The One When Phoebe Murders Joey
Written by: Chandler
Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and
NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no
infringement and make no profit.
(Scene: Central Perk. All are present as Phoebe enters with a massive smile on her face.)
Phoebe: Joey, I just saw my friend Jean. Shes directing a new play at the local
theatre, shes seen you in
plays before and she thinks youd be perfect in it.
Joey: Thats great, Pheebs!
Ross: Whats the play?
Phoebe: Its a thriller, and, more good news, you know Helen Hunt right?
Phoebe: Shes in it!
Rachel: Question, how is Joey gonna be in a play with Helen Hunt, I mean, shes a good actor!
Joey: Oh, thanks Rach!
Rachel: I mean shes recognised.
Joey: Like Monicas hair is always recognised!
(All except Monica and Chandler laugh.)
Monica: Its growing back!
Ross: As fast as a dead plant!
Joey: Whens the audition?
Phoebe: Tomorrow morning at 10. Im gonna come with you.
(Scene: Chandler and Monicas apartment. Joey, Phoebe and Monica are there.)
Monica: Right, had you better be going guys.
Phoebe: One thing you ought to know!
Monica and Joey: Whats that?
Phoebe: Jean thinks youre my girlfriend.
Joey: Oh. Could we pretend that we like break up after a row when we are there? That
would show Im
a good actor!
Phoebe: Ooh! Yeah!
Joey and Phoebe: Bye, Mon.
(They exit to hallway. Cut to hallway. They walk to the stairs.)
(Cut to audition. Joey is up.)
Joey: Oh, Lauren, come on, you know I love you.
Jean: Well done, Joey.
Jean: Well, since youre the only man who auditioned for the part, youve got it!
Joey: Great! Thanks, Jean!
Jean: I have some bad news. Phoebe may have told you Helen Hunt is starring. Well
shes sprained her
ankle, and she cant do it.
Phoebe: Jean, while Im here, could I audition for it?
Jean: Jump up!
(Phoebe jumps onto the stage. Starts to read.)
Phoebe: (really good) Frank, I know you love me, you keep repeating it. But if you do,
wouldnt have gone off with her.
Joey: (Joins in.) Lauren, I was thinking of you all the time.
Phoebe: That is the cheesiest line ever, Frank!
Joey: I am deeply sorry, Lauren!
Phoebe: Frank, get out or I will stab you, I mean it, I need to be alone right now! Clear off!
Joey: This is my house, too, Lauren!
Phoebe: But who works all the hours God sends for you to buy her drinks and keep this
roof over our
Joey: You wouldnt dare stab me!
Phoebe: Wouldnt I?!
(Scene: Rachel and Phoebes apartment. Rachel is there with her boyfriend
Hugh. They are cuddling on
Rachel: This was fun, right?
Hugh: Yeah. It was.
Rachel: How about we see each other tomorrow night aswell?
Hugh: Yeah. Come round at seven?
Rachel: Yeah! (They kiss again.) Do you wanna take this into the bedroom?
Hugh: Ive been dying for you to say that all night.
Rachel: I know you have.
Hugh: Women sense these things, dont they?
Rachel: Go on in!
(Chandler and Joey come in and start to talk to her.)
Rachel: Guys, Ive got a friend in my bedroom.
Rachel: I mean, get out!
Chandler: Well, if hes in there, and were out here, what is the problem?
(Hugh comes out as he is taking his boxers off.)
Hugh: Aagh! God! Rachel! Are you sick?! A foursome?!
Chandler: Were only friends we arent, you know!
Joey: I do like the sound of a foursome.
Rachel: They arent boyfriends. Oh god they can see it all, Hugh!
Joey: Yeaah, pull it up! (Does so)
Chandler: This is a sicko apartment! Im outta here! (Exits)
Rachel: Hugh, they are just really good friends. God! Its fallen back down!
(Hugh pulls it up)
Hugh: But shouldnt they knock?
Rachel: (clicks after five years) Yeah, you never knock!
Joey: But, Monica always let us come straight in!
Rachel: Monica doesnt live here now!
Joey: OK, Im going! (Does so)
Rachel: Hugh, is this gonna get in the way of us? Please dont let it get in the
way of us! You are so nice
and you have got such a great body!
Hugh: No, but would you do me a favour?
Hugh: Change the lock?
(Scene: Ross and Joeys apartment. Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are there.)
Chandler: So, Doug calls me into his office, right?
Chandler: And he tells me the bloke who owns the company, who has no family, has died.
Joey: Whats so great about that?
Chandler: Hes giving small companies to his best workers. And he has given me
Chez Cheese, the
restaurant around the corner! Providing I work for him for two more years. But its mine tomorrow!
Phoebe and Joey: Thats great!
(The phone rings. Joey answers it.)
