone, cooking. Phoebe
enters.]
Phoebe (seeing Joey)
- Hi, you. What are you doing?
Joey
- Breakfast...
Phoebe (seeing that he's cooking a steak)
- You're eating meat for breakfast, now?
Joey
- I've got to fill my lack of it since you're not pregnant anymore.
Phoebe (in a sigh)
- I miss meat
Joey (surprised)
- Phoebe! You can't miss meat. Not you...
Phoebe (sad expression)
- I know, I know... I'm a bad person... Bad Phoebe, bad Phoebe, bad Phoebe!!!
Joey
- Wanna taste?
Phoebe (smiling)
- Sure...
Joey put the meal in a plate on the table. Phoebe sits, cuts a piece of it and bring it to
her mouth.
Phoebe
- Do I dare?
Joey
- Go for it!!!
Phoebe (putting the piece of meat in her mouth)
- Mmmmmh... Oh, my God, nothing is better than this!
Joey
- What about sex?
Phoebe (her face enlightened)
- Or.... meat after sex!
Phoebe takes another piece of meat as Rachel enters suddenly, seeming pretty annoyed.
Phoebe tries to hide what she's done by hiding her mouth with the hand, and just takes an
innocent expression, stopping chewing.
Rachel
- I HATE MY LIFE!
Joey
- What's with you?
Rachel
- I just kicked a woman's ass!
Joey (who likes the idea)
- Uuuuuuh! Bitchy!
Rachel
- That's not the bad news! Bad news is that she's a lawyer and she wants to sue me for
that.
Joey
- Oh, well, you know that's great, cause she'll be able to take your defense!
Rachel stares at Joey, wondering how dumb he really can be.
Rachel
- She was just behind me in the file at Zabar's, and just like that she tries to take my
place, pretending that she's in a hurry, and that she... she only have one item to buy
and... and...
Suddenly Phoebe noisily swallows what she had in mouth. Rachel looks at her.
Phoebe (after a moment)
- You're welcome!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene : Rachel and Monica's. All six are there, watching TV. Chandler and Monica
are sitted together, holding each other. Ross's watching Phoebe.]
Ross (staring at Phoebe's belly)
- It looks weird
Phoebe
- What?
Ross
- You, having a flat tummy.
Phoebe
- Yeah, I know. (and adds, a little sad) The little men have left the room. (and
changing of subject) Oh! By the way, I wanted to make a little "collection"
for Frank and Alice, you know... They're in need of money now.
Monica
- Oh, sure!
Chandler
- Yeah, we totally understand.
Ross (checking his pockets)
- Here's 50 bucks.
All six are giving some money to Phoebe.
Joey
- I have 30 dollars on me, is that enough?
Phoebe
- Sure, sure! It's not a matter of how much you give, it's a nice gesture. I'm sure
they'll be very happy...
The phone rings. Monica takes it down.
Monica
- Geller and Green?... Yeah, she's there. Hang on, please (to Rachel) For you!
Rachel (who takes the phone)
- Hello?... (suddenly annoyed) Ooh, it's you. (she silently says
"lawyer" to the five others) What? Why?... Well, I guess so... Tonight? Oh,
no-no-no-no-no-no-no, I don't think so... (she looks offended) You wouldn't
dare?... (a moment) Ok, see you tonight. (she hangs up) What a whore!
Chandler
- That was her? The 'kick-my-ass' woman?
Rachel
- She said she wanted to meet me tonight to chat a little. Chat! She wants the skin from
my ass, it's obvious!
Joey
- Man, I wanna know her!
Rachel
- Ok, you shut up!
Joey takes a "I-can't-say-anything" face.
Rachel
- She said that she would take me to a court and make me spit my whole wealth!
Chandler
- Oh, yeah, Rach... And your wealth is up to what? 200 dollars?
Rachel (to Joey and Chandler)
- Ok, you two, GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT!!!
Joey starts to leave but Monica prevent Chandler from doing the same thing.
