The One Where Rachel And Monica...
Written by: Regis Philibert
[Scene : The real Central Park, Chandler is running. A gorgeous girl appeals his attention. He makes a lot of Chandler things about that... And then she involuntary drops a pen. Chandler goes down on it and hands her back as fast as he can.]
Chandler: Hey (losing balance) Youve just dropped the pen.
Girl: Oh, thank you, (takes it back) I often do that.
Chandler: Yeah, me too... Wait. No
Girl: (laughing) Well thanks again.
(Chandler is hopping from one foot to the other to fake he wants to keep the rhythm and thinks "Stop doing that". Goes on "NOW" He stops confused.)
Chandler: Youre definitely welcome.
(the girl turns over to go away but turns back suddenly.
Girl: Ok, would you like to date ?
Chandler: Woah... Uh..., Hey, thats... Yep, you betcha.
Girl: Cool, Im so glad. Then see you here tonight.
Chandler: (swallowing) Well, of course.
(she turns back running)
Chandler: (calling after her, realizing the splendor of the situation) Can I keep the pen ?
[Scene : Central Perk, the whole gang is there, except Joey and Chandler. Ross explains Phoebe how to squint.]
Ross: And then you leave your nose, keep crossing them, and raise you squinting look forward. Yes.
Phoebe: Woah, thats huge. (using a male voice) Hi Righty. (using a female voice) Hi Lefty. (going on with the dialogue thing) How do you do. Fine thank you. You look great.
Ross: (amused) All right Pheebs you do that well, but...
Phoebe: (interrupting) Yeah and I love the feeling, I just cant stop.
(She stands up and goes toward Gunther to order something. He stares at her and asks a waitress to serve her as he goes away frightened.)
(Chandler rushes into the coffee house, and addresses to the gang a loud weird orgasmic "Hey".)
Ross & Rachel: (both surprised): Hey.
Monica: How do you...(thinks.) Come ?
Chandler: Just shut up and listen. The most brilliant event of my entire life has just happened to me a few hours ago.
Monica: You found out you could pee standing ?
(Everybody turns to her. Staring at her without a single smile.)
(talking to herself out-loud) Those stuff dont work anymore.
(Chandler mouths "No".)
Chandler: I was just... running in Central Park.
Monica: (still talking to herself) Now they laugh.
(Ross keeps laughing after everyone have stopped.)
Chandler: (To Ross, faking a loud laughter) Ha, Ha ,Ha. Laugh Cozy Rossy, in a sec you will just die to be me.
Monica: Come on. What did the hell happen to you.
Chandler: So, I was just behind this wonderful butt.
Rachel: Chandler !
Rachel: Neither !
Chandler: (faking he cries) Will you let me end up the story. Anyway. Suddenly a pen just fell down from her purse.
Ross: Shed got a purse... with running ?
Chandler: Oh I dont know something like that. And as a gentleman...
Monica: (interrupting) Would do.
Chandler: (glaring at her) And as the gentleman I am, I just bent to get it, and gave it back to her. And guess what. (He looks at Monica waiting for a joke)
Monica: Nope, nothing to say.
Chandler: We are dating tonight.
Rachel: You asked her out ?
Chandler: No. (taking his orgasmic voice again, thrilling on each words) She-e-e asked me out !
Ross: Wha-wha-what ! How did you do ?
Chandler: I just dont know.
Rachel: Channy thats so good for you. Seems like youre back in business.
(Chandler wonders how he must take it.)
Monica: Ok, so how old is she.
Chandler: I dont know this is not the kind of stuff you engrave on your pen.
Monica: (surprised) You mean you didnt ask.
Chandler: Of course I didnt. Which kind of guy does that ?
Monica: (realizing every men asks her) No one. But how did she look.
Chandler: Well dont know... (smiles)Younger than you.
Monica: Hate you.
Chandler: Love me.
Rachel: Ok, her name ?
Chandler: Ok I dont know neither but...
Phoebe: (interrupting) This could be written on the pen.