Joey: Hello, Ross and Joeys apartment? Yeah, hes here. Ill get him now. Chandler, the phone.
Chandler: (takes it) Hello. Yeah, yeah, great! Oh, yeah! OK, bye! (puts it down) Guys,
hes said its
worth around $30 000. But some bloke is so desperate, he wants to buy it for $60 000! And hes said
that I should do what Monica did before. Invest it and wait for my shares to go up!
Phoebe: But you remember what happened to Monica?
Joey: Yeah, she looks so stupid. (Phoebe and Chandler stare at him)
Chandler: You get it now?
Phoebe: Anyway, I gotta go. My dad asked me to go and see him.
Chandler: Oh, right. What did he want?
Phoebe: He said hed tell me when I got there.
(As Phoebe leaves Chandler does to.)
Joey: Oh, stay, its so lonely!
(Chases after them. Cut to hallway. He runs after Chandler and falls over
someones mail as hot girl
Joey: Hot girl!
Hotg: Oh, youre the bloke who couldnt count!
Hotg: You wanna come in for a coffee?
Joey: Yeah!!! But hold on a sec...
(Runs to Chandler.)
Joey: Thats Hot Girl!
Hotg: Ill go on in. Just come in.
Chandler: She is nice!
Joey: Yeah, betta go!
(Runs to her apartment and opens the door and steps into his own.)
Joey: Oh, man!
(Scene: The hallway in front of Monica and Chandlers apartment and tries to open Rachels door. )
Monica: Oh, it must be jammed. Rachel! Rachel! The doors jammed, could you let me in?!
(The door opens revealing Rachel.)
Rachel: Come on in. (Monica does so.)
Monica: So, problem with the door? You still oiling it every week?
Rachel: Uh, no. The door isnt jammed.
Monica: So whats up with it?
Rachel: I changed the lock. Hugh and I got caught in an, well a somewhat, embarrassing
since hes going to be hanging round for a while, we changed the lock.
Monica: Youve got a boyfriend whos hanging round? Rach, are you feeling sick?
Rachel: Well, no. Im 30 now. And Im too old to be playing around so its just proper boyfriends now.
Monica: Whoa! So, what shall I make you for supper?
Rachel: Oh, am I coming round?
Monica: No... Oh! God! I keep thinking I still live here.
Rachel: Well, I dont like cooking so, Im coming round.
Monica: I gotta go. Oh, could I have my spare key?
Rachel: No, because youre not having one. Its only me, Phoebe and Hugh who
have keys, and its
staying that way.
Monica: Well, if thats right, then (takes the spare key to her apartment), goodbye.
(Monica leaves. Rachel chases after her. And into Monicas apartment.)
Rachel: Hey, dont be funny. Im being very grown up here and being very
honest. Its Hughs
apartment now aswell, and Im just respecting my boyfriends privacy! Now, get that straight, Monica!
Monica: Id appreciate it if you respected my boyfriends privacy aswell. (Grabs
Rachels hair and drags
her to the door. Rachel grabs Monicas and they both scream as they both pull.)
Rachel: Get off me!
Monica: Let me go first!
Rachel: OK!!! (does so)
(Monica still pulls so Rachel punches her in the gut. Monica screams in pain. Rachel kicks and thrashes
and Monica pulls.)
Rachel: After three let go!
Monica: One, two, AAGGHH!
Rachel: Three!(They let go)
Rachel: You are pathetic!
Monica: You punched me!
Rachel: Only because you dont have any hair to pull!
(Storms out, tries to open her door, but it doesnt open. She kicks it.)
(Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Chandler, Ross are there as Phoebe enters.)
Phoebe: Hey, guys.
Ross: Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Chandler, you know the guy that bought Chez Cheese?
Chandler: I dont know him but, go on...
Phoebe: Well it was my dad!
Chandler: I did business with your dad!
Ross: Id love to stay and listen but, Ive got to go to an interview.
Ross: You dont wanna know... (exits)
Chandler: Uh, actually I do.
Rachel: (enters) Hey.
Joey: Where is Ross gonna get an interview for?
Rachel: Oh, I cant tell!
Chandler: God, my nose is itching.
Rachel: OK! OK! Hes going for an interview at Chandlers place.
Chandler: Oh my God!
Rachel: Anyway, what are you gonna do with the money. Oh, I better rephrase that. What
doing with it?
Chandler: She doesnt know.
Chandler: Im buying a club in a small town not far.
Ross: Isnt she gonna notice the extra money coming in?
Chandler: No, because the profits go into my bank and buy the time Ive got enough
for a huge
diamond ring, then Im gonna ask her to marry me. Itll probably be about 6 months before I get that
type of money.
Joey: Whoa ah!
Hugh: Hey, babe. (kisses her)
Rachel: Hey, honey.
Hugh: Are you ready?
Rachel: Yeah, where are we going?
