The One With The Mosquitoes
Written by: Sunny ©1999
Note: This script takes place a couple of episodes after TOW the Yeti, except instead of telling Ross that she wanted a divorce, Emily just hung up on him. I assume that everyone has found out about Monica and Chandler.
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright,
Kaufman and Crane.
SCENE: Central Perk, rainy day. RACHEL and PHOEBE are on the couch, MONICA and CHANDLER in the chair, ROSS and JOEY at the table. GUNTHER is pouring coffee for RACHEL. Everyone looks bored.
GUNTHER: Here's your coffee, Rachel.
RACHEL: Thanks. (Grabs a sugar packet, pours in coffee, gets up to throw the packet away)
GUNTHER: Let me get that, Rachel.
ROSS: Oh, could you take mine, too?
GUNTHER: (pauses) No thanks. (takes RACHEL's packet, turns around, kisses it, takes out a box
from under the counter with a heart on it marked 'Rachel' and adds the packet to an
overflowing pile of sugar packets, spoons, and napkins, etc.)
(ROSS looks confused)
CHANDLER: (sighing) Did anything interesting happen to anyone lately?
(Everyone shakes his or her head and sighs)
PHOEBE: Ooh! Ooh! I've got something!
(Everyone looks up)
PHOEBE: This morning I found a dime in my purse that I didn't know I had! Will that count?
(Everyone looks back down)
MONICA: What about you, Gunther? Did anything interesting happen around here?
GUNTHER: Well, today a guy came in, and he wanted half regular coffee and half decaf. But the
funny thing was, he wanted half and half in it, too!
(Everyone tries to find that interesting)
CHANDLER: (pauses) So, Pheebs, about that dime......
SCENE: MONICA and RACHEL's apartment, next morning. MONICA is in the shower, RACHEL and CHANDLER are at the table eating breakfast.
(ROSS walks in. He's wearing a t-shirt & shorts and his face, arms, and legs are
covered with red spots.)
ROSS: (in that sad 'Ross' trademark way) Hi.
CHANDLER: Hey, it's chicken pox with a Ross on them!
ROSS: Mosquitos are nesting in my building. Where's Monica. I need some lotion and a clean
CHANDLER: Why don't you just ask Rachel? She lives here, too.
ROSS: (sarcastically) Okay, I'll give that a try. Rachel, where are the clean towels?
RACHEL: (immediately) No clue.
ROSS: (immediately) Thanks. I'll just go ask Monica. (heads toward bathroom) Is she in here?
RACHEL: Oh, you don't wanna do that. She's in the--
CHANDLER: (softly, interrupting) Shh....let him go.
(ROSS walks into bathroom, MONICA screams and ROSS comes out of the
bathroom with lotion all over him)
RACHEL: (grinning) Well, you found the lotion.
(ROSS gives her a look)
(PHOEBE walks in, carrying a box full of diapers, baby toys, etc.)
PHOEBE: (excitedly) Guess what??!!
CHANDLER: You're having more babies for your brother?!
PHOEBE: Frank and Alice are gonna let me babysit the triplets!! Yay!
RACHEL: That's great, Pheebs!
JOEY: Hey guys, what's up?
PHOEBE: I get to babysit Frank, Leslie, and Chandler!
JOEY: Why would Frank and Chandler need a babysitter?
PHOEBE: No, not Chandler! (gestures to CHANDLER) Chandler the girl!
JOEY: Ha, ha! Chandler's a girl! (looks around) I told ya!
PHOEBE: You and Chandler are married?
CHANDLER: (pauses, sarcastically) Yes. Didn't you know that? We eloped.
JOEY: Man, why are you talking about fruit? And you know I love cantaloupe. Dude, you're
making me hungry!
(CHANDLER gives JOEY a disturbing look)
PHOEBE: Guess what?
PHOEBE: Frank and Alice are gonna let me babysit the triplets!
JOEY: Wow! Can I help? Why didn't you tell me this before?
PHOEBE: I did!
JOEY: (pauses) Okay.
PHOEBE: So, you want to help?
JOEY: Yeah! Only I've never babysat before.
PHOEBE: Okay! Me either!
