The One With The Test


Fanfic by: Laura Barnett


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Rachel and Chandler are eating breakfast. Monica walks out of the bathroom in a robe.]

Monica: Hey, Rach, do you have any feminine spray? I'm out.

(Chandler gets up to take his plate to the kitchen sink.)

Rachel: Sure, it's in one of my dresser drawers.

Chandler: That explains the five o'clock shadow on your upper lip this morning.

(Monica walks over to the mirror and looks. Monica blows him a look.)

Monica: What time is it?

Chandler: 9:20. You're going to be late.

Monica: Dammit, dammit, dammit!

(Monica runs into Rachel's room.)

Rachel: Late for what? I thought she was going to help me watch the triplets today.

(Monica runs out of Rachel's room and into her room.)

Chandler: Her doctor's appointment.

(Rachel looks like she's about to ask something when Joey comes in.)

Joey: Hey! I just got done with that phone interview. I think it went well.

Chandler: Since when do they interview actors by phone?

Joey: (Shrugs) I don't know, but I'm going over there later today.

(Monica exits her room. She is dressed. She runs over to Chandler and gives him a quick kiss and then heads to the door.)

Chandler: I don't know why you're rushing. If he's anything like my dentist, he'll make you wait a good hour without any Highlights to read.

Monica: I'm never late. I'm never late for anything!

(Monica runs out the door.)

 

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Doctor's Office. Monica is in a room sitting on an exam table with a gown on. The doctor walks in. He's young, attractive and Australian.]

Monica: Wow.

Doctor: Excuse me?

Monica: Uh, I said, you're not Doctor Klein.

Doctor: No, I'm new to the practice. I'm Doctor Hayes.

Monica: Where's Doctor Klein?

Doctor: Delivering a baby. Now, let's see, Ms. Gellar, right?

Monica: Monica. (Beat) Y'know I think I'll just come back another time when Doctor Klein is available. No offense.

Doctor: None taken, but you might not be able to get in to see him for another two months.

Monica: It's just, he's been my doctor since ... puberty.

Doctor: And you'd be more comfortable if he were here?

Monica: Well yeah.

Doctor: You're the fifth woman this morning. I'm starting to get a complex. (Beat) Can I ask, is it my beside manner?

Monica: Well yeah, sort of. (Beat) Doctor Klein is old, wrinkly and can barely see. You seem to have strolled off the set of General Hospital.

Doctor: Ohhh, hold on just a minute.

Monica: (Warily) Okay.

(He walks out of the room and then comes back in with black horn-rimmed glasses, which elicits a laugh from Monica.)

Doctor: Is that better?

Monica: Maybe if you lose the accent?

(The camera angle changes, so that exam table is behind a screen.)

Doctor (O.S.): (In a Pee Wee Herman type voice) Okay, Monica, slide down to the end of the table. Put your feet in the stirrups.

Monica (O.S.): Okay, any voice, but that voice.

Doctor (O.S.): (Normal voice) Sorry, that's the only voice I do. (Beat) Just relax. Once you've seen... (Beat) Fancy. I'm really going to have to get used to New York! (Monica laughs nervously.)

 

[Scene: Exam room. Monica is dressed now and waiting. Doctor Hayes walks in.]

Doctor: (Normal voice) So, Monica, you say your period is about a week late?

Monica: Yeah, I'm never late. That's why I took the pregnancy test.

Doctor: Well, I think you may have had a false positive test result. I'd like to take a blood sample and run another test with your permission.

Monica: But, I'm late and I had two lines on the test. (Sounding disappointed.)

Doctor: I know. False positives don't happen too often, but I'm not seeing any other signs. Can we do a blood test?

Monica: Okay.

(Monica starts to cry. The doctor hands her some tissue.)

Doctor: Is there someone we can call to pick you up when we're done?

Monica: Yeah.

 

 [Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch drinking coffee. Joey walks in.]

Joey: Hey! I got the job.

Phoebe: Cool! What is it?

Joey: (Sheepishly) Telemarketing, sort of. Pays well, though.

Ross: Why do they need actors to do telemarketing? Oh, is like the telethon?

(Joey sits in a chair by Ross.)

Joey: Nooo. I actually get to do some acting.

Chandler: Wait! This wouldn't have to do with a 900 number, would it?

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: Joey! Phone sex?! (Joey nods.)

Ross: Why would you want to do that? You're an actor, not some guy who can't get enough... (Beat) Where was I going with this?

Joey: Look, I was there today sort of interviewing again. (Beat) It's hard.

(Ross and Chandler look at each other.)

