Fanfic by: Laura Barnett
[Scene: Alguer's Restaurant. Ross, Monica, Judy and Jack are seated at a table. There are two empty chairs.]
Ross: Monica, maybe we should go ahead and order.
Monica: No, no. They'll be here any minute.
Jack: You said that 45 minutes ago.
Judy: You know how that woman has to make an entrance.
Monica: Mom, please.
Judy: Why are we here?
Ross: Ah, here they come now.
(Chandler and his mom walk to the table. Chandler helps her with her chair. She ends up sitting next to Ross while Chandler sits next to Monica.)
Jack: Hello, Nora, Chandler.
Nora: Hello Jack.... Judy. (To Ross) How are you doing sport?
Ross: Fine. Thanks.
Chandler: Sorry we're late.
Nora: Oh yes. Sorry. I had a meeting with my publisher. I'm working on a new book. Oh, Ross, are you back with Rachel?
Ross: Uh no.
Nora: That's too bad, but I'll work it so you get the girl in my next book.
Ross: Excuse me?
Nora: The hero of my next book is a paleontologist, like someone I know.
(Nora winks at him. Ross knocks over his water glass.)
[Scene: Alguer's. Moments later. Everyone but Nora looks stunned. Ross is wiping up water with his napkin. The waiter approaches the table.]
Waiter: May I take your order?
Nora: Not just yet, but can we have a round of kamikazes in the meantime?
(The waiter looks confused but then looks as though he's going to get them.)
Chandler: (To the waiter) She's joking. (Pointing to a wine list.) We'll have this.
Waiter: Very good. (He exits.)
Jack: So Nora, how do I get to become a character in one of your books?
Nora: Well you already are Jack.
(Jack yelps and jumps.)
Jack: (Quietly) Judy, we'll do that later. (When he sees her face.) Oh, you know I only have eyes for you.
(Monica and Ross both look disgusted. Monica is biting her nails.)
Ross: Mrs. Bing, Chandler told me you're going to be on Leno again.
Nora: Yes, I'm promoting my latest book.
Jack: That's great. Isn't that great Judy?
Judy: What's this one called? Raging Hot Flashes?
Chandler: Where is that wine?
Judy: Monica, quit biting your nails. It's a disgusting, filthy habit. You'll never catch a man if you always have you're fingers in your mouth.
Nora: Judy, you make it sound like she's a barracuda.
Judy: No, no, there's only one man-eater in this room.
(In an act of desperation, Chandler takes Monica's left hand and holds it up, showing the ring.)
Chandler: Guess what everyone? Monica and I are getting married.
(An awkward silence.)
Ross: Isn't that great?!
Jack: But Ross, you told us he was gay.
Ross: (To Chandler) That was years ago when we first were rooming together.
Nora: My son gay? Ha! I hardly think so.
Judy: Ha! I bet that's what you thought about your ex-husband.
(Nora stops for a moment and thinks.)
Nora: See Ross, yet another thing we have in common.
Monica: All right everybody, cut the crap. I know you can't tell right now, but I'm really, really happy. Chandler and I are getting married. We just wanted to let you know.
Jack: Aw, my little harmonica is getting married. We're happy for you. We're just surprised.
Jack: In fact, I want to write you a check for the wedding right now.
Monica: Thanks Dad, but that's not necessary.
Jack: Of course it is dear. We paid for one and three quarters of Ross' weddings.
(Jack pulls out his checkbook and starts filling out a check. Judy peers over and makes a noise and shakes her head slightly. Jack looks embarrassed as he voids the check and start making out another. Judy nods at the amount and he rips out the check and gives it to Monica.)
Monica: Thanks Dad.
Chandler: Thank you Mr. Gellar.
(Nora takes out her purse and opens her checkbook.)
Nora: Here, let me help you love birds out too.
(She fills out a check and hands it to Chandler. Chandler read the check and looks shocked.)
Chandler: Mom, I can't take this. (He hands the check back to her.)
Nora: My new book is doing very well.
(She hands the check to Monica.)