(MONICA comes out of bathroom in her robe, gives ROSS a mean look)
(for the first time PHOEBE and JOEY notice ROSS's mosquito bites and lotion)
JOEY: What happened to you?
RACHEL: He found the lotion.
ROSS: Mosquitos are nesting in my building.
(MONICA goes into her room)
JOEY: (to CHANDLER) Wanna watch cartoons?
CHANDLER: Looney Tunes?
JOEY: You bet!
PHOEBE: Okay, I'm gonna go get the triplets.
(JOEY sits on couch, CHANDLER sits on chair, ROSS sits at table with
RACHEL and pours himself cereal)
(phone rings, RACHEL answers)
EMILY: (on other end) Hello, is this Rachel?
RACHEL: Yes, who is this? Oh my god! Is this Emily?
(ROSS looks up in surprise)
ROSS: It's Emily! Gimme the phone! (whispering) No, wait, I'm not supposed to be here. Tell
her to call my apartment.
RACHEL: Well, uh, hi, Emily. If you're looking for Ross, well, he, uh, isn't here, so, uh, why don't
I, uh, give you the number to, um, his apartment? (listens) Oh, yeah, um, it's--oh, you
have it? Okay, just try calling him there, uh, okay? Yeah, um, bye... (hangs up phone)
(ROSS gives RACHEL the thumbs-up sign, then runs out the door)
SCENE: ROSS's apartment. ROSS has just burst in the door, to find the phone ringing.
ROSS: (picks up phone) Hello?
ROSS: Emily! I'm so glad you called! I had to run all the way from--(realizes) my office. Take
some advice: Never bring a small dinosaur skeleton home, unless you wanna walk. It's
impossible to get a taxi with one of those babies in your hand. I guess it scares the driver.
Oh well, so, uh, um.....what's up?
EMILY: Ross, I'm in New York.
ROSS: So, what happened?
EMILY: Ross, I'm sorry. I was thinking awhile ago, about that whole not-seeing-Rachel thing,
ROSS: (interrupting) And you agree that I can see Rachel again.
EMILY: No, of course not. That is definitely out of the question. I was just thinking. I can trust
you, Ross, and I'd really like to give it another try.
ROSS: So, I can't see Rachel now? (realizes) I mean, still?
EMILY: I'm sorry Ross, but if you want to give this marriage another try, there are some
ROSS: Yeah, well, anyway, I'm going to a movie tonight with the guys, so if you wanna come--
EMILY: Thank you, but I have plans. How about I come over later, around 8?
ROSS: Okay, bye, sweetie. (hangs up)
(ROSS dances around, humming Zippity-do-dah for awhile, then realizes
that he can't see RACHEL anymore)
ROSS: Oh my god. Oh my god. (Janice style) Oh.....my.....god! What have I done?
SCENE: MONICA and RACHEL's apartment. Same day. MONICA and CHANDLER in the
chair, JOEY on the couch. PHOEBE walks in, pushing a triple stroller with the triplets in
(MONICA jumps up from CHANDLER's lap and starts playing with the babies)
PHOEBE: Frank Jr. Jr, Leslie, and Chandler, meet Monica, Joey, and Chandler. Little baby
MONICA: Oh, they're sooo cute! Chandler, look!
(CHANDLER and JOEY are sitting transfixed to the TV)
CHANDLER: (looks up momentarily) Oh, yeah, they're adorable. (looks back at TV)
MONICA: (emotionally) Oh, I just hope that my kids are as adorable as this. And when they get
older, the girls can learn how to vaacum, and the boys will be just like their dad.....
(dreamily glances over at CHANDLER)
CHAN&JOE: (singing theme song) Animaniacs! Dot is cute and Yakko yaks! Wakko packs away the
snacks while Bill Clinton plays the sax, they're Animaniacs! (etc.)
MONICA: (skeptically) Who will hopefully be a grown-up by then.
(PHOEBE pushes the stroller over to the couch and takes the triplets out of it,
starts unpacking the box of baby stuff)
MONICA: How do you tell them apart?
JOEY: I know! Take off their clothes.
MONICA: How is that going to help?
JOEY: You know, to tell between the boys and the girls.