Chandler: (To Ross) Too easy.

Joey: I never really thought about what I say to turn women on. (Pauses, thinking) I usually don't say anything at all.

Phoebe: Oh, it's easy. It's not really what you say but how you say it Joey. C'mon over here.

(Joey sits next to Phoebe. She leans over and whispers something into Joey's ear.)

Joey: Hee, hee. Okay, Pheebs. (Beat) Can I use that one?

Phoebe: Oh, here's another one. (She leans over and whispers into his ear again.)

Joey: Oh, ho. (He leans over and whispers into Phoebe's ear.)

Phoebe: Oh that was really good! See you can do this. (Phoebe leans over and whispers into Joey's.)

(Chandler and Ross look uncomfortable.)

Chandler: I'm going to see if Monica is back.

Ross: I have laundry I have to do.

 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Rachel walks out of her room. Chandler walks into the apartment.]

Chandler: Hey is Monica back yet?

Rachel: No, not yet. (Whispering.) The babies are sleeping.

(Rachel points to her room and then turns on the monitor on coffee table. Chandler sits down on the couch.)

Rachel: I'm glad you're here. I need to go get diapers.

Chandler: You're going to leave me here with three babies... by myself?

(Rachel looks like she has second thoughts.)

Rachel: Well, um they're sleeping. Just let them sleep. I'll be right back.

(Rachel leaves before he can respond. Chandler gets up and walks over to the bathroom. Just as he's about to enter...)

Rachel (O.S): Hello.

(Chandler turns around.)

Chandler: Hello?

Rachel (O.S.): Can you hear me?

Chandler: Yes. Rachel? (Chandler walks over to the door to the hall and opens it. He looks for Rachel and then closes it.)

Rachel (O.S.): Can you hear me? I'm having trouble hearing you.

Chandler: I can hear you, that's not the problem.

(Chandler looks quickly around the apartment. He quietly peeks into Rachel's room and then walks back to couch.)

Rachel (O.S.): What's the matter?

Chandler: I can't see you!

(Chandler spots the monitor. He picks it up.)

Rachel (O.S.): He's in our apartment watching the triplets. How did you know to get me on the cell phone? (Beat) Oh, I had the phones turned down so the babies would sleep.

Chandler: You really, really shouldn't. (Thinking) But you can't turn it off because then you wouldn't be able to hear the babies. (He sits on the couch in front of the monitor.)

Rachel (O.S.): Aww honey, did you tell Chandler why you were going to the doctor? (Chandler shakes his head and leans in closer to the monitor.) Well, yeah, he'll probably freak, but you have to tell him.

Chandler: Why would I freak?

Rachel (O.S.): Did they have you take another pregnancy test?

(Chandler jumps up and back peddles. He falls backwards over the couch. He gets up and runs around the couch. He picks up the monitor.)

Chandler (into the monitor): Rach? Mon? (Long pause) Ha, ha, ha. Very good! I'd give it a 10 on the Bing scale. (Another long pause) You got me.

Rachel (O.S.): Look, I got a cab. I'll be there in a little bit.

Chandler: Monica? Rach?

(Chandler stares at the monitor for a moment then sets it down. He runs his hands through his hair.)

Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

(He walks to the door of the apartment, and stops as he's about to open the door. He stands there for a moment. One of the babies starts to cry from Rachel's room. He turns around slowly and walks quietly back to Rachel's room and enters it.)

Chandler (O.S.): Okay, okay. Sh-sh-sh. (Beat) Don't look at me that way. I'm here.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Joey's Work. Joey is sitting at a small cubicle. His new boss is standing beside him.]

Boss: Okay, here's your phone. It rings, you pick it up. Your name is Jake. When Gail's done, she'll come over and help you. (Beat) For now, go with the flow.

(The boss walks away. Joey overhears one of his coworker's on the other side of the cube wall. He can't see her from where he's sitting, but he likes the sound of her voice. He is about to peek over when his phone rings.)

Joey: Jake here. (Beat) Oh, I think you have the wrong number. (Beat) Yeah, I'm Jake, but you're... Hey, hey, hey! I'm not into that. (Joey hangs up.)

(Joey hears his coworker end her call. The coworker gets up and walks over to him. She is average looking. Joey looks a little disappointed.)

Gail: Hi, I'm Gail. Well, here I'm Lucinda.

Joey: I'm Joey a.k.a. Jake. (Beat) I've always wanted to say that.

Gail: You've never done this before have you?

Joey: No. Howd'ya know?

Gail: Well, the object is to keep them on the phone. It's a 900 number.

Joey: But he was a man!