Monica: Thanks! (Quietly to Chandler) You know if I weren't marrying you I'd want her to adopt me.
[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is at his desk with his feet up. He is on the phone with someone who we can only assume is Monica.]
Chandler: Hmmm, okay, I like this game. (BEAT) Is it the black lace?
(Doug, Chandler's Boss and an attractive businesswoman, suddenly walk into Chandler's office. Chandler jumps up.)
Chandler: Yeah, well, if it's not done by five you'll have to stay until it's finished. I need that report by tomorrow morning.
(Chandler hangs up the phone.)
Doug: Chandler, this is Margaret Harris, she's the V.P. of West Coast Operations.
Margaret: Senior Vice President. Hi Chandler. I've heard good things about you.
Chandler: Huh, really? (Surprised.)
Margaret: Yes really. (BEAT) Oh Doug, could you go and check with Andy if we're still on for our one o'clock?
Doug: Uh, sure. (Doug gives Chandler a look like What's going on? Chandler responds with the same kind of look. Doug exits. Margaret walks to the office door and closes it.)
Margaret: Like I said, I've heard a lot of good things about you. I think I'm going to have to steal you for my team.
(Margaret moves close to Chandler and leans in.)
Chandler: I, I, I'm flattered, but I like New York. (Obviously uncomfortable with how close Margaret has moved in. He backs up slightly.)
Margaret: Actually, there are going to be some changes around here soon. (Whispering.) That's why I'll be spending a lot more time here.
(Margaret walks towards Chandler. He backs up into his desk. Chandler looks nervously towards the door.)
Chandler: Uh, would you like some coffee? I, I can go get you some coffee.
(Margaret notices a picture frame on Chandler's desk. She picks it up.)
Margaret: No, no coffee.
Chandler: It's really good coffee.
Margaret: No. (BEAT) Is this Monique?
Chandler: (Confused.) Monica. My fiancée, Monica.
(Margaret sighs. She then smiles. She sets the picture frame down and leans forward to pick up her brief case.)
Margaret: There's something I'd like for you to do for me. (BEAT) I can keep a secret, can you?
Chandler: Oh God.
(Margaret pulls out a book from her briefcase and hands it to Chandler. He looks confused.)
Margaret: Will you sign the book for me?
Chandler: This is my mom's book!
Margaret: Yes, I know that. That's why it says Nora Tyler Bing on the cover.
Chandler: I'll have her sign it for you.
Margaret: Actually, I'd rather have you sign it.
Chandler: I'll probably see her tomorrow.
Margaret: No, you sign it.
(Chandler looks doubtful but then takes a pen and signs the inside cover. Margaret takes the book, puts it back into her briefcase and walks towards the door.)
Margaret: Remember, our secret.
Chandler: Okay. (Fake smile.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are seated in the living area. Monica is pouring popcorn into a bowl in the kitchen. Chandler walks in.]
Chandler: Okay, I need you guys to be honest with me. Can you do that?
Chandler: Is there something weird about the way I look today?
Ross: No, you don't look fat. You just look a little bloated.
Chandler: Hey Fabio, I'm serious. (He turns around so they can see his back.) I don't have some sort of sign posted on me, do I? A rip in my pants I can't see?
Rachel: No. (BEAT) What's this Fabio thing?
Monica: (To Ross) You didn't tell her? (She sits down on the couch.)
(Ross looks embarrassed. Chandler sits down next to Monica.)
Ross: Thanks Mon.
Rachel: Tell her what?
Monica: Ross is the hero in the new book Chandler's mom is working on.
(Joey starts laughing. Rachel also thinks it's amusing.)
Phoebe: Oh, you're going to be famous.
Ross: Noooo. The main character is a paleontologist, that's all. There are no other similarities.
Monica: Whatever you say, Roth.
Joey: Roth? What kind of name is Roth?
Chandler: Oh no, Roth Weller. Six foot one inches of sinewy muscle.
Monica: With raven hair and smoldering dark brown eyes.
Rachel: Are those rippling or bulging muscles underneath his shirt Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'd go with rippling.
Ross: Can we please get back to your problem Chandler?
