The One With the Rehab


Written by Nicholas Davies


[Scene: Central Perk, the gang minus Joey is there. Ross enters]

Ross: Hello, everyone!

Monica: Well you’re awfully cheerful, considering you just gave your dog to a convict.

Ross: Actually, it turns out that this was a regular, licensed breeder. She totally understood, though; apparently, people have been trying to get their dogs back all day. Anyway, Marcella’s OK. (Phoebe bursts out laughing and walks away)

Chandler: She still thinks the name’s funny, but the rest of us think it’s just stupid.

Ross: Thanks, I feel really encouraged. Anyway, I met someone at the museum today that I want you guys to meet.

Rachel: Oh please Ross, only geeks go to that museum.

Ross: You’ve been there!

Rachel: I was with you!

Ross: Well, there are lots of cool people who have been there. Like.....Umm....(yells to entrance) Adam, ya wanna back me up here?

Adam: (offstage) Sure!(he comes in, and it turns out that it’s Adam as in Adam Sandler!! Needless to say, the gang is stunned.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, the same scene continued from earlier]

Monica: You didn’t tell us you were bringing Adam Sandler!

Ross: Are you sure you all understand the concept of a surprise?

Chandler: (giddy) Adam, I’m one of your biggest fans! Can I have an autograph?

Adam: Sure, got a pen?

Chandler: (checking his pockets) I don’t think so. (sees Gunther writing something) Gunther, can I borrow that pen? (giddy again) Adam Sandler’s gonna give me his autograph!

Gunther: (intrigued) Adam Sandler? (runs in front of Chandler and presents Adam with a pen and napkin). Mr. Sandler? I’m a huge fan; would you mind?

Adam: Sure. (signs the napkin). Here you go.

Chandler: Gunther, can I have that pen now?

Gunther: Sorry, I need it. (walks away)

Adam: You know what? Ross was gonna take me to show me his apartment. You wanna come with?

Chandler: Sure, (thinks for a moment) Y’know , now that I think of it, I actually haven’t been there yet.

Adam: Alright. (to Ross) Is it OK with you?

Monica: Oh, yeah. He spends half his life in our apartment. (Adam looks at her and gives her a "and you would be?" look.) Oh, I’m Monica, Ross’ sister. (gestures to Rachel) This is Rachel, we live together. (pauses) As roommates, not something else. Chandler (Chandler waves) and Joey (looks around for him), who is not here, live across the hall. We all live across the street from Ross’ building. Except Phoebe, who is singing here in...(looks at her watch) five minutes.

Adam: Wow! How long did it take you to memorize all these dossiers?

Rachel: Trust me, it’s not as sad as when we hear all about her past boyfriends lives from birth, updated daily.

Monica: I do not follow my boyfriends’ lives after I break up with them!

Chandler: Or after they break up with you. (Monica glares at him) Which would be such a stupid and inconsiderate thing to do, you raving beauty, you. (they kiss)

Rachel: Please, Monica! You do so keep track of your exes. You do everything except knock on their door and pretend that you’re working for the government census! (pause) Which you actually did with Jerry. (Monica is about to say something but her watch alarm goes off)

Monica: I have to go pick up my dry-cleaning now, but we are so not done with this. (she leaves and Phoebe enters with her guitar)

Phoebe: Hi, everyone. I’m done with my whole fortune-telling thing, so I’m singing again. Now today, I’d like to start off with one of my classics. {Smelly Cat, duh!}

Smelly cat, smelly cat

What are they feeding you?

Smelly cat, smelly cat

It’s not (sees Adam) Adam Sandler??? Oh, I’m sorry. It is Adam Sandler.

 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]

Phoebe: It’s not fair. Nobody tells me anything!

Rachel: Y’know Pheebs, in all fairness, we didn’t know until two minutes before you came in.

Monica: Yeah, and-and Joey doesn’t know!

Joey: What don’t I know? (the phone rings; Joey answers it)

Chandler: (on phone) Lots of stuff. (Joey looks at the phone, very scared, hangs it up, and cowers from it)

Joey: How’d he do that? (There’s muffled laughter. Joey realizes it’s coming from behind him and starts chasing his butt like a dog chasing its tail. He becomes frantic, and Monica stops him, looks in his back pocket, and produces a walkie talkie.)

Monica: What’s this?

Joey: Oh, Ross and I were using it so we could talk without paying the phone bill. (realizes something and goes to the big window. We see Chandler and Ross laughing at Ross’ apartment. Joey makes a menacing face at them. Then Adam pops up into sight mouthing "BOO!". Joey yelps and hides behind the couch. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe start cracking up.)