MONICA: Oh, okay. But how do you tell Leslie and Chandler apart?
(RACHEL walks in)
RACHEL: Oh! It's the triplets! They're just adorable! So, Pheebs, how do you tell them apart?
JOEY: (quietly) Take off clothes.
MONICA: Enough with that, Joey.
PHOEBE: I dunno, you tell me! Frank and Alice didn't tell me how to tell them apart. But they did
tell me that Leslie is the one in the pink. And Frank is the one in the blue, and the other
one is Chandler.
(RACHEL, MONICA, and CHANDLER nod)
PHOEBE: Okay, girls! And guy. It's lunchtime!
RACHEL: So what do you feed them?
PHOEBE: Well, since they're so young, they have to drink breast milk.
MONICA: Thank goodness Ross isn't here.
CHANDLER: (nose scrunched up) So, whose, uh, milk is it?
PHOEBE: The babies'. (points at the triplets)'
RACHEL: I think what Chandler means is, um, who does the milk come from?
PHOEBE: Oh, it's mine.
CHANDLER: (disgusted) Eww! (pause) Sorry, Pheebs, nothing personal.
(PHOEBE turns her back to the camera and starts feeding the babies)
CHANDLER: (thinking) You know what breast-feeding really is? Interactive porn for babies with
JOEY: They're so lucky!
(RACHEL and MONICA give JOEY annoyed looks)
SCENE: Same day. ROSS, RACHEL, MONICA, and CHANDLER have just gotten back from
the movie, and are walking into ROSS's apartment.
RACH&MON: What a great movie!
CHANDLER: (exhausted) I had no idea that Shakespeare was in love *that* much!
ROSS: Yeah, talk about energy!
CHANDLER: Remember that part with Shakespeare, and then that guy behind us spilled pop all over
Monica? That was hilarious! (pauses, looks at MONICA) Sorry, honey. (kisses her
MONICA: I don't see why you guys were laughing. It was so *not* funny! (stops, realizes that
she's just talked like CHANDLER, then covers her mouth)
(ROSS and RACHEL cover their mouths in unison)
RACHEL: (whispering) You, you just talked like Chandler!
MONICA: Oh my god! This couldn't *be* more weird!
ROSS: (giggling) You did it again!
MONICA: Okay. I have to get out of here. I'm gonna take a shower.
CHANDLER: Can I come?
MONICA: (playfully punches CHANDLER on the arm) Oh, you. (pause) (serious) Okay!
(MONICA and CHANDLER rush out of ROSS's apartment)
RACHEL: (raising eyebrows) Well, we won't see them for a couple of hours.
ROSS: Hey, that's my little sister! (covers his ears)
RACHEL: So, whatdya wanna do?
ROSS: Well, I've got a couple of hours 'til Emily gets here, so....(looks around, then pulls a
box off a shelf).....Scrabble?
SCENE: MONICA and RACHEL'S apartment, same night. PHOEBE is in the kitchen preparing
food, JOEY is on the couch, holding the triplets, watching Baywatch.
JOEY: (pointing) See, now that's Nicole Eggert. And there's Yasmine Bleeth! Wow, look at
(MONICA and CHANDLER run in, exhausted)
PHOEBE: What's with you guys?
MONICA: I'm gonna go take a shower. (exits)
CHANDLER: And I'm gonna go take a bath. (exits)
PHOEBE: So, how 'bout a bath?
JOEY: Okay, but don't you think we should discuss this first? You know, so that this won't
ruin our friendship, you know, if we break up.
PHOEBE: No, I mean, a bath for the babies.
JOEY: (doesn't get it) Oh. (pause) (gets it) Ohhh!
SCENE: MONICA and RACHEL's bathroom. Triplets are in the bubble-filled bathtub. PHOEBE
is taking toys out of a box, JOEY is playing with triplets.
JOEY: Hey, is that Baywatch Barbie? (excited) I've been wanting one of these for months!
(picks up doll, starts moving its legs) See! She's running! You guys are so lucky! You
can watch her run whenever you want. Hey, Pheebs, are there any more of those Barbies?
PHOEBE: Yeah, there's two more: a blond and a brunette.