Ross: Squint ! Squint ! Squint !
Phoebe: Oh ! (gets back in business)
Chandler: Ok I got to find a suit... and a tie and Joey, wheres Joey ?
Phoebe: Oh, hes not in the bathroom.
All: What ?
Phoebe: Well, everybody can see hes not in the room. So I just add hes not in the bathroom neither. (They still dont understand) In order to make you sure hes not in the coffee house.
(Chandler hopelessly leaves)
Phoebe: Oh sorry you were kissing. (She squints again.)
[Scene : Chandler & Joeys, Joeys watching "Baywatch" as Ross enters.]
Joey: (alternatively watching his watch and the TV) 69 !
Ross: What ?
Joey: Oh, Hey. No, its just that Yasmin shakes her boobs 69 times a minute when she runs.
Ross: Coool ! Is she running for a full minute ?
Joey: (disappointed) Pff... No only ten seconds. I just made the count.
Ross: So dyou know about Chandler ?
Joey: (laughing) Yeah...
Ross: Dont you thing its amazing.
Joey: Except the "Chandler running" part, NO.
Ross: But, she barely knows him...
Joey: (interrupting) Come on Ross. (pause) Where do you run ?
Ross: (surprised) Could we keep talking about Chandler ?
(Joey looks at him with a "Come On" face.)
Ross: In my neighborhood, why ?
Joey: Because if you ran in Central Park as... My friends do. You would know about... (he says the word as the first suspect in a thriller movie) The "Lipstick Girl"
Ross: (almost yelling upset about Joey talking non-sense) WHAT ?
Joey: Oh, sorry. Actually we should call her... (thriller movie style) The "Pen Girl", but before knowing about this nickname we use, she dropped lipstick. And then she just changed the dropping item. Men ! Were not gonna let ourselves be manipulated by this "crazy dropping pen girl".
Ross: Joey, is it...
Joey: (interrupting) Her new nickname ? No, we keep The "Lipstick Girl" you know its short, a bit exiting too and...
Ross: (interrupting him, very upset.) TRUE ! Joey, is it true?
Joey: Oh, yeah. She seduces em, and then she just has sex with em.
Ross: Well, I think its pretty much what Chan is expecting.
Joey: (finishing his last sentence) ...In a weird way.
Ross: What ?
Joey: Why do you think she has to use the pen trick ? To always find a new guy. They always flee up. I dont know what she does to them but man...
( Joey breaks off when the door opens. Monica enters wearing a Chinese hat and holding a bottle of Sake. She looks glad.)
Ross: Hey, so dyou got the job at the "Red Dragon".
Joey: So why are you smiling ?
Monica: First, I dont want to work for fat mean woman yelling at me in language sounding like my mixer. I mean I think I met the "Red Dragon". And second, they offered me a nice bottle of Sake.
Joey: And a hat.
Monica: Uh... No, I stole it.
(They both stare at her in reproach.)
Monica: (ashamed) She was really mean.
[Scene: Rachel & Monicas, Rachel and Monica are there. Theyre facing sitting at each side of the coffee table, looking at the bottle of sake standing in the middle of it.]
Rachel: So ?
Monica: Oh, Rach come on. Its been ten years from now. And I never won at that game anyway.
Rachel: But you did once, and Ive made myself look ridiculous.
Monica: Oh stop it, nobody never laughed at you just because you lost.
Rachel: Monica. After you won, I just went to the pool and tried to walk over the water... On my hands.
Monica: Oh, yes this was funny. (remembering she laughs) "Hey Im Jesus, Im Jesu... blup, blup, blllup"
Rachel: I just want my revenge.
(Phoebe steps out from the bathroom)
Phoebe: So are you guys gonna make it ?
(Rachel turns to Monicas face, imploring her)
Rachel: Yes, thank you Monica. Come to papa, Monica.
Phoebe: Great ! I got to go.
Rachel: No Pheebs, you got to witness it. You got to be the judge of my victory.