Monica (to Rachel)
- This is my apartment too, and I say : Chandler stays!
Chandler (to Monica)
- You... I love you (and he kisses her)
Rachel (who doesn't quit)
- If Chandler leaves, I tell you what happened to your sheets.
Monica (who doesn't take it seriously)
- And what could have happened to my sheets?
Rachel
- I don't know... Something related to spilt polish!
Monica
- WHAT?!? (to Chandler) GET OUT!
Chandler
- What?
Joey (who's still in the previous conversation)
- I think I've known a 'kick-my-ass' girl once...
Monica and Rachel (to both of them)
- GET OUT!!!
And so they do.
[Scene : The hallway between the apartments. Joey and Chandler exit the girls's
apartment.]
Joey (closing the door)
- Hey, Chandler, hum...
Chandler
- Yeap?
Joey
- Well, see, the thirty bucks I gave to Phoebe was all I had for the week and...
Chandler
- Ok, gotcha!
Joey
- Thanks man!
[Scene : Rachel and Monica's. Rachel is here, alone, sitted in the couch. She seems
nervous. Someone knocks at the door.]
Rachel (standing up)
- I'm coming!
Rachel reaches the door and opens it. There stands Ally McBeal (played by Calista
Flockhart).
Ally McBeal (sincerely polite)
- Hi, Mrs.Green...
Rachel (still nervous)
- Hi! Come in, please. (Ally enters) Have a seat.
Rachel closes the door and Ally sits at the kitchen table.
Rachel (joining her at the table)
- So... What the purpose of your visit? (a little mean) Still wanna sue me?
Ally
- In fact... I wanna apologize.
Rachel (who hasn't heard what she said and who just bursts of anger)
- YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THIS!!! (and she realises) What? What did you say?
Ally
- I said I wanted to apologize.
Rachel
- Well... I guess you have the right to do this...
Ally
- I know this whole thing is ridiculous. Let's forget what happened at Zabar's.
Rachel
- That's fine... I think...
Ally
- I'm a little nervous. I'm not living in New-York, in fact. This is a trip I made to
relax a bit and, you know, think of something esle than my job...
Rachel
- Well, you know, New-York is not the perfect city to relax a bit...
Ally
- Yeah, I've been told that... People use to think I'm a little odd sometimes... (and
laughing) You know what? I'm even in love with a married ex-boyfriend!!!
Rachel (smiling)
- Really?
Ally
- Yeah, yeah...
Rachel
- You know what?... Me too!
Ally
- You're kidding me.
Rachel
- No, no! That's right, I still love my ex-boyfriend and he's married now... although he
hasn't seen his wife since the wedding but...
Ally (starting laughing)
- Really?? How dumb can he be? (she stops laughing when she realises Rachel doesn't)
I can be rude sometimes...
[Scene : Central Perk. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are here.]
Rachel
- ...and when she said that, I gave her a punch in the face...
Monica and Phoebe
- WHAT?
Rachel
- But that's fine, you know, cause she gave another one to me and...
Monica
- And?
Rachel
- Well, you know, we're friends now!
Monica
- Friends?
Rachel
- Yeah, friends. I apologized and we realised how stupid we were and... we're friends.
Well, at least for the time she stays in New-York. She'll give me some advices for my
sentimental life. She seems to know a lot of it if you know what I mean... (laughing)
What a bitch...
Phoebe
- Well, at least, you're in love with someone!
Monica
- Why do you say that?
Phoebe
- I don't know... I'm thinking that I should get back in the game since I'm not pregnant
anymore. You know, just (singing) get down on it!
Rachel
- Well if you want, there's this cute cute man at Bloomingdales, and I could talk to him
about you...
Phoebe
- Yeah, I don't know... Maybe I want more than that.
Rachel
- Oh, honey, you're only saying that because you don't have the babies anymore and that
you need to find a new job. You feel alone, that's all.
Monica (mean, to Rachel)
- Thanks, Rach, that might help!