JOEY: (grabs the Barbies) Hello, Yasmine, Nicole, and Pamela Lee! How *you* doin?
JOEY: (playing with Barbies) Oh, no! A drowning person! Save him! Run, Yasmine, run!
PHOEBE: Okay, I think it's time to take the babies out of the tub. They're starting to look like little
JOEY: Oh, that reminds me! I haven't eaten since breakfast! Wanna order a pizza?
PHOEBE: Okay, but wait until after the triplets are ready for bed.
JOEY: Okay. So now do we put them into their pajamas?
PHOEBE: Yeah. They're right over there in that bag.
(JOEY gets pajamas)
JOEY: Okay, this blue one's Frank's, this yellow one says Chandler, and the pink one says
PHOEBE: Frank Jr. Jr's all ready. How about the others?
JOEY: Well, here's the yellow one. Which one's Chandler?
PHOEBE: Um...(mumbles something)
PHOEBE: Okay, okay! Enough with the 3rd degree!
(JOEY looks confused)
PHOEBE: I admit it! I don't know! I......don't know which one is which.
JOEY: Uh oh.
SCENE: ROSS's apartment. RACHEL and ROSS are playing Scrabble.
RACHEL: Okay, what's the score?
ROSS: Well, I've got 52 points, and you've got one hundred and fifty two points.
RACHEL: What's with you, Ross? I've never beaten you at Scrabble before.
ROSS: I dunno. Maybe it's the mosquitos. (slaps his neck) Gosh, here we go again!
RACHEL: (looks around) Ross, there aren't any mosquitos around right now. (pauses) Ross, are
you worried about Emily coming?
ROSS: No. Well, I don't know, maybe. I mean, she was so mad at me. And here I am, talking
to you. So I said your name. It didn't mean anything, right?
RACHEL: Right.... (looks into ROSS's eyes)
(ROSS and RACHEL kiss, then pull apart)
RACHEL: Uh, I, uh, gotta go. The mosquitos are, uh, getting to me. (slaps neck)
(Clock in ROSS's apartment reads 8:00)
ROSS: (pressing button) Uh, hello?
ROSS: Hi! Come on up, Rach. (realizes) EMILY! Hey, Emily. Gotcha!
SHORT TIME LAPSE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(knock on door)
ROSS: (opening door) Hi, Emily!
EMILY: Hello, Ross. (looks around) This is a great apartment. (looks around again)
ROSS: Yeah. So, whatdya wanna do? Wanna play Scrabble? You'll beat me for sure. I lost a
game earlier today when I played with R--(stops)
ROSS: R-r-Richard. Yeah, Monica's going out with Dr. Richard Burke again!
EMILY: Oh, all right.
ROSS: I missed you.
EMILY: I missed you too.
EMILY: (noticing ROSS's bites) What happened to you?
ROSS: Mosquitos...so, how was your flight? When did you get here?
EMILY: Well, I got here yesterday morning, and the flight was all right.
ROSS: Well, I've gotta go check on something, but you can stay here...or if you want, you can
EMILY: I'll stay here for now, until you get back.
SCENE: MONICA and RACHEL's apartment. MONICA and CHANDLER are cuddling in chair,
PHOEBE and JOEY are trying to tell the triplets apart.
PHOEBE: Maybe, you know, maybe they won't notice.
JOEY: Yeah. If we can't tell them apart, how can they?
(ROSS enters, out of breath)
ROSS: (frantically) Monica, you have to go out with Richard. You have to have lunch with him
CHANDLER: I don't wanna share!
MONICA: (gets up from CHANDLER's lap and walks toward ROSS) Okay, what's with all this
CHANDLER: Yeah, what's with all this 'Richard' stuff?
MONICA: And why do I have to go out with him?
CHANDLER: Why does she have to go out with him?
(MONICA gives CHANDLER a look)
ROSS: Well, Emily just came, and--
MONICA: Emily's here?! What about Rachel?
ROSS: Well, for now I'm thinking I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
JOEY: The Brooklyn Bridge? You don't wanna take a girl down there. Drowning and stuff, if
you know what I mean.