Phoebe: Oh, sorry I got my 4 Oclock one. (Squinting) You know, now its just like I was massaging four butt-cheeks.
(She leaves putting her arms away, like a blind girl.)
Rachel: Looks like its Mano A Mano.
Monica: You mean Womano A Womano
Rachel: (not getting) Hey, you know, youre not supposed to start without me.
(Chinese music starts as the game begins.)
(Monica takes the first glass of Sake and smile. Rachel does too.)
(Cut to Monica, a bit drunk, who spilt some Sake on her blouse. Rachel laughs.)
(Cut to Rachel, drunk too, bringing an empty glass to her lips. She puts it back on the table and mouths a "Oups", as she catches the half empty bottle.)
(Cut to Monica wearing the Chinese hat, who is holding the legs of Rachel, like she were pulling a rickshaw. Rachel point a direction.)
(Cut to a pair of legs raising from behind the coach. Rachel is clumsily walking on her hands as Monica applauds.)
(Cut to Monica and Rachel cuddled together, completely drunk as the music stops.)
Monica: You know what. Lets have fun like Phoebe.
Rachel: Hey-hey-hey, what do you say ?
Monica: Im gonna make you squiiint.
Rachel: Ooh-ooh-ooh, How do you do ?
Monica: ( Approaching her hands from Rachels body.) Im gonna make your boobies squint.
(Cut to a close shot of Rachels face)
Rachel: Hey-hey-hey, great idea. (squinting) Lets squint.
[Scene: Rachel & Monicas, Rachel room. Its the morning and Rachels awakening as she catch a hand beside her head.]
Rachel: (barely awake) Mmmh, Homer, I just love kissing your yellow (finding out the situation) Long nailed Monicas hand. MONICA !
(Monica instantly awakes)
Monica: RACHEL !
(They both start stepping out of the bed before finding that their both naked. They then both pull the blanket to themselves in order to cover them.)
Rachel: Gimme the blanket.
Monica: No, you give me the blanket.
Rachel: Drop it Monica its my room.
Monica: (search for an answer) ...Its my apartment.
Rachel: Oh, Damn !
(they both resign and lay back under the blanket.)
Rachel: What are you doing here ?
Monica: Same question !
Rachel: (in disgust) I dont know, all I remember is the Sake and the Sake, and... (surprised) Jesus.
Monica: Maybe we just get drunk...
Rachel: (interrupting) Clever girl !
Monica: And I just missed my bed.
Rachel: Ohhh, Mon, I remember someone touching my breasts, and it was not Jesus.
Monica: And then ? We already done that.
Rachel: Yeah, but this time I didnt hear "Negative, honey, you don't have Cancer."
Monica: Maybe, we were just...
Rachel: (Trying to calm down) Monica, (yelling) WE ARE STARK NAKED !
Monica: Oh no this cannot be happening to us.
Rachel: Ok lets think positive. Perhaps we just squeezed...(disgusted) ... Got Naked... and fell asleep. We were drunk, I dont think we have had enough strength to (even more disgusted) ...ahv... ...hex...
Monica: You can say it.
Rachel: No I cant. (pause) Anyway, nothing that happened to us this night will be revealed to anyone. Especially not to your brother.
Monica: Why ?
Rachel: (glaring at her) Hes kind of Lesbianophobiac resulting from a past accident during his youth.
Monica: Ok, (ironic) thats gonna be are naughty secret.
Rachel: Raise your hand and swear on this...(she reached a magazine on the night table) ...Cosmo.
Monica: (amusing) I swear.
Rachel: This is serious.
Monica: Oh, it looks so.
Rachel: I swear too. Ok go for cloth, I definitely have to get out of here.
Monica: (Glaring at her.) I am not leaving the bed.
Rachel: Why. Hey its mine.
Monica: I AM NAKED !
Rachel: And then ! Were both women. Plus, weve just had sex together.
Monica: Hey you said we dont know.
Rachel: No we dont. Oh for Gods sake, Monica just do it !
Monica: (interrupting) You wouldnt neither. Would you.