 

[Scene: Ross’ apartment, the guys are still laughing]

Ross: Oh my God! That was hilarious!

Chandler: H-h-his face!

Adam: Y’know, I may be jumping to conclusions here, but it seems to me that this Joey person is not exactly Nobel Prize material.

Chandler: Let me just say this for Joey: when he heard that "The Full Monty" was nominated for an Oscar, he said, "there’s a category for porn now?". (Ross and Adam crack up again).

 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s; the gang (including Ben, but not Adam) is there]

Ross: Hey Mon, I gotta go out for a couple of hours; would you mind taking care of Ben?

Monica: Not at all. (Ross leaves. to Ben:) We’re gonna have a great time, aren’t we? What do you want to do first?

Ben: Play Gameboy! (he takes one out and starts playing; Monica is disappointed)

Phoebe: Gameboy? Monica, you really shouldn’t let him have one of those; they destroy the minds of impressionable young minds.

Monica: He’s not my kid, Phoebe!

Phoebe: Oh sure, create a monster, then when it destroys a city, you just look the other way.

Chandler: Why are you not a politician?

Monica: Phoebe, I’m just as opposed to this little brain damage machine as you are, but what can I say? Ben likes it.

Ben: You want a turn, Aunt Monica?

Monica: Um, well....why not? (Phoebe gives her a look) What? You gotta know your enemy.

Phoebe: Yuh-huh; yeah right.

Monica: OK, let’s see; Tetris. How do you play this game, Ben?

Ben: You have to get lines.

Monica: Lines, huh? Let me see; how would one go about doing that?

[cut to much later, Monica is mesmerized with the game, everyone else looks tired and bored]

Monica: Come on, come on! One more line and I beat my personal best!

Ben: Can I have a turn?

Monica: Not now, Ben! Wait till I’m done! (Ben starts crying)

Rachel: Oh, you made him cry. Come here, Ben. (he does so) You want me to get the Gameboy from Monica? (he nods) Alright, then. (she walks over to Monica) Hey, Mon? (she grunts) Joey spilt some tomato sauce on the rug, and it’s drying up and getting crusty. (Joey’s eyes widen and he tries to hide from the wrath of Monica.)

Monica: (suddenly very alert) WHAT??? (Rachel grabs the Gameboy from her.) Hey, I was playing that!

Rachel: Yeah, for like, four hours!

Chandler: Monica, face it; you’re a Gameboy-a-holic.

Monica: Give me that! (tries to grab it from Rachel and they start wrestling for it; Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Oh my God, Gameboy fever is contagious! (Rachel stops to talk to Phoebe; Monica grabs the Gameboy)

Monica: Mine!

Rachel: I wasn’t trying to play, Phoebe. I’m just trying to get Monica to let her nephew play his game.

Monica: Y’know what, Rach? You try it and see if you can stop after one round.

Rachel: Okay, I will. (takes the Gameboy). Mon, how the hell do you start this thing? (Monica goes over to help)

[Time lapse: Ross is picking up Ben]

Ross: So, Rachel has locked herself into her room so that she doesn’t have to give my son back his Gameboy?

Chandler: Yup; she’s just a big bully. (Ross walks over to Rachel’s door)

Ross: Rach, we’ve had enough. Come out with the Gameboy up!

Rachel: I’m not playing Gameboy, Ross. I’m putting away laundry.

Ross: No you’re not; Monica won’t let you ‘cause you don’t fold them right.

Monica: Actually, I’ve been letting her cos she tells me when she sleeps with someone, and knowing that she’s had sex in the clothes that I’m touching is just.....uggh!

Rachel: Yeah, see? (we hear a sound effect from the Gameboy) That was my beeper! (more sound effects, only this time it’s someone saying, "You’ve made it to level 7!") Oh, all right! (brings the Gameboy out to Ross.)

Ross: Thank you. (Phoebe walks up to Ross)

Phoebe: Can I see that, Ross?

Ross: Oh, no; you’re just gonna get hooked on it, too.

Phoebe: (laughs) Oh no, I’m against Gameboy. I just want to throw it out the window. (Ross gives a her a look and backs away from her)

Ross: Bye, everyone (leaves)

Phoebe: Well, I think we all learned something tonight.

Monica: Of course.

Rachel: Yeah.

Monia & Rachel: We need one of those.

 

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and Monica is there with Adam]

Joey: Wow, what are you doing in the city, Adam? Filming a movie?

Adam: Oh no, I’m just visiting some friends here.

Joey: What I don’t understand is why Ross didn’t tell us that he knew you. I mean, he’s such a dork! If he told me that he was friends with Adam Sandler, I definitely would have thought he was cooler.