(the others stare at JOEY, bemused)
ROSS: So, anyway, Rach and I were playing scrabble earlier, and I was talking to Emily about
how she could beat me and everything, and I started to say 'Rach', but I knew I couldn't
say that, so the only other 'R' name I could think of was Richard. So now you have to go
out with him.
MONICA: Like, a real date? I mean, I can't tell him. He'll think I'm using him just for that.
CHANDLER: Well, you, you will be if you go out with him.
ROSS: Well, just have him come over when Emily's here, to pick you up for a 'date', and act
like you're going out. And, you can tell him it's just a 'friend'ly lunch.
MONICA: Okay, I guess.
CHANDLER: H-hey! What about me? The boyfriend? Huh?
MONICA: Don't worry, nothing's gonna happen. It'll just be one little meal.
CHANDLER: (pauses) Okay, but will you bring me back a doggy bag?
SCENE: MONICA and RACHEL's apartment. Same night, same scene.
ROSS: Yeah, okay, I gotta go get Emily. Where's Rach?
MONICA: Um, I think she went down to get some coffee.
ROSS: I've gotta go talk to her. I'm gonna tell Emily to come over here. Stall her, okay?
(ROSS runs out of the apartment)
CUT TO SAME SET. EMILY is now there.
(there is an uncomfortable silence)
JOEY: Uh, Emily. So, that plane, uh, that you, uh, came on, um, was it, uh, big?
JOEY: Oh! Like, really big, or just, like, large-ish? (makes hand motions)
SCENE: Central Perk. RACHEL is on the couch, reading a magazine. ROSS has just entered.
RACHEL: (to GUNTHER, who is giving her a piece of cake) Uh, Gunther, I didn't order cake.
GUNTHER: Oh, I know, this is just from, uh, the general, uh management team of Central Perk, as,
uh, a recognition for, uh, working here.
RACHEL: But I haven't worked here for a year and a half.
GUNTHER: Well, we've just been really slow without you around here.
RACHEL: Oh! Okay, well, thanks, Gunther!
(GUNTHER goes back to counter)
ROSS: Uh, Rach?
RACHEL: Oh, hi, Ross.
ROSS: Yeah. Um, can I, uh, talk to you for a sec?
RACHEL: Sure. (motions for him to sit)
ROSS: Not here.
(ROSS and RACHEL exit)
SCENE: ROSS's apartment. ROSS and RACHEL are seated on the couch.
ROSS: About what happenend earlier, I--
RACHEL: Yes. Um, I don't know, really, why--
ROSS: Or how--
RACHEL: Or...... (pause, looks at ROSS)
SCENE: MONICA and RACHEL's apartment. Same night, same scene.
JOEY: .....cause, I mean, how big can a plane get?
MONICA: Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna call Richard. (looks at EMILY) My boyfriend Richard.
(EMILY nods her head)
(MONICA picks up phone, dials)
MONICA: (on phone) Hi, Richard! It's Monica! (listens) Yeah, that's just what I was thinking!
Okay, yeah! Now? Okie dokie! Bye, honey! (hangs up) Okay then. Richard's coming
CHANDLER: Now? Now? Uh, now?
MONICA: Yep. (pointedly at CHANDLER) Is there a problem?
CHANDLER: (looks at EMILY) No. No. No problem here. Nope, move on, start the engine!
PHOEBE: So, Emily. Do you know anything about telling babies apart?
(EMILY shakes her head, bemused)
SCENE: MONICA and RACHEL's apartment. Same night, same scene.
(knock on door)
(MONICA opens door to reveal RICHARD)
RICHARD: Hi! Should I come in?
JOEY: (to EMILY) You know, there are these huge jets, and some really really small planes.
MONICA: (looking at JOEY) Um, why don't we get going?
(MONICA and RICHARD exit)
JOEY: So, uh, Emily, wanna see Ross's apartment?
EMILY: All right, but I've already seen it. I was just there.
CHANDLER: He means from the window (points).
JOEY: Yeah, we've got a great view. Check it out.
(JOEY takes EMILY over to the window)
(CHANDLER turns to look first, then sees ROSS and RACHEL)
CHANDLER: Uh, why don't we show Emily our view from our apartment?