Phoebe
- I need a kind, gentle, honnest guy... and cute too... (thinking a bit) I need a
Joey!
Rachel laughs softly hearing what she said. Monica seems hooked by the idea.
Monica
- Why not?
Phoebe
- What?
Monica
- Why not? Why don't you date Joey?
Phoebe
- No, that was a joke...
Monica
- Why should it be a joke? Is there anything that prevent you from doing it? He's exactly
what you need. A kind, cute, nice person. You know, the money he gave to you for Frank and
Alice's collection was all he had for the week.
Phoebe
- How do you know that?
Monica
- My boyfriend tells me things. Believe me, I know a lot too much that I really wanna
know.
Rachel
- And plus, you have already kissed him.
Monica
- Twice!
Phoebe
- That doesn't mean anything. I almost made it with Ross once and there's nothing between
us! (see The One With the Flashback)
Rachel (astonished)
- What? Whawhawhawhat?
Phoebe (realising her mistake)
- Ok, be sure to remind me that we must talk about that later!!!
Rachel (a little angry)
- No, no. We can talk about that now...
Joey enters Central Perk. Monica notices him and turns to Phoebe.
Monica
- Ok, here he comes. It's in your hands now... (she starts to leave, telling Rachel)
Com'on, Rach...
Rachel
- No, no, we have to chat a little about a certain affair...
Monica
- Come here, Rachel.
Joey (arriving)
- Hi, guys...
Monica (taking Rachel by the arm)
- We're just leaving...
Joey
- Oh, ok. There's still Phoebe.
Monica
- You're right! Bye-bye...
Joey sits in the couch besides Phoebe.
Joey
- What's up?
Phoebe
- Someone told me what you did for Frank and Alice. That's very nice.
Joey
- What?
Phoebe
- You, giving all your money.
Joey
- Oh, that's fine. I'm an actor, you know. I'm used to have nothing in my pocket!
Phoebe
- Why did you do that?
Joey
- Well, I don't know... (sincerely adds) If it makes you happy, it makes me happy
too!
Phoebe (smiling)
- Mmh... Monica was right.
Joey
- About what?
Phoebe says nothing.
Joey
- Are you okay, Phoebs?
Phoebe suddenly bend over Joey and kisses him.
Joey (standing back, surprised)
- Hey, hey, hey.... What are you doing?
Phoebe
- Oh, excuse me. I thought you would be okay with that...
Joey
- Well, maybe I'm not... I'm sorry, Phoebe.
A moment
Phoebe
- I don't know what to say...
Joey
- Me neither. I think I might as well get home... (and he leaves Central Perk)
Phoebe (blaming herself)
- That was the hell of a move!!!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene : Chandler and Joey's. Joey is entering. Chandler is already there, working
on his computer.]
Chandler
- Hi, pal!
Joey
- Phoebe made her move on me...
Chandler
- Phoebe what...?
Joey
- She tried to kiss me. At Central Perk. Just a minute ago.
Chandler
- Wow, that's... that's... that's... Ok, and what happened?
Joey
- Well, you know. I said no. I said no.
Chandler
- She wasn't hurt about that?
Joey
- I don't know. You think she was?
Chandler
- Why don't you want to date her? I mean, it's true I never thought of it before but...
you could make a nice couple.
Joey
- I don't know why I don't want. Maybe, it kinda reminds me of Ursula.
Chandler
- Oh, I see...
Joey
- And plus, you know, it woudn't work between us. I mean, she's a friend! A woman that I
respect, that I care about.
Chandler
- Joey, you can date a woman that you respect, right? Usually it kinda helps for normal
people!
Joey
- I don't know.
Chandler
- And plus, trust me : you can go out with a friend. Just look at me and Monica. Or Ross
and Rachel.
Joey (going to the TV)
- I need a bit of Baywatch to make it clear in my head.
[Scene : Central Perk. Rachel and Ally McBeal are there. They're discussing.]