Chandler: Okay, I had this weird feeling all day at work that I was getting checked out. (No response from the group.)
Chandler: Y'know, by women.
Chandler: One of the senior vice presidents even hit on me.
Ross: Did he slap your butt like Doug?
Chandler: No she didn't Roth. But she did that wispy breathing thing by my neck.
Monica: Yeah right. You wish.
Chandler: Yes, but that's not the point here.
Joey: Oh wait, here comes Chandler's mom. (Pointing to the TV)
Rachel: Turn it up. Turn it up. (BEAT) Why didn't you tell me your mom had a new book? You know I love her books.
Chandler: I didn't know until the other day. Anybody want something to drink?
(Chandler gets up and walks to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator.)
Leno (O.S.): Nora, thank you for joining us again.
Mrs. Bing (O.S.): Thanks Jay, I love being here.
Leno (O.S.): Tell us a little bit about Passion in Manhattan, your latest book, which by the way has been flying off the shelves.
Mrs. Bing (O.S.): This was a bit of a departure for me. It's more reality based then my other books.
Leno (O.S.): You don't say. It doesn't follow the typical romance genre formula?
Mrs. Bing (O.S.): No, no. For instance, the hero of the story isn't a powerful businessman type. This character is based on my son; he's a data processing supervisor.
All except Chandler: Oh my God!
(The gang turns around and looks at Chandler just as his eyes roll back into his head and he passes out.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Moments later. Chandler is lying on the couch with his head in Monica's lap. The gang is gathered around except Joey.]
Chandler: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Okay, this is good. He's talking.
Chandler: Oh my God! How could she do this?
Ross: Sure it was funny when it was me. Ha, ha.
Chandler: That was different. That was you. This is me. This is, is sick and perverted.
Rachel: He's got a point there.
Monica: It's okay. It's not that big of a deal.
Ross: Yeah, right. Who watches Leno anyway?
Phoebe: Look at the bright side. You've made your mom a lot of money and got her on the best seller's list again.
(Chandler sits up quickly and looks at Monica.)
Chandler: Mon, we have to give back the check.
Chandler: We have to give back the check. We can't keep it.
Monica: Why? It was a gift.
Chandler: Keeping it would be like saying this is okay.
Monica: I think you might be blowing this out of proportion.
(Joey walks in.)
Joey: This is sooo cool! I went to call my mom to tell her, but guess what? The phone was ringing.
Joey: Hard Copy is on the phone!
(Chandler leans forward. He looks gray.)
Chandler: I'm going to be sick.
(Phoebe grabs the popcorn bowl and dumps all of the popcorn everywhere and hands the bowl to Chandler. Monica stares at her in disbelief.)
Phoebe: (To Monica) What? (She looks at the popcorn everywhere.) Oh.
Joey: Does this mean you don't want to talk to Hard Copy?
(Chandler gets up and unsteadily walks to the bathroom.)
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe are there sipping coffee and talking. Monica walks in with a bag.]
Ross: Hey! Where have you been?
Rachel: You went shopping without me?
Monica: I went to the bookstore.
Monica: Don't tell Chandler, but I bought a copy of the book.
Rachel: Y'know, I love her books, but I just can't read this one.
Ross: Maybe you'll like the next one, the one with Roth.
Rachel: In your dreams.
Joey: Where's Chandler? Hard Copy called again. So did The Sun and The National Enquirer.
Monica: He went to talk to his mom. He still wants to give the check back.
Joey: Why does he have to give the check back? It's not like that's going to change anything.
Monica: Yeah I know. And, and it's not like the people who didn't watch Leno are going to know that Jared Chandler is really Chandler Bing. (Monica shrugs.) So they have the same job. There are lots of data processing supervisors in the world.
Phoebe: Let's see. Hand me the book.
(Monica takes the book out of the bag and hands it to Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Oh, oh.
Ross: What Phoebe?
Phoebe: Well it sort of looks like Chandler on the cover, but y'know a lot more macho.
(Phoebe hands Ross the book.)
Ross: Ooooh. And that's not all.