PHOEBE: (noticing ROSS and RACHEL) Yeah, let's go see their view! Ooh, yay!
JOEY: Pheebs, our view sucks. Let's check out Ross's place!
(to create a diversion, CHANDLER pushes MONICA's lamp off the table, but
Emily has already seen ROSS and RACHEL)
JOEY: See? Check out our awesome view of--
EMILY: (horrified) Is that RACHEL?! Well, I'm leaving. You can just tell Ross to marry her
Then. Goodbye! (stomps out the door)
PHOEBE: Wow. Joey, Ross is gonna kill you!
PHOEBE: (points at CHANDLER) And Monica's gonna kill you, too, for breaking that lamp!
(another uncomfortable silence)
(EMILY walks in)
EMILY: And Joey, enough about planes. Just go and make your own big plane already!
(EMILY storms out)
SCENE: Central Perk. MONICA and RICHARD are at a table. GUNTHER is serving them
MONICA: Thanks, Gunther.
GUNTHER: No problem. (leaves)
(MONICA and RICHARD look around for awhile in silence)
RICHARD: This is nice.
MONICA: Yeah, I was gonna say.
CUT TO MONICA and RACHEL's apartment. PHOEBE is sitting on the couch talking to MONICA.
PHOEBE: You kissed him?!
MONICA: Well, I didn't mean to!
PHOEBE: What, so you just sort of, um, like, fell on his lips?
(MONICA looks uncomfortable)
(CHANDLER walks in unnoticed)
PHOEBE: Chandler is gonna kill you!
CHANDLER: Kill her for what? I happen to like this girlfriend. It's not like she's.....Janice!
(PHOEBE and MONICA do a double-take)
MONICA: Uh, kill me for, um....(thinks) ......taping over your Baywatch tape! With an
Entertainment Tonight special. Yeah, a special on......on, on Yasmine Bleeth! Yeah!
CHANDLER: Why would I be mad at you? I love Yasmine Bleeth!
MONICA: Oh, man! Oh, no, wait! You can't be mad at me now! Ha! (points at CHANDLER)
CHANDLER: (slightly bemused) Okay, well I'm gonna go give the duck a bath. See ya.
PHOEBE: What are you gonna do?
MONICA: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!
(CHANDLER enters unnoticed)
PHOEBE: Cause if Chandler finds out that you had coffee with Richard, you're--
CHANDLER: Do you guys have any bubble bath?--you had coffee with Richard?!
PHOEBE: (continuing) --dead.
MONICA: It really was nothing. I swear, Chandler, that kiss meant nothing to me!
PHOEBE: Yeah. I'm gonna go, uh, get some, uh....hamburgers. Yeah. Okay.
MONICA: You don't eat meat.
PHOEBE: Yeah well then I'm just gonna go.
CHANDLER: Yeah well then I'm just gonna go, too.
(CHANDLER slowly walks to the door, MONICA begging the whole way)
MONICA: Please forgive me, Chandler! C'mon! It didn't mean anything! (etc. etc.)
(CHANDLER exits and slams door, MONICA sits on the couch, crying)
CUT TO THE HALLWAY. CHANDLER is walking to his apartment. He opens door to his apartment.
KATHY is standing inside the apartment.
CHANDLER: Oh my god.
KATHY: I know. Chandler, I know it's been, what, a year now, and I've been with Nick since
then, you know, right after--
CHANDLER: I know.
KATHY: Anyway, I just have been thinking a lot lately, and I don't think I've loved anyone as
much as I love you.
CHANDLER: Love? As in still *in* love?
KATHY: I know, I know, it's been a long time, but do you think we could just give it another shot?
I mean, Chandler, you have to admit, we were great together.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I guess, but--but--but.....(thinks) there's something else, but I can't remember what
it was....(pause) (sort of happily) Oh well!
KATHY: I knew it. I knew it. I love you Chandler Bing!
CUT TO MONICA, crying on the couch in her apartment.
MONICA: Chandler, please forgive me! I can't--I just can't lose you......I love you, Chandler Bing! (crys
CUT TO CHANDLER and KATHY.
(They move closer together, then kiss)
TO BE CONTINUED.......................................................................................................