(she thinks for at least ten seconds, as Monica waits for an answer)
Rachel: Monica. JUST DO IT !
Monica: No, I am not moving a single inch.
Rachel: (seems to do Monica) No, I am not moving a single inch.
Monica: (glaring at her) Are you doing me.
Rachel: No, I actually agree with you.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Joey are there waiting for Chandler.]
Joey: I tell you, He didnt come back this night.
Ross: And guess who he spent the entire night with ?
(they both try to tell the nickname with the thriller style but Ross says "The "Pen Girl" when Joey says The "Lipstick Girl". The weird sound resulting from the mixing of the two words disappoints them. They sit back and think about it for a few seconds)
Ross: So, he did the weird stuff with her.
Joey: Yea-heah-heah !
(Chandler enters as Joey starts laughing. Joey stops.)
Chandler: What are you laughing at ?
Joey: Oh.. uh... Yeah, Ross just told a funny tale.
Chandler: Funny, thats my word. Come on Ross tell it for me.
Ross: (embarrassed) Oh you know this was not that funny.
Joey: Come on Ross, never laughed like this in my entire life.
(Ross looks at him with a "What the hell are you doing" look on his face. Joey mouths a "Oups")
Ross: You know its kind of kinky and Joey likes that but...
Chandler: Yeah, by the way Joey, why did you stop laughing when I came in.
Joey: (glaring at Ross) Tell the story.
Ross: (searching) Ok, so Uh.. this is the ... the O, you know the letter (swallows) who meets the eight, you know the number. Uh... and then the O goes "Hey, you wear a belt."
(As Ross an Joey fake to laugh, Chandler glares at them)
Chandler: Oh, this is kinky. (pause) Ok, so you know about the pen girl.
(Joey, raise his hand to tell Chandler her real nickname but resigns.)
Ross: Yeah, looks like you were the only one in town not to know.
Joey: Yeah... but looks like he is the only one in town to know now. So what did she force you to do.
Ross: Joey !
Chandler: No, no I can say that. I mean this is not like she was S&M or something.
Ross & Joey: (finding they were wrong) Noooo.
Chandler: She just took me to her apartment... And asked me to sit back and relax.... While she were just .. Uh... Playing with... The-the pen.
(Joey opens his mouth to ask a question, but is interrupted by Chandler)
Chandler: No she didnt used it "Majorette style"
Joey: Oh so she..
Chandler: (interrupting) Yep.
Ross: Ok so you just have a good time like in a peep show and then.
Chandler: Ross she was cute, attractive, and when we wondered in the park she was so funny and looked smart too. I was about to fall in love with her.
Ross: Im sorry.
Joey: (Tapping chandlers leg) Sorry man !
Chandler: OK, I got to pee.
Joey: Why. ? Did she tied you up on the chair ?
Chandler: No. But she let met drink. Oh, by the way she let me keep it this time. (he takes out of his pocket a pen and throw it to Joey who catches it. He looks at it like a divine object.)
Joey: No ! This is the pen. Oh, man ! (he handles it carefully, and turns to Ross) This is definitely...
Joey & Ross: (thriller style) The "Pen Girl". (they compliment themselves for the perfect synchronization.)
[Scene: Rachels room, Rachel and Monica are still in the bed thinking about their "affair".]
Monica: Well this is the kind of stuff that happens... (Rachel turns to her surprised) Sometimes. Remember in high school. Jessica Parker and Nancy Field, they used to do it.
Rachel: Monica, they are still living together and watch the Gay Pride on TV when theyre not part of it.
Monica: Still, that happens. Maybe after all this time living together we should have expected that.
Rachel: Monica will you stop. Youre just weird.
Monica: Oh, sorry, Marge !
Rachel: What ? Who is it.
Monica: Oh, I dont know. Maybe the only one on earth whos attracted by Homer Simpson.
Rachel: (embarrassed) Monica. What are you talking about ?
Monica: (laughing) I cant believe it. If youre ashamed of your dream lovers, dont tell their name when you sleep.