Hugh: I thought we could walk over to Pilapessi and get dinner and Ill walk you home?
Rachel: (silently) Why dont we walk home? If you get my drift?
Hugh: Yeah! Lets go.
Rachel: OK. (does so)
Phoebe: So Chandlers going all goo-ey in love is he?
Chandler: Like Rachel Ive realised I have to grow up.
Monica: I thought she would never leave! I was just about to come in and she beat me!
Chandler: Whos that, hon?
Joey: It looks as if youve lost some hair, you look a lot worse.
(Chandler kicks Joey)
Chandler: Why? Are you and Rachel not talking?
Monica: No, we got into a fight. And Ive got a bone to pick with you, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah?! What is it?
Monica: Why do you think that we shouldnt have spare keys?
Phoebe: Because Hugh has a spare key. And one spare key is enough!
Monica: But shouldnt I have the spare key?
Chandler: Hon, were not school kids anymore, we shouldnt fight over this...
But... We should have the
Phoebe: Well... (runs out of the coffee house)
Monica: This means war!
Chandler: Look, Ill have a word with Rachel And Hugh and ask them if they think
its acceptable for us
to have a spare key...
Joey: Well, should me and Ross have a spare key?
Chandler: Yeah, but we live across the corridor, and you live in a different building!
Joey: Yeah, but I wanna spare key!
(Scene: Rachel and Phoebe and Hughs apartment. Rachel, Hugh, Chandler, Monica and
Joey are there.
Monica and Rachel are in the middle of an argument.)
Rachel: You shouldnt be in here! Its my apartment!
Monica: But, Im your best friend!
Rachel: You were until you acted so kiddie! You bog show-off!
Monica: Well Im not, Im too good for my friends now I work for Ralph Lauren and have a boyfriend!
Hugh:(To Chandler and Joey) Can you believe these two? Theyre like kids!
Chandler: I know, but its fun to see them act like kids!
Joey: Glorias not here!
Chandler: Hugh, since you live in a different building do you think we should have a
spare key incase of
an emergency and you cant get here in time?
Hugh: Yeah, Ill make one in the morning and drop it in in the evening.
Joey: But what about me?
Hugh and Chandler: You live in a different building!
Joey: Ohh, man!
Chandler: What an idea! Hugh, you sell property dont you?
Monica: Ohh Rachel! Can I please have a key?!
Rachel: I dont give keys to bald people!
Monica: Oh! Ah! (runs out sobbing)
Rachel: Chases after her.
Hugh: Come down to the office in the morning.
Chandler: I will do.
(Scene: An office, Hugh and Chandler are in it.)
Hugh: So youre buying Club Clusab?
Chandler: Yeah, but is there anyway you could get a deal on it?
Chandler: Im wasting my time arent I?
Hugh: No. Tell the owners youll take it off them in a week.
Hugh: I know these people, the cops are after them and they need to get away fast.
Hugh: Yeah, they sold knock a couple of grand off.
(Cut to a travel agents. Chandler gets off a chair and says thanks to the person who served him. Exits.)
(Scene: Ross and Joeys apartment. All are there as Rachel enters and sits next to Monica.)
Joey: How are you two sitting next to each other?
Monica: We made friends.
Ross: Have you got a key?
Rachel: No. well, we didnt make friends, we agreed not to talk to each other.
Rachel: And Ive just realised I gotta go.
Chandler: I gotta ask you summat, Rach.
Monica: Ill come.
Rachel: No, Im not in the mood for it Chandler!
(Rachel leaves and Mon and Chan follow. Cut to hallway.)
Rachel: Go away!
(Cut to outside Rachels apartment. They are still following Rachel.)
Chandler: Come on, Rach!
(She slams the door on them. Chandler produces a key and enters, Monica follows.)
Rachel and Monica: How did you get in?
Chandler: Hugh gave me a key.
Monica: You didnt tell me!
Rachel: Hugh! You are gonna get it!
Monica: You didnt tell me something like that! You... Ive had it with you
Chandler. You dont tell me
anything. Come back to me when you wake up to reality. (Exits)
Rachel: What did you want?
Chandler: I want to know where Monica would like to go, anywhere in the world.
Rachel: If its gonna make her happy, forget it.
Rachel: Take her to, Greece.
(Cut back to Ross and Joeys apartment.)
Phoebe: So, Ross, are you coming to our performance?
Ross: Yeah, when is it?
Joey: Friday night.
Phoebe: I was just saying you gotta come to our performance !
Joey: Yeah, now shut up Lauren!
Chandler: (bewildered) Are you OK Joey?
Phoebe: Leave Frank alone!
Chandler: So, me and Monica have had a fight.
Chandler: Cos I got a key!
Phoebe: Do me a favour, Chandler?
Phoebe: Im in a good mood so shutup or youll bring me down.