Adam: Actually, I just met him at his museum.

Joey: (to Ross) It’s your museum now? Who would anyone want to own a museum? You are such a dork!

Phoebe: (to Adam) Why didn’t any of the other scientists come up to you?

Adam: Other scientists?

Ross: Oh, um, one of them got so excited he peed his pants, so the others took him into the bathroom to help him clean up.

Chandler: How many geeks does it take to change a pair of pants?

Phoebe: You mean a lightbulb.

 

[Scene: a video game store, Rachel and Monica are there looking for a Gameboy]

Rachel: (to the cashier) Um, hi. Where do you keep the Gameboys?

Cashier: Right over there. (points to a shelf)

Rachel: Thank you. (she and Monica go over to where the cashier showed them)

Monica: OK, is this one good?

Rachel: Oh yeah, much better than the identical one right next to it.

Monica: Funny. OK, so now we need a game for this boy. Any preferences?

Rachel: Well, why don’t we get the one we know how to play. Tetris.

Monica: Who are you, Chandler? (they go back to the cashier with the Gameboy and Tetris.)

Cashier: Alright, that’s $79.50.

Rachel & Monica: WHAT??

Monica: I’m sorry, we are not paying that much for this.

Cashier: I don’t know what to tell you; I can’t change the price.

Rachel: Well then, we’ll take our business elsewhere. (they leave)

Monica: (once they’ve left) You mean Ross?

Rachel: You betcha.

 

[Scene: Ross’ apartment, the gang minus Chandler and Joey is there.]

Ross: (to Rachel and Monica) You want to buy my son’s Gameboy?

Monica: No, no. We just want to borrow it like we borrowed your toaster.

Ross: You still have that!

Monica: Exactly my point! Only this time we’ll pay you.

Ross: And the difference between that and buying would be?

Rachel: Well, it’s just kind of the way you think about it. I mean, it sounds kinda stupid to say, "my sister bought my son’s toy." It doesn’t sound that strange if you think of it as, "my sister borrowed my son’s toy and I’m getting paid for it."

Phoebe: (getting up, fed up with Rachel and Monica) OK, first of all, that does not sound any better. Second of all, it pains me to see you like this. You both need Gameboy Rehab. Oh! That’s a great idea. I’ll help you. Ross, you might want to sign Ben up.

Ross: No thanks, I’ll pass.

Phoebe: You’re sure now? The rehab ship is sailing.... (Ross just stares at her) OK, your loss. (to Rachel and Monica) Now, the first thing you have to do is get rid of your Gameboys.

Monica: We never got any, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Oh my God, you’re in denial!

 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the gang is there with Adam]

Adam: So Monica, how’s your multiple-biography on all your ex-boyfriends?

Monica: Y’know, I had totally forgotten about that conversation. Rachel, I’m telling you, I don’t keep track of my ex-boyfriends!

Rachel: You do so! (walks into Monica’s room and comes back out with a really thick file) What is this?

Monica: Ummm...recipes!

Rachel: (opens the file and reads a sheet of paper) "Pete went on his sixth date with Cheryl. She is such a gold-digger! I wouldn’t be suprised if Pete shows up dead next week!" Alright, what is this a recipe for? Billionaire la murderer?

Monica: Oh all right! But so what if I’m interested in finding out how they’ve been doing!

Rachel: Monica, you need help!

Phoebe: Well don’t look at me! I have my hands full with your Gameboy rehab.

Ross: Phoebe, it seems to me that Rachel and Monica only end up obsessing over the Gameboy once they start playing with it. Monica’s situation with the files seems to be much more desperate, so why don’t you just take care of her and forget about the Gameboy clinic.

Phoebe: Alright, but if I get a job offer from the Betty Ford Center, you do understand that I’ll have to leave all of you to deal with your own problems.

 

Closing Credits

[Scene: a club, Adam Sandler is doing a stand-up act]

Adam: So anyway, I met these people last week, all very good friends. But underneath that cheerful exterior, they’re a bunch of psychopaths! This girl, Phoebe, she’s all over the place. It’s like, one minute she’s saying, "I enjoy donuts," then the next, "why is the world coming to such a tragic end???" Then there’s Monica, the neurotic maniac! (mimicks being all hyper and tense) Oh, and Joey: like other guys, he seems to have a one-track mind, y’know SEX, SEX, SEX, but then I got to know him and I realized, no mind at all!! Then Chandler, sooooooooo gay. [PS- the fact that people think Chandler is gay was first brought up in "TOW Nana Dies Twice." Check it out; it’s pretty funny.]

 

THE END