(Rachel and Joey lean over to look. They look at the book, then at Monica then back to the book.)
Joey: Hee, hee. A few more cup sizes, I'd say.
(Monica grabs the book back and gasps as she really looks at the cover. She quickly flips open the book and skims the pages. She stops and pokes the book hard.)
Monica: Monique? Monique?!
[Scene: Nora's Hotel Room. Nora is in a robe and walking a tall young man to the door when there is a knock at the door. She opens the door. Chandler is standing there. He sees the stud and his mom in a robe.]
Chandler: Y'know, I think I'll come back later.
Nora: Nonsense. Dirk was just leaving.
Nora: Okay, Dean was just leaving. Thanks for the massage Dean.
(Dean exits. Nora gestures for Chandler to come in. He does. She closes the door.)
Nora: You're angry with me.
Chandler: No. (BEAT) Okay, yes. (He takes the check out of his pocket.) I can't take this. Monica and I can't take this.
Chandler: It's not right.
Nora: What's not right about it? It'll give you a nice start. And, there's a lot more where that came from. People love my books.
Chandler: Trust me I know. (Sarcastically.) I've become very popular at work.
Nora: That's good!
Chandler: Mom, what were you thinking?!
Nora: Sit down. C'mon sit down. (Chandler reluctantly sits.) It's not a typical romance novel.
Chandler: I bet you're right. Writers usually don't write hot steamy romances about their sons.
Nora: On Leno, remember I said it was a departure for me?
Chandler: Some departure. All aboard, next stop, classic Freudian nightmare.
Nora: There are no European cities, no euphemisms for male genitalia, and hardly any sex at all.
Chandler: Okay, Mom, I really don't want to know.
Nora: Look, maybe I haven't been the greatest mom. I'll admit it. And your dad, well you can pay for your own therapy sessions regarding that. (BEAT) But I've come to realize what a really terrific son I have. I just wanted to show you how proud I am of you and the way you turned out despite your father and me.
Chandler: So this was the Nora Tyler Bing version of a Hallmark card?
Nora: Well, yes, I guess it is. (BEAT) Did you read the book?
Nora: I'm actually quite amazed it's doing so well. It's really an ordinary story about a wonderfully ordinary young man who happens to be sweet, compassionate, smart and funny.
Chandler: Go on.
Nora: He also happens to be very forgiving. And he loves his mother.
Chandler: Odd, he sounds like someone I know.
[Scene: Chandler's Work. Chandler and Doug are waiting for an elevator. Chandler has some papers in manila folders tucked beneath his arm.]
Doug: You look nervous. Don't look nervous. Harris and Johnson just want to hear about your WENUS. This is good exposure.
Chandler: This isn't exactly what I had in mind. I want to be recognized for the work I do, the contributions I make.
Doug: This is your break. Use it. Work it. (He play hits Chandler on the shoulder.) Who cares how you got it.
(The elevator doors open. Four women are in the elevator. Chandler and Doug walk into the elevator. A couple of the women start whispering to each other. A few more women dash quickly into the elevator almost as the doors close. They file in behind Doug and Chandler. Silence. Everyone is waiting for the doors to close. Suddenly Chandler jumps and his papers go flying. He turns around facing Doug and the elevator full = of woman.)
Doug: Hey, don't look at me. (He holds up his hands.)
(The elevator doors close.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Rachel is standing by her balcony window looking outside. She is dressed in a long flowing skirt with boots. Her white ruffled blouse is open down to the cleavage point. Her hair is wavy. Ross walks into the apartment. He looks ruggedly handsome with five o'clock shadow. He has a hat, leather jacket and bull whip ala Indiana Jones. He crosses the room and picks Rachel up in his arms and looks into her eyes. Rachel sighs.]
Ross: You know, she said paleontologist, not archeologist.
Rachel: Shut up and kiss me. This is my dream.
Ross: Is that a Miracle Bra? (He looks at her chest.)
ENDNote: I'm trying to get better at this. The only way I can do that is if you take a couple of minutes to give me your feedback. I really appreciate it! firstname.lastname@example.org