Ross: Yeah, Im in a good mood too.
Chandler: Whys that, Ross?
Ross: You need to call me Mr Geller now because I am your superior!
Chandler: Oh, man!
Phoebe: Bet your in a worse mood now?
Chandler: Yeah, god my life is in a mess! Why do I live?
Joey: Im gonna go do some extra rehearsing.
Phoebe: Get out or Ill stab you, I mean it!
(Scene: The corridor outside Hughs apartment. Rachel is banging the door.)
Rachel: Hugh, get out here! You gave him a key! You traitor! TRAITOR!
Hugh:(opens the door) Whats wrong, Rach?
Rachel: Why did you give him a key without asking me?!
Hugh: Because its now my apartment aswell! Grow up, Rach!
Rachel: We are finished! Hugh, give me your key!
Hugh: If you want me out its gonna take some doing because its now my apartment aswell!
Rachel: I only gave you a key!
Hugh: Which states that I now live there!
Rachel: Your names not on the rent book!
Hugh: Neither is yours!
Rachel: Oh. Oh, youre right, Hugh. I am being childish. Im sorry, hon. I am so sorry!
Hugh: Yeah... But I still pay the rent!
Rachel: Were not friends?
Hugh: Until you grow up, no!
Rachel: Alright, you can live there!
Hugh: Good, cos Im handing over the keys for this place.
(Man comes to the door.)
Rachel: God, three in an apartment!
(Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment. Monica is present as Chandler enters.)
Monica: Is this another, Im sorry?
Chandler: Something like that. (Puts an envelope in her hand.)
Monica: Greece? Yes! Oh, thankyou!
Chandler: you are very welcome. (They kiss)
Monica: (runs to Rachels apartment. Shouts through the locked door.) Thankyou, Rach!
Rachel: (Comes up the stairs behind her and hugs her)
Monica: Only you know about, Greece!
Rachel: I know!
Monica: Im sorry, Rach.
Rachel: Im sorry, Monica.
Hugh:(Joins in on the hug when he appears) Im sorry, too, Rach!
(Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Ross and Rachel are there.)
Rachel: So, what job have you got, then, Ross?
Ross: Well, its type of head processor, but all I do really is supervise Chandler and his work mates.
Joey: So, could you like, control what he does?
Joey: Right, I gotta go. Im going to get my costume on. The play is in three hours.
Ross: Yeah, Ill se you there.
Rachel: Me, too. (Joey exits)
Ross: Want another coffee?
Rachel: Ill have a cappuccino.
Ross: Two, cappuccinos, Gunther!
(Gunther brings them to the table)
Rachel: Ross, could you do me a favour?
Rachel: I need revenge on Chandler. He didnt tell me he had a key.
Ross: Oh, by the way... (Rachel hands him a key)
Rachel: Could you give him some extra work or something that would make him break a
Ross: I thought you were friends with Mon now?
Rachel: I am. And more work has two reasons. I get to take Monica to the cinema to
friendship and revenge on Chandler.
Ross: That could be arranged. That could be fun anyway.
Rachel: Do it twice. Do it thrice.
(Scene: The seats in the theatre. Rachel, Monica, Chandler and Ross take thier seats.)
Rachel: Chandler, do you ever feel guilty about not telling me about that key?
Chandler: No, not really.
Chandler: Im the one that usually laughs for no reason.
Rachel: Mon, do you fancy going to see a movie on Friday?
Monica: Well, Im going on a date with Chandler, Friday.
Rachel: Ross, do it Friday. So, well go to see Arlington Road? Its supposed
to be good. Nancy
Monica: Im going on a date.
Rachel: So Ill call round about seven.
Ross: This is gonna be so fun, Rach!
Rachel: I know! Im so excited!
Monica: Are you two seeing each other again?
Ross and Rachel: No!
Chandler: (whispers to Monica) They are arent they?
Monica: (whispers) Yep.
(The lights start to dim and the tannoy crackles)
Monica: Its starting.
Tannoy: Welcome to the New York Theatre! Tonight you will watch tangled
love story between Frank
and Lauren, which turns out to be a desperate chase from the police, I give you A Race From A Love
(Scene: The stage. Phoebe(Lauren) and Joey(Frank) are on stage. Joey is led still on
the floor. Blood
trickling from him.)
Lauren: Oh God! God! God! Jesus Christ! (Janice type way) Oh my God!
Frank: (faintly) Help!
Laureen: Youre alive!
Frank: Very alive! Now get out! Cos I can reach the phone! (Joey goes for the
phone and dials a
number) Get to 121 Terraces quick! Help me! Ive been stabbed!
Lauren: No you dont!
Frank: Ive got you!
Lauren: (she picks the knife back up and stabs him, but she is so into it, she does it too hard)
Joey: Aagghh! (She drops the knife. He stands up and falls off the front of the stage)