Rachel
- ...and that's at this moment that he said "Rachel"
Ally
- What?
Rachel
- He said : "I take thee, Rachel..." Me!
Ally
- Nooo!
Rachel
- Yeah! Doesn't it means that he still loves me?
Ally
- I don't know. You can't be sure. Did you tell him about your feelings?
Rachel
- Yes.
Ally
- And?...
Rachel
- And what? Nothing happened.
Ally
- Ok, if nothing happened, I think that you should forget about him.
Rachel
- I'll never forget him! (tired of talking about that) Oh, I don't even know why
I'm listening to you : you're a psychotic woman who has currently hallucinations of
dancing babies and... (realising what she said) Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it...
Ally (who seems pretty offended)
- It troubles me... (she puts her thumb and her fore-finger on the top of her nose)
I'd like to take a moment...
[Scene : Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is sitted at the kitchen table, eating saddly a
crude carrot. Joey enters.]
Phoebe (seeing him)
- Oh... Hi...
Joey
- Hi...
Phoebe
- Monica and Rachel are not here.
Joey
- It's you I wanted to see.
Phoebe
- Yeah?
Joey
- Yeah. I thought it would be nice to talk about what happened... you know, at Central
Perk...
Phoebe
- Well, you said no, there's not much we can discuss about...
Joey
- Let me finish, all right? I know what I said must have been a really big disappointment
for you and... well I wanted to tell you that... Well, mmh... You reminded me of Ursula.
Phoebe
- Oh.
Joey
- Yes. And I don't wanna go through what I had with Ursula once again.
Phoebe
- Mmh... I think I can understand.
Joey
- But... (he takes Phoebe's hands in his owns) I talked about it with Chandler...
Phoebe
- You said all that to Chandler?!?
Joey
- I guess that was the thing I wasn't supposed to say... Hum... Anyway, Chandler told me
to think twice about it. And that's what I did. And I tried to see us from a different
point of view.
Phoebe
- Really?
Joey
- And I'd like to kiss you.
Phoebe (a luminous smile on her face)
- Well, go on baby!
They have a strong and passionate kiss. The audience cheers.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene : Monica and Rachel's. All six are there. Monica and Chandler are sitted
together, holding each other. Phoebe and Joey are there too, and they're sitted just like
Chandler and Monica. Ross and Rachel are sitted separately.]
Chandler
- It's so weird. We finally end up all together.
Monica
- Do you think we're some kind of perverse people?
Ross
- Well, I think that people who stay always together tend to... well, get together.
Rachel
- Do you speak as a scientist, doctor Ross?
Ross gives a mean glance at Rachel.
Phoebe
- Oh! Oh! Doctor Ross!!!
Monica
- And?
Phoebe
- Don't you people watch ER???
END
Finished the 31/01/99
Any criticisms, good or bad, are welcome. You think it's the best or the worst fanfic you've ever read? Just e-mail me and let me know. I'll put up your reviews...
The Friends Fanatic
28/03/99
Suzy's Review
Hey. Your script The One Where Joey and Phoebe Find Out is really funny. I liked it a lot. I've tried to write scripts myself but they didnt come out too good. I'm better at writing short stories. Thanx!!!
Thanks a lot...
07/02/99
Angie's Review
Hi Harroway!
Cool script, very funny, I am impressed! Speak soon.
Angie
Mitsky's Review
12/02/99
Mitsky's Review
The One With Ally McBeal : Great fanfic.
It was a great idea to merge two of the best shows around, but I do not think it was so
great that all the couples end up together...
But thats just my opinion.
Later.
Mitsky.
The One Where Phoebe and Joey Find Out
13/02/99
Maria Alejandra Gerosa's Review
Hey, I loved the Phoebe and Joey thing. I think they're sooo cute together. Please tell me
if you ever see a Phoebe and Joey webpage.
Well, that's a call for everyone. If anyone ever sees a Phoebe and Joey webpage, e-mail Maria (and me after!)
To send your reviews, click here.