Rachel: Oh... How... I just find hes funny and pitiful I mean...
(they hear the sound of the door opening and start to panic)
Monica: Hope its Phoebe, shes the only one to be able to understand.
Phoebe: (from the living room) Hey, anybody here?
Monica: (whispering)Yes !
Ross: Hey, Monica ! Where are you ?
(Rachel and Monica get panicked again)
Monica: Hide under, hide under.
(Rachel go under the blanket. Then Ross enters.)
Ross: Hey, wha-what are you doing in Rachels room ?
Monica: (embarrassed) Testing the bed ?
Ross: Hey-hey (noticing the form under the blanket) Looks like, little sister find a new boyfriend. (Monica smiles as approving) Come on man, Im not this kind of brother, you can show yourself. (amusing) Come on whos there ? (angry) Come on whos there ? Ok man you got it. (He raised the blanket)
Monica: Ross, no !
(Close shot of his face when he discovers the hidden "boyfriend")
Ross: (whispering) Rachel ?
(Cut to Ross rushing out of the room, his hands over his head.)
Ross: (yelling) MALEDICTION ! MALEDICTION !
(he passes Phoebe, runs to the door and leaves.)
Phoebe: Whats happening. (She goes in Rachels room and finds out) Woah. I must be squinting.
(Chandler slam the door and rush in the place holding a crucifix.)
Chandler: Whats going on ?
Phoebe: Looks like Rachel and Monica had sex this night.
Chandler: And I didnt. Whats the point ?
Phoebe: (whispering) Together.
Chandler: (not understanding the yelled word and smiling) Malediction ?
Rachel: Pheebs get us some cloth.
Chandler: No I got to see.(runs to the Rachels room door, but phoebe slams it before he reaches)
Phoebe: No ! Chandler you look...
Chandler: Hungry ?
[Scene: Monica & Rachels, the whole gang is there except Joey and Ross. Rachel and Monica are sitting on the coach, dressed, and dont say a single word as everybody waits for it.]
Chandler: Ok, you look ashamed so we wont force you to explain, but Ross and Joey, for different reasons, will, so youd better do it now.
Monica: Pff... we...
Rachel: Its OK Mon, I will do it.(searching for the good words) Right pay attention I wont repeat it : Game. Drunk. Accident.
Phoebe: Oh, so youre not... in love you guys.
Monica & Rachel: NO !
Chandler: Ok, so just an accident. (pause) So you did it.
Monica: We dont know, all we know hes that we drank, we undressed and... slept together. Just some sisters stuff.
Chandler: Anyway I just got...
Monica: (interrupting, hopeless). Not in the bathroom.
Chandler: I guess. Ok, I got to go
Rachel: Come on dyou really get to tell Joey ?
Chandler: Rachel hes my friend. (reaches the door, opens it and turns back to Rachel) How can you be so selfish ? (leaves)
Phoebe: Ok, girls thats not that big deal. (stands up) You know when I feel bad I just squint and everything around turns into a fun and curious wonderful world. (squints)
Monica: Come on Pheebs stop doing it, you cant walk when you squint, youre just gonna hurt yourself.
Phoebe: No, I perfectly handle this. Look ! Right between the two posts. (bump into a single post)
Monica: Oh Pheebs are you all right. I told you.
Phoebe: No, no Im fine. I mean (moving her arms) its even better now.
(Ross rushes into the room very angry)
Ross: (almost yelling) I want an explanation. In a few words.
[Scene: Chandler & Joeys, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is still holding the pen.]
Joey: Cant believe I missed it. They dont even want to talk about this by now. (doing the girls) "Forget it Joey, we must all forget it." Oh, man its always on my mind. (closes his eyes and smiles) Yeah !
Chandler: You know I kinda knew it would happen. You know, two pretty ones, living in the same place for a long time now. Plus, both single.
(They both find that the description matches pretty well with them. They both look disgusted. After a few second Joey look down the pen and throw it away.