Gail: Yeah, they usually are.

Joey: But...

Gail: Do you want to get paid?

Joey: Yeah.

Gail: Keep them on the phone. Keep them calling back.

Joey: But...

Gail: It's just for pretend.

Joey: Okay, okay. I'm an actor. I can do this.

(Joey's phone rings.)

Joey: Hello, this is Jake. (Joey looks really happy. He covers up the receiver.) It's a woman!

(Gail mouths, "Ask her her name." Joey looks confused. Gail runs over to her desk and grabs a dual headset. She hooks it up. Joey puts one on and then Gail puts on the other.)

 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. Phoebe, Frank and Alice are there with Chandler and the babies. Chandler is holding one of the babies in its carrier. Rachel and Monica enter.]

Rachel: Hey, Alice, Frank, you're back early.

Frank: Well, yeah, the seminar is over. My sister and me will soon be on our way to financial freedom with Relaxi-taxi.

(Rachel, Monica and Chandler exchange looks.)

Alice: Thank you for watching the kids.

Rachel: I, uh, had to run out and get more diapers.

Alice: That's okay. Looks like Chandler did fine.

Rachel: I'd be happy to baby-sit again.

Alice: Thanks Rachel. (To Chandler) Next Saturday?

Chandler: Okay. (Rachel and Monica are stunned.)

Frank: Okay kids, say "Bye." (Frank looks expectantly at them, then looks embarrassed.) They're so shy.

Monica: Frank, they can't talk yet.

Frank: Uh, sure. (He rolls his eyes.)

Alice: Bye, thanks again.

(Frank, Alice and babies exit.)

Chandler: (To Monica) So, how did it go?

Monica: Well, I have a new doctor. He's Australian.

Chandler: And?

Monica: Uh, well, ... you were right. I had to wait forever. I don't know why I rushed so much this morning.

Chandler: But, you were late?

Monica: Yeah, late. (Quietly.)

Phoebe: Is it me or did the aura of this room go orange?

Monica: It's definitely just you. (Almost snapping)

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, y'know I have some ideas for Relaxi-taxi. Let's go downstairs and talk about them.

Phoebe: Okay, but Frank and I aren't ready to take on any partners yet.

(Rachel and Phoebe exit.)

Chandler: So what did the doctor say?

(Monica looks very uncomfortable and worried. She leads him over to the couch and they sit.)

Monica: I don't think you're going to like this. I took a test the other day. (Chandler goes to speak but Monica holds up a hand.) It wasn't a multiple choice test. It was a pregnancy test.

(Monica looks at him waiting for a reaction. Chandler remains calm.)

Chandler: Okay...

(Chandler gets up and goes to the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator and gets a bottle of juice out. Then he gets a glass out of the cabinet.)

Monica: It said I was pregnant.

Chandler: Wow.

Monica: Wow? Wow? Okay, who are you and what have you done with my Chandler?

(Chandler puts the glass of juice in the refrigerator and goes to drink from the bottle. He realizes what he's about to do and then puts the bottle in the refrigerator too. He closes the refrigerator and realizes he doesn't have his juice, so he opens the refrigerator and grabs his glass of juice.)

Chandler: What? Did you expect me to freak out or something?

Monica: Well, yeah.

Chandler: But, that would be really childish and immature.

Monica: Well, yeah. (Beat) And, um, there's more.

Chandler: There's more? (He squeaks and looks like he's going to lose it, but then regains control.)

Monica: Yes, it was a false positive. I took a blood test at the doctor's office. That one was negative.

(Chandler almost does his dance, but sets his juice down. He walks over and hugs her tightly.)

Chandler: I'm sorry, and I mean that.

Monica: You're not freaked out even at the idea that I might be pregnant.

Chandler: What were you expecting?

Monica: I thought you might drop dead or...

Chandler: Or what?

Monica: (Guiltily) Or take off for Yemen.

(Chandler puts down his glass and walks over to her. He holds her.)

Chandler: I'm not going to take off on you. I'm not my dad.

 

[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Ross and Phoebe are sitting having coffee. Joey walks in.]

Ross: Hey Joey! How's the new job?

Joey: Great! I'm really getting the hang of it.

Ross: So how's it hanging?

Joey: I just told you. (Beat) I even have a repeat caller. Her name is Darcy and she called me four times today. We didn't even talk about sex.

Rachel: That's so sad.

Phoebe: What do you mean?

Rachel: That someone would be so lonely that they would call up a phone sex line, four times just to talk.

Ross: I'd hate to have her phone bill.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, me too. (Suddenly looking worried and depressed.)

Joey: I hope she calls tomorrow.

Phoebe: I wouldn't count on it.

Joey: Why? (Almost hurt.)

Phoebe: No one could be that pathetic, right?

(Chandler and Monica walk in.)

Joey: Hey!

Monica: Hey!

Ross: You guys set a date yet?

Chandler: You would think so, but no, not yet.

Ross: When are you going to set a date?

Monica: Well it was almost sooner rather than later. I'm thought I might be pregnant.

(Ross spews his coffee.)

Phoebe and Joey: That's great!

Joey: And I thought you just had too much to eat over the holidays.

(Monica looks down at her stomach concerned.)

Monica: No! I thought I might be, but I'm not.

Joey: Oh. Sorry.

Ross: Thank God. (Rachel slaps his arm.) Ow! (Beat) I mean, you haven't even told Mom and Dad that you're engaged.

Chandler: (Looking at Monica.) You haven't told them yet.

Monica: Well no. Did you tell you're mom yet?

Chandler: Yes. (Beat) Okay, no. But that's only because she's in Tokyo right now. I was hoping to do it in person.

Monica: When is she coming back?

(Chandler starts to answer then thinks for a second.)

Chandler: I'll try to call her when I get back to the apartment.

Rachel: So anyway, how do you like the new doctor? Is he cute?

Ross: Why do you have this fascination with doctors?

Rachel: So anyway, is he cute?

Monica: Uh no. (Blushing) Not really. He's, um, nice.

Rachel: Why did you just blush? He is cute isn't he?

Monica: You're not helping.

Rachel: Do you think you might be able to set me up?

Phoebe: So is he cute or isn't he?

Chandler: Yeah, what she said.

Monica: I guess. It's not something you really want to think about in the middle of an exam.

(Chandler steps back and looks at Monica. He looks concerned. Ross looks uncomfortable. Joey looks thoughtful.)

Joey: Do you think it's too late for me to go back to school?

(The gang turns and looks at him and then continues on.)

Monica: Pffft. He really has this weird sense of humor. Not funny at all.

Rachel: What do you mean?

Monica: I don't know, maybe it's Australian humor. During the exam, he said "Fancy," and that he was going to have to get used to New York.

(Ross is covering his ears.)

Ross: La,la,la,la.

Rachel and Phoebe: Ewwww.

Monica: Yeah, I know it's kind of weird, but I just chalked it up to cultural differences.

Rachel: Okay, never mind, I don't want you to set me up with him.

Phoebe: You must have said something or done something.

Monica: No, I was nervous. I hardly said anything at all.

Phoebe: Were you wearing that those, you know...?

Monica: What?

Phoebe: You now, the vented pair from Pete?

(Chandler raises an eyebrow. Ross looks uncomfortable.)

Monica: No!

Chandler: Those what?

Ross: Okay, I've heard enough. I'm going to have to get another Latte. Anyone want one?

All: No.

(Ross goes to the counter.)

Rachel: Wait! The feminine deodorant!

Monica: You're right. That's gotta be it.

Chandler: I guess they don't use feminine spray Down Under.

 

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Apartment. The apartment is empty but we hear Monica giggling from her room.]

Chandler (O.S.): (Laughing) Thanks for inviting me to the party!

Monica (O.S.): Huh?

Chandler (O.S.): It is pretty fancy, and I do feel a little underdressed.

Monica (O.S.): (Laughing) What are you talking about?

Chandler (O.S.): You sparkle.

Monica (O.S.): I don't have that certain glow, but we could work on it.

Chandler (O.S.): No, no, no. I mean, you really sparkle.

Monica (O.S.): Huh? Oh my God!

(Monica runs from her bedroom into Rachel's bedroom in a robe.)

Monica (O.S.): Spray glitter?!

 

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Joey's Work. Joey is at his cube. He is watching the phone, waiting for it to ring. Gail walks over to his cube.]

Gail: Are you done with your shift?

Joey: Yeah, I was just waiting for Darcy to call, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.

Gail: You're kind of cute when you pout.

(Joey tries to pout more, but makes a scary frowning face.)

Gail: Do you want to get some coffee with me?

Joey: Like go out and get coffee or something else?

Gail: (Looks puzzled) Go out and get coffee.

Joey: Okay. Just wanted to clarify.

(Joey grabs his coat. Gail and Joey exit. A few seconds later Joey's phone starts ringing.)

 

[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe is on the phone. She waits and then hangs up.]

END

Note: I'm trying to get better at this. The only way I can do that is if you take a couple of minutes to give me your feedback. I really appreciate it! lbarnett@interaccess.com